Quote: I remember reading somewhere, maybe mars/Venus, that women tend to be "cyclical" when it comes to their drive. Is that true? It seems like it could be in my W's case. Last month, things tapered off leading up to her period and it is this time too. Then, right after...well...pretty regular again.
This is very true for me. Most the time I have no clue it's happening, until I have my period, and then I'm like, duh, no wonder I was feeling that way this week. I try to keep a schedule, but I forget sometimes.
So, do be patient and see how her mood is later. Unfortunately, you will find this in almost every woman.
lol
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I guess I shouldn't have to warn you about a LONG post from me. After a year you should know...
To say this weekend was bad is a terrible understatement. I have gone back and forth on posting that I am a fraud. I guess that's a bit harsh but the bottom line is that I come here an preach all this crap that I simply have not been living up...not even close.
Saturday night, for the 3rd time this week, we went to bed with her saying she wanted to ML. This time we didn't even get started before everything crashed. We were in the bathroom and as I walked out she said "So what happened to your workout?"
I was shocked. I immediately got VERY defensive (broken GH rule #1) and fired something like "Oh nice, great timing on that one. I guess you're saying I'm fat?"
Long story short, rather than ML we spent an hour or so with her laying into me about how since things have gotten better between us everything I did when she was "cheating" had gone out the window. She said she noticed that I was eating much better, working out all the time and looked great back then. Now I am back to eating junk food all the time, never working out and putting the weight back on. She also said all the "Sure, you're a great dad and provide but that's all..." Implying once again that I was slacking off in the good husband role...gee, never heard THAT one before.
1 outa 3 ain't bad I guess. I DON'T eat junk food all the time but when I am with her and the kids, mainly because the kids eat junk on the weekends, I do too. During the week, I eat much better but she doesn't see that. I also weigh about the same (give or take 3 pounds) as I did this entire time since the initial LBS Weight Plan kicked in.
Anyway, all that aside (and trust me, IT WAS NOT ASIDE last that night...VERY defensive I was) she went on to say how she felt like the only way I give a crap about myself or how I look is when she traumatizes me. I argued till I was red in the face (damn me). I told her I DID CARE but...but...(INSERT MANY EXCUSES).
It came out that when we went to a party on Friday night (first time with a babysitter in a LONG time) she noticed that I had a bit of a gut hanging over my belt (not true...but). Then we went to a kid's birthday party on Saturday and my hair was overgrown (been trying to find the time to get it cut for 2 weeks now) so I just wore a baseball cap. She said between that and the shorts and t-shirt (I am usually dressed better than that), her friends said they didn't even recognize me (they always commented on how good I looked in the past).
THEN she got to the part where she said when we ML she can feel the difference when I have more weight on. She said I looked and felt SO much better a few weeks ago even.
I tried to argue that nothing had changed in that time, to come look at the scale and see for herself but she just said that wasn't the point. The point was that I didn't care now that I got what I wanted. I just went back to being the guy who didn't really give two craps about how he looks and that hurt her deeply.
In the end, she said her OLD usual (even before the "bomb"s she used to say this sometimes) "I can't do this anymore..."
I asked what that meant and she said "I can't pretend I am happy in this marriage anymore. I know what I have to do..."
Of course I asked what that was and she just said "Well, something different than what I'm doing right now because this isn't working for me." I did manage to say "Why not learn to tell me this stuff when you first notice it, and not when I am at my most vulnerable (naked, going to bed to ML). Why not just mention to me that I seem to be eating too much junk. She said she's tried (I disagree but...) and I have gotten defensive. I said that was LONG ago (pre-affair) and she hasn't tried being direct with me since all this happened. She said she was afraid to do that because of my reaction (OT, can you say managing my emotions?). I told her that I was ALWAYS VERY AFRAID of mentioning ANYTHING about her alcohol consumption but I did it never-the-less because I cared and I wanted her to know how I felt...and BTW, it never seemed to make much of a difference.
So, of course, in addition to getting defensive, especially when she talked about my "addiction to fast food" and how I get this happy look on my face when I get a cheeseburger and fries in my hands that sickens her, I attacked her for her drinking. She REALLY liked that part. Even though I am right to a certain extent that she seems to drink to much at times (which she admitted), it was the wrong time and didn't help.
There was much more than that, especially in the details of what she said, but that's the gist. To say I didn't listen very well and I didn't validate is dead on. Sure, I slipped in the occasional "Wow, it sucks you feel that way" here and there but overall, the convo was a lot of her trying to tell me how she felt and me arguing almost every point she made. Hell, she even did a great job of using "I" statements (I feel like you don't care anymore...I feel like you gave up once things got better...) until I got so defensive that she just started dirctly attacking me.
I was VERY upset and it carried over into yesterday where our physical interaction was almost non-existent. We got along fine, and neither of us brought up the night before, but it was there, with us all day.
