Preparing for the end game, maybe.

[Was2sad]

LN

Try to sort self pity from fear. They both hurt. They both have to be dealt with. But not together. Fix life one problem at a time.

I say start with fear cuz the self pity is more an illusion. After dealing with the fear, see if any self pity remains.

Your W and OM are not the first to crack the ozone. If by some chance she was able to strike up a R with him, which one would you bet on to screw it up first? One of them will. They are both rebounding from emotional turmoil and have no busincess starting a new life with anyone ... much less their evil twin.

Compensate for not being a rock star by being a genuine person and father for your kids. I got a 19 yr old that just thinks being dead would be easier and better than living. I am really struggling with him. You think that playing a piano, practicing law, riding a Harley makes up for not being completely in the present moment for a child in pain?

How will your W be there emotionally for the kids from another state, overwhelmed with her new career and social schedule? My son said some things last night about me, our R, and the only things making his struggle worth it for now. He did not mention his mother.

You take care of yourself, and those kids, and let life take care of your wife. That is all you can do for her. Everything else you do must be for yourself and then the kids.

[LoginName]

Compensate for not being a rock star by being a genuine person and father for your kids.

Just in time good advice Was2Sad. thankyou. I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I'm curious as to why he would think the way he does, but don't want to pry.

I know that no matter how much of a rock star the OM is, I'm the father of these 2 kids. I'm learning more about what it means to be present and in the moment. They will need me.

Ah - there is a fear! I'm afraid she will try to take one or both with her. She says she wouldn't do that to me, but she was able to have an A and smile at me at the same time. I don't trust her. (and, I hate to admit, but I think this is one place we can all be, and should all be, honest, I am afraid I wouldn't mind her taking the kids. I'm tired. I don't want to be responsible either. But I know it's fatigue. Just thinking of them being gone hurts too much).

I hear you about the fear. I didn't think I was afraid, but I probably am. Afraid to be alone. Afraid I won't be loved. I know both are false. I think if I face those fears and stare them in the eye, they will blink first.

[Was2sad]

Fear what it would be like for the kids if you weren't there. We can all rest in heaven, no time for that now.

[justbestfriends]

Morning my friend. Sorry things are as confused as ever. I agree that you need to separate the fear out from your other emotions.

When my W went I was a real mess in utter panic for 24 hours and I cried more than I ever have in my life. But then the next day I suddenly felt like a bit of a weight had been lifted and I could breathe again. As you know, I've been up and down since but there's a lot to be said for knowing where you stand.

BTW your 'OM is a great guy' theory is rubbish and you need to stop thinking that way. He is a flawed human being like the rest of us. He had a relationship with a married woman, for goodness sake.

And if you need something to boost your self esteem and PMA really throw yourself in to your kids. They need you now more than ever before.

Take care of yourself my friend.

[LoginName]

Journaling, March 21, 2007
Well it is happening pretty much the way I thought it would. She was offered the job. We talked long and hard. She accepted the job.

The long talks led to this decision, with the caveat that we can change our minds and nothing is set in stone.

She will go to AR with my D and set up house there. I will stay in CO with S and maintain here. In 2 years, when S graduates from HS, we will all move to AR. It looks like my job would let me move and work remotely. (I'm very lucky to have found this job!)

The decision was mutual. I have many fears about it. I think she does too, although mainly she is really happy and excited. I agreed to let D go because if I didn’t, W would have turned down the job to stay in CO with kids. She would have been miserable and would have blamed me, subconsciously or consciously. My D is excited to go. She will be starting middle school, and many of her friends will be going to different schools than her anyway. My S is a sophomore in HS. He loves his school, his friends, playing Varsity Lacrosse, etc. He really doesn’t want to leave.

We will try to visit each other often. And if it doesn't work, she will quit her job and come back (I don't know exactly what "doesn't work" means. If I can’t stand to be away from her and D, will she quit?).

