You do understand and you do see. Yes, my desire is not to hurt xh, but to guard against any more pain for my children. He is not well, he is bitter and angry, yet because he refuses to look at his own actions, he is feeling like a victim or martyr, seeking revenge and control. Even his face has changed so much, he does not look like him. His stance, his constant clench of his jaw, there is nothing peaceful or loving near enough to the surface for him to see what he is doing.
I must help my children gain their voices back, show them their value and true worth. What he is doing is not right, is not fair, and all I am looking for is equity and for them to be heard.
You have posted with such fine elegance, I miss your presence here and your postings, this place is not the same without you.
How have you been? How is Joe? Have you been singing? What things have you learned?
I have missed you Jaybee, and I'm honored you felt compelled to write to me.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Oh, it terrifies me too. D is becoming anorexic or is one, for she is the type of child that used to consume 3500 (or more) calories a day and continue to weigh 120 to 125 pounds (what I'd do for a metabolism like this)on her small and lanky frame. Yup, she's all legs and arms) Since September/October, she has cut her food consumption down to a 1/2 cup of cereal in the morning, fruit or salad for lunch, and micro portions for dinner. She does have a large glass (20oz) milk for a "snack" after school, however, a snack in my terms is something I chew.
She still has good days, but even on good days, will not touch sugary foods or fried foods, and very few carbs... although can be tempted with a good alfredo, but it is very controlled when eating. I know you know the signs and symptoms as I watch for every bite, and pretend not to notice.
Every now and then, she will crave peanut butter, but on a spoon, so there are jars of that in the cupboard too. I can tell when her blood sugar dips too low, by the way she growls and her hands shake, but thankfully she will reach for a glass of milk in those times.
Yes, underweight, I know, her shoulder blades now stick out farther than her front side.... and her cute little round butt is no longer there. I am worried because she will begin track soon, as she may not have enough energy stored to keep her from falling on her face, but then again, it may just help her with her appetite.
The stress from these past years are now appearing within both my children. I have noticed in calmer times, she will relax the control, eat more, as I have even seen her nibble some chocolates. Oh yes, nibble she does, just like a mouse. She once would eat a huge bowl of popcorn, look for pasta or cake then a hour or so later, eat a full dinner plate. Now, I stock those food she will eat and pray she wants more.
I am watching her closely, as are two of her teachers. As long as she is holding her weight here, I will just sit back, but if she looses any more, I am ready with more help. I am hoping she can turn this around in her own way, and not get trapped by the voices within.
Both my kids are thin, they have been since they started to run. As it is difficult to imagine they were both 30 pounds at 12 months. They weighed that same 30 pounds at 3, 4, and 5, and slowly crept up as they grew taller. She maxed out at 125 pounds, but since I knew she ate all the time, I wasn't concerned. Now, everything is scrutinized before she puts it into her mouth.
It is difficult to watch, but I know you understand. I can't say a word of concern, until she is ready to listen.
Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
I can't say a word of concern, until she is ready to listen.
Oh yes you can!
Please understand this about eating disorders - it is NOT a deliberate act. It is NOT under their control. It is a demon forcing them not to eat. You need to help her fight that demon. Although she may fight disclosure like a drug addict does, she will be secretly glad that you are there and can reassure her that you will help her to fight this monster.
It's closest relation is obsessive-compulsive disorder. Picture the person with an OCD germ phobia. They know intellectually that it is safe to shake hands, but the obsessive thoughts about germs torment them until they HAVE to go scrub and scrub and scrub. It is like having an itch and being told not to scratch it.
It is similar for eating disorders. They can be starving, and yet the obsessive thinking won't let them eat.
One big worry I have about your "wait and see" approach: the more weight they lose, the harder it gets to reach them. Often, the initial weight loss is normal (my D lost 20 lbs. doing Junior Lifeguards in the summer. She was getting a great workout, and the weight she lost just moved her from the high end of normal to the low end of normal. Still, it was enough to kick off the eating disorder in someone with a genetic predisposition. Luckily, we found out about it only 6 months later - she had lost a total of 45 lbs. by then)
Does she love track? If so, can you get the coach to say she can't compete until she puts on some weight?
