hey there, I know it's tough, despite what our mind knows, the "logical" things to do (detach, etc) our hearts ache, and are always a step behind our mind.
Hang in there)))) some days are better than others.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks for the encouragement Cat. Wow--cyber hugs feel almost as good as the real thing.
Here's my update on my sitch:
I think I’m finally getting what it means to detach. I’m getting better at consciously changing negative thoughts about H and our sitch. In some ways, it’s much less painful, this detaching thing.
I feel like we’re in limbo now, and I have no idea how long that will last, because the ball is definitely in his court. I’m doing my best to be open and supportive. I worry a little about doing this wrong, because I am a compulsively accommodating people-pleaser (always have been), and he can read me like a book. I’m not sure if or how I should change in that regard…wish I could read him so easily!
He is showing more affection now, and that feels great. I’m focusing on that instead of everything else that’s missing. I can’t analyze everything he says and does to death. It usually gets me nowhere anyway. So I’m choosing to just stay calm and be grateful for what I really do have. My prayer is that God will fill in the rest.
I wish I could keep the presence of mind to stop flying off the handle every time there is a bump in the road. I think that overall, I'm doing a good job of detaching, letting go, etc. But I do find my mind automatically jumping to the worst case scenario when something happens.
I am getting better at recognizing what is occuring, but need to improve my response times so that instead of going over all the terrible things that could be happening, I am consciously choosing to have faith and not fret. Life will be much simpler if I can master this.
I also have to let go of the fear that I'm turning a blind eye to major problems in our R. I'm not, just looking for new ways of positively addressing them as they appear.
After a rough weekend, H is distant again. Whether it’s emotionally, or he’s just too busy for me, I can’t say. I woke in the dark of the night feeling panic and frustration and fear that his current all-consuming project is just a way to keep himself away from me. Maybe it’s just the dark, but I’m having a hard time focusing on the positives. I’m trying to talk myself through them, but I can’t seem to get rid of the rock in my stomach. I am so tired.
I have not read all of your sitch so I am just going to focus on you. What have you done for yourself since all of this happened? Try getting out and doing somthing fun and entertaining so that you can take your mind off of the sitch. GAL is a very important part of the healing process. It gives you time away from all of the drama that we are all going through.
Take care and I can definitly feel your pain.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I'm working on the GAL thing. It gets a bit complicated with three little people, but H has been pretty good to help with them so I can go spend some time (about once every two weeks or so) with my friends, including a weekend "girls" trip, as well as another weekend away by myself so I could just read and think.
I've done a fair amount of "retail therapy", and while it feels good, it's time to slow down and pay for a few things ;-)
I started exercising faithfully every morning, 6 days a week, 3 months ago. I am feeling much stronger and better about myself--I wasn't in horrible shape when I started, but have dropped a couple of sizes and that feels very nice.
I have continued my involvement in our church organization, worked on organizing my home, studied up on everything I can think of to help me find the insight and guidance I need.
Unfortunately, right now H is spending every waking moment working on his hobby, so I can't easily take up any new activities that require leaving the kids. I'm thinking I'll plan one big activity to do with them each week leading up to Christmas--just to break the routine and have some fun.
Maybe tonight I'll take a bubblebath.
Anyway, thanks for asking. It was good for me to change my focus to things I am more in control of.
Quote: I'm thinking I'll plan one big activity to do with them each week leading up to Christmas--just to break the routine and have some fun.
That is a great Idea. I think you should do it. GAL does not mean that you have to go out with friends all of the time either. Remember this is about you and your Kids. Doing things with them is what gets me through some of my roughest days because I can see the smiles on their faces. Keep it up take that bubble bath tonight.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
I brought up the topic of our lack of communication with H when he stopped by last night. It turns out he tells me things, and I don't hear them...even with my "more focused" efforts of late.
I have got to learn to make my brain stop the constant processing of no less than 21 separate items, be in the moment and CONCENTRATE solely on what is being said...by him, by the kids, whomever I'm listening to.
A good thing though, we were able to talk about it without me bringing up anything past-related...I AM getting better at that one
Have you read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" yet? If not I would suggest it. It helps decifer the differences between the way women and men communicate. It is a good and easy read.
Glad to hear the bubble bath went well.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Think I should put the Mars/Venus book on the Christmas wish list H asked for yesterday? ;-)
Eh, kidding aside, I'll plan on making that my next read.
I am seeing more every day how much control I really do have over my emotions. I mean, I can't and shouldn't stuff my feelings, but I can choose whether I let them take over my experiences or not.
I heard a good analogy once: You can't help if a bird lands on your head, but you can make sure it doesn't build a nest there.
During my quiet-after-the-kids-are-in-bed time this evening, I was hit with a fearful thought...H could be telling me anything about his activities and be totally lying. He's very good at it. But I managed to beat it off, and focus on the fact that he is changing some big behaviors.
Obviously, he has some things to work out before he comes home again to stay. I am not totally convinced that he's working on any of his demons though. Sometimes I think he just plain likes being "single" and not having to deal with day-to-day living with us is freedom.
