Journaling - My last 9 threads were "How do I go on from here?" This is not a question I need to ask anymore. I know how to go on from here - now it's time to make me do it.
I just celebrated my year anniversary yesterday of H leaving. Just like so many of you - I started my journey out of the hole by coming to this place. Now I see all the newbies and shake my head in sadness for them having to be here. I want to scream it out "You'll make it guys......this is not an impossible ride". And the ride is easier if we don't fight it so hard.
It's time for me to quit being in a stupor and accept this lot and do something with my life. I've allowed myself to vegetate in limbo land waiting.........waiting for what? Who cares anyway. I shouldn't be waiting........I need to just be doing because I have a life and it is valuable.
Last nite I took a friend to the emergency room where we waited for almost 3 hours. He is the Organist at the church I work in. In fact.....he was my teacher in College. He is 76. I looked at him in the bed - reduced to hospital gown with open back. He is one of the finest Organists in the whole country,with an amazing reputation in music circles - but who knew that there in the hospital. He was just my friend and a number to the hospital employees. And I said to myself - no matter what we do in our lives to be "something" - this is what it all comes down to one day.
And I was so glad that he could call me so I could take him to the emergency room.
and I realized that is where my life needs to be. Not wrapped up in worry over someone who is only wrapped up in himself and his needs. I am here if my husband needs me......but frankly? I've been here too much because I allow it to affect me when he's not here. It's not like he's going to come here with a huge new job and take care of me. I've been putting off that part of my survival since he left here.
God has moved in ways that I never dreamed possible. And I know He is nudging me in directions that I avoid. It is easier to sit and stare. But that doesn't take care of my everyday living or being what I need to be for others.
So today I am trying to just get a grip on me and live as God would wish me to. I want to be in His service to others. I don't know what that means - but I do know that it does not mean sitting in a stupor doing nothing all day long.
so happy LBS anniversary to me. I think I would like to consider myself a MOWCLBS from now on (Moving Onward Way Cool LBS) because that is what I am.
so there you have it
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
I love how you get right to the heart of things. No fluffing it up with you. The visual you gave of your friend lying in the hospital bed and that it all comes down to that is so true. I guess for me the biggest problem is what to do with my life. I want to move on and do something. I just have to figure out what.
"So today I am trying to just get a grip on me and live as God would wish me to. I want to be in His service to others. I don't know what that means - but I do know that it does not mean sitting in a stupor doing nothing all day long."
This is where I am also. I just have to listen to Him and figure out what, when, where . . .
You sound like you are in a good place. It's good to see you posting.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
I too find myself struggling with just what to do with myself. I have opened my eyes and mind to the fact that there are many more possibilities in front of me now that I am alone again. Actually, with S14 still at home, there are still some restrictions, but I have admitted to myself that the only thing holding me back now is me. Still, it's difficult to know what to do sometimes.
So you've got a year under your belt? It's been now just over 5 months since Anne left us. Just over two since the divorce. It seems like an eternity sometimes. My problem is that I liked my life. I liked my work, my home, loved my boys and loved my wife. Things were not perfect and they never are. But I was very happy with where our life had taken us. So I think of changes and moving forward and realize sometimes that the only thing I really feel is missing in my life is that person who used to share it with me. I do miss that.
My longing for Anne seems to lessen as the days go by, but I can still say that everytime the phone rings there is an anticipation that I feel inside. Unfortunately these days it is a nervous anticipation. I don't expect to hear from her, and if I did I would not expect it to be about something good.
I do still long for companionship. And I think it is this that I am struggling with now in terms of moving on with my life. Spending most of your adult life in marriage with another person means that we've become conditioned to having that lifetime companion. We've always done things as partners, not individuals, and it's a tough transition to make. I'm slowly beginning to believe that what I really need to do is learn how to be a single male parent living his life and being happy. I think I can do that, but I'm clearly not there yet.
