Linda, I have no control over if and how he comforts her. I can only hope that he does not use "sleeping with her" as a comfort tool. But I made it clear that if EA goes back to PA, he is out. He knows it. And I doubt he will want another pregnancy. So I will just have to be his rock for now so he can be strong.
For some reason these MLC men can be so smart in all other aspects yet when it comes to b/c they just become complete idiots. I just came out and told him last month that "DO NOT EVER TRUST A WOMAN ON BIRTH CONTROL. YOU HAVE TO DO IT YOURSELF". He laughed it off. (It was too late anyway, but). I think you need to have that ONE talk. Emphasize it with a written note if needed, at the same time of the talk. But my advice is just do it ONLY ONCE, but VERY SERIOUSLY. After that, it's up to him whether to take it or not. You cannot say it again because he will be resentful. I know there should not be talk about R with OW much, but this is an important issue regarding his health and possbily a life. He should be made aware. good luck.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Well H is back with me....10 months now and counting...OW has been out of the picture for 2 years....so if she did get pg she didn't tell H....either had an abortion or had the child....but then she would have no way of contacting him now as his address has changed with no forwarding, his phones have all been cut off and his email was closed down due to change in job....pretty much leaves her in the dark but then last he heard from her she had another man....evidently "love" comes and goes quickly for her!
Linda, I am happy for you. After 10 months, do you feel like you can trust him now? Or are you two still working on the trust issue.
I feel so down today. Friday night we had a long talk and at one point he express "he loves me a lot more than he does for her...there is a specialness that is not just our 20 years or the kids". I took that as a good sign. Of course, there's still all this guilt about letting her go through with the abortion, etc. and he still loves her...
But yesterday, the topic of Valentine's Day came up. He wanted to know if I have anything planned. I said nothing solid yet. (I was planning to have a candle night dinner on the 13th, to be safe, at home but I am not telling him). He eventually said he wanted to just stay in the office on the 14th because if he goes out with either person, the other party will be depressed. I did not say anything. I can see his "reasoning". At the same time, I have this sickening feeling. With all his love of declaration for me, I still only have the same emotional weight as OW. I mean, excuse me, I am YOUR WIFE!!!! I am overwhelmed with the feeling that may be this is not worth fighting for anymore.
I know may be this is just one of the up and down emotional waves that I am feeling. But I feel really down today, thinking about lots of negative things and conviencing myself that it's not worth it.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Ourcrisis, I'm sorry. Valentine's day's going to be rough for all of us I think. But it's really just a day, try not to let it get you down or put too much significance on it. Maybe you can even take your kids out to a movie or something, just try and ignore it as much as possible.
Oh and on the abortion thing - it is possible given what you've said here, but yeah it's also very possible the OW was lying. Either way I don't think it matters since you can't know for sure or convince your H of anything, though. I do agree she should be relying on other people for support, but not sure there's any way you could convey it that would be effective.
As far as the "facts" go though - yes, she could have scheduled one that quickly depending on her doc or what clinics are available in your area. The antibiotics check out also. I did a quick search for you, and here's the "after care" instructions: http://www.meadowbrookclinic.com/followup.htm
Again not that it matters much, but wanted to share that info. Hope things improve for you soon, that's a tough situation!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Well, if he can't spend Valentine's Day with you make sure you do something very special for yourself. Make some plans at a spa or buy some special lingere and tell him if he's not at the house at a certain hour he's going to miss out on a great time. (You could even drop off a box at his work with some panties in them and an invitation!!!)
Another idea, make a date to go out with some single girlfriends and have a great time... and look fabulous!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Trust is going much better then I expected....I get panicky more about the concern that he might go out and drink alcohol then he might go find another woman...
He is at a point now where I can ask questions about OW and he will answer them for me....he just says he doesn't want to cause me anymore pain but he wants to answer any questions that I need answered in order to fully move on from all of this...
and yes...up and down days is pretty much the norm....until we find the security in our relationship again I think that is normal...
I think it would be nice for you to do something special for H at home....and you know what???....if you do it at home your not "going out" so no need for him to feel like he is celebrating with you and not her....just tell him you would like him to come home....that you don't want to go out...just have him home....if he wants to....
I like the idea about candle light dinner on the 13th...lol, that way he can again feel okay because he didn't spend the actual V-day celebrating with you....
I plan special things for H and I when I can....I think it is important....just like when you were courting/dating....
This next weekend I have us booked at a very expensive hotel...I do mystery shopping so I will get reimbursed for my expenses and we will have a great time on those Egyptian cotton sheets!!!!...also the Turkish towels and robes....oh and lets not forget the room service....and just for a finishing touch I am going to get him breakfast in bed the next morning!!!
I will be doing this the rest of our life together....he will never wonder if I really love him or not again....at least he better not!!!
I hope things continue going well for you....it will take time for H's feelings to go away for OW...I know it took my H a lot of time....but now he can say he has no love for her...he doesn't hate her but realizes that it wasn't what he thought it was after all....
