Sometimes we see what we want to see, and sometimes we believe what we want to believe.
You're right in your own mind.
I've decided it is best if I don't post any further to you at this time. It seems I am just raising more defensiveness and justification for your continued pattern of dealing with your XH.
My posts seem to bring out more anger,pain and resentment from within you.
I do hope that things work out for you and your children.
Mmmm! Methinks maybe Paul is the one getting defensive now? I think you were pretty tough on Laughing, and when she gives her opinion of your read on her sitch, you withdraw. I have never thought Laughing to be defensive, or controlling ... quite the opposite. I thought she was somewhat too easy on her H ... maybe, for the sake of the children, which is a good reason. But, he has shown how far he is willing to go (I mean, really, what's with the veiled threat on her life), so I say, go all out, Laughing, protect yourself and your children, any way you can within the bounds of the law.
As for life .... it isn't fair or perfect, and why shouldn't we try and protect our kids as much from the bad stuff as possible. We can never completely protect them, because life has a way of getting it's negativity through no matter how we try to keep it out.
Take care, Laughing. Hoping you have a good week, and know that things will work for the best, ultimately. If there is any justice in the world, that is.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I wasn't angry, I haven't been angry, nor have I held anger in my heart while typing any of these posts. The anger felt is not mine.
For those who are concerned about D, I have set up an appointment for tomorrow with her counselor. After talking with her teachers, we all confirmed and agreed that this trip is not in her best interest as they have been kind enough to help me find a few ways to go about this. I talked with 7 teachers, the school counselor, the principal and superintendant, and suprisingly in my real life I found 11 people to agree.... I thought I was having a pretty positive day.
Has anyone noticed I haven't tried to change S's plans.... he wants to go, he is comfortable with the thoughts of going, I have concerns, however, I am leaving it up to him.... while preparing to deal with what comes next, when he comes back.
I am doing the same for my daughter, as she has chosen not to go, I am trying to protect her right to choose. She is 14 not 4, she doesn't have the bond with xh, she doesn't do well with her father nor his wife, as there are 11 people who agree with me, not that I need them to agree, but it was nice to hear.
In the months to come, their roles may reverse, and at that time, I will take a different stance, IF NECESSARY.
As for xh, he is responsible for the relationship with his children, he is responsible for his own actions. He chose to show up an hour late last night, which I of course had a civilian escort to witness his late arrival and noncompliance to the court ruling. Different? Yes, because he had called to ask if I would change the drop off to the farm, and when I didn't not answer my phone, he began to leave his angry, threatening diatribe on my voicemail..... which I saved. Normally, I would have allowed him to drop the kids off at the farm, but they are the ones that wrote the rules in the first place, and yes, I didn't allow the changes he wanted after all was said and done.
Now again, in my real life, things are looking up, I am feeling pretty dang good about myself, then to come home to this, it seems kinda weird.
Yes, after court, my inital response was anger, but hours later, I realized the intelligence of the court ruling, and understood this is where I am supposed to be, I am on the right track. It may not be the right one for everyone, but it is where I am supposed to be.
Thank you all for your opinions, thoughts, and support.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I think you are incredibly together and amazing in the face of all you deal with and all that you have dealt with lo these many months.
This has, no doubt, been an unspeakably difficult road for you.
You have been a bridge to your children's healing.
You have been a great mom. And that is what they will remember. That their mom protected them when it counted. Or at least tried.
Isn't this why many of these MLCers get into this mess to begin with? B/c of abandonment issues with parents? So, you are doing your part to prevent your kids from feeling that.
In time, their R with their father will iron out to something that they may or may not like, one that you may or may not like. But, again, that is your H's loss. Much of this already has been.
Great observation. I too thought that I was being defensive after posting.
Withdrawing is a part of me as well. It is an area I need to continue working on.
I did realize that I was tough on Laughing. I shared my thoughts of what I believed was happening with her. I did this to offer my take on the situation. It is quite possible that I am way off base. In reading Laughings responses to my post, that is what I'm hearing her say to me.
My thoughts and feeling of what I'm sensing is not always right. There are many things that I was not aware of in terms of her XH making physical threats and other inappropriate behaviors.
With the additional information Laughing has shared, I can totaly understand why she is doing some of the things she is doing. But there are others things that I see differently from my own perspective.
I'm sorry for being defensive in my last post to you. I reacted in my own way of dealing with conflict. Running away.
Whatever I see in others, I realize it is also a part of me. The anger I was sensing, maybe was my own. If I am way off base in what I have said to you, then let it go. if there is anything that resinates within you, than take it for what ever it's worth.
There have been different opinions posted about our dialogue and I'm sure there will be more to come. We all have opinions from our own way of processing information through our filters. Each of us have had different life experiences and therefor have different perceptions of what we are seeing or hearing.
So who's right? I don't know. I'm sure I will continue to have more questions than I will ever have answers. There are times when I thought I was right about something, only to be proven wrong at a later date. Isn't it great being human.
For me, I have come to realize that the problems in my life were self created. I have made choices, and then I had to deal with the consequences. Good or bad, I have had to learn that things don't happen to me without me playing some role in there occurence.
It is my belief that things that are happening in our life are taking place on a spiritual level as much or more than the physical level. Someday's I feel as if I understand life and relationships. Other day's I feel as if I don't have a clue.
Today is one of those day's I'm not sure what I know.
I said things in my posts because it was what I felt from my senses and own life experiences. It was harsh. That is why I asked for permission to share my thoughts first. Maybe if you had a heads up on what I was going to say you might of passed on hearing it. My intentions were not to upset you.
But we can't go back. I do want you to know that I care about you and wish you well. It is not my desire to cause you any further pain than what you have already experienced.
Laughing - While I tend to agree now's not a good time for D to travel with H, I thought the court ruling didn't give you an option? I fear that if you try to thwart the judge's plans by suddenly bringing up D's eating disorder symptoms, it will get turned around on you. Either you will be the crazy lady willing to "fake" D's illness to alienate her from her dad, or they will somehow blame D's ED on you.
I know this whole "parental alienation" stuff seems ludicrous - as if leaving the family, having an affair, and trying to leave your family homeless wouldn't be alienating without any interference from you! But be very careful - it's a real trend in family law, and it can be sticky to get out of. I had a neighbor whose H was abusive and erratic. She finally left him - and after a while the kids didn't want to visit him because of the way he behaved. The older boy was old enough to just refuse to go. The twin girls had to go - and ran away to the police station while visiting him. Somehow, THAT got turned into parental alienation and the courts insisted they go to their visitation and threatened the mom with loss of custody.
So - I guess my message here is, be very careful and very savvy. Get good legal advice before you bring this up at all. And remember, in the long run, the best thing might be for D to GO, be obnoxious and make everybody miserable. That way OW will keep H from ever taking her again.
Laughing, Honey - don't think we're beating on you, we're not. You know how hard tone is to convey sometimes in print.
I ABSOLUTELY understand why you don't want D to go with H - I wouldn't either. I'm just worried that you will be playing right into his hands if you don't send her, and hope to help you avoid the worst possible outcome, which is the judge taking custody away from you.
If she goes, she will just have a bad trip - and hopefully ruin everybody elses trip too. If you fight to have her stay with you, you may be giving ammunition to H so that he can make you look like you really are some alienating parent. Don't fall into the trap that is being set for you. Be very, very careful and very, very crafty. Talk to your attorney. I bet they will give you the same advice.
It will be better in the long run for D if she goes and has a rotten time, than if you keep her and they wrest custody away from you. Sucks, I know.