Your post resonates with me though Brue because I too am feeling tired of this sense of waiting. That's part of why I title my threads "from standing to leaping," to encourage myself to NOT see my stand for my wife as something static, but more something that I hold in my heart. It's hard. I know that I will have love with a woman again one day, mostly because I feel right now that it is something I truly cherished about living. Not because I can't live without it, but because ......well, it's kind of like chocolate I guess. I know I'll have chocolate again in my life, not because I HAVE to have chocolate or I can't go on, but because I really LIKE chocolate, so I WANT to have it again.
I wish WANTING my to share my life with Anne again was enough to make it happen, but I know it's not.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Brue. I feel like we're in a similar place right now.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Absolutely! Happy Independence Anniversary to You, Brue! You are a wonder among women, and next time you are in NY I want to see you too! DBH (eek...can't spell today!)
Wow, I won't congratulate you for being here a year, cause well that sucks.
But I will congratulate you for your amazing insight. And I remember your first posts, and....wow I do believe you would be one of the people who does not regret this happening in their life.
You have become such a strong person, and I love your strenght and conviction of making something of yourself.
I am in awe and amazed at you.
Thanks for reminding me.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You are so strong. I am sure as you look back over the past year, you see so many changes within yourself. When you described your friend in the hospital, it took me back to early autumn of this past year, when I lost a very close family member who spent weeks in the hospital before the end. I remember feeling things akin to what you said in your post. In the end, this is what happens. It brought a lot into perspective for me. I know you have a wonderful life ahead of you, no matter what happens with your husband. Blessings!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: My problem is that I liked my life. I liked my work, my home, loved my boys and loved my wife. Things were not perfect and they never are. But I was very happy with where our life had taken us. So I think of changes and moving forward and realize sometimes that the only thing I really feel is missing in my life is that person who used to share it with me. I do miss that....I wish WANTING my to share my life with Anne again was enough to make it happen, but I know it's not.
Bill - I feel EXACTLY the same way and appear to be in pretty much the same place as you. I am afraid that I cannot stop my D from happening no matter how much DB'ing I do. I want to still fight in the more 'traditional' way - ask her to go to C'ing with me, tell her this is NOT a decision of long term happiness for anyone, etc. etc. but not sure if that will do anything either. Maybe finally get angry....I have yet to even do that...just afraid it will push her farther away, but again, she is pushing herself. I just cannot find a way to enjoy anything - even my girls at times. The loss just continues to overwhelm me.
Me - 38
W - 35
D6
D3
Bomb - 10-15-06
Separated - 10-31-06
Happy Anniversary to the new and improved Brue!!!!
Once we get past the one year mark, we seem to have our own awakening so to speak.
We become more confident and secure in who we are and begin to take steps outside of our comfort zone. Perhaps this is the acceptance stage.
Maybe this is the part when we realize that as much as we love our Spouses we are going to be OK, in fact we will be so much better then just OK.
I also believe that after the first year is over, we actually become more attractive to those around us, even our WAS's.
No longer needy or clingy, no desperation.
Especially the women who were left behind. We have learned so much about taking care of things and fixing things that we thought were a man's job.
Now the focus is on us. Not our WAS.
We can be who we were meant to be and in some ways we can actually thank our Spouses, because I never would have become who I am today had he not flipped out in MLCland.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
we have been going along this path together for most of the time, and it seems we are once again in the same place, affectionately known as "the stupor phase." Seems like you've really captured what is going on for several people, me included, as far as feeling like you are at a turning point.
I don't know if I'd worry too much about sitting and staring. I think sitting and staring serves a great purpose if there is something percolating underneath, and it sounds like for you something was percolating. Me too.
One of the insights that has comforted me is to recognize that choosing to go on more or less the way I have been (except without H) is a perfectly legit choice for now. I may want to go down a different path tomorrow, or next year. But I can actively choose not to make a whole lot of changes right now, if I want. This is very freeing, somehow, to me. Maybe some or all of us feel too much pressure to make massive life changes just because we are free of our WASs. Maybe small, incremental change is healthier, and will lead to more successful and bigger change in the long run. Just a thought.
I'm glad you've posted again. You've got me thinking and I think I'll go muddy up my own thread instead! Come visit, I'm having a shi**y day (Now there's an attractive invitation if ever I heard one).
