I have posted on staying solution focused but have gotton no response so I have decided to try it hear. Married almost 25 years. H moves out June 2001 (after advising me via, text message, no face to face) and is gone until March of 2002. All the while claiming the typical dont love you, never loved you, etc. Claimed he lived close to work and no OW. WE have two sons ages 22 and 17. Both were devestated. H disclosed in March he actually lived only 1 mile from us with a co-worker and her 14 yr son and they were a family. Came clean about 2 other affairs also. Said this all occurred because he is not physically attracted to me. (I am overweight but working on it) This new relationship was different because he finally felt what love was. Over next few months he waffled back and forth over what life he wanted and chose me and our sons. Has admitted it was originally for sons but has come to see things differently that he did during the months away. Has quit his job (25 years with post office and she is there) and has gone back to school to pursue teaching credential which is his lifelong dream. For the most part, I have tried to let go and just live. I find myself more and more dissatisfied with the facts that 1. He will not say ILY and 2. our sex life is slim to none (because he feels no desire for me due to the way I look). So after all of this long story, my question to those who have been here at this stage before, do I let him know how dissatisfied I am or do I just be patient and see what comes? Most S's that come home seem to be full of ILY's and intimacy from what I have read here, but nothing for me from my H. He says words are just words and he lied before and will never say the words again. He is very good in the "showing dept" and says he wouldnt be with me if he did not want to. He keeps saying he is not going anywhere but still I am so insecure. Any advice?
There is very little traffic in this forum. You will get the most exposure and responce if you post in the newcomers forum.
There are lots of old timers that read and post to the Newcomer forum. Many of whow have been successfull at repairing there marriages from circumstances similar to your own.
I will find and read your other threads and see if I can offer in thoughts.
I am so glad that your H has returned home. Don't rush away from this forum. Quite a few of us are dealing with rebuilding long-time marriages that got busted to smitherines and repairing the shattered trust.
Just recently topics such as depression, low libido, did I mention trust, and helpful books have been making the rounds.
Be welcome to glean from our threads here in piecing. Be welcome to vent if you feel the need.
I personally think that it sounds like your H had a full-blown midlife crisis in which the Replay involved ow. Here is a timeline for you if this is what you are dealing with these days.
Marriage = _______________# of years. Your marriage recovery will be approx 1 month for every year of marriage. You have got to be patient.
The fact that your H had an affair and broke his vows to you now thrusts you into your own midlife crisis. Remember that every step of your journey is YOUR journey. This is so hard for us to accept. It is our time to grow and make the changes that will make us our mature selves.
Ok---How long was the affair? Is it definitely done???? Every contact w ow is a set back in your Hs recovery.
Let's go with the idea that it is done. You have to allow your H time to recover from the addiction of the affair. I read that if your H had low testosterone, the affair may have made that level rise. "What goes up must come down." Expect his libido to plummet.
This next is so important. That libido is a touchy subject. Most of us get stung because this happens to our Hs after they break from the ow. We want our intimacy back right now! We get stung again if we get too pushy about the subject. I'd say just back off about the sex for awhile.
Ok, after x amount of months your Hs depression re the ow will begin to lift. He still has to deal w withdrawal.
Withdrawal from you, babe. This is the time when we have to focus on what brings each of us our personal warm fuzzies. We can't expect the hubbies to make us happy. . .they're still doing their unique journey's, remember.
Who knows how long the Journey of each MLCer will last??????? Each one of them was thrust into his journey by unresolved issues. Stressors such as sucky jobs, parental deaths, STRESS, can make it get started. Then they get angry and us wifey's catch the blame. Then they enter that stage called replay---lucky wifes that only have to deal w toys w motors. Remember that ows are a symptom of something not healthy; the men who travel down that deadend have to transverse the way back. Most of us have the heartbreak of ows triggering unanticipated trips for us <sigh>. These guys go in and out of the phases. Each one has to be completed and the main one is the one that comes to the fore. (With my H it is ANGER. He seemed to have gotten stuck in that phase. It was about 14 years before he reached the Replay phase.) Once you sense that your H is settling into his mature self you still have to hang tough. (My H seems to be heading toward the end of withdrawal. We have another 18 months of marrital recovery to deal w to rebuild our 28 year marriage).
My H used to love me with such passion. Now he aspires us to have a businesslike relationship which includes physical intimacy. He maintains that he does not love me. He hated my guts a year ago. Now he likes me, he likes me alot and he cares for me. Perception can change. Be patient.
All of us need to learn how to switch our brains off; compartmentalize, like our hubbies can do so well.
Debra, all of us here want you to heal. All of us have to find ways to help us reach a peaceful balance.
It's late, I'm tired. If you choose not to post here, check out MLC as well as Newcomer's. For some reason I always feel that the long term marriages are dealing w a MLC factor.
Lily covered it! Stay here in this topic, and also check out the Midlife Crisis board---you will be amazed to read your story over and over!
My H is back and gave up OW, but I'm in the same boat as you. No ILYs, he "cares" for me. At first said his effort was for our s's sake, but I realize now that's not the case. You should realize it, too.
That malarky about "NEVER" having loved you is just that---malarky he believes in order to justify what he did, which was abandon you! You'd be shocked at how many MLC men say those very same words! It's such a common symptom that I believe those words alone indicate MLC.
He never would've married you and stayed with you all those years if he didn't love you. He just can't be there for you now because he still has much to process. My c told me the same thing, i my H's presence.
Anyway, sorry you're in this situation, but so glad you made it here. I'm trying to lose weight, too...and, er, had my *last* hot fudge sundae tonight!!
I was trying to think if I was treating or MIStreating myself by eating it.
We must model to our H's we value ourselves and deserve good treatment...our job is to treat ourselves well!
Lily definately summed it all up. I love the word COMPARTMENTALIZE. That is soooo true of them and definately what we all need to learn.
My H's MLC was evidently long (a couple years of being miserable so he said) and he didn't drop "the bomb" until he couldn't take it anymore. (4/13/02). no PA, but definately an EA or two, although he didn't see his "friendships" in that way. ggrr! they are so dense sometimes. slowly as we talk he is seeing things from an outside perspective. our "healing" was sped up by a few events...backs of his "new friends" turned on him...work injury that was serious (burn) but could have been much worse or fatal...lack of familial involement and concern during accident and healing process.
And even though all those things opened his eyes, I still walk the eggshell path, not sure if I'm doing things right or saying the right things. My weight was one of HIS problems with me. I'm trying, but he works away from home 5 days a week, so doing everything and trying to cook and exercise properly on top of it all just isn't possible. I do have to have MY priorities too. I can be SUPER WOMAN but I definately do not possess SUPER POWERS.
Hang in there. Stay here. Visit MLC. You will see your story, you will see your fears. We all have our fears that rear their ugly heads. We try to read their actions. It's a hard road. I know my H and I are doing REALLY well, but there's still alot of work to be done and the people here help to clear your mind.
Thank you lilly, mary and glo (eric too for caring enough to let me know he read my story)
I think this may be where I belong. Lilly you gave me great advice and I am going to make patience my new mantra.He says (and I believe) he has no contact with OW, he even quit his job after 25 years to make sure. She lives in our small town and that makes me a little uncomfortable especially since I believe she moved here a few years ago to be close to him. (affair was EA for a couple of years and PA for a year) I will back off on the sex issue and the ILY issue and just be patient. I will act AS IF and go forward. It just sucks that we, the ones who have been so hurt have to continue being hurt and do all the work, or so it seems.
Thanks for the help. I hope you are all doing well.
