Well first of all, I think you need to focus on forgiving yourself for the A. Yes it was a stupid mistake, but you realise that and want to make amends. If you can't forgive yourself and accept yourself, then how can you ever expect your H to do the same?
I agree. Sometimes I feel like I have to let it go, but then it comes back to haunt me. To tell you the truth, I am not sure if my H can forgive me. That is the part that is eating at me.
Originally Posted By: Ophelia
I don't suppose the house has any spare bedrooms that you (and possibly your D) could move into? I know in your first post you said that all 3 of you sleep in the one king size bed, so it may very well be that there isn't anywhere else in the house you could sleep. If there is though, then perhaps you could arrange to have separate rooms, so that you could both still be under the same roof with your D, but you could still each have your own space as well.
There is a spare room, but his brother and SIL comes back and uses in during the weekends and one day out of the week. I rarely see him anyways because of my work schedule.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.
As for your impending doom. I recall when my H handed me the divorce papers. It felt like the end of the world, but then I recall Love is a decision. From that point on, I decided I was going to Love him no matter what our R was. It motivated me to continue DBing because if he ever changes his mind, I would be in a better position to receive him.
H called today and ask about DD. He could tell I was sleeping and ended the call telling me to go back to bed.
When we first got married, H was determined to make our house a home. This included working on the garden. Since we moved out, weeds have taken over and nothing has been watered or kept up. Since H is away, I decided surprise him by working on the garden. Proud to say I was able to clear out a good portion of it today. By Friday I should be able to put in a few plants.
4ever Found your thread...I'm no expert at this but I would urge you to continue as you are doing. You are in the same house right now and that is good. I don't really know what else to say. Do try and forgive yourself though. I think I forgive H for what he is doing. I keep reminding myself that S don't leave happy marriages so that makes the other S partly responsible for the breakdown too. I recognise where I went wrong. I hope that your H will change his mind...but remember being his friend is leaving it open for him to fall in love with you again (I think).
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Found your thread friend! I just finished going over your sitch and I have to say you have a lot of work ahead of you but it's definitely doable. My question is, if you signed the divorce papers? Unless I missed that part, it could be that he is at this moment weighing things. Playing different scenarios in his head as to how it would be 1,2 or 3 years down the road for him (maybe even you), should he choose to give your M a chance and vice versa. I know I am and you know my sitch.
Good job on the garden though. The positives, you still live together, is agreeable to being friends and doesn't mind your interactions with his family. My own opinion (guy's POV this time:)) is that if those positives are still in place, then he must still want you. I mean granted you are the mother of our daughter, if I was so hurt that I felt it was time to end the hurt by D'ing, I wouldn't even agree to those terms. I certainly wouldn't want to be reminded everytime I see you right? But no, this is exactly the opposite.
Divorce since I don't believe in it is just another piece of paper and doesn't necessarily reflect the current state of the relationship (except in some cases where abuse and/or addiction, etc. are involved) itself at least to both of you. You two are the only ones that can say where you two stand. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you may be divorced and still be together who knows! It could also be that he needs this for closure so he can start a new one with YOU!
As mentioned in Michelle's book, if and when you get your M back, would you want your old M back. Isn't the old M the one that got you in this predicament in the first place. People get divorced and remarry. Or who knows this can all change before the divorce is final. Bottomline is GAL, 180, DB to make yourself feel good and attractive. I don't think I need to elaborate as to who you probably want to look attractive to right.;)
Show remorse but let go of the past. I think in my case and this may be what your H is looking for as well, I need to hear and feel the remorse. It doesn't matter how many times. Once could very well be enough but I have to be convinced to be able to let go. Just my .02 cents. Hang in there!
Even though H as filed you have several months in which anything can happen. Don't know which state you are but since there is a child involved, the D is not going to be quick so you have time on your side still. Just incase my sitch gets that far I have done a lot of researching and rather than using lawyers you could request mediation (it's a lot cheaper too). Basically makes the spouses communicate and come to an agreement with someone mediating so no arguments etc. I have heard stories of these mediations actually making people realize that they DON'T want a D after all, once they were forced to communicate about serious issues in a neutral environment. I hope your sitch never gets that far but my point is that you still have time and H may even stop the proceedings. But you have to be consistent and not "lose it" and set yourself back months. Have you read How to Divorce as Friends? It's a website with some good articles, not necessarily about D'ing but about potentially saving your M:
If H no longer wanted you in his life then he wouldn't live in the same house - even with different shifts. Especially since you were already living with your parents. So I think you have that as a big positive. My H left the home and yet we still have many positive interactions so I am not giving up yet. The fact that H made a list of conditions says to me that he is not over you. Why bother with any of that if he doesn't care? My guess is that he is hurting so much that laying down the rules gives him some "power" back (after feeling so helpless when finding out about the A). Keep a PMA and be attentive to him. It's hard for people not to be nice in return of good gestures. But don't expect big changes. Look for the baby steps. If no steps then be happy if there have been no setbacks.
Don't give up.
Me 36 ring on H 41 ring off S2 Together since 1992 Married: 2000 Bomb Aug 06 H moved out Oct 06 (and straight in with OW)
Geordie, I especially love the link to divorcing as friends.
As for the divorce process, I reside in California. He provided me with a copy of what he filed. I don't think even if the divorce proceedsing progress, we would need to have a mediator. We agreed to joint custody of our daughter and all other financial matters. From what I am aware, six months from the date the papers are filed, whether I respond or not, we will officially be divorced. Since I am not opposed to any of the conditions, we won't even have to go to court.
LD,
There was a time when I would not be too much value on that little piece of paper. But because I know how much it means to my H, for him to file and proceed with it, reminds me he does not want me in his life.
But as geordie says I should look to the positives. Thanks again for the reminder. Yes, baby steps.
I got myself on a bike today. I have always wanted to learn, but the few times I tried I was too afraid of falling to focus on learning. Guess who was teaching me? My Hs two little nieces. One is 10 years old and the other is 6. I was able to stay on the bike for a couple of minutes with the help of a slight downward slope on the driveway. I even learned how to back pedal to break. With more practice I hope to be comfortable enough to be roam the streets and sidewalks of the neighborhood.
To continue my dedication to fixing up the garden, I went to home depot to pick up a plant. Hs nieces helped me pick out a beautiful azalea. If the weather permits, it will be planted tomorrow.
I figured out I am usually depressed when driving to work because my thoughts play out like a well rehearsed monologue of conviction for my past actions. So to stop the vicious cycle which usually puts me in a slump, I followed Micheles advice to do something different. I reiterated to myself the little accomplishments I have had today. And it worked! Provoking one little intrusive, conscious thought derailed the train of accusation I usually had for myself.
