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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
For Newcomers
20 minutes ago
I need some talking off the ledge and am open to some 2x4's...

H came home for the child swap and wanted to talk. He wants more time with the kids, which is reasonable for him to ask even though the kids aren't interested in being away from me. He told me that if I wasn't going to work with him then we needed to go to mediation. I validated his position and said that I needed some time to think about what that would look like for us all.

He then brought up some R stuff and the timeline our of 'issues'. I spoke about how I felt that we haven't really even given our R a chance, that we have only spent a couple months in MC, these 'issues' are new to me and I feel like our R and our children deserve for us to give everything we have, if even for a short period of time, before making a decision. He told me he has had these issues for 13 years, has been thinking about them the whole time and he doesn't think anything can change. And me even asking for a chance to work on them invalidates his process, invalidates how long and hard he has thought about all of this. Which may be true, but I know that the majority of his 'processing' has taken place in his head and probably also with OW/EA (I really don't think that he wants to build a life with OW, she has her own kids, lives across the country, I know he won't leave our kids to move there, etc). He seems fairly resolute, talks about things like 'when we split up', but won't commit to one way or another. Says he needs more time and space to really figure out what he wants. I asked if he needed time and space to accept a D, or time and space to figure out if he wants to work on the MR. He said both. But every indication he is giving me is that he wants a D.

We have been in a limbo state (sort of) working on the R since October. Separated since beginning of April. The kids are fed up with the confusion, they are telling their friends we are getting a D, even though we haven't said that we are. Our eldest told me he wished we could just decide so we could all get used to things and move on. That it is horrible for them and they hate it. We don't fight in front of the kids, there is no animosity in their presence, they just hate this limbo state of not knowing what's happening with us as a family.

I know everyone is going to say that time is my friend, but I am so sick of feeling blindsided by more 'issues'. I am a fixer, of a growth mindset and would have done everything in my power to change/grow/be a better person if I had known about his issues. I am hurt by the re-writing of our past and am feeling like a doormat. I mean, how awfully amazing would it be to step outside of your real life and spend days on end thinking about yourself and what you want right now in these quarantined times? While someone emotionally and physically cares for your children and your home, patiently waiting for heartbreak and destruction. He is a good dad and plugged in with the kids when he is with them, so that I am not complaining there.

I am both sad and angry at the moment, but the prevailing emotion is wanting him to just p*** or get off the pot. If he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to work on our MR, he would be here, doing those things. But he's not. And he is not giving me any indication that he wants to, or plans to in the future. I don't even get breadcrumbs these past couple of weeks. I am so confused by our reconciliation a few weeks ago, to this now. Hope, then despair.

I feel like I have been holding the flame for a long time, but am getting sick of it. I am worth so much more than this.

What do I do?
30 581 Read More
Midlife Crisis
44 minutes ago
Thread #1: 6 Months of MLC
Thread #2: Learning how to stand, hope, and keep moving
Thread #3: Searching for calm with shelter-in-place roommate
Quick recap: BD June 2019; M 10 years, T 16. Roommates.


With much gratitude for all the support from the board, I am happy to say I was able to find calm with my sometimes-seems-like-a-teenager roommate H during these long stay-at-home orders. I've spent time meditating and practicing mindfulness. I've found a lot of joy over the past two months, got slightly derailed by H's blowing up at me, and regrouped, got back on the calm and grateful path.

wooba, may, Gerda, I was so grateful for your posts, questions, and guidance at the end of my last thread. I've been reflecting quite a bit on our past relationship and how I have struggled to find and project compassionate indifference over the almost-year since BD.

Originally Posted by wooba
The brief & disinterested responses are totally counter-intuitive because we are trained to be caretakers and fixers. But just as you were trained to do the things you used to do before, you can train yourself with using these responses, and eventually it will become easier.

This really resonated with me, wooba. I think over the last couple of years of our M, when H seemed to be increasingly prone to anger (while usually saying he wasn't angry—and maybe whatever he was really feeling wasn't anger but it came out that way), I think I stepped up this role even more. I no longer worry about looking after his feelings or trying to soothe him if he is frustrated. Of course, I shouldn't have felt that was my responsibility before either, but it is part of being trained to be a caretaker, I think. It was also part of my feeling guilty for the SSM, feeling, without realizing it, that whatever anger he demonstrated must be my fault, because: SSM. Nope--he is responsible for his feelings and how he expresses them, works (or not) to understand them, and he was responsible for communicating with me.