The worst part of all; she's right. She's 98% right, at least when she says that I let everything slip once things started to get better. As ashamed as I am to admit it (and I eventually did admit it to her) she's right. I didn't really realize it, or at least put it all together, but I have let thing go for sure. I FELT it happening and even mentioned in a few posts that I thought I was getting complacent but I had no idea how much until Saturday night.
So I have a catch 22. She said the only way she sees to get me to give a crap about myself is to traumatize me...which she did a GREAT job of that night. So now, if I respond, I prove her point. If I don't...
This is where I DID take my own advice (hey, better late than never I suppose) and decided that I wanted to be married, not right, which are mutually exclusive in this case. Since I realized that I did indeed revert back to pre-bomb behavior in a lot of aspects of my life, I decided right then and there to stop talking about it.
I decided I had to re-discover whatever it was inside ME that motivated me to do all this in the first place. The one thing I would not conceded to her is that she was the ONLY reason I did everything I did. I KNOW I did a lot of it for myself and I need to get back to that.
Sure, for now, she gets to think that it was what she said that made the difference and for me, that means that it's CRITICAL that I make it stick this time. I HAVE TO actually BE that guy I claim to be that is all self-motivated and doing all this for his own good.
Up to now, I did much better preaching than practicing. I am not really on the level of the priest that gets caught with an alter-boy but I am surely not living the life I thought I was.
I WILL do better. I HAVE to do better.
I went for my first jog in a couple months last night (at 10:30pm and despite the comment from my W that I should start these things sooner (to which I snapped "That's my problem, I have been waiting for the right time to workout and there will NEVER be a right time so..." She made a zipping gesture over her lips and that was that.
I REALLY enjoyed my run and think I will be able to keep it up...let's hope I can anyway!
GH, I am sorry you had a bad weekend. Obviously I'm in no position to offer you advice but I just wanted to say keep your chin up and thank you for all of the help you've given me
Sorry about the tough weekend. Here are a few thoughts:
(1) Definitely keep up the self-improvements for YOU.
(2) Change what your kids eat on the weekends. If it isn't good for you, it certainly isn't good for them.
(3) Your W's hypercriticalness is NOT due to the gain of a pound or a month of no jogging or an extra slice of pizza. She is taking something out on you and/or projecting onto you. So, my guess is that some or all of these things are going on:
-- She heard from OM or is thinking about him and feels like crap. She doesn't like feeling like crap so she becomes critical of you.
-- She feels like crap for letting herself go since reconciling.
-- And this is a big one that she made pretty clear: She is sick of managing your feelings. (SHE needs to stop this one.)
-- Also, she does not feel heard. Whether this is because you aren't listening or she isn't speaking up doesn't much matter. The TWO OF YOU need to figure out a way to change this.
-- The problems aren't going to go away on their own. But they aren't going to go away with just your efforts. To change things, you need to work together to create a new problem.
-- Apologize directly for your reaction. Tell her you want her input and you want her to feel heard. Come up with 3 things to ask for her help on figuring out what the TWO of you can do to make things different. For instance, (1) stop managing each other's feelings, (2) make sure her voice gets heard clearly earlier, (3) finding guilt free time for you so that you can continue to be the new improved H.
Oh, and if you didn't have sex during her period when you suggested that you would earlier in the week, I expect THAT is the real thing that is sparking her resentment, criticism, and anger. For, you would have acted like you were going to be passionate H but then just gone back to nonpassionate H. And, your W acknowledging that she was receptive to period sex was a big emotional risk and would have made her quite vulnerable. So, if you didn't make it happen, that could explain the whole blow up.
Quote: Oh, and if you didn't have sex during her period when you suggested that you would earlier in the week, I expect THAT is the real thing that is sparking her resentment, criticism, and anger.
We "tried" three times to ML during that "period" that I said I wanted to...and three times either during, or before, she stopped it. I don't really THINK I was acting impassionate, or in any way different than before. I really do believe that she has been having these feelings that I have "slipped" for awhile now. Sure, maybe that she has too.
I can say that things have FELT differently lately. My compliments have annoyed her more than turned her on. My advances have been met with indifference, etc.
Quote: And, your W acknowledging that she was receptive to period sex was a big emotional risk and would have made her quite vulnerable. So, if you didn't make it happen, that could explain the whole blow up.
I think this COULD be true but I think there is more to it. I will post my responses to your first post and expand.
Quote: (1) Definitely keep up the self-improvements for YOU.
Check!
Quote: (2) Change what your kids eat on the weekends. If it isn't good for you, it certainly isn't good for them.
Actually a sticking point with my W and I. We BOTH say we WANT them to eat better but we rarely do anything about it. I'm sure somewhere in her mind she blames me for "making" them that way (picky, bad eaters). It's an issue we've had for a long time and yes, we do need to change their eating habits overall, not just on the weekends.
Quote: (3) Your W's hypocriticalness is NOT due to the gain of a pound or a month of no jogging or an extra slice of pizza. She is taking something out on you and/or projecting onto you. So, my guess is that some or all of these things are going on:
I suspect you're right...
