do think we also need to talk about R/M... how can you end it w/o a conversation??
You are not ending this. so take such a question and burn it. MLC dos not mean a marraige is over. Infidelity does not mean a marraige is over. A marriage is not over because one party wants out and thinks it is over.
BUT... It is on hiatus, and really, your old marriage is dead--even if it was a good one. You can grow into a better marriage through this journey.
the first job (you can do it vene if it is difficult) is to discard that negativity about how can it be over. It's not. Beleive in that.
If you actually want to end your marriage...then have a relationship talk with him. This will be contrued as pressure and pursuit and he will continue to retreat. Right now your goal isn't even to get him to stop retreating...cause he's going to go deeper into this crisis whether you like it or not.
So let him. And while he is doing that, you will be doing your thing. You need to focus on yourself and find you own inner stregnth and peace...so he has someone strong to return to when it is time.
I am totally stressing today...H never came yesterday to give me a check for the bills...never even called. I am 100% positive that he has filed...I wish he would tell me...the anxiety of waiting for the papers to come is unnerving!! Went out with a friend for dinner tonight and why is it when you are M you never notice how many couples there are and when your in our sitch it seems like everyone around you is happy with their BF/GF and your life seems hopeless?? Someone tell me to STOP checking his acct...more $$ dep yesterday...where is he getting it??? Why should it matter???
You are trapped in focusing on him and you need to stop. As my DB coach Chuck said, I need to do something for myself. Get a hobby, take dancing lessons, take a mini-vacation somewhere you have always wanted to go, something that is not a negative outlet to start something new that is YOU!
I know what you are going through. My W has left so many areas easily traceable and viewable not to mention I used to drive by her EA place to see if she was there. I also drove by a couple of times at the coworkers house she is staying at (not an OP). When I asked my W what she needed from me and she replied complete and total separation, I decided then and there I would stop checking on her in all areas. This has been difficult because she bought a new car, set up accounts with our insurance company, uses a cell phone I pay for on my account (I can retrieve text messages any time since the account belongs to me) and so other areas, if I WANT to. I could've been a private investigator with the number of ways I could track her. But it serves no purpose. It hurts me more than her. This is hurting you and your daughters. Let it go.
You cannot do anything about him. Consider him a lost cause for now because he is. If he comes back later after you have had a chance to work on building yourself back up to who you should be, then great. He will be even luckier than he was before he left. At the same time, you will have a better marriage because you won't need him, it will because you want him. Big difference.
Stay strong. Find a positive distraction. Avoid destructive outlets or behaviors at all costs. You can do it. Do it for your self and your children.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Mom, Like your H mine is 'shacked' up with a much younger woman. He is 42 next week and she was 26 in Feb. She is also a foreign national, doesn't work etc etc. They have been together about 15 months and have been engaged nearly a year! We have not even started D proceedings as I type! So I know totally where you are coming from.
My kids are all teenagers (or nearly)and it has been very hard on them b/c they know all the implications of this. If your's are still little at least you can spare them the 'gory' details. Mine asked the questions for themselves.
As I said yesterday, stop checking his account it only causes you more distress. Follow to the letter the advise RCR has given you she is very good at it!
I also know what you mean about seeing other 'couples' together. There have been several times in public when I have broken down in tears due to just this scenario. It does get better I promise.
I am unable to give you any advice about D b/c as I said my H and I are not there yet. My H does keep threatening it though and I found fairly quickly that the way to perpetuate these threats was to beg, plead be bitchy etc. Now I just tell him that he has to do whatever his conscience will him to do. I'm pretty sure he will file eventually (probably when we have been separated 2 years)but I will definately be contesting it and with any luck the court will make him wait until we have been separated 5 years. After that he can D me without my consent. Originally he wanted me to D him for adultery but I refused even though I was well within my rights. This made him extremely angry but I was determined not to give in to his demands. I have my pride and principles and 'til death do us part is a very strong one for me.
(((((((((Hugs))))))))))
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I want to add that you have every right to know what is going on in his life, even now but the dynamics have changed. You need to ask yourself each time you want to do something, anything that you normally took for granted before, "is this something that is good for me. Will it cause damage to myself, my children, my husband or anyone else?" If the answer is yes, DON'T DO IT!!
There is no justification for doing something that is wrong. You will mistakes but forgive yourself and move on. Don't lie to yourself. Choose what is right, every time. You then can look back with the knowledge you took the high road. Nice guys/girls may finish last but they finish with style, grace, character and are happy with the way they ran the race. You never hear about that side of that overused phrase. People who finish first but hurt people along the way are unhappy people. People who hurt others are hurting inside.
If you have to get angry about your sitch, go ahead! Make it a righteous anger. Do it in private but get angry. Get angry about what is happening. Get angry that you let yourself be controlled this way. And then forgive yourself, your husband, the OW, anyone that you hold anger toward.
You know what I am still pissed off at? Worldly influences. I don't know your spiritual background but I believe that I can choose to listen to God and what He clearly tells us will give us joy as opposed to listen to those who are against Him and having joy. Don't allow this to happen to you.