Originally Posted by may22
Cardinal, I was wondering something. Whenever I read your posts (and this may be totally wrong, so please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting) I get the feeling that you are making yourself small, kind of, for him. You are always accommodating, kind, quiet.

[...]

Be YOU without any worries of what he'll think or how he'll feel or what he'll do. I'm not saying be a jerk, or be like him. Just don't be afraid to be yourself and to not think about him at all for awhile, if you can.Be YOU without any worries of what he'll think or how he'll feel or what he'll do. I'm not saying be a jerk, or be like him. Just don't be afraid to be yourself and to not think about him at all for awhile, if you can.


Originally Posted by Gerda
He won't see you as you during MLC, no matter how small or big you are. Only do things for you, to find yourself again.


Thank you for chiming in, Gerda! You have been through so much, and I so admire your strength and am always appreciative of your advice. It rings true that it is sometimes hard to know why you're doing anything when you're living with an MLCer. I think only in retrospect have I understood the ways I have been over-accommodating.

May, I think I made myself smaller for the last stretch of our M and definitely after BD. It is part of my ongoing work to try to identify when I am doing this and ask what do I want, not how might it affect him. It becomes ingrained and hard for me to recognize. On the one hand, I do want to fly under the radar sometimes--I'd rather him not notice me, not interact with me, want to just stay in my own little world. On the other, this is my house too, and I don't want to make myself invisible because I feel it's easier for him, you know?

I, of course, like your suggestion to eat all the ice cream. One thing I did: I bought mulch and spread it over the landscaped area of the yard I worked so hard to create a couple of years ago, and it was glorious. Nothing more beautiful than fresh-spread mulch. Well, it is one of many beautiful things.

Kindness for me and for him is being kind to myself and not giving him a pass on behavior that is not respectful. Kindness is respecting myself.

Originally Posted by may22
He goes as far as to invite someone over into your home during this pandemic and when you have the temerity to simply say it made you feel uncomfortable, he goes ballistic.


Right, and he framed it as me being controlling, and I know I wasn't trying to control him and was justified in sharing my concern, but... some part of me still feels like I'm exaggerating his behavior there, some part of me still has to fight against the way he tried to make me feel awful for even bringing it up! I'm still struggling a bit with feeling like I'm the only one experiencing this side of him in "real life." I think the more I get comfortable with indifference, the more I can be calm and strong and detached (like wooba!) no matter how he tries to project or blame me. Reading through the answer's to Sage4's question ("For those of you who had WAS’s return at some point, were they ever really contemptuous or mean to you about the things you said or boundaries you put up?") has been very helpful for me as well.

So: compassionate indifference is my focus for this thread. I remember DnJ writing about the feelings of love we have for our spouse being put away for the time being (of course, he phrases it much more eloquently), and that's where I'm at. I don't want to replace those feelings with anger. I want to be my generally kind and quiet self without shrinking and letting him walk all over me. Please do call me out on this, if you notice it. Like Gerda said, he won't see me as me right now anyway, no matter what I do.

It is too hot to bake this week! I made bread over the weekend and will have to plan my next bake. May, I'm glad you found yeast. I was so excited to find two bags of unbleached flour the other week.
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For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Wolfman, your GF could be Mary freakin’ poppies, but if your daughter ain’t ready, she ain’t ready. Everything happened so whirlwind. Your GF happened right away. Your kids met your GF a few times and then you all moved in?!?

Boys, they are whatever. They don’t give a crap. Girls, they take longer to adjust to a new woman in their life. They never even got the chance to adjust to the divorce before you brought someone else in the picture. She could be the most wonderful woman in the world, but your daughter wasn’t ready, wasn’t eased in, and is still dealing with so much.

She wasn’t ready for some other woman living in her house getting her dads attention. I’m sorry .
77 1,659 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Hi LiM,

I hope to write more soon. For now, welcome back, and I'm sorry you're going through this again.
4 137 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Maybe the reason I needed to post was so that I would be asked some hard questions. Thanks for asking those questions.

Whats my plan? What do I want for me? Honestly, I don't even know right now. Will I be ok? Yes. Will I come out the other side better than ok? Yes. Will I continue to be the rock and the go to person for my daughters? Yes.

