During our conversation, I openned up for real, for the first time, about my trials and tribulations with our daughter. She asks, every single day since March 1st, about Mom: "where's my mom? I want Mom. We're going swimming! With Mom?!" Many times not done in an emotional way, but it wears me down...I can not give my daughter what she craves. I can not help her, I try to console, love, treat with compassion...and it works, to a degree. But I feel like I am not responsible but I am the one left to "deal with it" as my wife has told me several times. She was surprised...had no clue. So I told her about a friend of ours (I have kept in contact...my wife has not). Her parents have been divorced for 13 years...she is now 31, and she says the pain still lingers. She is a happy, well balanced person, but deep down inside, a part of her still wishes for an impossible reconciliation (being an adult, she realizes this will not happen!). My wife then told me about a friend of her's. Divorced 4 years and her children STILL ask about Dad, want to be with him, miss him. So all of a sudden, my wife becomes VERY worried. Is this what is happening to our daughter? YES.
Now she wants to do something about it, but has NO CLUE where to begin...and naturally, I hesitate in saying that it would start with her openning up to a possible reconciliation . I'm pretty sure she knows how I think!
We are supposed to get together to talk more about it. But we have both realized that our C was NOT helping. The C helps ME agreat deal...but as far as couple therapy is concerned...well...that's another story. Problem is, the C is payed for by my health plan, but I only have access to the Cs on a list...so our choices are limited.
Where do I go from here? NO clue...lets see where my wife is going first.
Progress? Funny, I dont see it. We are still stuck in "I am not in love with you and never will be again" mode. I dont think any of her suggestions about situation with d will lean towards a reconciliation (for the moment). So where do yu see the progress...Am I so blind still? Have I learned so little?
progress??? open dialouge...expressing feelings and concerns without acusations...no finger pointing....veiwing how this is and WILL effect your daughter...your wife is showing concern over the sit and admitting that she still "cares" for you....this is progress steph...this is progress!!! hell steph even if she decides to reconcile based on how a d will ultimately effect your dd...it is still a good thing...
the familiarity bit....yeah... I heard that one too...supposedly he only missed me (ok so I didn't always follow db guide lines but hell who does?) he said sometimes but that's only becuase we've been together for so long...and steph you have a slightly better sit in that there is no om while my h had an ow.
there is progress...maybe it's not up in flashing lights...but it's there!!!
Steph - I don't think that it is a case of being blind at all or not learning. Sometimes it takes a third party to see "the forest through the trees" because we are just too darn close to our situations. LL is right - there are positives out there.
We are all in tough spots - but we are trying our best and allowing our spouses to find their own way. We can't push them - shouldn't push them. Just continue to be the great father you are for your D and a good friend to your W.
Reconciliation is not a word in her vocabulary right now...and I guess until I hear it, I wont truely believe in these small steps.
In fact, when I told her that I knew she still loved me, because of the care and worry she was showing, she quickly replied that it only showed that we were friends, nothing more. I told her that was pretty good considering....
Would the outcome of such a dialog been possible even a couple of months ago?
The changes that were made have now effected newer changes such as with this conversation. These new changes will have an impact on what she thought was so certain. Where she was so certain she was doing the right thing, now there is some doubt. So she will coast for a while until she reassess her beliefs and her goals, but there has been a shift in the momentum and that is progress.
Quote: Reconciliation is not a word in her vocabulary right now...
This is one of those glass half full or empty statements. True "right now", but what about in the future? This is what you are aiming for. Whether you believe in the small steps is up to you to best manage your PMA, but at the very least recognize that they are there ... that way you will also know that you are not standing still or stuck.
but steph it what you say is true then it would seem, immedietely after a step she backs off but then does come back around with the next steps being a bigger one??
if that is the pattern then worry not if she backs away for a bit...don't think of it negatively think of it as her taking the time to absorb what has been discussed and thinking about it.
Steph, I see tiny big steps here.Keep working on yourself, the changes that for whatever reason, your w still wants to be around you. Give her some time to think about what was discussed.It looks positive from where I'm standing. Sue
. I'm pretty sure she knows how I think! 
I dont think any of her suggestions about situation with d will lean towards a reconciliation (for the moment). So where do yu see the progress...Am I so blind still? Have I learned so little?