Quote: -- She heard from OM or is thinking about him and feels like crap. She doesn't like feeling like crap so she becomes critical of you.
Well, we know this to be true. Whatever he said in the "message" she got from him weeks ago seems to have shaken her. I don't get that she has any positive feelings but rather that it just brought it all back up to her again and she's feeling like crap.
Quote: -- She feels like crap for letting herself go since reconciling.
In one of my better (er...worse) moments, I actually said this to her. I suggested that she may be saying these things to me because since her personal trainer boyfriend left the picture, she's basically stopped working out. She even went so far as to say that she needed "motivation" a few weeks ago, in an almost blatant attempt to say that without OM pushing her, she just doesn't do it. Of course when I try to motivate her, I come off critical, etc.
Anyway, she actually agreed that she's slacked off but said at least she's gone back to the gym recently and is getting things back going in the right direction.
As an aside, I also mentioned to her that what sucks about me is that I value her (substitute MY) happiness more than personal appearance...to a point. I would rather her have 10 pounds on her and be happy than miserable and skinny. Probably the wrong thing to say, but WTH, I was on a roll.
Quote: -- And this is a big one that she made pretty clear: She is sick of managing your feelings. (SHE needs to stop this one.)
Actually, I think it's more than that. She's sick of managing my life. I think she's sick of feeling like mommy to me as well as the boys and frankly, that's the role I've allowed her to slip back into lately. BAD BAD BAD!
Quote: -- Also, she does not feel heard. Whether this is because you aren't listening or she isn't speaking up doesn't much matter. The TWO OF YOU need to figure out a way to change this.
Yep. I've been working on it but don't really get much help from her. She's always (and I know that's a pretty long-reaching word) been the kind of person who would rather stifle their feelings/words in order to smooth over the situation, only to have things boil over into a MUCH bigger deal than they originally were.
I thought she'd changed a bit on that front, but I guess not as much as I'd thought. Really, she claimed to have felt this way for weeks now and this is the first thing I have heard about it. We need to improve communication for sure. I will work on listening and go from there.
Quote: -- The problems aren't going to go away on their own. But they aren't going to go away with just your efforts. To change things, you need to work together to create a new problem.
I don't want a new problem, lol, I just want the old ones gone. I know we both have to work on these things but she's just so closed up sometimes. It's getting better though, especially in regards to us having and then resolving conflicts.
Quote: -- Apologize directly for your reaction. Tell her you want her input and you want her to feel heard. Come up with 3 things to ask for her help on figuring out what the TWO of you can do to make things different. For instance, (1) stop managing each other's feelings, (2) make sure her voice gets heard clearly earlier, (3) finding guilt free time for you so that you can continue to be the new improved H.
I don't think I will apologize. I did that profusely on Saturday night. I don't want to talk about it any more. I know what I need to do and I also know that she pays MUCH more attention that I ever thought so she'll notice. I just think more talking is not what we need right now.
Bottom line is that I know what I need to do and I want to do it for me, FOR REAL this time.
I am not too worried about this. I know I said she traumatized me but in reality, she probably gave me the wakeup slap I needed to once and for all straighten up.
It's one thing to cruise through a marriage, get the bomb and then do a bunch of stuff to make things better. It's such a traumatic time that no matter how much you may think it's all about you and self-growth, in reality, it's as much about self-preservation as it is anything else. DB just gives us an alternative set of actions to take.
The tough part is that when the crisis is done, it's human nature to relax a bit and that's when the trouble starts. I am now seeing that there is almost a second phase to DB that involves learning how to REALLY integrate it's principles into your life when there is no driving force compelling you to other than your own will power.
Quote: I think she's sick of feeling like mommy to me as well as the boys
Eeewwwwww! Having had an H, now XH who I felt I had to parent, let me tell you that this is one of the top 3 killers of lust and passion.
The great thing is you recognize it, acknowledge it, and address it
How about this? After a few more workouts, you thank her for kicking you butt -- you weren't traumatized, but you needed it and you are really feeling great. (The idea here is to reinforce that you want to hear from her, even if it hurts in the moment it is OK -- you both benefit in the long run.)
GH, I'm so sorry that your weekend went so badly. I think DB'ing is going to have to be a way of life for us. Just like people who go on a diet to lose weight; once the weight is off they tend to go back to the way things were and thus regain the weight. Just because our spouse decided to stay in the marriage does not give us license to put our feet up and let our hair down, ya know?
I can't really imagine that she is mad at you for gaining a couple of pounds, that is just where she projected her anger. Cause quite frankly if that is the case then she is very superfical (sp). While it is great to be in good shape and healthy there are very few people in this country that actually are. Just my two cents.
I tend to agree with OT (who wouldn't, right?) that she is upset by other things, possibly OM, and does not know how to communicate her frustrations to you for fear that you will be condescending or agrumentative or defensive, etc.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we all still love ya