What have I learned? Maybe not enough. I know this is not my fault. These are her demons and she has to deal with them. And if it ends our 25+ years as a couple, then that's on her. I know I took her back to quickly. At the first sign of remorse, I didn't just show her the door I left open for her. I picked her up and rushed her back home. That's on me. I've learned to let go and hand things over to God. Maybe not good enough but my life is so much more peaceful and less stressful than before; even in the midst of a trial.

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve a mate that doesn't keep a third party emotionally within the midst of our marriage. So why is it so hard to just walk away and say "To Hell with It!"? I guess if it were easy, this site wouldn't exist.
4 137 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Hi Core,

Solid advice from LH. I 100% agree. I want to focus on another point--

Originally Posted by Core
I want relief from the feeling that I'm being used. As I mentioned in the past, W gets to be SAHM, no job, enjoy her hobbies and spend.

You say you feel used. I suspect you have opportunities to enjoy your hobbies and spend, too! Is the "Core" reason you feel used that she's not working a fair 8hrs per day? Have you considered on-call childcare, shopping, bills, summer planning, cooking, repairs, cleaning, etc.? When you D, she'll get alimony from you to pay her bills, do hobbies, and spend. The court will expect her to work or train herself to work, too. I've dated SAHMs amazed by the free time they got from 75% custody, and others shocked they had to work. wink
57 1,828 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Looks like LH and I cross posted and said essentially the same thing
57 1,828 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Core, let me womansplain some things to you.

You remember when you snooped and found your wife saying mean things about yourself physical features?

Well, women tend to see physical features as unattractive if they aren’t emotionally attracted to you, even if you are hot as heck. I, personally, have known some very physically attractive men who weren’t attractive to me because they were dicks or were just doing something else unattractive. I’ve met men who weren’t your run of the mill good looking guys, but their persona was extremely attractive, so they were just gorgeous to me.

No, your wife does not find you attractive right now. And it has nothing to do with your jawline. I’m sure I don’t have to get into what she is not attracted to right now. You know.

And let me ask. What does “standing” mean to you? Also, what has your W been doing with the “more time” you are giving her.

I feel like the only way you’ll accept things working out is exactly the way you want them which just isn’t going to happen. If she doesn’t work on the marriage, you have the right to leave. That’s how you enforce YOUR boundary. You have to drop the fear. And you have accept that she might just walk out that door . You aren’t respecting yourself right now. And you feel like she’s cake eating. Well, probably because she is. So while you “stand” you are going to have accept and live with the cake eating.

You have choices. I tell you that all the time. You are not powerless. More inner validation rather than outer validation is way kore attractive. Women love men who are not fearful of being alone, you have a confidence, not a cockiness and know what they bring to the table and show that in how they treat others and what they are willing to tolerate.

What kind of man do you want to be?
57 1,828 Read More
Midlife Crisis
2 hours ago
cardinal,

Yes, it is time to start a new thread. I'll link this thread to your new one for you.
101 2,366 Read More
For Newcomers
2 hours ago
Core,

You're spinning big time buddy. You're worried about a future relationship and marriage that hasn't even happened yet.

I'm going to be honest with you. It's highly unlikely that under your circumstances with your anxiety that your W is going to wake up one day and realize she's madly in love with you. For that to happen you need to separate and she needs to miss you.

So IMO you have several options.

1. GAL like a mad man for a year with the focus 100% on you and the kids. If things are the same in a year you file.
2. You lovely communicate to her they you will not live in a loveless and sexless marriage. If she chooses not to work towards getting there you file.
3. You stay together for the sake of the children in a loveless and sexless marriage with no expectations while continuing you work on yourself.

The fact remains that it takes two people to make a marriage work. That's why so many fail.
57 1,828 Read More
Midlife Crisis
3 hours ago
wooba, may, Gerda, I was so grateful for your posts, questions, and guidance. I've been reflecting quite a bit on our past relationship and how I have struggled to find and project compassionate indifference over the almost-year since BD.

I think I'll continue this post in a new thread, since I'll be at 100 with this reply...
101 2,366 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Hey LIM,

I feel for you. Going through it once is hard enough. Job once commented on one of my threads that an affair needs to run its course. I believe I, like you stepped in the middle and stopped it too soon. On the other end, why would you want to allow an affair to continue while you're married. It's conflicting however I think in your case, your W still had a receptor open for OM. Not necessarily a longing but basically an easy connection for OM to reignite if the time was right for them both.

