W had most kinds of childhood trauma you can imagine. Alcoholic/drug addict parents, dad in and out of jail, kept getting sent to foster homes where she was molested, raped/molested by an uncle (who recently went to jail for murder a few weeks before W gave me BD), dad committed suicide, moved in with different aunt/uncle, with her brother. They raised her and she calls them mom/dad, had a bunch of kids in the house, brother got kicked out of the house due to being a difficult child and sent to live hours away, molested by sibling in her new home, kicked out of this home and sent hours away last year of high school, then moved in with me. She is not in contact with bio mom and talks to brother a couple times a year. Sibling who molested lives across the country. The remaining family she associates with are all good people.
Wow DW17, that's a lot. If anything - and I know it's tough when dealing with the betrayal of a spouse's affair - try to work on empathy towards your W. Doesn't mean you excuse her actions and allow yourself to be disrespected, but give yourself some compassion in knowing there's a very real possibility this has less to do with you than it does your W. Often times people with trauma think they're over it and strive to do better but deep down it's been modeled and it can be so difficult to escape the past. But know that a person's poor behavior is a reflection on them, not you. It's understandable to get caught up in the hurt and anger of the betrayal or blame yourself for it all, but forgive yourself your mistakes and take comfort in the knowledge a very big part of this may not be about you at all.
Originally Posted by DW17
So yeah, a lot going on there and it's horrible. I knew most of this early on, but didn't comprehend the amount of pain this would cause her and what exactly I needed to do to help. W went to therapy as a kid, but never while we've been together. W always just blocked it out and said she was fine. As someone who has done the same thing with events from my past (alcoholic mom and my W's PA), I know that you can't just ignore these things.
It's not unusual to look past the issues of people you fall for, but good you recognize it now and won't sweep them under the rug in the future. These things are very difficult and require a lot of work and dedication. Hopefully you stick with IC and W commits to IC for herself as well, regardless of what happens with you marriage.