Some things that helped me:
The book The Secret Language of Eating Disorders does a pretty good job of getting inside the mind of someone with an eating disorder - my daughter confirmed afterwards that it was pretty accurate.
Another book, The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport, was hlpful to me. While it is a book about OCD, not eating disorders per se, it helped me to understand the compulsive aspects of eating disorders.
You're a great mom, L. Don't worry about H. He's a sick man. The kids can see that. They are old enough, they will now forge whatever R they are or aren't going to have with him. Luckily, they are old enough to tell the courts which parent they want to live with. Trust your kids. Just because S hopes to get a car out of dad doesn't mean he will abandon you - it just means he figures he might as well get what he can from H.
You know, I just read a story in this literary magazine I get called The Sun. A lot of the stories are autobiographical. This one was told by a woman whose father had an affair. Mom kicked him out and divorced him. Dad took up with another woman (not the original OW) and quickly married her. Soon after, dad was diagnosed with early Alzheimer's - in retrospect, not only the affair, but various other odd behaviors were explained by the brain disease. Second wife ended up nursing him until he died at 57.
I often wonder, when spouses behave SO erratically as yours does, which of them will turn out to have a brain disease. Actually, I guess most of them at least have the brain disease of depression, but some day one of these guys is going to turn out to have some kind of dementia or a brain tumor or something. Don't know why your H makes me think of this, but he does.
He's sick, L. Let it go. Teach your kids to speak up for themselves, help them to see their dad isn't well and it's not about them. So long as the majority of their life is spent in your loving family, the weird times they spend with dad will only be a footnote to their lives.
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain.
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED. These are the three things we value the most.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother?
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside?
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life."
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce?
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
Ahhh, no.
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
I'm not trying to defend myself, I am trying to explain, to open a larger window so that you may understand.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain. This sounds true, however, I am explaining, not defending
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives. As long as he continues to act in the fashion he is today. If and when he is able to pluck his head out of whereever it is, and be responsible for his actions, he will be more than welcomed to join the crowd.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED. These are the three things we value the most. There, yes, safe. Remember, this is the same man that asked ME if I knew how easy it would be to kill me. Just Tuesday evening, I had his best friend/now tenant farmer, shooting firearems in my pasture. No it may have been a bullet accidently ricocheted pasted my vehicle as I was driving by, (over 400 yards, I might add) or maybe not. Ya, safe would be a good word to use.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain. Paul, I don't care if he loves me, I'd really much prefer if he didn't. Respect me as the Mother of his children, would be good, but na, it's okay with me that he's is married to someone else. He is unable at this time to value me, I know this, this is okay too. I have value and respect for what I do, I don't need anyone elses.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain. Whoa, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when their father left, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when they lost 2 grandmothers within one year of each other, I'm glad they don't feel anything when they think about loosing their home, I'm glad they didn't feel any pain while they watched me go through treatment last year, hey, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when they heard their father was in a motorcycle accident, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when we lost three beloved pets in the past 2 years, I'm glad they don't feel anything when their father doesn't show up to games, promotions, award ceremonies, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when their Dad married the woman they feel took their Dad away..... Gosh, I thought they might have had too much in the past 4 years, and this is what I can recall right now, if I sit and actually think, I bet I can come up with another 24 experiences they have had, oh, like have their Aunt pass away, and the two other Aunts go through breast cancer, I'm sure you get the drift.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother? My God, NO! What it does mean is that I studied hard AND I comprehended what I read.... I have no judgement on subjects pertaining to motherhood... I just know I'm doing the best I can.
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived. I'm obsessed? Not the word that has been used to describe me, but if you think so, okay.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love. Life is not perfect, it isn't fair either.... check.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside? My self worth has nothing to do with my children.... although I do want them to know THEY are so valuable that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, if need be.
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life. Where does protecting healthy emotional boundaries come into play here? Hmmmm, I guess I'm supposed to let xh walk all over me, and even the court orders... and how am I suppose to change the dance, by changing me or the way I act/react to his control/power plays? Hmmmm, I still don't exactly what you are looking at.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life." Oh, I have full intentions of allowing God to handle things, but I believe he also wants to me help myself too and not just sit back and wait for Him to do everything.... He's wants to see that I find self worth enough that I want to help myself also...