You're a better you than you were the first time. You have the strength to get through something like this. Whats your plan, for you?
4 137 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
The vibe I get from your responses: cool, calm, and collected. I'm always impressed by your ability to exude these qualities, wooba!

Originally Posted by wooba
Apparently he gave them no details because my MIL called me immediately after to ask wth is going on. My MIL is not the brightest person in the room, but she has a good heart. Her first question to me was "Did H hit you??" I said no. "Is he having an affair???" I said I don't know. She went on and on about how shocked she was and how they still hope that we will be able to overcome our problems and work it all out.


Is it surprising to you that the first thing MIL asked was if H hit you? That stood out to me. I have to say, this is the response I kept wishing I would get from my MIL--not the questions, but the shock and the hope. I guess my H must have explained it to her in such a way that it seemed inevitable (he's been unhappy for years is one of his lines), but it still blows my mind that she didn't express any shock to me.

Originally Posted by wooba
H: "I am trying really hard to be civil, but if you keep handling things the way you've been doing, you will not like how things turn out."
Me: "I don't understand what you mean, will you clarify?"

Were you rattled at all internally here? Or you've heard enough of his ranting by this point to know not to give anything he says any significance?

Originally Posted by wooba
H: "THE DIVORCE!"
Me: "YOU told them."

and at that instant I realized there's is no point continuing the conversation. There is a thin veil of civility and nicety on him, but the inner illogical, angry, hurt child is itching to come out.

I said, I don't want to argue about this. It's getting late and I need to prep dinner for the kids.


Well done, wooba! This is the kind of inner calm and strength I need to draw on. You recognized there's no point in trying to change his reality; it seems he was trying to draw you into his emotions with that convo, and you simply removed yourself from it instead. I really, really hope I can do this the next time my H's inner illogical, angry, hurt child is on display. Stay calm, don't play into his feelings, remove myself from the situation.
59 1,276 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Wolfman, Im sorry for what you're going through, you both sound like youre both still healing from it all. I don't have sitch advice. On the computer end, did the hard drive shatter? If not you can still retrieve the contents once you get a new computer. It may not all be lost.
77 1,659 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Originally Posted by wooba
Core, I’m happy for you that you’re self reflecting and having a positive attitude about the future.

Now that you’ve read through your posts and you were able to identify your past mistakes, you are more equipped to keep moving forward with your life!

For anxiety, my general rule is to identify what I feel anxious about. Once X is identified, then ask the Q: is there anything I can do at this moment to affect the outcome of X? If not, drop it. Writing it in a piece of paper and toss it. Write it in your journal and close it. Vent here and close it. I’m glad that you found a trick for yourself also.

Good luck.

Thank you Wooba, I'll add your trick to my arsenal to try as well. I think multiple methods is key. Sometimes one...or many dont work at the time.

I guess after all my self reflecting, I'm looking for validation. Am I a fool in your opinion (s) for standing for the M in my sitch? Its a newer M, just about 6 years, weve been unhappy for a 3rd or more of it and W had her EA (or more who knows). I gave myself a year to stand. If the D takes 1 to 2 years after, thats a long time to be with someone who hurt you deeply. Now I can make the best of it and GAL however I like being home with the kids and so does W. We'll be all over each other in a bad way. We're getting along better as coparents, but I dont want just that.

I strongly believe for a cheater to change, they need to hit the wall or rock bottom if you will. In my sitch with W cake eating, thats not going to happen. If I dish out consequences, its controling, father like or nice guy like with a covert contract. W wont face any consequences and therefore I'll just be hurt again. Am I wrong here?

Why am I standing? I have some love for W still, and some attachment. I hate this stat for all of us here but the divorce rate of second marriages is through the roof, like 75%. Infidelity is more common than ever at like 50%. My odds in a new marriage are low. I dont like gambling. If its going to happen, why not stay with what I have?

I'm standing for my kids, to give them what I had growing up. I say I'm standing however am I settling? I think anxiety of a future relationship is partly why I choose to stand. I know the old version of me wouldnt stay with a cheater if it werent for the kids. Im standing for the wrong reasons, arent I? Even if W by some divine intervention turns herself around I think I'm here for the wrong reasons. Would I be a good H for her?

