Hi Kansha My H left us for two years, he then wanted to return home. I DB'd him for those two years. When he told me he told the OW that he wanted to go back with me if I would have him. I had good advice at that time and I told him he would have to devote himself for a year to us to prove this is really what he wanted and also if it was what I wanted. I continue to DB over that year. At the end of the year he started staying at the house every night sleeping on the couch at first then moving into the Bedroom. I asked him what he was doing you just cant come home like this without any discussion. Please leave and I will think about it give me three weeks. He stayed away one night, the next night he returned with something he had to do. I said what are you doing here, he said dont you want me. I said yes I do and it is just over a year now. It was hell until I got into the driver seat. When he first came home to stay I had already laided many boundries. Once he was back in the house it was touch and go he wasnt showing me any affection. He said,It was an obligation that he had to come home. He didnt love me when he first came back. He was mainly home for the children. He had some. not much feelings for me. He chose not to love me and we had to work on getting the feelings back. Because he wasnt very loving and giving I felt upset and that is when the boundries got layed. For example not coming home after work, that was a red flag for me and I was afraid it was happening again. So I made it clear that I couldnt take that and he has to come home from work. I am stronger now and I do give him more space, what I find now is he doesnt want the space he wants to be with us.
We had so many relationship issues to work on between his with me and the children. I was the counsellor, it was hard he wouldnt go anywhere. He didnt want to talk to anybody. He had been seeing a psychiatrist for a while getting rid of all his demons. That has made a big difference. He was a very angry, mean man before he left. He has completely change for the better. I am getting twinges of my love feelings back for him. I decided to work on this relationship after reading Michele's first chapter that kept me strong and focused.
Kanshaw-It's Rachael. Remember me? Well, my H is hime-has been for 7 months. Its not paradise and I still have so much anxiety. I too have to watch what I say and how I say it, as he can get very defensive. OW is supposedly outof the picture now although he did admit to talking to her a couple of weeks ago when she called hiom abou ther house. He told he he could not fix it. He is suppose to be writing her a letter stating he can't have anymore contact with her. I'm still so mistrustful. Loretta, you said it was still hard after your H came home. It is. They are not the same for a long time. Mine still has periods when he distances and I will ask him about it and he will say he does not realize he is doin git and then tries to change. The problem mainly is me. I still have SO much anxiety fearing he will leave again or that its not really over with the OW. Ever since we were separated I have had anxiety disorder and I can't seem to shake it. The only peace I get is when I sleep. Its been very hard but I am up around him. He couuld not stand for me to be depressed or withdrawn. How do you find some kind of peace while going through this-It is so very scary to me, and I'm so tired of allthe anxiety that goes with it..Rachael
I'm still so mistrustful. Loretta, you said it was still hard after your H came home. It is. They are not the same for a long time. Mine still has periods when he distances and I will ask him about it and he will say he does not realize he is doin git and then tries to change. The problem mainly is me. I still have SO much anxiety fearing he will leave again or that its not really over with the OW. Ever since we were separated I have had anxiety disorder and I can't seem to shake it. The only peace I get is when I sleep. Its been very hard but I am up around him. He couuld not stand for me to be depressed or withdrawn. How do you find some kind of peace while going through this-It is so very scary to me, and I'm so tired of allthe anxiety that goes with it..Rachael
That mistrustful feeling comes up ever so often. I dont think it ever goes away completely. What I did was when something came up that made me feel uncomfortable I had to stop it as I mentioned earlier. It is like they are greiving the loss of the OW relationship. The ow may be putting pressure on them crying, threatening. They cant seem to let go because they are afraid to be alone. If you get rid of them they need to swing back in. At 7 months ow called screaming on night daughter took the call. She was saying I will make your life living hell. Next day I told h why do you have to keep this person hanging on is she your feel good fix. I reassured him that I wasnt going anywhere I loved him but this connection has to stop. I really feel from that moment on It stopped.
I am stronger now if the marriage was to end I would be OK I know I gave it my best shot. And I have learned what I want out of a relationship. If H isnt interested in being the icing on my cake then someone else will. So far he has been pulling through. We have had some rough interactions involving the children especially our son. Son one day started crying saying why cant you be like so and so dad, I just want to please you I cant do anything right. It was at that moment I realized that son was feeling the same as me I was working on our relationship together not realizing son was feeling like me. I said to H why cant you just love us, we arnt going anywhere we love you and just want you to love us dont be afraid. It was a good thing that happened. He is giving more and more love all the time. I was so proud of our son, I told him that he was amazing to share his feelings so well. In the heat of it I told him to tell his dad what he needs. Because his dad who is a foster child didnt know how to be a dad. H has gone to cottage, he called me tonight to make sure I was still coming tomorrow. Kids will stay home with grandpa.Should be fun. Just another one of our dates to keep the juices flowing. Take care all, Have a good weekend, Loretta
Wow, what a difference a year can make!! H took 14 people out for Sushi for D17’s birthday. We had a great time. Things are really going well in the family arena. I wish it were so in the OR arena, but at least, it is pleasant. H and I drank sake and visited with another couple(and S9) at one table and all the teens sat at another.
