Sometimes it gets to the point that people WANT to move on. I don't know anyone who moved on to be miserable, in fact, most are happier not living in turmoil or living with all the "what if's". You certainly can't make your ex want to reconcile. If you don't want to move on, then don't. If you do, it is completely justified. We have one life to live, you know? But if being focused on your ex wanting you again is what you feel you need or want to do, then do it. But for most, it is an awfully big chance to take. Nobody wants to go through the same painful mess again, and I know two people who did - they got divorced twice from each other. So reconciling has to be done with full participation on both sides with putting the past behind them. If both parties can do this, and I mean REALLY have it in their heart to do it, there is a good chance for them. Otherwise they usually don't get to the point of remarrying.
I can GUARANTEE that you will eventually move on if things don't work out with your XW. You'll move on when you're ready.
"Moving on" doesn't mean going out and immediately diving into a new relationship. "Moving on" is about going out and getting a LIFE that does not revolve around whether or not your XW comes back. It means being open to the cards that life deals you. It means being able to say "If she comes back, fine; If someone else very special comes along, that's fine too".
There isn't a dang thing you can do to derail the "divorce machine/industry" - you're already divorced! You're NO LONGER MARRIED. Your stand is irrelevant to anyone but YOURSELF. Your XW doesn't care! You can, however, help to derail the "divorce industry/machine" by using what you've learned in your NEXT marriage. But right now, you're playing solitaire, and really affecting no one (other than a few people momentarily on this thread).
You can concoct numerous schemes, read every pop psychology relationship book and Zen philosophy book on the planet - but the bottom line is - if your XW is not participating, then you're playing games with yourself, by yourself, and for yourself.
Basically, you're saying you're going to fall on your sword and play martyr. At least for now. OK. It's your life.
But I think you're pulling everybody's leg a little bit. And I don't have to be psychic to GUARANTEE that ten years from now, you WILL have moved on.
I keep repeating one point over and over again, and I think that nobody is "getting it": "I am open to reconciling with my XW; I am also open to a new relationship with someone else, if someone very special comes along". So I have "moved on".
I'm not out running wild in the streets chasing women. Nor am I sitting alone at home obssessing over my XW and plotting how to win her back.
I'm just trying to live a nice life - day by day, and taking what it offers. A life that does not hinge on my XW's actions.
Blair it is obvious to me that you are holding on too tight to the past. There is no "Divorce Machine" and "the devil (does not) have a propaganda machine" for divorce. She was unhappy with the relationship and that is why it ended.
I wondered for a long time why my marriage failed. I tried everything to save the relationship. I turned to my church and it helped me to let go of the past, forgive, learn to love again, and renew my faith in God.
It is up to you if you want to spend the rest of your life pursuing a failed relationship. I suggest you let her go. If she does come back on her own then it was meant to be.
Quote: Well... I would venture to say then, that we are in the same boat except I am not open to a new marriage with another...
That's where I am to, but, I realistically don't see my STBX coming back. Or, ask me again in a minute, because I am also getting a lot of mixed signals. I should have my decree in the mail any day now. A lot like Fred's X, my W sporadically cleans the house, does my dishes, does my laundry, even the occasional intimate encounter with her too. She lies to the Ferret (OM) about what she is doing with me. Like a lot of people, I am definitely open to reconciling, but... I've went out with a couple ladys recently, and it didn't trip my trigger! Does this mean I should still try to DB? Or that I am just not ready for a relationship, I ask myself this all the time! I definitely haven't let go yet. Just curious, for those posting here, how many still spend a lot (too much?) time thinking about their X or STBX? I spend too much time, but it isn't the agonizing thoughts of months ago. I respect anyone's decision to continue to try after the D, which I am to a certain degree. But I also see the sense in not trying to beat down a brick wall with your head. I guess I don't know where I stand, or what the hell I am doing
I'm sure Emma just didn't know what she was starting here.....
I am going to state that I believe for the most part that everyone is right here:
* There is an industry for Divorce. Society has created a world where Divorce is too easy and the message is to "make yourself happy". This shows up in other areas of life as well. We are a throw-away society. There is a point where Society will overrule. I believe that my H will never come back. Not only is he getting enough encouragement out in the world, but a Society that does not hold people accountable is also to blame. People just want things to be okay. Never judge, for someone might look at what you yourself are doing. I can say that I don't agree with this philosophy and teach my children accountability and standards.
* The devil is happy that the world is not more focused on the rights and wrongs.
* I took a "Stand" for my marriage for as long as I could. I struggled with letting go of the idea of reconciliation and feel that I did all I could. There is alot of truth to the fact that once you truly let go it might be the only way to save your marriage.
Blair - I'm not totally sure of how you interact with your WAW, but I would suggest not preaching to her if you really want her back. Unfortunately, society has also taught us to not let people dictate to us. The more you preach, I would believe the more she will run and faster.
* I have nothing but the most respect for those of you "Standing" for your marriage until the end, but agree with Fred that you need to separate moving on to a new R and moving on to be a better you. I know that I have not been able to be the best parent I can be without letting go of my emotional attachment to my H. It simply was not healthy for me to walk on eggshells and let him control me by his antics. Moving on is releasing yourself from this mode and also forgiving them (as God would want) so that you can rid yourself of the burden of that resentment. Just typing it makes me believe the whole topic of moving on cannot be addressed in one post.
* I am "moving on" and while I believe in Standing, know it is the best thing for me and my family for me to let this D happen. I have struggled with just the things that have been said, does that make me any better? I say, Yes, I know that I would have done ANYTHING to save my M and my family, I just wasn't given the chance. The only signal I've been given for 2 years is that he wants out - who am I to change that?
I didn't mean to start such a debate. Frosty, I am "dark" so don't worry. Here's what Matthiew 5:32 says in my Bible: "However, I say to you that everyone divorcing his wife, except on account of fornication, makes her a subject for adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Each person can read for themselves and make their own decision. My opinions are not important because I didn't create humans and am not qualified to write an owners manual.
And I don't have to be psychic to GUARANTEE that ten years from now, you WILL have moved on.