I want relief from the feeling that I'm being used. As I mentioned in the past, W gets to be SAHM, no job, enjoy her hobbies and spend. She's seemingly getting what she wants in life for the time being. I'm a beta fool for continuing to provide that, or so I feel. Now if I file for S or D, part of it would be to wake her up, or deal a consequence. I can rationalize that its because I need to get out for my mental health but at this time I know theres strings attached. So that's wrong to do obviously. Im just having trouble getting over the cake eating. I think its crossing my boundaries yet I dont know how to set or enforce a boundary here. Like....I cant say work on the marriage or get out. Plus when I said something closer to that, she chose to get out but "wanted more time". Which was prob time to cake eat. My ego dont like being used. I know W is going through her own stuff however isnt it also a nice guy thing to stand and give time? Lets say I kill the ego which some of you may think to do. Well...why? It would leave me to be used in an unhealthy situation.

Ladies on the board honestly if you were in my Ws shoes, how would you ever really return to the M and be attracted and respectful again? I dont see it happening. I'm still really conflicted over giving W more time and her basically having control of the sitch. I get more time to heal which is good. I'd heal so much much more quickly outside a coparenting IHS however. Others have responded to my similar questions in the past saying a sitch like mine takes years and usually a non IHS. I'm not going to be used for years.
57 1,828 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Next time buy a new computer


The computer had a lot of my work on there. I needed it back. It was part of the divorce agreement. I know this is hard for my daughter. I am trying to make this as easy as possible for my kids. My son is doing well with it. This divorce thing is so hard. I miss my kids so much the days I don’t have them. I had my kids meet my GF a few times before all of this. For my D it doesn’t matter who I date or bring home, she wasn’t going to like them. I am so sorry my kids have to go through this.
77 1,659 Read More
For Newcomers
4 hours ago
LIM,

I'm sorry you are back again and must be very difficult to have this happen again. We have actually seen this a few times recently where former members are back for a second time. Sounds like your W has some issues and needs to walk her path. Sounds like you may be in denial about some things that may be going on.

So it sounds like you made a lot of changes and have become a better person. I'm wondering what you have learned in the books you have been reading? I have done a ton of reading and research on relationships in the past 5 years. One of the things I have learned is to knowing your value. Once you determine your value you need to ask yourself if a person of your value tolerate this type of behavior? Then act according to your answer.
4 137 Read More
For Newcomers
6 hours ago
Hey ovr (and everybody else),

It's been a long, strange journey since I last updated with everything happening in my life. I was fired from my job from the IT company I was at for a year and a half. The same company I was working when my M was crashing and burning, yes. At the same time, I started to date and found myself in an R with a 39 year old mother of 3 teenagers. Since I last posted, I found work at a contract manufacturing company as a temp worker. I stayed there for four months. Things were pretty good between my (now ex) GF and I. We spent time with each other about once a weekend with me generally spending the night. She met D6 (how time flies) about two months after we started dating. Things were pretty good, but I started to notice a few things about her and my R with her. I'll get to the R details later since I want to finish filling you all in on what has been happening in my life up to this point.

My contract with the company ended just before Christmas with no offer of being hired on full-time, despite applying and being turned down for a few positions. Needless to say, the rejections crushed me and greatly affected my morale and mood going into 2020. In the 5 months since, I have applied to over 100 jobs with getting 10 interviews and eventually 2 job offers. The first one was close to where my exGF lived, the other, where I am working now, is close to where I live. It was a very difficult 5 months. I was spending time applying for jobs, exercising (I was still lifting!), break in to selling handmade photo gift cards, and spend time with D6. I was able to keep it together but the winter weather and the difficulty of landing a job stated to take on a mental and emotional toll on me. I broke down crying calling the local crisis line because I was so hopeless with the way things were unfolding. It seemed like no matter how much I tried I kept failing. My depression fully took hold and I was again fighting what was seemingly an impossible battle. COVID just seemed to make it worse (when in reality, it was when things started to turn around for me as far a job hunting goes). I was able to get a decent-paying job about 30 minutes from my house with (hopefully) an opportunity for advancement after my 90 day period is over. It's a fall from what I used to make but it's not unemployment and I am making enough to cover my monthly expenses. It's early but I feel and hope that my professional life is starting to turn around. I hope that it continues to improve and I can achieve the professional goals I set out to achieve when I left my toxic job (the one before the IT job).


