many people would probably consider me a fool to say these things but really i am tired of waiting.... a year ago I discover h's ea (of course he foolishly thought they were just friends ya whatever) 3 months later h moves out....along comes the d train... love you not in love with you bla bla bla....fell in love with her was ready to marry her after she left her h... suddenly 6+ months later h wants to "try".... so I accept....well now for almost 2 months h has been spending time here with me actually 5 nights a week yet still brings a bag leaving nothing here, even though he brings it all back to do his laundry. he stays at his appt usually every sun night and wed night.
h does not know when he will actually move home.... cannot even tell me that in 4 months he will be living here.
honestly a year now I have put up with this crap... six months out and i still am open to a home comming.... two months of "trying" and I am growing tired of the whole thing.... really how long should it take for this man to decide if he wants to be my h or not.... what the hell is he waiting for some pitter patter to go off in his heart???? it's already going off in his pants.
I cannot live this way for much longer and am not afraid to tell h. so yell at me if you wish... today I asked h if he would start to leave some of his stuff here instead of bringing a bag as the bag thing annoys me shows me that he is not comming home.... he agread to leave some stuff but honestly i shouldn't have to ask him to....
I don't know how much time h really thinks he has but I have let him know that with each passing week his time grows shorter and shorter I will not live this way... he should be able to make a descision... so the bitch that i am... I have let him know that I will not tollerate this much longer... til he makes up his mind... he will not sleep in my bed with me and don't even think of touching me until you make up your mind. it really should not be all that difficult. a better woman would have given up on him 6 months ago.... I am not afraid to be without him... he is afraid to be without me.. but I am truly sorry you cannot be a part time h.. be here or don't be here... stop dragging my heart around or there will be nothing left in it for you when and if you do decide you want to be here.
I have a number for a lawyer H knows this has seen the card that i purposefully left on the fridge. I don't have much left in me to wait around for this man to decide if he wants to be my h or not.
LL-I understand your anger at his procrastination. I feel the same way but I am not ready to give an untimatum. Instead I would rather let himsee me going on and doing other things and let that be his ultimatum. Everybody has their limits on what they can take and no one should fault you for saying "enough already". The way they keep us hanging is cruel in my eyes. They only think of themselves and their own feelings. I too am weary of it all. I'm not goinh to wait forever for him to decide if he loves me enough to be my H again in every way. That is not love. Love is commitment and honor and integrity. I want it all and it sounds like you do too. This is the second time in a yr my H has moved out taking my heart both times. I still have my weak days where I want to call him and see him becasue he willusually say yes,but where does that get us. IT's not HIM wanting ME. When he starts calling me then I will know he is starting to turn towards me. I just hope I can be strong enough to hold out. It sounds like your H still cares very much for you and is uncertain about his decison. Maybe he needs a wakup call. IF you are ready for the consequenses then I don't see anything wrong with letting him know where you stand. Good luck! Rachael
I don't think it's wrong to show him where things stand w you right now. Maybe follow that up w being unavailable to see him more often so he knows you mean business?? Geez, I'm getting impatient w 2.5 months of "I enjoy your company, we'll see where things go", I can imagine what I'd be like if H had actually told me he wanted to try to fix things!
I am not always available... at least one night a week that he does come over I go out... only thing is I still come home to him while on the nights he chooses not to be with me he goes to his appartment and i am left alone...
h needs to [censored] or get off the pot and I think it's about time i give him a kick.
not being impulsive dotto, h was half a bf, then half a h, then left then decides to come back half way, wtf... I don't deserve this crap.. I deserve a man who knows what he wants.... the longer h waits the less I feel like waiting for him. I don't need him... he is not my support.. not my buddy... barely my friend... that has been his choice all along... I do not need him he does not need me... so what are we doing here.... just the same old dance again and again.... h probably should not have gotten married at all and I should not have married him.
