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Re: I'm Back! (6) Terapin 6 hours ago
Hi folks. It's been over a month since I gave an update.

Not too much new to report. XW and I seem to be on pretty good terms as far as coparenting. 2 weekends ago I took son to his State wrestling tournament about 4 hours away. XW came the next day. We stayed at the same hotel, but different rooms. That was a little weird, but was ok.

Son seems to be doing well. I know it still bothers him going back and forth though.

As for me, things have been up and down. The first month or two after the D, I thought I was doing great. But really, I was just too busy to think/dwell on things. Busy with our son, busy with the new house, etc. But in the last few weeks, it seems reality has set in. I don't really have any feelings going on for XW, but I have been having a LOT of dreams about her. Good dreams, bad dreams. I guess that's normal, but it [censored] waking up sad or mad.

Anyway, a coworker is now going through the same thing. Married for over a decade, 2 young kids, and his W asked for a D because she's 'not happy'. I gave him my copy of Divorce Busting. Hope it helps him as it's helped us!
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Re: H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle grok 6 hours ago
Originally Posted by KangaB
I’m just having a go. I’ve been watching lots of YouTubes on professionals playing and demonstrating.

This is awesome! Because it is you. Because you want to.

Originally Posted by KangaB
What the hell goes on in people’s minds to be so inconsistent? It does my head in.

I think most people here over the years would say the same. You look for logic and understanding. So do I. Over the last year I keep reviewing the threads saying stop it, those is the wrong questions to ask and eventually those won't matter so much. I remain a work in progress.

Originally Posted by KangaB
I was so hoping that when H and I were together over the last 3 months that I could prove you all wrong here. What a fool I am.

No, not a fool. We wouldn't be here otherwise and the future is unwritten no matter what the probabilities. I mean, how likely did we think our W or H would do what they did?

I have been contemplating hope vs expectations for a year now. My WW told my D18 and D17 "I have to make sure G has no hope" outright the first night she asked for a separation. And then became very cold overnight. She stayed that way for over two months to keep herself on her course. (A funny aside, I could tell when she let go the tight coldness a little, relaxed a little, because she stopped wearing a bra with her PJs at night) She carefully asked once, around month four, did I still have hope, had I given it up? I thought a moment and said, "No, it is that I don't have expectations." I think she took is as I didn't have expectations of an outcome. I also meant I was letting go of expectations of her personally. I didn't clarify. Maybe I should have. I don't know.

I keep this and several others on tap to re-read for myself periodically. It's all worth a read to keep centered.

Originally Posted by Zues126
In conclusion, if you are seeing signs that your spouse wants to return, post all about it here. Get it out of your system. Overreact on these forums. Tell us how it's going to work out after all, that we were wrong, that YOU KNEW your WAS, you KNEW they would fall back into your arms, that you think you are in piecing, etc, etc, etc. But please, for all that is good and holy, stay detached from them outwardly and give them time to see if they actually recommit, show true remorse, and prove it to you with consistent behavior over time. Keeping DBing and may you make it to the other side, whatever lies ahead.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942

Originally Posted by KangaB
Btw the Grok, I have never chimed in on other’s posts because I really don’t have any advice to give away yet.

Me either. And I'm in it, just like you.

Smarts I have. Wisdom I'm not so sure of or I wouldn't be here in this Grief. W and I have ~140+ IQ which helps many things... but not this. Smarts brings it's own set of issues - decision paralysis, not being able to figure out the right level of communication (you are either condecending or no one understands what you just said), W told me I was too sweetly logical so she stopped trying to tell me she was unhappy, etc...

But stepping out of my comfort zone I can post to say I see you K, I hear you K. I can show some of the inner me.

g
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Re: Grief and Gratitude, Grok DnJ Yesterday at 01:26 PM
Good Morning g

Originally Posted by grok
I had such belief and respect for W's judgements at the start that I took most things at face value.

I hear that! I had complete faith in my then W and took her poisonous words as gospel.

Self worth really takes a hit. Confidence is shaken/shattered and one is full of self doubts. It takes time to transmute such poison.

Well done getting out there and enjoying things. Awesome job, that’s quite a few miles of biking. I chuckled at the “run” club’s strategy/justifications. (I could get behind such. lol) Keep bribing the daughters for trivia answers. smile Oh my, modern music, social media icons, and such - yeah, I’m out of my depth I found out during such a trivia game.

Keep moving forward. You got this g.

