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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Originally Posted by Ginger1
No!

“Not OTHERS will be in awe”

“YOU will be in awe of YOURELF”


Yeah, I think what I meant was ---- I will have respect in myself. I cannot expect others to respect me if I don't respect myself... It's early and no coffee this AM. smile
25 341 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
No!

“Not OTHERS will be in awe”

“YOU will be in awe of YOURELF”
25 341 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

NC motivational videos sounds manipulative me. I can't stress this enough that you can not manipulate him back to you.

Please concentrate your growth on things that will make your life better.

Sparkly girl is nobody's plan B.


These are not the ones that state - go NC for 30 days and then break the ice....

These are not manipulative --- they discuss why would you want someone who walked out on you. They reiterate to not chase or beg, etc. That contacting them and getting them to respond is just because they feel bad for you and not that they respect you. They reinforce that you are a high value person. That you set your value. If and when they ever reach out to you its because they are understanding your worth and value to them.

They really help me to stay... NOPE not, today... I'm not giving in today... I'm worth more than his pity.

I don't know why the weekends are so much harder than the week. I guess part of me sees it as so much wasted time - we could have been doing this or that, etc. I know I know I know... its not wasted. I've been given the gift of time. I was single the first 40yr of my life. I know what to do with time. I literally didn't think I would ever get married and I certainly didn't think I would serial date him... let alone marry him. But, that's how it happens right - the one person you didn't think you would fall for you did! Any way I digress... in a big way.

Today ---- I will work a 6hr shift. I will save a life. I will help end a life. I will make someone feel better about the hard choices they have to make. I will go home. I will clean something... I will do some paperwork. I will take the dog to the state park in the next town over and go for a 3mi walk. I will finish the sweater I'm nearly done knitting - at the same time continue watching the netflix series I started. I will find my self respect again --- and then in that others will be in awe. smile
25 341 Read More
Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
No, this disparity in the 2 households has affected all the children, not just daughter 14. That is my whole point! It impacts all children to know there are 2 different standards involved. Even if the other 2 are living with you because if he has more then it creates resentment for those 2 kids. And that impacts their relationship with each of you. The goal is to set it up so that each child has a healthy relationship with each parent. If you have less the kids worry about you more and that is not healthy for you all either. If long term you are awarded less (which I do not believe will happen), this makes it harder for you to care for yourself long term and you make the case you don’t want to be a burden to your kids. Rather, you want to care FOR them. This needs to be hammered home.

You are bringing some sort of defeatist attitude to this all. You need to get an attitude of entitlement. That is a long term marriage, you were a SAHM, it was a partnership and that is YOUR money, too. Please repeat this over and over so that it is conveyed to your lawyer and the judge. And it is in the best interest of ALL kids. Please start believing it.

Do you have text conversations indicating lack of food at his place, rats, proof of neglect (that he is out all night)?, etc. Print all these out and be ready to show them in court. Give them to your lawyer. Text convos between my ex and the kids sunk my ex. It helps to have your convos with her, but if you have convos between her and him, that helps A LOT! However, you don’t want to involve her in this to the point that it damages her r with him/turns her against him. My kids were young so I still had full access to their phones. His convos with them were so damaging the judge actually warned him he has issues.

You are bringing some sort of prior issues to this all and projecting them onto this situation. I suspect it’s because of childhood issues. Being treated badly but staying for the money is a conversation you need to have with your daughter. It is not love. No man should ever treat her like she can be bought. Huge mental course correction needed here for d 14.
14 181 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
I agree w/Andrew. Your xw has quite a number of bridges that will require rebuilding in order to be in the children's lives. She is just beginning to realize that the children are now adults and are moving on w/their lives, i.e., college, new places to live and outside of the immediate area. It's truly difficult for her to grasp just how much time has passed.

The fifty million dollar question will be...is she strong enough to stick this out and make amends in order to be in their lives? Time will tell.

Until then, continue as you have been, be the lighthouse in the storm for your children. They know you are always there and are a sounding board for them. It's going to be very interesting to see how things play out w/her and the children in the next year.
49 1,233 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
KK,

NC motivational videos sounds manipulative me. I can't stress this enough that you can not manipulate him back to you.

Please concentrate your growth on things that will make your life better.

Sparkly girl is nobody's plan B.
25 341 Read More
Surviving the Big D
4 hours ago
You do realize that she sent you a picture of an empty fridge and a dead rat? How is that like Disney and your house like a tent? She constantly complains of no food in the house. And she says he treats her awful.

The last time I was at Disney, there was tons of food and happiness and everyone treated you like gold.

I am so confused. So as long as you live in a big house, even if it has nothing in it, like people, food, or love, it’s the better option? YOU actually view it that way and your D14 does?

You have a lot of disillusionment . Bigger just seems to be better to you and you have a hard time showing D14 otherwise because you believe it too.

Home is where love is. Food in the fridge helps too.
14 181 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
Hi FS,

I think of you often and am glad you posted to update everyone. I'm really impressed with how you're handling the situation with D13. (not a psychologist but) I do wonder if she's taking out her feelings on the one person it is safe to do so with, and you're also seeing her love coming back through her behavior with D10. That part is just so sweet and lovely.