Trust is going much better then I expected....I get panicky more about the concern that he might go out and drink alcohol then he might go find another woman...
He is at a point now where I can ask questions about OW and he will answer them for me....he just says he doesn't want to cause me anymore pain but he wants to answer any questions that I need answered in order to fully move on from all of this...
and yes...up and down days is pretty much the norm....until we find the security in our relationship again I think that is normal...
I think it would be nice for you to do something special for H at home....and you know what???....if you do it at home your not "going out" so no need for him to feel like he is celebrating with you and not her....just tell him you would like him to come home....that you don't want to go out...just have him home....if he wants to....
I like the idea about candle light dinner on the 13th...lol, that way he can again feel okay because he didn't spend the actual V-day celebrating with you....
I plan special things for H and I when I can....I think it is important....just like when you were courting/dating....
This next weekend I have us booked at a very expensive hotel...I do mystery shopping so I will get reimbursed for my expenses and we will have a great time on those Egyptian cotton sheets!!!!...also the Turkish towels and robes....oh and lets not forget the room service....and just for a finishing touch I am going to get him breakfast in bed the next morning!!!
I will be doing this the rest of our life together....he will never wonder if I really love him or not again....at least he better not!!!
I hope things continue going well for you....it will take time for H's feelings to go away for OW...I know it took my H a lot of time....but now he can say he has no love for her...he doesn't hate her but realizes that it wasn't what he thought it was after all....
Trust is going much better then I expected....I get panicky more about the concern that he might go out and drink alcohol then he might go find another woman...
He is at a point now where I can ask questions about OW and he will answer them for me....he just says he doesn't want to cause me anymore pain but he wants to answer any questions that I need answered in order to fully move on from all of this...
and yes...up and down days is pretty much the norm....until we find the security in our relationship again I think that is normal...
I think it would be nice for you to do something special for H at home....and you know what???....if you do it at home your not "going out" so no need for him to feel like he is celebrating with you and not her....just tell him you would like him to come home....that you don't want to go out...just have him home....if he wants to....
I like the idea about candle light dinner on the 13th...lol, that way he can again feel okay because he didn't spend the actual V-day celebrating with you....
I plan special things for H and I when I can....I think it is important....just like when you were courting/dating....
This next weekend I have us booked at a very expensive hotel...I do mystery shopping so I will get reimbursed for my expenses and we will have a great time on those Egyptian cotton sheets!!!!...also the Turkish towels and robes....oh and lets not forget the room service....and just for a finishing touch I am going to get him breakfast in bed the next morning!!!
I will be doing this the rest of our life together....he will never wonder if I really love him or not again....at least he better not!!!
I hope things continue going well for you....it will take time for H's feelings to go away for OW...I know it took my H a lot of time....but now he can say he has no love for her...he doesn't hate her but realizes that it wasn't what he thought it was after all....
I feel better today. I am back to my more logical self. Thank you all for your support. I think I will just make myself happy on Wed night, may be rent a funny movie, or something.
Hi, Lin,
"it will take time for H's feelings to go away for OW...I know it took my H a lot of time" Thanks this really helps me to put perspective inline. I think h now is really working on coming back but his feelings/guilt are really in the way and I know he may switch to OW at anytime. The feelings for her is still there.
For the others who will be w/o a spouse this Valentine's Day, my hugs and kisses to you all. Those who have their spouses back, enjoy your day.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
I had a pretty good night on VDay. H stayed at work till almost midnight. I trusted him that he really stayed at work (due to what happend on Thur by OW, see below). I called up a friend whose's husband was out of town and she came over for some wine and cheese and we just chatted and watched movie. He called me to pick him up from work and I could tell he was "concerned" that I was "talking to a friend". He seemed quite relieved when I told him later that I was having this girlfriend over. Thursday night he worked late again (huge problem at work, everyone's working late). He came home and was ready for bed. Then OW's sister called. He immediately had to leave. I obviously was upset. He did stayed for another 5 minutes to say sorry many many times and what a bad person he is, etc. But at last, he said, "you know, with every minute (trails off)" Then he left. With his mumblings before he left, I thought he might spend the night there but he also said he would not sleep with her. He was not speaking sensibly before he left. I am suspecting that there was some level of suicide (talk, attempt or real) involved. With that, I really did not expect him to come home that night. But he showed up at 2:30. I was quite (pleasantly) surprised. But we didn't talk and went to bed. He still have not told me what happened. I know he was still very guilty about the abortion. So I am bracing myself for him going to see OW. So far not much, though. As you can see, I am looking at the good side. I have to "act as if" he is coming back to treat him nice and deal with the occasional "outings". At the same time, I am definitely working on my own life, getting reacquainted with friends, work on my career, etc in case the worst happen. Friday he was gonna go have coffee with her but he didn't. We went out to a short dinner and then he was too tired to go out. Seeing this as a good sign but sensibly guessing he will go out this weekend sometime....
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
