Hi Mermaid, I want to chime in and send my sympathy for the loss of your FIL and then this horrible incident with the funeral. Your h must be out of his mind to think that all would be sweet and serene with both you and ow there! Maybe out of his mind with grief but it sounds very selfish to assume that b/c it was a funeral that everyone would feel so sorry for him that they would not make a fuss.
I definitely support the idea of going dark. It is very satisfying and will be very healing for you. Remember that it IS for you and not just to "show him what he is missing."
And I agree with you that in retrospect your h really did pull you into this sad chapter, relying on you as a support while his father was ill.
This will be a turning point. Who knows which way it will turn though. Thinking of you. xxx Amy
Just want to send my support and condolences. I think under the circumstances you handled yourself well. Take care of yourself...I'm sorry that you have had so much loss. Rest and be good to yourself. We will keep you in our prayers.
BIG ((((HUGS)))).....I am so sorry that you had to deal with OW!! And in the situation you were in.......I can't even imagine!! You did a great job and don't beat yourself up. Your H mad an A$$ out of himself!! Hard to figure out what these MLC'ers think/feel!!
How are your kids with all this? I bet they are just too young to "get it".... My kids are starting to see "the real dad" in their dad. He is still so self absorbed and into "himself". We (they and I) are moving along without him in a very calm and mature way. I do beleive one day he will wake up and wonder where his life and little children went. My 9 yr old S is more rational, mature and level headed than his dad......and he knows it!!
Anyway, my heart is aching for you, I know this must have been an exhausting/emotional event. Reflect on your stregnth and keep moving forward!!
I will update one day soon,,,,,so much is going on with me, I just need to put all the fianl pcs in place before I update....
I've not written to you before, but I've read some of your story. I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this doubly-difficult time. (Even if you rooted for the WRONG team at the Grey Cup. )
~Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
My dear friend, I have tears on my eyes, b/c you handled yourself with such grace.
I don't know if I would of done the same.
My heart aches for what you went thru, and still go thru.
You are a wonder, and I am amazed by your strength, your courage, and your Faith.
mermaid you are incredible. I know you don't always feel like it but you are.
I would of smacked , her I'm serious, and OMG, if she would of touched my kids, the police would of been called,
I am ghetto, and I have no hope.
You are a lady.
Please,. go dark, please stick to it.
He is lost, yes, he is, and I know so much time has passed already, but this is a process that he has to go thru, i wish i could put some dynamite in his butt, and speed up his process!
You are in my prayers, and your beautiful daughters!
I'm sorry mamma, but you are amazing, and please don't make him let you feel otherwise, ever!
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
More visitors. I love this place. Maybe that is why I find it hard to leave. Anyway I have been doing a lot of thinking re: my whole marriage. It was not all bad but it was not that great. I too had low self esteem and when I met h he boosted my esteem but as time went on he chipped away at it. I know it was because of all his issues and I did not know any better.
I can actually see the same thing happen with ow. She looked so lost and uncomfortable and h did not even care. He thought by holding her hand he was protecting her but she was lost. But it was all about h wanting to stick it to me so he did not notice how any one else felt.
I know you are all going to think I am crazy when I tell you this but I really feel sorry for ow. She does not appear to be a predator but I think h preyed on her. I am sure he has filled her head with lies and she does not know what to beleive. Hopefully she will wise up as I think it will take h a long time to. Well I felt so bad that I left a vm for both of them apologizing. I know it sounds crazy but I felt compelled by my conscience or the Holy Spirit. I did not do it to change anything but only because I really felt bad.
But my going dark has begun. When he comes to get the ds I will make myself scarce or leave right away. I really like time away. In fact even before the funeral I thought I have had too much of h lately with all the talking and phone calls about his dad.
BTW Nicole I did not vote for the wrong team as we won the Grey Cup.
SA3 I am looking forward to an update as you have not posted in awhile.
Ds and I had a great weekend. On Saturday was d8 bday. We went to build a bear. Then since we were at the mall we went to see Santa. In the evening my family came over to celebrate ds bday.
Sunday was d8s first alter serving day. She was nervous so the sister promised her she would not have a special job but she ended up holding the water and wine. The monseniur (sp) was presiding. I was so proud of her.
After lunch we went on the Christmas train. When we got home we decorated.
That is all for now. I will visit you all soon. When I am sane enough to add something helpful.
I have been thinking about you so much since I read your post. I have been where you are. I have felt the same things that you are feeling. I just want things to get better for you. We differ in our opinions of how that might happen, but it is truly your life to live, not mine. But I really do care.
I watched a movie tonight on W tv. It was called "Home for Christmas" and it starred Linda Hamilton (she is getting older like the rest of us). It started with her H having an affair. Showed him with OW and their D going to stay with H and OW. That part was so painful for me to watch - even 5 years later. The rest was about her struggles - some of it I could relate to, at other times I thanked God for all that I had and didn't have to go through. And of course, as with all good Christmas movies - it had a happy ending.
I'm telling you because it was about making your own future, your own happy ending. You have to do that without him. I'm not going to tell you that he is going to come through his MLC and come back to you or that he isn't. I don't have a crystal ball. I wanted one so badly when I was hoping and praying for Ex's return. Maybe it was better that I didn't know. I made my own decisions. Everything has worked out fine. Not what I signed up for, but just fine.
I will continue to check on you, pray for you and think of you. And for your daughters. This must be so difficult and confusing for them. I wish your H would grow up and realize that but don't expect that now or maybe ever. I know that my Ex never thinks of his kids' best interest. But that's why our kids have us.