Other factors that influenced my decision include the fact that we seem to be making progress in rebuilding our R. We talk more. She says she is making decisions based on how it will affect me and our R, as well as the kids (before, everything she did was just for the kids). She is more trusting of me, leaving her daytimer out where I can see it, and even offering to let me examine her phone call record if I want ( I declined. There is NO way to be sure she isn't in contact with OM – and it can't matter). I did snoop in her daytimer though (all the while screaming at myself not to! I was weak). I found a copy of an email I sent her last year professing my love for her. I've kept the same email, and her beautiful and loving response, as well. It made me feel good for a minute that she had it. Although, you can't make assumptions. She might not care. It might be from a long time ago and she never looks at it anymore. She could be feeling sad that she will be hurting someone who loves her. Or, she might be finding her way back to me. Whatever.

We have been having good times together as a family. That is always good. We talk about being in AR together. I think she talks about it that way too. I better pay attention and make sure I'm not imagining things.

The good times and good feelings are starting to hurt me. I’m starting to want more, and hope for more. I've got to re-align my thinking: back off again. And do I have a right, or would it be wise, to expect anything at all? I really hope she can at least say ILY before she moves to AR. I hope she will be able to give me a hug on a regular basis (daily?) before she goes (maybe, dare I say it, a kiss?). How long can I go as 'just friends and co-parents'? I will need more eventually. I'd like it from her, but if I can't have that, I’d like the opportunity to find it elsewhere.

Which brings up jealousy. Before she goes, I will have a talk with her and we'll discuss dating. If she wants to date others, then we should divorce. I see it as that simple. I'd still want her back, but if we are married, then we don’t date others. (We both have had As. I don't want to act that way again. We should have integrity and honesty). What are the odds of her meeting someone there, who shares her profession, makes her heart flutter, and sounds like a better deal then me? I think they are pretty good. If we were in a good M, I wouldn't worry so much. Women, from my experience, don't look for a new R unless they are unhappy w/ the current R. Men, on the other hand, might look even if the current R is great.

So I hope someone out there reads this and comments. Am I really being an idiot? Is this situation really bad? I’m feeling OK, and fairly strong. Am I kidding myself?

[LoginName]

This W being nice and acting happy stuff is going to drive me crazy soon! ;-P

Her attitude is better. She can touch me when she goes by me now, without acting akward. We talk, and laugh. We do things together. And then it's time for bed and she goes to hers and I go to mine. Still no ILYs. It was almost easier when there was pain and tension.

I fear falling into the good roommate, good friends, but bad marriage trap that we were in before. I fear not moving ahead enough and her losing patients and deciding to leave after all. I fear I will lose patience. I fear her meeting someone in AR. I fear growing apart from my D when she lives in AR with W.

And I ache for the love I want; physical and emotional. (Some of that is just being a male I think. I'll have to find a satisfactory way to deal with that. ;-)

I'm working on a plan, a philosophy, to help me through this 'good' time. Do I continue acting as I was (modified LRT) or do I start practicing more of the DB techniques? Do I start pushing her, or keep giving her space? I think giving her space is still the right answer. Much thinking needed. Help me out, guys....

[*KS*Chick*]

praying for you. None of this is easy. Is she going to Arizona or Arkansas - Arizona isn't that far away and would be a good weekend trip wouldn't it?

[LoginName]

Hi UA,
She's going to Arkansas (isn't that AR? Is Arizona AZ?). AR is a 14 hour drive. She says she wants to visit and for me and son to visit often. Hope it can work out that way.

Thanks for taking time from your own sitch to check in on me. I'm praying for you too. I hope you can feel it, feel some good vibrations, strength, support, coming your way.

[*KS*Chick*]

Where at in AR? Why would she want to go there Just kidding. I have family around there, some I don't claim but...

[LoginName]

In Russelville, AR, about an hour SE of Little Rock. It's in a dry county!!! I don't think there is anyway I can go there!
She wants to go because she's been offered a job there and there aren't many jobs in her field. Also, I think she likes AR. She lived there for a few years and they were really happy ones for her. She was rich, had horses and maids, met her first love there (the OM!) was popular, etc. Maybe she's hoping to relive parts of that (not all I hope!)