My exGF was going through hardships of her own; her dog dying, her mom's cancer diagnosis, her XH going to jail for domestic assault on New Years Day, raising three teenagers, and school. She told me on numerous occasions that my R with her was good, though I was having my doubts about it and her. That being said, I did the best I could to apply the lessons from my previous M, the advice I got from this board, and other online resources. I made sure that I was the man in the R by leading the family when we were together doing family activities. I even made sure that sex was better and more regular than what it was with my XW. While all of this was going on, I made an effort to move forward from my XW, though there were times in which my XW was on the phone with me in front of my GF and XW would say something that would adversely affect me. My GF was starting to push me into moving into her place but my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". Her house was always so busy and I felt like I was more of a father replacement than a BF. We would go on dates when we can, but to be honest, it just did not feel right. Things were not clicking into place as I feel as they should. I tried to make it a R that exhibited love, but I just felt that the effort I was putting in was not being reciprocated. Should I have voiced my concern? Yes. It was a failure that contributed towards the end. Instead of communicating to her directly about it, I shelved it and hoped to approach it later. I moved forward with the R and hoped that as time moved on, our personal lives would get better and our R would be able to overcome this and take it to another level.

Then COVID hit. We started to see a lot less of each other and we tried (I tried) to keep our connection going. When I said that I tried, I suggested a video dinner. That happened once and she told me that she already ate dinner and was lying in her bed with pajamas on. So that was another blow to the R. We called each other daily, but the spark was not there anymore. I honestly wanted to end things but felt that I was not giving it the chance it needed. I wanted to see her again and try to rekindle things face to face. Alas, that never came to fruition as she attempted to ghost me but I called her the next day to talk things over and ultimately breaking up mutally.

Looking back, I am happy that I experienced what I feel was a rebound relationship. It validated that I am capable of finding love again. I am going to take a break from dating in general for now. I would love to get out there again, since I still have needs, but I am not in a desperate, post-BD rush to get them. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I noticed that in my last R I was starting to put aside the things that I enjoyed, like photography, and be complacent doing just enough to get by. I am working on improving my environment around me, like taking care of my house, cleaning, cooking my own meals. I am doing my best to be the best father to D6 I can be. I am working on my anger issues, which flare up from time to time. I am proud to say that I don't have outbursts to my XW like I did, though that may just be due to drifting apart after time. The biggest challenge is with D6 and she is now of the age where she tells me if I need to simmer down. I am very thankful for that, as she is working with me on keeping my anger in check. I am going into my 4th week at my new job and want to make sure I set myself up for success and growth. It is still early as to whether or not I will enjoy working there in the long term, but for now, it's a paycheck that is covering my expenses and is getting me out of the house.

My feelings for XW have gotten to the point where I don't want an R with her. I miss the good memories I had with her. I miss who she was and what she meant for me. I see her now and I am not attracted to her. She is not the same person I loved. And most importantly, she is not the same person I trusted. I share very little personal things with her, though none of it has to do with the way things fell apart or my R with with XGF. There was one day when I was having a particularly hard day and I was crying. She called to ask stuff about D6 and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was struggling and not sure what I wanted other than the pain to stop. She digs in a little more and shows concern that I may have thoughts of self-harm, to which I don't. I tell her that I am not going to do anything that would affect D6 because she needs her daddy. XW replies that it's not just for that reason I don't want to hurt myself. I told her that I'm fine. I know how it would affect my friends and family and would not subject them to that pain. She then brings up some of the times I was happy, like our M. I told her that it was a happy time, and that it was gone now. I ended the call telling her that things will be ok and that I will be fine. I try not to analyze her feelings and what she says, because it does not change anything.