Loretta: You are so fortunate to be in a position of some power. Since my H just pretends that everything is just fine and that he didn’t have an ow or anything I have little that I can actually address. I do set some boundaries but I am very careful. My H never left home so I didn’t even have that as a way to draw the line. Yes, for 3 years my H was a very mean and angry man. THAT, HAS changed.
I damaged my rotator cup in my left shoulder and was in a lot of pain yesterday and H wanted to go and get something for me so that I would feel better. That is a change. I just wish we could talk about something. It sometimes feels so shallow. I am glad that your H doesn’t want the space and chooses to be with you.
“At 7 months ow called screaming on night daughter took the call. She was saying I will make your life living hell”
That must have been so awful for your daughter. Did your H feel bad about that?
I too feel soooooo much stronger and really know I could live fine with out being married to my H. I would be fine without him but would rather not.
Sometimes those intensely emotional times really push us through to a new level. Good that your S got his feelings out and that your H heard him. Have a great time with your H!
Rachael, Of course I remember you! I have been following your story. Are you taking something to help you with the anxiety? That can really make it difficult to DB if you are anxious and also it puts too much pressure on your H. Honey, sometimes it takes some time for them to fully detach from the ow. Loretta is right they ARE grieving the loss of the ow. You just have to allow that to be okay. How do I find peace? Well, I rarely allow myself to have a negative thought or worry. If I do, it overtakes me and I can’t DB. It is not easy but, I’ve committed to save my marriage and if I start thinking about anything negative I just want to blast my H and leave.
Honey, worrying about whether your H will leave you again or start up with the ow, will NOT prevent either of those things from happening. You have to give up control and leave it in God’s hands. That is a big one for many of us and takes along time to relinquish that need to control, fix, or change things that are really not ours to control, fix or change.
One of the reasons, I think, this all takes so long, is that WE really need to live our changes and that takes time. It took me at least a year and a half or more, to realize I had no control at all. Take care of yourself.
Kansha: I am so glad things are great in your familly, although i admire you how you handle h not wanting any intime relationshion wth you.. You are the queen of DBing and i know you will success with your behavior...!!.. If you can, stop by my thread (my happy birthday and happy rebuilding, on this forum)... i had made a big mistake, and i will appreciate your comments... Told me something... why you think your h avoid being intime with you...?... how you handle that...?... By ot threads you can know that rachael or me feels so anxious when our h are so distance... how do you handle being as friends and only friend or partner with your h...? had you ever talked about that with him...?
Hi Andrea: Thanks for your support. I will go visit your thread after I'm finished here. I wish I had more time so that I could be of more help.
"Told me something... why you think your h avoid being intime with you...?... how you handle that...?... By ot threads you can know that rachael or me feels so anxious when our h are so distance... how do you handle being as friends and only friend or partner with your h...? had you ever talked about that with him...? "
Frankly, Andrea, I really don't know why he won't sleep in the same room(not to mention, sex or even just a hug). He says he just wants to be alone, that he has never really been alone. I don't understand it.(Every once in awhile I worry that the reason is because he is still having sex with the ow) Way back when, I'm the one that asked him to leave. He wouldn't leave so, I kicked him out of the bedroom. He seemed happy about that actually. I thought that was the one area that was fine in our relationship.
I was just like you and Rachael in the beginning. Remember, I've been doing this for 4+or- years now. I just had to learn how to let go of controlling anything. I really had no choice. I put it firmly in God's hands and left it there. All in HIS time. This was not easy and it took a long time to detach. I was so so SO distraught.
I am hoping that when we go to the Retrouvaille weekend in three weeks, that I will get some answers.
I told my H before we moved to our new house, that I would NOT move in with him if we were going to continue living like this(roommates). I thought I made that real clear. I am not saying anything until after I see if the weekend opens up communication in the OR area.
One thing I do know, is that the LBS's anxiety feels like pursuit to the WA so, it is a definate no no. I had to work on containing mine and my anger and upset. I have now become very good at it.