Originally Posted by FlySolo
HI wanted to put across a calm acceptance, which is where I think I am at these days. Content to float along knowing I would be happy with any outcome. That, I think, is the true gift having all this time alone - not just the physical alone time of the last three months, but the emotional alone time of the last 2 years.

This is so impressive. i work at this constantly, but it never lasts for very long. Any words of wisdom for what helped you get here, besides time?

thanks for the update and hope you're still hanging in there!
63 1,991 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
I'm sorry about all the money stuff. that is gross and sad that he's doing that. it just shows what a bad place he's in. Hopefully it is helping you to see more and more how much better off you are now than before.

You do sound good, though! What are you thinking about in terms of your own career-- is it better to wait until after the D is finalized to do any real work in this area?
21 452 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
one thing that helped me detach was really to focus on my H's negative qualities. I know this isn't true detachment-- you want to get to a place where his behaviors don't affect you emotionally at all- but sometimes it can help you get there to swing the pendulum in the other direction.

Think about what a jerk he is being, stare at that sty on his face, gross yourself out over him. I also made a list of all the great things I was going to be able to do when he left. (I'm still a little wistful about some of them, and some I did anyway, like buy all new bedding for the MB in a color I liked and knew he didn't.)

I think you really should spend some time thinking about your counselor's question-- what do YOU want? Journal, make a list, test things out. Every time you feel your mind wandering over to your H and what he's doing or anxiety about the future, redirect your attention to something positive about yourself or that you want to learn/read/do. And then do it!
80 1,728 Read More
For Newcomers
5 hours ago
Nice job, Pommy. you handled this like a pro.

Also.... he is so. ridiculously. predictable. If he feels hurt/scared that you might be "moving on" you may get another verbal lurch towards D... just be prepared for that. My guess is it will be continued temp checking, just on the other side-- to see if he'll get a response that way.

if he brings it up again, my recommendation is to say something along the lines of "I haven't closed off any options at this point" and being pretty matter-of-fact about it. No need to get into his behavior at all. I think if you start to say too much about well you're the one that left, you're the one that said you wanted to come back but then changed your mind-- it makes it all feel like your decisions and behaviors are driven by him. And maybe they are in real life, but he doesn't need to know that. What's happened has happened and now you're in a place where you're looking at ALL your options. You're in the driver's seat ... don't give it up.

Hang in there and stay strong.
94 1,966 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Spiral -

The OM is spending tons of money on the place for the kids? This is also bizarre behavior (to me). No offense but I would think to another man that someone else's kids are extra baggage. Does he have some of his own? maybe that would make it more plausible - that he is trying to blend in the kids with his.

And you were not fighting leading up to it - and not fighting since. I have to tell you Spiral, I just can not get my head around your situation. It boggles my mind.

Keep posting. And don't regret anything you did. Whatever you did, you felt was best at that time. I have learned alot in the past few months, and done alot of wrong things, but we are all figuring it out. No one can say they did it perfectly.

Yeah, I changed my name, why the heck did I use my H's pet name for me here? ugh. And abbreviated, its BS now. ugh. Didnt think that one thru either. lol.

Hang in there,
29 885 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago

Thank you LH - Good stuff!
80 1,728 Read More
For Newcomers
8 hours ago
Curtis,

To be honest, I wasn't surprised at all. I said all this would happen. And guess what you knew it would happen too. But the difference between you and I, was you was hoping it didn't happen. Stop hoping and start doing. You are on a hamster wheel brotha. Only you can hop off.

We know, you going to give her this one last option. And if she don't take the option that you want her to take ( which for over a year now we have said stop those controlling habits you have) then you're done. Then she don't take it, and you are going to state another option.

Listen, you going to have to deal with it. Your WW is gone, mentally and emotionally she's not with or for you. That's the reality. You can't talk your way into her heart, you can't, you just can't. She's doesn't respect you, PERIOD! If she did, she wouldn't be so freely openly ready to discuss and explain how much of a good man the OM is that scared the hell out of your kids.

And to be honest, we are on a hamster wheel with you, because we keep typing to see things to you.

You WW don't deserve YOU, stop acting like she's the catch. Her friend is already complaining about her OM. Your WW came running back to you during a Pandemic, that's says enough about the OM. Stop getting in her way.

LET GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joejoe
58 1,514 Read More
Surviving the Big D
9 hours ago
Quote
Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?


Life after they move out.

Quote
I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.


D14 is here now and she gets it more than I gave her credit for.....but giving up Disney for a tent in the backyard isn't something that sounds appealing to her. He's treating her worse than ever though but disney.

Quote
In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but it’s hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when it’s time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent


He's out every night until 2am now but he buys her expensive things.

Quote
However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you don’t win this battle, it’s important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.


She came over tonight to talk and I gave her a version of this speech. I can't guarantee a nicer house but we're a family and we love her even S19. S19 says he doesn't want her with H either. Says he's a pos and CPS needs to be called. They won't care but I appreciated the sentiment.

Quote
I don’t know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Weren’t you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Can’t your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?


