Quote: BUT I also believe that you can not take all of the burden upon yourself.
Your wife has a responsibility to also make changes for the preservation of the relationship and is also accountable for her quick tongue.
I don't think I do, but I know when I post here, it seems like that. I know she has her share of the responsibility and burden to work through this sitch with me but I also know I can't really control her part of it. If anything, I think I spend a large part of the time in my "real" life placing blame (maybe the wrong word) for a lot of this on her (in my head at least). That's why I get so critical of myself here. I realize that blaming her for everything, something I used to do regularly, doesn't really help.
Most, if not all of what I post about here is MY changes and the things I can control. Sure, I could post a lot about her need to learn to communicate better, her self-esteem issues, her possible drinking issues, her being affected by the death of her brother, etc, etc, etc. She has MANY issues that, if worked on, could improve our sitch.
I guess I just feel like those issues have been there since day one with her and I knew what I was getting into. Not to say that gives her any kind of free pass. MY issues on the other hand, my anger, my weight gain, my apathy towards the R at times, and my general lack of concern for MY life are more recent developments. I feel like if I can get back to the place I was early in our R (sure, I fully realize that some of her issues contributed to where I am right now) I can restore some of the balance and things will be somewhat better. So far, I have been right.
Quote:
Spending your life walking on eggshells and constantly being on your best behavior is not gratifying either. It gets old and you will become weary.
I disagree. Well, I disagree that I am walking on eggshells. I AM trying to be happy, which you could say is trying to be on my best behavior but that is more for me than her.
I love what OT always says about not managing someone else's emotions. THAT is what I want to avoid now, and in the future. I do WAY too much of that. I think I used to LIVE on eggshells and now I am much more direct with my W thanks mainly to OT and her constant refrain that direct, open communication is the key to a better R with my W.
Quote: You have made so much progress and are so positive, I just wish you would be a little easier on yourself at times.
Yes I have, and I think I was able to do all that because I have a very clear idea about what parts of ME I wanted to change. I get upset when I realize that I didn't achieve those goals like I thought I did.
Sometimes it's a bit of a curse to be able to look into yourself and clearly see what's wrong. I credit that ability with helping me save my marriage, but it also leads to me being too hard on myself, as you point out.
Thanks again for your concern. I am truly "good" now so no worries mate!
Wow, karma is a b!tch. I actually take no real pleasure in this but for some reason one of my W's friends' (a seriously insane one...I mean that) husband said to my W last night "Hey, what happened to your workout/diet. You've put on weight." She said he told her she looked fat but I don't know if the word fat was ever used.
Seriously, do you ever say that to a woman? I told her I thought it was a joke. It had to be. My W, if anything, is too skinny. Most everyone in her life thinks so. Now this a$$hole comes along and sets her off.
She was VERY upset last night (um, did I say she had self-esteem and body issues), vowing to lose weight and work out all day today. Geezus.
At one point she said "It just hurts so much to have someone say something like that to you. I mean why would someone do that?"
In the dark (we were in bed) I smiled and replied "I know how it feels..."
Anyway, other than that little drama, things are very good. Still no ML in the last several days but I don't feel like that's going to last much longer. I am back from my little trip into slippage land and think I am back on track again. My confidence is back up again and I think I am doing great going into the Christmas weekend.
On that note, merry Christmas to you all, and happy holidays if you celebrate something else.
I credit you all for helping my have a very merry Christmas with my family and hope some, if not all of you get that chance too.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
I'm sure you just wanted to say. "Ya, why don't you tell me?" when she said "why would someone say that?"
But good for you, to not start a whole nother argument!
I'm glad that you aren't beating yourself up anymore! You do have a lot to be encouraged by and you've done a lot to get where you are. It's okay to slip up sometimes, for heavens sake, we are human! totally full of sin and far from perfect.
You also have a wonderful Christmas, and I bet you have a great night of ML coming up soon!
Crissy
Matthew 1:20-21 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins."
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
This stuff is for life folks. We are all relationship-o-holics that can't EVER slip back into thinking that just one moment of careless action in our marriages won't do some harm. I don't mean to say we can't ever make a mistake but I do mean that mistake CANNOT be complacency.
Hi GH Thanks for sharing the bump in the road. It helps to see that we all have ups and downs on this journey and they're a normal part of the process. I was thinking yesterday about your sitch and how intertwined we can become in a M. I have that prob with J.. and start living in reaction to where he is. Isn't it easy to get drawn back into that cycle? Your posts have made me realize how much of my GAL I've dropped and that I need to get back on track in the new year! Do you think your W focuses too much on you also? I've noticed that when I'm over focusing on our R, that I start to feel like something is missing because I'm neglecting my needs and things that will fulfill me as an individual. Our partners just can't be up to providing it all and when J has a rough day, and I'm looking to him for happiness.. well, things feel off for me too.
Thanks for the story of slippage - reminds us all in piecing to keep postitive change moving in a forward motion. Good stuff and nicely handled.
One thing I wanted to chime in on is that I too am perhaps too critical and might take too much of the blame as it pertains to our spiral into the bowels of hell - at least that is what others say to me as well. Reality of it is to me, what matters is that *I* take ownership of my failings and work to fix them.
One thing that I took away from Michelle's work is that ONE person can repair a M - to not lose hope. This is where what I think Michelle is saying is "become a leader". I was sharing this with some dudes off the board. Good leaders have followers. At one point in our R, our WAS's were our biggest fans - our followers. When we started to fail as a leader...well we know what happened.
For us that DR/DB, we renew our leadership - and with that, hopefully we have a spouse that will follow - sometimes out of mere curiousity at first, but also because they see us becoming leaders again. When we try and MANAGE them, ourselves, etc. it is that much less attractive and threatening.
So, I guess what I see is me leading - and my W following or right beside me. And as we lead together, my W's fears and insecurities become right out there, able to be worked on slowly and comfortably, without threat. The change happens subltly and you have to remind yourself that even now, there are baby steps. I've seen this with my WAW anyway.
In any event, thanks for continuing to share - have yourself a great holiday - here's to more goodness in 2007!
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thanks for sharing the bump in the road. It helps to see that we all have ups and downs on this journey and they're a normal part of the process. I was thinking yesterday about your sitch and how intertwined we can become in a M. I have that prob with J.. and start living in reaction to where he is. Isn't it easy to get drawn back into that cycle? Your posts have made me realize how much of my GAL I've dropped and that I need to get back on track in the new year! Do you think your W focuses too much on you also? I've noticed that when I'm over focusing on our R, that I start to feel like something is missing because I'm neglecting my needs and things that will fulfill me as an individual. Our partners just can't be up to providing it all and when J has a rough day, and I'm looking to him for happiness.. well, things feel off for me too.