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce? Oh, that's easy, there is REAL joy, we finally have peace, have learned what harmony is all about, and I have so many more people in my life, than I did the 15 years we were married..... Life is 100% better!
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
It's our choice.
Love, Paul
Just take it for what it's worth.... Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
In reading your post, I sense I have struck a nerve.
My assumption you're feeling not appreciated, valued or loved?
Ahhh, not quite true.
What I hear when I read your post is a person who is in pain and is trying to defend their actions. This is normal, I have done it for most of my life. Although today, I try not to do it.
I'm not trying to defend myself, I am trying to explain, to open a larger window so that you may understand.
When a person defends, they are covering their fears and not facing their pain. This sounds true, however, I am explaining, not defending
In an earlier post you stated that you wanted your XH to leave you and your children alone. You wanted him out of your lives. As long as he continues to act in the fashion he is today. If and when he is able to pluck his head out of whereever it is, and be responsible for his actions, he will be more than welcomed to join the crowd.
I assume that comes from the desire to be SAFE, VALUED and LOVED. These are the three things we value the most. There, yes, safe. Remember, this is the same man that asked ME if I knew how easy it would be to kill me. Just Tuesday evening, I had his best friend/now tenant farmer, shooting firearems in my pasture. No it may have been a bullet accidently ricocheted pasted my vehicle as I was driving by, (over 400 yards, I might add) or maybe not. Ya, safe would be a good word to use.
Your XH brings up feelings within you that are the opposite of these feelings. You don't feel SAFE as long as he is part of your life and your childrens life. You don't feel VALUED or APPRECIATED by him for raising the kids and helping them become who they are today. You definetly don't feel LOVED by him, for if he really LOVED you, he wouldn't be causing you all this pain. Paul, I don't care if he loves me, I'd really much prefer if he didn't. Respect me as the Mother of his children, would be good, but na, it's okay with me that he's is married to someone else. He is unable at this time to value me, I know this, this is okay too. I have value and respect for what I do, I don't need anyone elses.
Your children are old enough now to form their own opinions. Your XH, their father, is a sick man. They can see this with their own eyes. They are at an age where they are forming their own beliefs and understanding of life and relationships.
What I hear you saying is that you have protected your children from experiencing normal human experiences. Your fears are making you overly possesive in protecting your children from experiencing pain. Whoa, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when their father left, it's a good thing they didn't feel anything when they lost 2 grandmothers within one year of each other, I'm glad they don't feel anything when they think about loosing their home, I'm glad they didn't feel any pain while they watched me go through treatment last year, hey, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when they heard their father was in a motorcycle accident, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when we lost three beloved pets in the past 2 years, I'm glad they don't feel anything when their father doesn't show up to games, promotions, award ceremonies, I'm glad they didn't feel anything when their Dad married the woman they feel took their Dad away..... Gosh, I thought they might have had too much in the past 4 years, and this is what I can recall right now, if I sit and actually think, I bet I can come up with another 24 experiences they have had, oh, like have their Aunt pass away, and the two other Aunts go through breast cancer, I'm sure you get the drift.
Your children have never experienced a broken bone, cavity, bloody nose, or been in the hospital overnight, or had sany other health issues or problems. If they had experienced these things, would that make you a bad mother? My God, NO! What it does mean is that I studied hard AND I comprehended what I read.... I have no judgement on subjects pertaining to motherhood... I just know I'm doing the best I can.
Laughing, your insecurities and fears are driving you in your pursuit of External Power. You are obsessed with controlling everything around you and your children's lives. By doing this, you are not allowing your children to live life. And neither are you allowing yourself to live life, the way it was intended to be lived. I'm obsessed? Not the word that has been used to describe me, but if you think so, okay.
Life is not all perfect. To experience life fully, one must feel the pain that comes with living. Your childrens situation with you and their father is an opportunity for them to learn what love is and what love is not. You are trying to manipulate and control in an effort to protect your children from experiencing the opposite of love. Life is not perfect, it isn't fair either.... check.
How will one know what joy, love and happiness is unless they have experienced the complete opposite. Experiencing the negative emotions makes feeling the positive ones that much more special.