D
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Re: Grief and Gratitude, Grok grok Yesterday at 03:21 AM
Getting A Life – Just do it.

When getting the rollercoaster of bombs last year, it forced a hard look at myself. And eventually a hard look at her, but that is another story. I realized the truth of many of her complaints that came spilling out in the wake of OM's attentions. I had such belief and respect for W's judgements at the start that I took most things at face value. My self-worth plunged, I felt a failure, I had let a predator into my family, and I blamed myself.

Originally Posted by Starsky309
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FAILED in your role as protector, and now some PREDATOR has invaded your home, your family, your finances, your MARRIAGE, and yeah . . . there can be a lot of GUILT associated with that awful feeling
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551052#Post2551052

But this is truth, no matter how much a WW praises OM

Originally Posted by Starsky309
Men and women that would knowingly get involved with a married woman or man, and prey upon their emotional weaknesses, ARE predators!! In every sense of the word. mad

I detest them. Do not "make friends" with them, do not expect them to deal honorably with you (for they are, by definition, DIShonorable) and do NOT take what they tell you as TRUTH!
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2551069#Post2551069

I DID need to GAL, as I saw I had given up almost all the activities I once treasured. I had thought I was giving them up to satisfy the requirements of kids and spouse. Hmmmm... the advice is just get OUT! Away from WW. Preferably something you don't normally do and social. It will lead to things … and so it has!

Originally Posted by Sotto
GAL, GAL and more GAL...

GAL can be anything that you find absorbing, and which helps give your life structure and meaning. GAL can range from hobbies and jobs at home to Meetup groups and sporting activites. Some DBers are more extrovert, others more introvert. It's about finding what floats your boat, improves your day and helps build YOU back up again.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2579130&page=1

So, I searched out the nearest local micro-brewery and drove right on over on a Friday evening after work. I sat outside people watching, feeling bad, then messaged a prior member of the work team I oversaw. He came over and we had brews, food, and conversation about the nature of love and relationships. While there I saw a group in yellow shirts for a “run club.” I thought “Great! I used to do a lot of long distance running.” When I looked it up, I had to laugh. The club would run/walk for 2 or 3 miles to justify sitting at the pub after for a while.

The next week I came ready to meet people and “run.” I went over to the table where the small group was gathered and introduced myself. I ended up talking to Fernando and his father down from the Northeast. They were not part of the run group but just knew some of the regulars. We connected over riding bikes and random guy talk, and he also said I should come back on Tuesday nights for “Trivia Night.” I never did go running with that group! But I did get back into biking, both on and off road.

I have ended up by Fernando’s invite going biking at night with lights through the City Downtown at night with “Critical Mass” group multiple times, and then...
- Mountain biking on my own on local trails,
- street riding others I met through Fernando and friends (Chris, Steve, Mike, Micah, Lucian, Jeannette, Chrystal X 2, and more) at the brew house,
- riding “Bikes & Beers” 36 miles and met more people,
- a local bike store grand opening ride for 37 miles,
- broke some spokes and after repair was done last week I looked at the time and had just enough to ride 12 miles single track trails through the woods
- Feels Good.

I also came back on a Tuesday night for what ever "Trivia Night" was to be. Fernando waved me over to the table his team occupied. I've been back most weeks since as this group has adopted me. LOL. This version of a trivia game has the bar handing out print outs which take about two hours to answer the topical questions anounced over the loud speakers. It is an all ages sort of place and about 15 teams compete each Tuesday with laughter and poking fun at each other. On some weeks, D18 and D17 will join me for an hour as D17's gymnastics is nearby. They do much better at naming modern music. I bribe the kids with a sandwich and craft soda.

To further get out of my comfort zone, this week I brought the trivia group a blueberry pie. Well, backing up, on Saturday I took S12 along with a friend and his son to go early season blueberry picking. We came home with two gallons of blueberries. Eat some, freeze some, and make pies with some of course. I made one pie on Tuesday evening after work to bring with me to the trivia group. One of the group sometimes works at the brewery and retrieved a knife from the kitchen to cut the pie. About 10 people got a slice including the two guys working the kitchen for the brewery. I think they were surprised and happy. Feels Good. Oh, and that night's special, homemade pot-roast sandwich, from the kitchen was delicious.

Old favorite long put aside - biking, baking. Out of my comfort zone - socializing new people, trivia, brew pub.

Gratitude for my father who sent me one of his expensive carbon fiber mountain bikes.
Gratitude to Fernando and co. who welcomed a stranger.

g
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