I have spent the better part of my life waiting for him to not be to busy or involved with other things to share himself with me and when he finaly had the time he chose to give himself to someone else.... I cannot wait any longer I feel less and less for h with each passing day... I deserve to be loved, cherished, adored and all I am is the mother of his children and a nice peice of ass... yes he does listen to me and offers support but tells me little of his feelings I am tired of living this way.. I want someone who wants to share themselves with me and he seems to just want to share space with me...and then only on some nights.
h once again chooses to spend sunday his only day off with his buddy watching football and not with his family.... I should not have gotten married and though i love my children dearly I should not have had them... this is not a family.... I don't want to be here anymore... I wish I were the man then I could walk away and leave him here. LL
LL, I don't know what to say, so I wom't say much. I feel for your pain and anger. I wish I had half of what you have right now,so for me to understand, I can't. I have not been at this for as long as you have, I have not been hurt like you have, so I will not judge you for your feelings)lord knows I have done that enough in my life)I wish peace and closure for you, whatever that may be to make you happy and alive again. Sue Peace
fuuny thing sue is what you don't realize is that you right now have more than I do and did. so my h is trying to come home... while he was gone... he did not want to spend time with me... go out to dinner... I still do not know where his appartment is nevermind go out shopping for lamps for it... your h is still your friend... my h never was my friend and still isn't. what I have is what looks possitive to others simply because I've got a man who now stays here 5 nights a week. I don't have a h I have a man who isn't yet sure what he wants his life to be. I no longer know if I want to get to know this man... I've been waiting to long already. LL
Nice to see you and get your pespectives on M and R last night.
I can't say that I understand your feelings of frustration, since this is indeed hard for anyone in your shoes. I am glad that you shared that with us on this BB than directly hit your H. I hope you have felt tiny little bit better than this morning.
I do want to point out two things from a male perspective: First, something actually worked in the past year or so since things were bad. The most recent example, in my mind, is that he would honor your request to leave some clothes at your house. Asking what you want is a step in DR, isn't it? Don't forget this technique.
The reason I wanted to say that is that it struck me that your H is actually a sensitive man, even though his actions do not necessary meet your needs and wants of being loved. Remember last Sunday, he did not want to come to your house because he wanted to be a noble person, not just coming home for intimacy? He actually cares about your feelings; otherwise he would just had a good time and leave you and your family behind.
But according to your description right now, it seems to me that it is a communication problem between you two, not entirely commitment issue. Take his clothes for example, when he was thrown out of the door, who packed his stuff and let him go? He may still feel a strong emotion regarding his stuff so he also wanted to be cautious before he brings them back. I think it already goes beyond his comfort zone to do his laundry at your house already. Without your request, he may never be able to take that step to bring his stuff back by himself.
Another example is his Sunday night out. I don't think that is a battle you will ever win, so I would say whether you want to pick this one as your battle? It could take a very candid conversation between you two about his Sunday night out. You two may have to compromise with some sort of arrangement, like he hangs out with his buddies every other week or you do some party thing at your house. That is an unfortunate reality that we always have to compromise, no matter who you have an R.
Finally, I can only say it is your choice what to do with the feelings like the disconnection between you two that he failed to take care but became invovled in another woman. It is a difficult sitch since I see you in love with your H but those damange he did was deep and hard to ignore. The only thing I could say is that you need to find peace within yourself. Otherwise, even though he were to come back and completely commit to you tonight, you would still have those ill feelings towards him. That would be a step of forgiveness. Talking about this issue with your H would help if you still want to take him back. I see that the timing of this conversation may be approaching as he works his way back; you may want to gradually find an opportunity to talk about this subject.
Eventually, it is your call how to settle those feelings of yours. You can work with him, or you can close yourself out and walk away.
Jen, I hope I am not invalidating your feelings today, since I realized by now that I have been pretty good at it with my W. Truly, keep sharing with us those frustration but don't act on it yet. You are a strong woman knowing what you want, so choose your course of actions wisely to meet your goals.
Quote: Take his clothes for example, when he was thrown out of the door, who packed his stuff and let him go?
chuck it was many months before he actually left that I "paked" his stuff and told him to leave... when he decided to leave I told him it would not help us and would ultimately be an end to us... he took his stuff on his own that time... and little by little took more and more as time went on... hell just a week before he decided to try he took all of his pats baseball hats with him to his appartment... so though in anger I did "pack" all his stuff in trash bags telling him to leave.... when he did leave it was he who packed and went... did I want him to leave??? not really but I was tired of living with someone who didn't show me that they wanted to be with me.
the sunday night thing.... honestly chuck I wouldn't have much of a problem with it if he actually came home after, but because he doesn't and chooses to stay at his appartment on those nights it is annoying to me... when i go out regardless of where or what time till, I come home!!
You are right I should realize that he did say he would start leaving some stuff here but the point still remains that he should want to leave stuff here... should want to come home from work when he's done not go back to his appartment to hang out and take a shower and then get here at 7.
I grow tired of reading this board and seeing how many men there are out there that would do anything for their wives and children while I sit here holding out for a man who does what he wants for himself.