In your effort to prevent your children from living and experiencing the life you grew up with, you are unknowingly re-creating it.
Laughing, you look for your own self worth through your children. It is your children who make you feel "good enough." It is your children who make you feel "valued." It is your children who make you feel "loveable." Without your children who are you? Are you not these same things? What do you really feel about yourself inside? My self worth has nothing to do with my children.... although I do want them to know THEY are so valuable that I would go to the ends of the earth for them, if need be.
Your pursuit of External Power by control and manipulation is your attempt to make yourself feel whole. This does not work. How do I know? Because I have tried it my whole life. Where does protecting healthy emotional boundaries come into play here? Hmmmm, I guess I'm supposed to let xh walk all over me, and even the court orders... and how am I suppose to change the dance, by changing me or the way I act/react to his control/power plays? Hmmmm, I still don't exactly what you are looking at.
My external pursuits have all been about trying to make meyself feel "good enough," "valued," and "loved." The more I pursuid externally to fill that void within me, the more I hungered for more of it. I could never quench my thirst for feeling good about me. I too have become obssesed in my pursuit to seek appreciation, to be liked and loved, to be complimented for my value as a human being. I too don't value, appreciate, respect, nor love myself like I should. For most of my adult life I have felt that I did not deserve better things to happen to me or for me.
Until I can fully love myself, feel that I am good enough just as I am, and value myself for all that I am right now, I will never find peace, harmony and love.
I have believed that everything was within my power. I believed that I was driving the bus. I was WRONG.
The only thing within my power were my thoughts, my feelings, my attitude and my choices. Everthing that was external, from that which was within me, was not in my control.
It took me a long time to "let go" of the steering wheel on the bus and take a seat in the back. Soon I began to appreciate watching "life evolve" versus trying to "control life." Oh, I have full intentions of allowing God to handle things, but I believe he also wants to me help myself too and not just sit back and wait for Him to do everything.... He's wants to see that I find self worth enough that I want to help myself also...
From time to time I do try to jump back in the drivers seat and grab hold of that steering wheel. Why? Because old beliefs crop up inside my head thinking that I can control things. Bad habits are sometimes hard to change. As human beings, we are creatures of habit.
But we have the ability and power within us to create new beliefs and new habits that will bring us more peace, harmony and love.
If you were to look back over the years to when you first began this journey of your XH's MLC. Would you say there is more or less, peace, harmony and love in your life today, than when you first started down this path of seperation and divorce? Oh, that's easy, there is REAL joy, we finally have peace, have learned what harmony is all about, and I have so many more people in my life, than I did the 15 years we were married..... Life is 100% better!
Through the choices we make, we do create our own reality.
Many of us are in pursuit of that "someday" when everything will be just right and perfect. I have come to realize. "someday" never comes. The only time there is is NOW.
Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet here. The only moment that exists is the PRESENT. That is the gift God gives to each of us.
We can live in a world of regret, guilt and shame of our past. We can fear what the future might bring to us and remain stuck in our current life and not move forward. Or we can choose to find peace, harmony and love in the PRESENT and appreciate all the beauty that life offers us daily.
It's our choice.
Love, Paul
Just take it for what it's worth.... Take care of you, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Laughing, A little bit defensive aren't we? I am going to stick my head out here and reply to you. This is what I have observed for a long time with you. I think that you are so afraid of losing everything that you are fighting so hard to keep it but in the process you are losing it any way.
What fears are keeping you from moving on and letting go of the past? You are so determined to stay on your farm even though it is constantly causing you and your children stress ( and I'm not talking a little stress either). By doing everything that you can to hold on to that farm you are creating problems in your life. I have read all your excuses about why you don't want to move and I think that they are just your fear talking. I think that you are afraid that if you let go that you will lose that connection to your xh. I don't believe for a second that staying on that farm and all the crap that is happening with it is good for you or your kids. Think how much stress would be relieved if you had your own place that your xh had absolutely no connection to.
I think that you are afraid to let go. I don't think that it is just your xh that is trying to control this I think you are.
