Been hitting most of my goals, very well if I say so myself. Got something finished that has been on the fence for over a year and a half. Also got out and had some good out of town fun. Also, had a statement from W that would indicate she sees us together in the distant future. That totally blew me away. I had to maintain a stone faced poker face on that one. She didn't look to see a response on that one, but I wasn't going to risk it.
Off for another family trip this weekend. Lots of good vibes, but not quite where it needs to be yet.
This has been the most positive you have sounded in a long time, Phoenix. I hope it continues, getting progressively better with your W. Good for you on reaching your goals and finishing that project.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Just checking back in. The trip went well, some positive R stuff going on, however there seems to be erratic mood swings that kind of have me wondering. I might have to take some notes, see if I can make some sense out of this. Perhaps a C can help me put a better "handle" on this so that I can do something about it.
Been trying to be more assertive with what I want, but not coming across as controlling. I don't seem to find that happy ground in the past, especially since W didn't want to feel that she had lost control of her life. When things are unorganized or go wrong, is when she seems to get upset easily. Just voicing thoughts and ideas.
Positive R stuff and erratic mood swings - I interpret that as the push and pull of WAS emotions. That's a good thing, right? Remember - love and hate is better than indifference.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I guess I get tired of the "everything that is bad must be your fault, therefore if I get rid of you all my problems go away". She a little young to believe that, but that would be the best way to describe things. However, she seems to be growing away from that. Some interaction is as it should be, two way, light talk, positive/happy attitudes. Then there are other times when I walk in after work, after seeing her for 5-10 minutes in the morning and her attitude is as if I had done something wrong.
However I remember, post bomb, how nothing could even get a positive raise out of W. So at least I would say things are generally positive. What throws me is that all though I feel positive movement, the horizon seems so far off.
Remember there are a lot of the world that goes into making an attitude, good or bad. It isn't necessarily you. I fell into that trap way too often with H, thought it was me he was crabby at or about and turns out I was way off the mark.
Come on Phoenix...straighten up in that saddle...keep your eyes on the horizon.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks, I was very tired and stressed yesterday. Today is a little better. When I get stressed sometimes I don't hold the reigns too tight, kind of withdraw till the storm is over. Unfortunately, often this is when W is coming home from work. W works in a clean and highly organized surrounding, so this can often tick her off.
The tough part for me is how well she can treat the kids, but have little tolerance for me. All though this has gotten better, I am tired of being under the microscope. When I was younger, when things would get out of control, I would go off by myself and come back later. Because of responsibilities I can't do that any more. But I can sure see how you can become a WAH. I think maturity and responsibility have been a key factors for why it hasn't happened yet.
Reading through another post on this site, I wonder if there is some abuse in W's past. There seems to be some common threads. Not sure I want to delve into that one without a C.
I get the impression sometimes, Phoenix, that you are walking on eggshells, and whiteknuckling it through this tough time in your M. My only advice is to try and still be true to yourself and your particular personality (and do what you feel will relieve your stress without hurting anyone as best you can). We cannot go through life allowing our feelings and hopes and dreams become so subservient to another, that we lose ourselves. This is a lesson I am still learning.
I know, though, how hard it is when you so much want things to be the way it should in a good and healthy M. You end up making a lot of compromises ... for the sake of the children, or the sake of peace, or because it's expected of you as PH in the church, or out of sympathy or guilt, or whatever. I have been married for a long time, and have made so many compromises, that I'm not even sure what I truly want or believe anymore, and it's really hard to face myself and work on rectifying a lifetime of cowardly choices.
I gave a talk at church this last Sunday, and the subject was the Atonement. It went better than I hoped. I think the part I have below pertains to our struggles in our M's, and how we can have a different perspective. I am still learning, and the spiritual journey is part of it all. Near the end of my talk I said (and this really came from my heart):
"Every day we struggle to do the right thing, to make correct choices, make ends meet, be good examples, and basically do the best that we can. Sometimes, though, things don’t turn out the way we expected or hoped. But, in turning our minds and focus on the eternal aspect, we can see beyond the mundane activities of our lives. I challenge myself, and everyone to continue to seek out the Lord, to find the spiritual connection to our Saviour, and know that this life is just a small moment in eternity. We start our search (I believe) in the garden of Gethsemane."
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
That's really good. Sorry I didn't respond earlier, time constraints. What you said in the last paragraph was very powerful, hopefully it touched someone in the audience as well as it touches those of us here. Lately I have been patient, but still asking for (most of)what I want. W seems to be thawing out a bit more as time passes, not assertive, but not resistive either. I'll take this all as a positive. My take on this is that W is starting to see that what she had was not that bad, added to the positive changes that have occurred, it all works better than before.
I was able to handle a major undertaking that before would have required outside help. W also is getting better at accepting and overcoming problems, owning up to her share of it. Also, I think she is starting to see how supportive I really am.
Weather is great here, I'm going to go outside and "get er done".
