Things are still pretty good

[grasshopper]

How about this? After a few more workouts, you thank her for kicking you butt -- you weren't traumatized, but you needed it and you are really feeling great. (The idea here is to reinforce that you want to hear from her, even if it hurts in the moment it is OK -- you both benefit in the long run.)

I love this idea and I think I will do just that!

Eeewwwwww! Having had an H, now XH who I felt I had to parent, let me tell you that this is one of the top 3 killers of lust and passion.

The great thing is you recognize it, acknowledge it, and address it

I agree. I know this was once of her big issues and there is a LOT more to it than what I have posted...and also there is much more slippage that has occurred to cause things to seem, at least to her, like the "bad old days".

I recognize that in addition to the things she pointed out, I am back to asking her permission for everything, NOT GALing, NOT being independent and most likely, if I was totally honest, being very co-dependant. I guess all my life thinking that codependency WAS love makes it hard to break this habit.

I think it all boils down to this once simple fact, and thus, SHOULD be relatively easy to fix; Once I got comfortable again I stopped taking time out of my days for me. I stopped doing the little things that made me happy. I stopped working out. I stopped being responsible for my own happiness.

Instead of doing those things, I invested myself 100% into being with her and the boys, thinking that it was the right thing to do. WTH! That's NOT what got her back in the first place. It was seeing me as a sexy, independent man who knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it. Now I am a somewhat lazy, somewhat out of shape people pleaser who defers to her every whim...EWWWWWWWWW. I know. I know. I swear, I know.

I can correct my part of this. I WILL correct it.

GH

[grasshopper]

Thanks Mama. I agree that she seems to be projecting something onto me but I don't know the source.

It doesn't change the fact that projection or not, the things she said are true and I will address them. NOW, if there is any other underlying issues, we will probably have to get to them eventually.

Thank you so much for the support ladies.

GH

[WCW]

GH, this is from a while ago, but you asked about women tend to be "cyclical" when it comes to their drive.
I don't think this pertains just to the menstrual cycle. IMO life itself affects the sex drive. I remember streaks where H and I would be sexually intimate very often, more than once a day, numerous times throughout a week. I remember streaks where there would be stretches of nothing. I remember thinking about him all day long, and when we finally saw each other at night he was crabby or something happened and I was crabby, big mood killer. There are times when it is basically physically improbable to have intercourse during a menstrual cycle, but sex/ML isn't just intercourse. Right???
What caused our streaks? probably me. I based sex/ML on my emotional need, unfortunately. If I didn't feel emotionally close to H, if he didn't fill my love tank emotionally, I didn't want to fill his tank either. Vicious cycle, stupid me. I know better now, and I hope I can get a chance again. But YOUR W, is she playing a game with you? GH, lose 3 pounds and we can have great sex again. GH, get a haircut and we can have sex again. Or whatever. It's not you GH, she gave you some excuses for what is bothering her, but it's something else going on within herself but she is not admitting that to you or to herself.

Get back on track, just like you reminded yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Get it? now the next time I get brave enough to come over here and read about all you happy Piecers, I hope to find you a happy GH!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

GH, I'm sorry to hear about your bad weekend too. I really messed up on mine as well. I think that we are somewhat close to the same boat, but I'm done the stream a little farther.

There have been a couple times where I've brought up the past and he's like, can't we be over this, is this going to happen every week?

Also, since he's come "back", I have stopped doing things for myself too. I haven't worked out, or worked on my music, or gone out. I guess I just went back to the be a mom and wife thing again. So I totally understand where your coming from.

Totally don't be worried about the 2 lbs, that's just absurd. That really doesn't matter, and I don't think it is the problem either.

Why don't you take initiative to have the kids eat healthier, maybe even talk to them seperately without her knowing and then when they start eating better with you, she'll be pleasantly suprised?

Just remember to not get defensive, I know that is so hard to do, but it just makes things worse and it doesn't resolve anything either.

keep your head up! and start focusing on YOU again. and I will try to also

[grasshopper]

Thanks ladies. WCW, actually I am very happy. I was as of yesterday. I know I screwed up but I don't think it's anything that will affect my sitch long-term other than making it better.

I know the weight thing seems absurd but it's not really, and even if it seems to be, it's not really about the weight, it's about what it represents.

You see, when my W met me (and I'm sure this story is replayed millions of times in millions of R's) I was in great shape, had a VERY active social life, was a "cool" fashion photographer, with long hair and a rebel attitude etc, etc, etc. She was a funky, cool, VERY smart, in shape girl.

Basically from the time we got engaged (and that's literally because I see it in pictures over time) I started to get out of shape. By the time the honeymoon rolled around, I was about 18 pounds heavier than when we met 1 1/2 years prior. She never really said anything about it.

As time went on, I cut my hair and never really styled it. I stopped shooting fashion and got a day job, became VERY anti-social and put on a little more weight.

Sure, that all sounds like necessary growing up, but it was more than that. I could have adjusted to married-with-kids-life and still maintained a lot of who I was. I allowed that to slip. I assure you what she perceived as me not really caring is true. I didn't. I thought I looked ok but I knew I wasn't doing a damn thing about it and was ok with that. I misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing all this time. I thought it was good enough to bring home a paycheck and help out with the kids. Um....

