An open letter to Mr Hap. (aka Bobby McGee)

[haphazard]

I sent this to H by e-mail this morning following a conversation that turned into an argument

You're a good communicator but don't want to (with me)

I'm a bad communicator who would like to communicate with you

If you're the good communicator and I'm the bad communicator surely it behoves you to be patient and make an effort with me rather than just thinking "she's useless I can't be bothered"

BTW I think I'm actually pretty good at communicating with people who haven't plighted their troth to me, so it doesn't really make sense to label me as BAD at communicating. I do get fed up trying to communicate positively with you because you don't seem to read anything in a positive light it seems like some sort of self-esteem issue for you which I still haven't figured out a way to get past - and nowadays I'm not sure it's my job to try and get past that - I actually think it's yours. You can't take a straight-forward compliment like "you look nice" at face value. Why not? Lately I've been working on the theory that hurt feelings are ego bruises, when I have hurt feelings about something I have been trying to look at myself and what my ego is trying to do, what expectation of my ego has been let down. In other words my ego tells me I'm great someone says something which contradicts my ego's version - I have been trying not blame them for that I try to look at why. Ego's will go OUCH when they are contradicted. And contradicting your ego is not the same as contradicting you.

My ego tells me I am a reasonable and kindly person. You ask me a question and I try to answer your question in a reasonable and kindly way. You perceive my answer as an attack and that contradicts my ego's version of me as a reasonable and kindly person. So I get upset.

Your ego sees you as a good communicator. I say something which doesn't support your ego's view. You feel attacked.

When you communicate with me I think what's really happening is our egos our communicating with each other, which is why there is so much resort to looking at the envelope rather than the message. The ego is continually getting in the way and saying "I deserve to be treated better than this".

The final piece of communication between you and me last night was that you thought I was wasting time on the BBs that could be better spent communicating with you. That piece of communication was useful it had content and not just form and it is something I can work with.

When you say I'm negative I'm not really sure what you mean, if you mean I don't waste much time shoring up your ego then yes I will admit to that. But your ego is your business not mine.

I think in terms of actual actions I have shown myself to be a very positive person:

1) You're so fed up you walk out. I control my emotions, do some research and work EXTREMELY hard (including examining my part in the whole fiasco) to get us back together.

2) You need downtime and relaxation, I appreciate that and I do my best to give it to you, I let you go off on dive weekends etc and stay at home with the kids and I don't moan about it or try and tit-for-tat you for it.

3) You are desperate to leave your old job in any way you can. I get behind your plans to move to another country, I organise the house to be smartened up and put on the market, I organise us a recce trip to the other country

4) My mum dies, it is a dark night of the soul and I find it difficult to stay engaged with the process of building our marriage. So positivity is difficult to maintain. We go into distance mode – orbiting round each other.

5) You are getting more and more pissed off and desperate at your old job. I support you 100% with the push to get out on your own. I encourage you, I give you ideas, I even get myself a job!

6) Our rows get worse. I get back on the BBs to try and seek some guidance as to a way to turn things round. (and vent a little bit)

7) The guidance I get includes doing some cage-rattling. Your cage is so rattled I get to the point I'm ready to call the police. I pick up the phone the next day and organise counselling

8) The counselling helps but we both agree that the C is crap so we sack him. We move to a format of meeting just anyway on a Monday afternoon (I think that was your idea - so well done). The Monday PM meetings drift. [/b] I take some action to get it back on track.[/b]


This is the type of post I have been doing on the BBs - so now I'm doing them to you.

I am going to post this on the BB as well as sending it to you.



Fran