Sure you are...!!... Also i notice you had set boundaries putting a date for cutting this separate sleeping... What if he insist sleeping apart when you move...?!!... And tell me something Kansha... Do you have evidence about he still being with OW...?... How you handle the anxious... do you feel anxious some times...?!!... And please excuse if i am asking too much but... Are you sure this is the man who makes you feel happy...?... i cant imagine me without any intime contact (just a hug) from my h for a long time...
I finally got over here to read your thread, and I'm so happy to hear how well things are going for you. I know there's still a ways to go--hopefully Retrouvaille will help with that. It is piecing, though, isn't it?
I think you know my H returned without fanfare (just with 2 dogs!!), and we still don't have too much R talk, though when I feel the need to bring something up, I do it. I think it still makes him uncomfortable to talk very much about the A and all the other pain he caused--I'm sure he still feels guilty. For a long time, there were answers I'd have liked to have had, but as time passes, they become less important to me. And in order to really move forward (both personally and the R), we do need to concentrate on the future, not the past. I am quite certain the A is over, though, and before I was, I really couldn't make much progress.
Our physical R didn't take too awfully long to come back--a month or two, I'd say, despite my having heard that he didn't think he could ever desire me again. I know it's hard, but give your H space in that arena for now. If you had a good PR in the past, I think you'll find it eventually comes back. Ours, actually, is probably better than it ever was.
Anyway, you sound so strong and positive these days, it is great to hear! Sounds like your kids are doing better too--and it's an ongoing job for a while to get them to accept their father back into their lives after all this. Keep up the great work, and my best wishes to all of you!
Yes, I did set a boundary, only problem is we have already moved. He already has insisted on sleeping apart now that we have moved. That is what I am hoping the Retrouvaille weekend will address. He is not easy to talk to about stuff like that.
I have no evidence that he is still “with” ow. I do know that he sees her for some work related stuff and that they work closely regarding that stuff. How do I handle the anxiety? I don’t allow myself to think about it, I let go and let God. I do not have to control anything, any more. Yes, I do feel anxious sometimes but not very often and not for too long.
Andrea, you can ask me anything. I may not always answer the question but I certainly don’t mind you asking. Am I sure that this is the man that makes me happy? No, I am not sure. I know that I have to make myself happy and except him for who he is. I can’t imagine me without intimacy either. It makes me very sad. Right now I need a hug from him so badly and I won’t ask for it. His family is not the hugging kind. Before H’s MLC, I would just ask for one. But, not now.
Oh, Debm, I just love it when you come to visit me. How are you girlfriend?!?!
I certainly do remember that you all have very few talks about that time or R in general. I am glad that you are able to bring stuff up though, when you need to. I hope I will get there soon.
I do wish I could be absolutely certain that the A is completely over but, I am just not. I have given my H space in the arena of intimacy, not much choice actually, because he sleeps outside in the studio.
Fortunately, H's relationship with the kids did not go down the tubes during his MLC. I think my D just stuffed it all. As a matter of fact she just had her birthday and was horrible, I mean horrible. I wonder if she isn't pulling from her 3 birthday's before last when things were so horrible. Only thing is she is focusing on me as the one that isn't coming through for her. Her anger at me is bringing up(for me) all the stuff I went through with H and how hurtful it was. I imagine I'm being a little cryptic. Just too tired to go into the details. Just suffice it to say, my D17 is being an incredibly ungrateful girl and I reacted by returning her gifts and she is now focusing on THAT instead of what she did. You know blaming and spewing venom. Though your H never really was very mean was he? Well, my H was and my D's behavior is bringing it home.
H has been supportive through it all. He hasn't made all the choices that I would like but all in all, he told her, in no uncertain terms, that she was to make it right with me and that he was disappointed in her. Before he would've used this opportunity to show that I was the devil woman.
Ah life goes on. Feeling a bit down about all this. I just don't feel so resiliant. Like my D has opened up the wound that H had made.
I hope I'm making sense.
Just trying to process it quickly and it's not happening. I guess I'm ready for another internal transformation within myself.
Kancha: Its horrible when our D (the person who we love more) depost their angry on us... i can remember when my h left home and my little D (10 years) began having horrible crisis, kicking me, saying me horrible things... affortunately my c helps me a lot dealing with this and i began going to a child c too who helps her a lot... My c always point me that my d deposit her angry on me because i am the one with whom she feel confortable and confidence to express his sadness, sadness that she convert in angry...!! My h never handle that crisis in the crrect way for me... he always questioned the way i handle her crisis... but i frgive that because i know it was his way to hurt me more during his angry phase...!!... So i can understand the sad you feel about this part of the whole turmoil...!!... and i am happy your h is helping you at least in your problem with your child..