The attorney I interviewed said there is a huge disparity in income so she will fix that. The only relationship it has affected is the one I have with D14.

Quote
In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as “what is in the best interest of the kids?” The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.


Working on this. I'm just so scared that this isn't even remotely going my way.
14 181 Read More
Midlife Crisis
10 hours ago
Callllllllliiiii!
71 9,903 Read More
For Newcomers
11 hours ago
Good job on the NC. One step at a time. NC for one day, then two day, then three days, etc...until you no longer think about it, because you're living you're awesome life. You got this.
25 341 Read More
For Newcomers
12 hours ago
Thank you to every one who has been wanting the best for me.

I've been working very hard... paying some things forward. Relaxing. Picked up a series again that I had been watching. Knitting. Nearly finished with a sweater.

Watching some NC motivational videos. Texting friends but they each passed out early tonight.

It's been hard tonight. I won't lie my biggest motivation for not breaking NC is I dont want to send a text during a time when they are together... that would be embarrassing and very humiliating...

But I stuck to it... because I'm determined to make it to the other side. smile Thanks for hanging in there with me
25 341 Read More
Surviving the Big D
14 hours ago
Regarding renting rooms, are you now thinking of living all on your own w/out any custody of your kids? Or are you just envisioning life after your kids go to college?

I understand 14 year olds have their priorities and much growing up to do. I know that if one parent bribes or does the Disney parent thing, that works in the short term but backfires long term when the kids mature and realize they were used as pawns. That is why my ex did with my older son. Sometimes it takes kids many, many years to see what was done to them. Sometimes, they see it faster.

In my opinion, I agree with you that forcing her to move somewhere she does not want to will drive a wedge between you two. Yes, you may able to do it legally but it’s hard to fight that battle before kids mature a bit to see the bigger picture. Because you may win in court but when it’s time to enforce it, it drives the kids to the Disney parent.

However, this does warrant a come to Jesus conversation with her discussing that you do want her there; love is not contingent on your own room. This is temporary and better times are to come. Even if you don’t win this battle, it’s important to still sow seeds saying you want her with you, you wish you could provide better and that she should not abandon going to you because of this. Personally, I think this is a message to reinforce over and over again. People fall on hard times and love is unconditional. Again, this is so that worst case scenario she just remembers hearing the message and it shapes her and her values. Best case scenario is she turns around.

I don’t know what state you live in, but my very rudimentary handle on divorce with kids is that it is severely disadvantageous to have 2 households with vastly different qualities of life. Weren’t you a stay at home mom? If the support is not such that you both have somewhat comparable households, how does this impact the kids and their relationships with each parent. Can’t your lawyer sure this example w/D14 as evidence?

In general my understanding is all arguments need to be framed as “what is in the best interest of the kids?” The answer is: two loving homes with comparable lifestyles so that this kind of scenario does not exist. This is in the best interest of the kids.
14 181 Read More
Midlife Crisis
14 hours ago
Hang in there DnJ. Your ability to step outside your situation and see it for what it is - truly remarkable.
49 1,233 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:46 PM
BlueSea,

New name, eh? The kids seem to be doing well. OM is going on a full court press to set up a new kid friendly place, is spending tons of money on that, and is showering them with his time and attention (or so it seems). I've never asked my kids about how they are doing or what they're feeling. But they seem fine. The custody arrangement is entirely friendly for the moment and my place is still the kids' home base. I don't think that she wants to change that for the time being.

Frankly, everything with her is a friendly arrangement. We weren't fighting in the days leading up to discovery and we haven't started fighting since discovery. Everything is completely cordial. And if you saw us interact, you'd probably assume that we were happily married.

-Spiral
29 885 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:28 PM
CW,

Thanks for the reality check. The only "alpha male" behavior working against me was the initial decision to make her chose and ask her to move out. She chose him and jumped head first into her new life. Then, she was gone. Nothing else has really happened in my world. She's just gone. Completely gone. And I'm just here living my life. The only things going on in my sitch are the things going on in my head. I decided to give her all the time and space she wanted and she grabbed it and ran.

Thanks for the line. I'll use that one instead if it comes up again. But we really don't talk about these things. Sometimes she'll say one sentence on the way out the door and sometimes I'll validate that sentence. Sometimes I'll ignore it. I don't think it means anything and it is certainly never a discussion. It's just a comment she makes with the intent of making sure I heard what she said and making sure that I don't have an opportunity to actually respond.

From all outward appearances, she has completely distanced herself from me and has never looked back. She's never said anything to express second thoughts. And all actions point towards OM.

-Spiral
29 885 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:25 PM
Well I may have to get a little definition around what she was saying.
23 453 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:25 PM
Noted, Ginger, and thanks for the food for thought. Have a great weekend!
91 2,728 Read More
For Newcomers
Yesterday at 09:20 PM
I am afraid you might be doing this effective communication, however I think you are reverting to your old ways and pressuring again. She wasn’t as affectionate for a week. Which can come from so many sources. So instead of a “are we ok”? Try an “how everything going With you lately?”

I know you want to be like this Uber communicative couple but sometimes, you just gotta chill.
91 2,728 Read More
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