So I allowed my life to get stale and stopped having anything to offer other than a paycheck. That is not just revised history, it's the truth.

Through all that, she actually got in better shape, got a third degree, became a mom and then got back in shape as fast as you probably can, etc, etc, etc. She remained pretty much the woman I knew when I met her.

Bottom line is that she's always felt like a bit of a bait and switch happened between the time she met me and when we got married. Sure, it wasn't nearly all bad and we had a lot of great years but this idea that I just let myself go, in MANY ways, stuck with her.

Fast forward to this past weekend. She finally felt like I was back to the "old" me, the me that cared about myself, how I looked, how I felt, etc. Then, just like last time, when she made a commitment to me, the bottom dropped out.

I'm sure it felt like a sucker punch to her. I wish I fully understood all this before. Not that I should be doing this FOR her, but I think my motivation was always lurking under the surface and realizing how important this all was to the overall scheme of things would have been the thing to pull it up.

Now, I am SO freaking happy to feel like I am 100% into all this for me. She DID motivate me, that I can admit, but I know that if I want this to last, this marriage, my happiness, etc, it will be ME that keeps it going.

I also found out that after a lifetime of hating running, I really enjoy it, so much that I may start looking into doing short running events. My SIL suggested that when she found out I started running the last time. It sounds like a great way to not only keep in shape, but to GAL too!

So, I am still very happy. I'd like to think I could maintain that happiness in the face of just about anything but I know that's not quite true. I am getting better at it after a lifetime of relying on other people to spoon feed me my happiness.

I know this all sounds a bit superficial (when I read it I think that too) but it all points to deeper, more emotional things from our past that are just summarized by the more surface things. In a way, I think fixing THOSE surface issues can make inroads towards fixing the other, deeper wounds.

GH

[S.T. _I Made It!]

well, after you saying that she's kept in shape while you've slacked off, doesn't seem as bad now.

But I'm sure the whole problem was you trying to fix yourself for mostly her, and not for yourself. That's where we get into problems, because we've been in a crisis mode and doing everything we can, and yes it makes us feel better and happier, but somehow after it "works" we find ourselves slacking back into our old selves. I mean, we've been our old selves for how many years? and we've been DBing for what? hardly anything in comparison probably. so it's only logical that we would slip back into our old ways because we have found a comfort zone again. however, all these changes we know make ourselves better. So why do we do this? I really think the main reason is that we aren't fully changing ourselves for just US.

I know that I need to take my own advice too. But we can do it!

[flying_solo]

GH, it is good to hear where you at and glad to see you are in better place compared with the past few days. At your encourgement I have read through alot of your past and picked up some valuable insight into the db process. Coincidently with help from my C, I have come to realize that much of what I am doing is directed at my w and therefore not authentic. I do this because I am afraid of a bad outcome. I am presently trying to overcome that fear.

[jersting]

GH, I have just finished reading your current sitch and I feel bad and scared for the hurdle you are in the middle of getting over. I know from the wisdom you have given me, you will get over your current hurdle with no problem. My scared feeling is for me, not for you. I think that the position we have gotten ourselves into is mind boggleing and we have to try and keep our minds in the right frame. Just remember like you have told me numerous times... You can't controll their feelings, only your own. I see in your last post that you have gotten back ahold of that but there were a few earlier posts that I read into it that you were trying to control your wifes feelings. Just my thoughts on this. I think you know a whole lot more than me in these things but I just wanted to express my feelings for your sitch.
Jersting

[grasshopper]

Thanks ST & FS. I appreciate the support.

Coincidently with help from my C, I have come to realize that much of what I am doing is directed at my w and therefore not authentic. I do this because I am afraid of a bad outcome. I am presently trying to overcome that fear.

In one of my more stupid moves, I stopped seeing my C even before things got better. I don't really know why, probably the time/money factor, but I think mainly it was arrogance that I could handle things from here. I was wrong.

I think if I had stayed on with my C through this time, she would have told me the same thing as your C did and I would have avoided this recent speed bump in our progress.

One of the things that my C never really pushed was that a D WAS one of the outcomes that might happen, and that was because I told her I didn't want to hear that in our very first session. She honored that, but the more I posted here and read other people's stories, the more I knew that accepting ALL the potential outcomes was one of the keys to getting better on a personal level.

I don't know how well I ever did this since there was not really any D talk in my sitch but I did try to force myself to be at peace with that potential outcome.

I do agree that doing all this out of fear or simply for her sake is bad. I also admit, as I think all but those most in denial would, that we are all motivated at first to do all this for precisely those reasons.

The hard part, as I recently learned, is to wean ourselves off the fear and codependent motivation and replace it with self-centered and independent motivations. I know we are supposed to do that right away with DB, but I also know for me, and many others, it was very hard to do.

Now, without any outside trauma to keep me going, I did indeed relax and got burned for it.

This stuff is for life folks. We are all relationship-o-holics that can't EVER slip back into thinking that just one moment of careless action in our marriages won't do some harm. I don't mean to say we can't ever make a mistake but I do mean that mistake CANNOT be complacency.

Of course, we are also blessed by the other side of that coin which is the potential for tremendous self growth and fantastic relationships.

GH

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Sounds Great GH Glad to see you continueing on the right track