In honor of our tenth wedding anniversary, H took me along on his 2-day work trip. I must admit, before we left (he didn’t say where we were going), I entertained all kinds of romantic possibilities…but I managed to keep my expectations centered on reality, and we enjoyed some quiet, alone time, sharing his life on the road. It’s always interesting to me to tag along when he’s working and get a glimpse of life from his perspective.
A couple of very important things happened on the trip. First, I became aware that OW1 is still in contact with H regarding personal things (they work for the same company, but in different states). My gut is telling me that though he says it is over with her, and I had thought it had been for quite some time, she is still into him. I don’t know what his interactions are with her, but I think this answers part of the “why isn’t he moving home” question. I read on another site once, about the grieving period the betrayer experiences at the loss of the OP…that it lasts at least several months, and that if/when any contact is made that period resets to minute one. Regardless, he has not been up front about any of this. I just kind of stumbled on to the information. Not snooping, it just fell into my lap.
The second important thing was how I reacted to being thrown back to square one myself. When it first hit me, I just wanted to pass out, but I kept my cool, and calmly discussed it with him. He answered my questions rather vaguely (I wish my mind were 10 x faster—I have to really digest and process things before obvious conclusions are reached…sometimes it takes a few hours, sometimes it takes a day or two). I tried to keep them to a minimum. Here’s why: whether he did it a year ago or six months ago or yesterday, it is simply what it is. The situation and my responsibility in it is not changed one bit by that information.
So though the feelings of hurt and devastation and panic were nearby, threatening to destroy our time together, I actually felt peaceful and happy. I felt calm and almost completely in control of my emotions. When my mind started to wander, I quickly turned it back to the positives:
Fact: He has not been to her city in six months. Fact: He HAS made his decision. The adversary is not going to simply stand by and let him walk scott-free back into a virtuous life—he’s going to try to tempt him and distract him and blur the issues. So if he backslides, it doesn’t change the fact that he wants our family. Fact: He is physically affectionate with me again for the first time in a few years. Fact: He invited me along on his trip. Fact: He calls home to check in and is a little more open (most of the time) and seems to enjoy being around us. Fact: He frequently talks about future plans involving me and our family.
I know that he’s watching more for my negative responses than my positive ones. And I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was obsessing when I asked one final question about the sitch with OW1 (about 18 hours after the revelation). When he said, “you’re just jealous”, I said, “it’s not that I’m jealous. I realize that this (situation) is what it is. I accept that. I just want you to know that I strongly prefer to have you be up-front and honest about it than not.”
you did well, aud. good for you. i'd have probably lost my complete sh!t and ruined the time, but you processed it well. \o/\o/\o/ Three cheers for YOU!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: [hen he said, “you’re just jealous”, I said, “it’s not that I’m jealous. I realize that this (situation) is what it is. I accept that. I just want you to know that I strongly prefer to have you be up-front and honest about it than not.”
Great answer!!!! And good for you making sure the trip went well. I always think, no matter what the future holds. If my husband does decide to leave again in the future I'm going to make sure he takes good memories of me and our marriage with him!
In my own marriage I've found it reassuring that OW is in a different state. If you can get a good friendship and physical relationship going with your husband then I think OW can only fade into the background. I think with distance that physical aspect can be key (especially to men).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Quote: i'd have probably lost my complete sh!t and ruined the time
Believe me, I teetered on the verge of losing it...a few times. But the most valuable thing I think I'm taking from this entire experience is that it is my choice to take my eyes off the center line (thanks for that one BI). I'm not going to throw away any hard-fought ground at this point in the game.
Thanks ROOT--I agree with your comment about making good memories. I want to eliminate any behavior that might be used by him to justify leaving. If he does, it will all have to be HIS deal. I refuse to make it easy for him. I don't think he will chose to leave. I do worry a little about him thinking he can get away with living two lives.
I too find it reassuring that OW is in another state. And the good time we spent together is definitely a positive thing.
H has mentioned several times since the bomb that he needs to return to her city for work. I know he can't put it off much longer, but it is encouraging to me that he has for this long--I have tried so hard to keep my insecurities about that to myself.
The new information on his R with OW makes me feel more anxious about this...especially since he most likely will have to go soon. The only thing I can do is keep myself under control and watch to see how everything plays out.
Ugh. Discoveries keep falling on my head these last few days. I know for certain that H is hiding many things from me, and I feel like I've been thrown back to square one. After so much time and effort!
The good thing is that I am able to look at all of this from a fairly detached point of view and ask myself, does what I know/want to say impact my sitch positively or negatively?
I feel good inside despite the disappointments of this week. I do prefer the truth to fantasy.
The question dogging me tonight is this:
If the current goal is to have H choose our family and move back in, HOW do I positively assert my feeling that I do not want him back until he is ready to be COMPLETELY open and honest with me? I want him to share feelings, complete truths, passwords...NO SECRETS.
If the ball is fully in his court, how do I set conditions on his return? I realize I may be putting the cart before the horse...but I think it's time to decide what my deal-breakers are, and be laying the groundwork.
I'm fighting the fear this morning. Though I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life, the hurtful thoughts keep breaking through...I am awesome--why am I not good enough for him? why does he feel the need to continue a relationship with her? what does she offer him that I don't? why can't he be open and honest? why does he think it's okay to hide from me? what thought processes in his head are allowing him to be so destructive? why doesn't he want to figure it out and fix it? am I enabling him? will he do this to himself and me and our family forever?
AAAUUGH! I'm going to go get busy, and get myself under control now. His actions are not about me. They're about him. I choose to not let them bring me down. Too bad the choice doesn't make follow through easier.
aud, i'm working all weekend with no time for thoughtful replies, but wanted you to have support and know that you are thought of and held up. hang on.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi Aud, I just got off of work as well and am extremely exhausted. I feel for you sister. Don't assume anything and don't have any expectations. I will catch up on your old thread to find out what is going on with you and comment when I can.
Stay strong in the meantime and remember why you are doing this; because you stand for your marriage and your family!