You are trying way to hard to control the relationship between your children and their father. Their relationship is just that THEIR RELATIONSHIP. As much as it sucks( and believe me we do know that it sucks) it is and has to be between them. YOU are not responsible for the pain that he is causing them. He is.
Continuing to fight him is only causing them and you more stress. The only reason he is even trying to do all of this is because he knows that you will take the bait again. How many times have you played this game with him? I have lost count. I suspect that you have lost count also.
Now please don't think that I am telling you to lay down and not protect yourself and your children, I'm not. I'm trying to point out to you that you keep fighting and keep getting beaten down and yet you don't ever change your tactics. You have been beating your head against the same wall for years and you think that if you paint it a different color that it is a different wall but it isn't. What you are and have been doing isn't working and hasn't worked. Everytime you go to court you end up in a worse and worse situation than you were before. My thought is that God is trying to tell you that he has different plans for you but you are so stubborn that you aren't allowing him to get you the message. When what you are doing isn't working it is time to try something totally different.
I have watched my BIL fight his ex in court for 9 years. He has spent well over a $100,000 and you know what, he still never gets to see his kids. His ex accused him of horrible things and lied about everything. Even though there was proof he finally had to stop fighting. Even with all of the proof that he had he still kept losing in court and destroying his family at the same time.
I don't know why the court system is so blind and ignorant sometimes but they are. I don't think that you are going to make any progress as long as you keep having show downs with him in court. You need to learn to have faith that God is going to make your xh pay for all of his actions. Even if the judge doesn't see it God does. I don't believe that God wants you to keep pushing yourself down this road. I believe that he has much better plans for you but until you let go he can't get you on that new and better path. And please don't tell me that you have let go. We all know better.
I recognize that you are going to have answers for everything that I have written here but I hope that you will at least consider my thoughts on this.
ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
I don't feel you are being defensive at all. You are getting a lot thrown at you and you are trying to answer their questions.
I think you are doing the right thing regarding your xh. He won't leave you alone and you need to protect yourself and your children. I think ultimatley the rewards will be yours.
It is okay to let go and let God but God gives us the tools necessary to fight the battles we need to fight. I have not seen an angel come down lately to help me fight my battles or seen a burning bush for that matter.
Anyway I think your hard work and patience will pay off. You have a much harder battle then so many and it has not made you angry or bitter. But quite the opposite. You have grown as person and a mother. You are loving, caring and so very smart.
I just dropped by to see how you are doing. I had overlooked the comment about your d's weight that Ellie picked up on. And I am also the mother of a young woman with an eating disorder, as you may well remember.
And I just wanted to say that early intervention is SO important. My d has suffered from bulimia for many years, but of course, her weight was always normal so we did not pick up on the secret problem in the early stages. And she has struggled so much psychologically, including resorting to serious self harm, which is common when these inner demons take over their lives.
She is only now getting in control of her obsession with food and weight and it is still an uphill struggle. Eating disorders can become so intractable if left untreated, so I hope that you and your d can find a way to help her deal with the stresses of life which does not lead to such a serious and long lasting problem. Please be proactive, as Ellie advises.
I hope that there is good professional help available to you and that she is willing to take full advantage of any help offered.
As to the rest of the advice you are being given. By all means consider it, take what is useful and let the rest fall away. You don't have to defend yourself, dear Laughing.
Thank you for your kind words. To answer your questions: I am fine, my parents are still doing well, despite their great ages. See above re youngest d!
Joe is great, and his dad did seem to listen to what I wrote to him a few months ago about giving Joe a bit more of his time and attention. I have learned that stopping the regular contact from my xh has been incredibly freeing for me, although he has seemed to be quite depressed this winter.
And yes, I am still singing. It brings me such joy, and has been the source of many new friendships.
Much love
Jaybeexxxx
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
I hope you don't still think your XH is a "decent man underneath", after that not-very-veiled-at-all threat to your life? Decent men don't do this, not even when going through MLC.
As for your D's problems, I can empathise with you, my D is going through rough times. It breaks my heart that when S2BXNH left, he told me that our D7 would be OK, as "children adapt". So easy to say, tra la.
Laughing, I imagine you have read up about triangulation? Also, get hold of that book "SPLITTING: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist". Please check this out.
