I naively feel she won’t but vindictive, hut I also never imagined her cheating.
Whether she's vindictive or not...the law is the law.
I remember telling my L that my now ExW said she wouldn't come after me financially (I had significant pre-marital assets) and he strongly responded: "Well she's not entitled to it anyway." And it struck me why was I all worried about how she would treat me? I should be empowered. But he was detached from the situation logical and whereas we LBSs are emotional and fearful.
Maybe you get lucky and she's eager to get out as quickly as possible and feels some guilt and you get a great "business deal" (it happens, ask DnJ). More likely you get something close to what the law lays out. Do not accept anything less than what the law calls for; jump quick at any deal favorable to you under the law. That's where the L comes in...best person to advise you what you're entitled to in your jurisdiction. Don't remember if you said where you're located, but there are main areas of consideration:
*Custody - N/A for D23 & S17. A few years for D13. Don't accept anything less than 50/50. *Child Support - N/A for D23. Maybe S17, but some states are until 21. A few more years for D13. Often an online calculator for your state to run your income and your wife's income and estimate the obligation. *Assets - Guessing based on married 25 years neither of you have significant pre-martial assets, but if you do some states are either Equitable or Equal Distribution of Assets. The former meaning generally you take premarital assets off the top before dividing in two, the latter just straight up divide in half. *Spousal Support - Typically based on the length of marriage and disparity in income. You know both of those factors. Often times there's a straight up online calculator for length and amount of support. You should be able to find something by googling your state name and spousal support calculator.
Originally Posted by MikeP
What helps, I hope, is that she has a pension and 401k of her own.
Start gathering bank statements on EVERYTHING you can (credit cards, checking/savings accounts, retirement accounts...etc.). You should know how much you have in your 401k and how much she has in hers. Assuming neither had a significant amount 25 years ago before marriage it's a straightforward add up and divide by two. Unless she's willing to sign the farm away, which is possible, but probably unlikely...especially the longer it plays out.
Originally Posted by MikeP
Definitely need to contact an L though.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Definitely consult a lawyer.
Consulting one or more Ls is a no-brainer. Do at least one this week. The more of the above you have prepped the better - don't pay them $300/hr to do the prep work you can do.
Originally Posted by MikeP
These concerns are making me rethink retiring now.
Originally Posted by Kind18
If it looks like she is imminently going to file, I’d retire. Go through the divorce and financial split while you are retired. She gets her money at that point based on you not earning any more. Perhaps won’t get alimony if you’ve retired.
Get the $$s split done so you lose as little as possible. Once it’s all squared away, then you can look at deciding to get a new job.
If you start a new job, well paid, and then she files - it could put you in a much worse financial position.
Kind18's advice seems VERY wise. Way better to base support off a retirement / little income than a nice new flashy job. Be smart. And don't feel bad about getting the best deal. SHE is the one who wants a divorce.