I hope that all of you are doing well. I will try to resume some semblance of normal posting, but it would be more of me journaling rather than what XW is doing and trying to salvage a dead marriage. I am typing this with a thick, cloudy feeling in my head, so some of the stuff I typed out may not make sense. I will do what I can to clarify things in this post as I revisit you all.
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Surviving the Big D
6 hours ago
Yeah, DV's post inspired me to write some thoughts out. How are you Pinn?
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For Newcomers
7 hours ago

Here’s the link to my first post 4 years ago for anyone interested in the entire story. Not sure why I’m back posting now. Maybe I’m just hoping for some moral support.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=58778&Number=2637479#Post2637479

The short version is that my W is a triathlete. She had a 5 mo long PA with her coach. We are both 47 now and the OM is a few years younger. I discovered the A about 2 months in and she was kicked out of the house. We were “working” on the M when I was told the A stopped and she was living in a rent house. 3 months later, I discover the A is still going on so I file for D. OM then confesses to his W, the A ends and my W and I start reconciling the following week. A month later and she has moved back home. I took her back at the first sign of true remorse.

In the first couple of months that she was home, I felt she was behaving appropriately. She seemed remorseful, embarrassed, humble. Then something changed. Not sure what but her demeanor changed and she no longer struck me as the remorseful spouse ready to do whatever it takes to heal the damage.

Over the past 4 years, we’ve gone to counseling on and off. We go to church and participate in the various groups there. I’ve read a multitude of books and participated in A recovery programs. But we have for whatever reason, never truly reconciled and healed. I do not trust her. I think (know) she keeps secrets. And I don't think she’s actually even sorry for having the A. The main thing that I needed her to do was back off the triathlon stuff for a period of time at least until we could heal the M. That never happened. She went right back to it (without training with the OM) but we frequently ended up at the same places/races.

Fast forward to this February and she tells me she’s leaving and filing for D. Of course, everything is my fault. I will say that I am 100% a changed man from who I was 4 years ago but of course I am not perfect. I am still human. But I am a radically better person. The changes I made 4 years ago stuck.

So she moves back to the same rent house as before. I go to my church looking for help and I get it. I get her to take divorce off the table; at least for now. Then Covid hits so we aren't going to counseling or to meet with our church pastors. Nothing is happening to improve the R and we are barely seeing or speaking to each other. For the most part, I completely leave her alone. I detach, 180 and GAL. Even reread the entire DB book.

About 3 weeks ago, she seems to be acting very oddly and it seems to me like Affair behavior. I tell my pastor that something is “wrong.” 4 days later, basically by accident, I find out she had a 90 min phone call with OM. I inform the church and OM’s W. It is then that I find out that OM has just been kicked out of the house because he had another A that lasted 18 months after my W. He is now living in someone’s camper on a vacant lot. He has lost his training business and is stocking shelves at Wal Mart. Then I end up intercepting and email from my W to OM. The subject line is “True Love.” She basically goes on to discuss what a beautiful person he is. He is a “Blinding Light!” according to her. And now she loves him the way Jesus wants her to love him. Blah! I spoke to OM’s wife on the phone and I learn that my W texted OM a couple of years ago with a message and a song. The song is The Air That I Breath by the Hollies. Go Google the lyrics to that for a real kick in the nuts. That was sent to him a YEAR into our reconciliation. I also learned that my W had been participating in conversations about OM on a public FB group. OM’s W confronted my W and told her to stop doing that and leave their family alone. I’m only finding out about this now.

So I do not believe my wife is remorseful and I believe she is still romanticizing OM. I do not believe she has been having another A with the same guy over the past 4 years because he was in an A with a different woman (another athlete). And it really would have been impossible for her to physically be around him anyways. But she certainly could have still been having a 1 sided EA from afar the entire time. That could certainly be one of the reasons we have been unable to heal.

I received D papers in the mail yesterday. I guess that is my punishment for telling our church about the phone call she had with OM. My W is behaving Bat Sh!t crazy right now and she has never really been that way. She’s lied to the associate pastors about what is going on. She did meet with our head pastor after I informed the church about the emails and phone calls. He told her in no uncertain terms that she is sinning and being disobedient to God. She agrees and that she will accept whatever consequences come from her behavior.

I just don't even know what to do right now. I am sad, heart broken and dumbfounded as to why we are here again. I will have to tell my daughters this afternoon about the divorce when they get back in town. They are 17 and 18. They live with me and have only gone to stay with my wife 2 weekends since she left. They do not know about the A and I do not intend to tell them unless they ask me directly. I will not lie to them. I do know that they are NOT happy with my W right now and the way she is treating me.
I’ve gone dark. Definitely doing LRT.
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For Newcomers
7 hours ago
As far as your daughter goes, she had no time to adjust to her father being with a new woman, and now that she’s moved in, she is pretty much telling you she isn’t ready. Regardless of what your ex does, she doesn’t feel ready for this with you. Such huge adjustments for her in a small amount of time. I truly feel for her
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For Newcomers
7 hours ago
Next time buy a new computer
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Midlife Crisis
10 hours ago
Beautiful.