We are here for you so keep allowing all the negative stuff to be posted here. Keep it from your girls. Keep it from your friends. Keep it from your H and the OW. Share it with your C and with your spiritual advisor. If you don't have a spiritual advisor, find one that stands for marriage and the DB techniques. Call one of the DB coaches. They are great.
Sorry for going on so long but I can see you are hurting and you have plenty of company here who cares about you and your daughters. Hang in there!
P.S.Do not allow this sitch, as difficult and horrible that it is, to steal your joy. Standing for your marriage also means standing for yourself. God does not want you to take all this onto yourself. Give it and all the pain to Him. Look at your daughters faces and you will see Him there. That is what I do. I look at my kids faces and the pain subsides. And, yes, I see their mom's face their but it gives me comfort because I see the woman she was, not who she has become.
You are loved. Never forget that.
MMF
Last edited by missmyfriend; 03/10/0702:38 PM.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Take a very deep breathe and another one.....You will be fine.
Now since you really aren't sure where the check is and for whom don't over analyze it. Take a break from the madness...if only to go out with those girls and boys of yours. You can sit all day and analyze and analyze and still nothing. Some of them do go to a lawyer but never file.. never proceed... Some have been in divorce mode for 2 years and still nothing.If it comes you have a lawyer. If you want to proceed with the D go ahead it's your choice, however if you don't want a D go to your lawyer and tell him so.. that you will not help in any way so H can get his D. And it's him that wants it and you should do absolutely nothing to help him only do what you need to do for yourself. If you don't want a divorce tell the judge or his lawyer that.. NOTHING. Absolutely nothing for him!
Protect yourself. Protect your finances. Make sure that he is not draining bank acounts, taking big sums of money and showing nothing for it...Use only one credit card if you have to. Otherwise protect yourself by taking your name off the account. Remove you name from all bills regarding the house. You will need to protect your self. I know you don't want to hear these things but we are only looking out for you, we are your friends that will help and guide you thru this nightmare. We have been before you and know more. Take advise or don't that is your choice. You might need to see a therapist and get Ad meds. Just hitch up your bootstraps and move, the sooner you get a life make your own decsions and protect yourself you WILL feel better. One more thing.... don't talk to him right now about anything regarding marriage or relationships etc to him. NEVER mention the other person you will be giving them power...the op..
You will be okay one day, your just not okay today... saying that to yourself helps alot. Hope that I helped and didn't scare you always feel free to post here....ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Consider what happens if you want to be on high road, but tell him you know all about his stupid behavior, OW, and have been talking to your own L.
Here is what it will look like. Remember those drills in school from the 60's. The ones in black and white movies where the kids all get on the floor with their heads between their knees as the bit shiny mushroom cloud gets bigger and bigger?
Do not play all your cards.
Give him rope. Give him a chance to fess up. Give him time to think about what he is considering doing. Hey, what if you find out it was for a surprise in the family and not a used car for OW, or her new boobs? He may not be filing. He needs to be the one to step up to telling you what is up.
Do you normally see a printed bank statement, how often, when is next one due? How long can you pretend all is ok? The more ok you make things seem, the harder it should be for him to make any move. He is not the guy you M and he is not himself. He is addicted now to something he can't control. An A with younger OW at a time in life when a man is feeling like he has one foot in the grave is horrible. He will destroy all he loves in the illusion that he is falling head over heals in love with someone else.
Give yourself some time to be the silent observer. Stay on the high road and you will never have any regret. If you decide you have to discuss M, you may find it impossible to control emotions and then before you know it, head between the knees time.
Take a great deal of time to read the posts here, contact Jack3Beans. Understand that at some point he was strong enough to take a stand, and stop the initial acts of begging. If you talk, be calm, in control, in the driver's seat. Be the one to calmly say you believe the M to be worth saving and standing for. Be ready to say if he wants out, he must do his own leg work. You will not fight him, but will not help him.
He should know that whatever he is going through is not worth ending the M, and will statistically fail him in the end. If he is considering ending his second M, he has no idea how few third M work. He will not respond to such logical talks, if he is focused on having this OW.
If your M is going to be in trouble, talking to him about it is not likely to alter anything. Do not be too quick to do it.
Thank you to all..I couldn't do this without all of you who understand what I am going through! My mom who is my biggest support just told me yesterday that she hopes this is over soon and I get served...WTF...I know she did not say it to hurt me...I just think she sees the toll this is taking on me and the kids. I also found out (not by snooping!!) that OW has 2 kids. I wish he wasn't talking so much about OW!! UGh I guess it is jealousy on my part...how can H act like he is not married? H is undependable even when it comes to his own children...how is he going to take care of someone elses... I am in a rut....I hate feeling this way. I had a pit in my stomach from the minute I woke up this morning!
You are right about your mom. She loves you and cannot stand seeing you hurting this way and believes that you will be better much faster if the plug is pulled on your marriage. It depends upon what you really want from this mo2g. Do you want to continue standing up until a point? If so, sit down and really talk to your mom and see if she can support you in standing. If she can't because of the pain it causes her, you may need to filter what you say to her, for her and your protection. It is difficult enough to stay on the path you have chosen without people you love confusing you because giving up can be so enticing and the support for doing that is provided by so many people out there because marriage is disposable in today's society.
Keep praying and let us know what happens.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