Sending you another hug. I would keep my distance from him as you have already decided. Do some soul searching. Look ahead a bit and see how your life might be. And keep your faith.
First and foremost, I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you.
Second, you did nothing wrong by standing up for your family and your marriage.
Third, you are so right. It was all a show. He was using the OW to get a reaction from you. You said yourself you played into his hands. I don't think I would go that far but you did react. The reason why I know this is that my XH does the EXACT same thing.
He pulled some stuff this week by suggesting that we all go to the caribbean together. He, the Rat, me, New Guy and all of our kids. OMG!
Anyway, I could not BELIEVE he would do that. I almost reacted..the key word is ALMOST.
Then, I thought, what does he EXPECT me to do when he suggests this on a voicemail? You betcha..A reaction.
Now it totally stinks that H pulled this at his own dad's funeral. But, if you think about it, it's par for the course. He is so lost right now he didn't know what to do. You were his safe place way back when when you two were together, and now it's all changed. He didn't know what to do and he panicked. Typical MLC stuff. To use the OW as a safety net or a means to get attention.
I don't know if you read on my post but the Rat, aka OW, apologized to me. She said that XH treats her worse than he treated me. The mental and verbal abuse is horrible. She pretty much told me verbatum what they fight about. Yup, you guessed it. It's me.
So funny because I totally took myself out of the equation. I, too, started to feel sorry for her. She isn't the most attractive girl, she had nothing when XH met her, she left her kid. Now, she is left with a depressed MLC abusive man who is still not over leaving his family. And who is to blame..SHE IS in his eyes. It's a love hate relationship. On one hand, she is all he has. On the other hand, on the bad days, he blames her for it all and knows she doesn't hold a candle to me. Plain and simple.
So, Mermaid, I truly understood when you said you felt sorry for her and apologized on the voicemail to them. I don't think you did anything wrong by addressing her and your stance for your marriage but if you felt it warranted a response, so be it. It makes you an even better person than most and more of a reason for your stupid alien to listen to the message and cry. He knows what a class act you are and you just proved it.
It is so confusing, I have to admit. How all this garbage ties together and who is to blame, etc. All I know is that these guys are emotionally and probably mentally unstable. Any woman who thinks the MLC guy is their knight in shining armor is smoking crack. But they don't see it right away.
Theses OW think they are the answer to their prayers. And these guys most likely lead the OW to believe this. Then, when the dust settles and the mundane of everyday life occurs and MLCer sees nothing is better, they start to see the light. And, to make matters worse, these OW are a part of the nasty divorce process. Smack dab in the middle. Personally, I can think of UMPTEEN MILLION other places I would like to be than hanging out with an emotionally unstable married man who is going through a separation or divorce from his wife. NO THANK YOU.
These OW will take scraps. That is what these guys liked in the beginning. They were so appreciative and low maintenance. These OW would do head stands just to get the chance to go out for a beer with these MLCers. Fast forward a year later. Now, what looked like "low maintenance" is a pathetic needy woman who has such low self esteem she has to go after a married guy.
I know this for a fact since XH basically told me. He said the Rat takes less than 100%. (I even have it on a recorder!! I taped him talking about her once..so funny..he never knew it! )
Mermaid, I am so very sorry for all the heartache you have had to endure lately. Your FIL passing away, the impact this loss has had on you, your d's and even the Alien. It has not been an easy time by any means so be good to yourself, okay?
You have always been the voice of reason for me and such a cheerleader when I could barely get out of bed to check my email. Just know how wonderful we all think you are and what a role model you have provided to all of us.
Hang in there and hug those d's of yours. They are so lucky to have such a terrific mom. We are all so lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
Barbie thank you for your concern I do know where you are coming from. But you see this is the first time my h is really gone so it is like the begining in a way except that I am much stronger. But it was so hard to take a tough stance with him before because he always seemed so lucid. He was never as bad as so many others and he had no ow for the first two years. When I finally started moving on he pulled me back. He reconnected for about six months and then he turned 40. That is when ow surfaced.
I again tried to distance myself and I was doing really well when his father became ill and I openned myself up to him.
But now it is time to move on I know. Communication will be through email only.
MTN Your post made me cry.Thank you for validating me as I still feel foolish for reacting to his games. I know ow is only taking scraps from h as I took those scraps for years and this is when he was supposedly healthy. I cant imagine what he is like in mlc. It is sad though because ow really does not know any better. I do hope for her sake she wises up because she is wasting her time with my h especially while he is still in mlc.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I am wondering why I want this man in my life. He was not a great husband. He had some really great moments but there was so many times he was not there for me. I have been feeling more and more like I dont want or need him back in my life. Lately have had more and more of these days. They have not just been fleeing moments. So I think I am going to work toward a completely separate life from him. Going dark is the first step.
Thank you all for your help on this matter. I can always count on my friends here to pull me out of the dumpster.
I think I am going to let this thread drop though as I do not like the title. Soon I will begin a new more positive thread which will only be about my life.
I read about the funeral and felt awful for you, but had no good bits for you. I think you did just fine, IMHO. In a way I am jealous that you got to say something to OW. I never really had an opportunity, when it still mattered. Though, "they" say it doesn't matter anyway.
It looks as though "the glasses" are coming off and you've had a few little light bulb moments re WAH. I know you will ultimately do what is best for your fine self and the kiddos.
I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and thank you for stopping by my thread.
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