Well done Mom.
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For Newcomers
10 hours ago
Originally Posted by LH19
W,

I’m rally sorry your kids have to grow through this and hope they are getting the help they need. My friends parents aced like you two when they got D and he’s still in therapy. You guys are definitely immature and put both put your needs ahead of your children. It’s very sad that with all that is going on in the world they have this to absorb too.

Wolf you can’t control how your Ex acts but you at least have to do your part and do the right thing.


LH you are so right. I am trying hard to make things right with the kids but also not let her take advantage of me. That whole incident should have never happened. Even divorced she is STILL trying to control me. I don’t let that happen anymore and these are the things she does. Granted I shouldn’t have thrown the folder but I am just so fed up with her. She broke my computer and erased over 200 pictures of my kids on the computer. For what reason??? Just to be spiteful. And she subjects the kids to the police station. Why? Because when she longed for the computer and stepped in front of her and basically boxed her out. LH from the beginning you always said to me to take my b@lls back. I knew anytime I would stand up to her there would be h3ll to pay. That is exactly what is happening. I am taking my b@lls back and she isn’t use to it and throwing these crazy fits. In the last 2 months there has been so much that has gone on. I will share little by little.
My GF has been a champ in all of this. Surprisingly none of this has scared her away. She has also helped me stand up to the ex. Sometimes when I am going to just play nice with the ex so there isn’t this drama, she reminds me that’s not my job to appease her. That I have to do what’s right. So I do what’s right and the ex acts up. It happens everytime. But that’s not my problem anymore. I just hate drama but this is what I have to deal with.

I absolutely hate that this is happening to my children. I try and shield them as much as possible, but the ex likes to put on a show I front of them and only does what is right for her. My ex had more of my stuff so I had to contact a lawyer about getting it back. Do you believe the ex wanted to give me my items at the police station with the kids there? She was going to fill up a uhaul drive the kids to the police station, me bring a truck, and unload and load at the police station while the kids sat in the car. I told her absolutely not. Drop the kids off at my house first so the kids can be inside playing and then bring the uhaul to my house so I can unload it. After the lawyers went back and forth she realized that her idea was not good for the kids. I am so tired how she wants to do things in front of the kids.
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For Newcomers
11 hours ago
I hear what you are saying Job ---- frankly there is NOTHING here that is absolutely necessary. So I taking myself back and will ignore anything tossed my way. It will simply be white noise.

I got the garage rearranged and cleaned - it looks good.

Adult dog is still looking for puppy. I know I made the right decision. I did not have time for 2 dogs. We are all adjusting.

Right now my focus has to be 100% on something else - S18 leaves for college in the fall and I have only 45 days to file to get his father to contribute. I have to file before he turns 19. NO I did not leave it to the last minute and actually met with atty in March. That was right before C-19 closed EVERYTHING down. My atty said he will not do anything until courts open back up. Well - that was last week.

I'm a little stressed because everyone/courts will be back logged (and of course this is costing me more $$$ having to come up with a second atty retainer fee.) Everyone please keep me in your thoughts that I get this accomplished. S18 has worked so hard his entire life - taken every advanced course he could while maintaining a near perfect GPA. He is heavily involved with the local robotics club doing the software writing and development. He is an Eagle Scout. He deserves to go to a college best suited for him.

He is going to a in state university but this one is costing about 7k more a year but it is the best option. We looked into him staying local university but when we looked at the curriculum he could already do everything that was being taught in the first 2yr. frown The one he is going to is going to challenge him so much more. They allow the kids access to the latest and greatest tech - they just check out from the lab whatever they need. It's amazing. And, the internships that get offered and the head hunters that sit in the building everyday... its a no brainer. (PLUS, it's my alma matter too!!!) S18 father and I make enough money to make this happen.

And, when it rains, it pours they say. I just dropped a grand on a new dishwasher, got my phone fixed and well now the A/C isn't working... and that will not be cheap. I can do this!!!
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