this is a tough one, I found out about my H's A through snooping, he still holds a grudge that I invaded his privacy even though what he did was worse (he thinks it's a different kind of violation, my prying into his stuff.)
This is just me, but if I were in that position I'd let my S know I know, wouldnt' tell them how though.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Thanks for sharing your experience. I am leaning towards not telling her that I know. One of the toughest things I have ever had to do, but I am not sure that it will get me closer to my goal. One of the problems is the lack of trust we now have and as a result we are truly living in a decietfull relationship where nothing can be trusted. I guess we may have been here for a long time with me just realizing it now. It is amazing how I seem to be behind the curve on just about everything dealing with my wife. I will keep working on my PMA and GAL. This is definitly the only hope I have. Thanks for the input and please let me know what you thinking.
How have you dealt with the thought of protecting yourself and children and at the same time sit back as your wife choses to carry on with the A. I realize what I am talking about is boundries; however, it is a delicate issue that a wrestle with daily. If it was just me it would be easy; however, I believe one of the parents has to put the children's needs first. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had these same thoughts. Thanks
I am/was sort of like your wife. I know you are kind of leaning towards not telling her that you know of her plans, but...think about this:
Get into the conversation with her about the w/e, telling her you hope she has fun. Tell her that you know she is just going to see her friends...however...in your gut you "cannot help, but to feel, that she is going to visit with the OM". It's just how you feel...look her in the eye. She'll protest, let her, but just say...Okay.........
That way, she doesn't think, that you actually know for sure. Trust me, it will really put her w/e in a guilty spot.
One thing a cheater wants is to think that they have out- witted the S. She will feel horrible and will worry that you might know.
Quote: How have you dealt with the thought of protecting yourself and children and at the same time sit back as your wife choses to carry on with the A. I realize what I am talking about is boundries; however, it is a delicate issue that a wrestle with daily. If it was just me it would be easy; however, I believe one of the parents has to put the children's needs first. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had these same thoughts. Thanks
LORD YES!!! Just about every concious moment of every day since April when spouse announced her affair, followed by an announcement of all my shortcomings, followed by telling me that I'd better not try to take D7 "away" because spouse was "a good parent"
I struggle with "boundaries" vs "lines in the sand". I want to say "pick one, her or me and get on with it" and set a boundary BUT I know my spouse and that she does not react well to either/or options. I also know she is a person who will cut off her nose to spite her face...meaning if I say "go until you decide" and she goes, she will NOT come back because her pride will stand in her way. (gee I'm making her sound attractive aren't I?)I know my spouse doesn't really know what she wants because she has told me that repeatedly in words and actions. So: I try to get to this - I am making a choice to put up with her immature behavior for "X" amount of time and spare daughter so that if daughter has to live through a break up she only has to do it once. Plus with spouse in home I get more chances to DB. What you and I must do is find our PERSONAL boundaries and how to exercise them....suggestions?
I'm thinking about patroling mine with a baseball bat or building a long fence around my borders but...no wait, that's Mexico, not me...sorry. Humor, very sorry humor.
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
Good to hear someone else has these thoughts as well, it gets kind of lonely in my head. DBing is great in that it will focus on me becoming a happy person which should lead to knowing what I want in this R or a future R, the rub is that the two children our part of what I want in life and therefore make it difficult to set boundries, lines in the sand,etc. I understand that detaching is leaving behind the bad habits/traits that I did in the past and treating my W different. With that being said I have to be honest I am not sure I would put up with the hell I am in right now if it was not for the children. What I do not want to do is spin my wheels with the same obsessive behaiver that has some how taken over my mind and led me to this BB in the first place. In other words there is usually a way out of the forest and I catch myself not looking for the path. Every ounce of me wants to fight back; however, all this will accomplish is seperating myself from my wife and children. I am the father who is the provider and has been through our whole M. I am not viewed upon by the legal system as the parent that would win a custody battle. I need to run but I will follow up tommorrow
F_S, The first month or two of the sitch is really tough. You are trying to deal with a trauma that has been imposed on you and at the same time trying to figure out what to do! I was always thankful that my kids were there (as you are) because I would have walked too. Detachment is really hard in this initial stage. Just do your best cuz only when you are detached can you come up with a real plan to work towards saving your M. Expect to be a crazy man the weekend she goes away. Plan some stuff to keep yourself busy with the kids, friends, do something special for yourself but DON'T sit around thinking about what it probably happening, it's too emotionally crippling to do so. Try to think about how you are going to address the things you see as missing from your M. If you don't listen plan how you are going to change your listening skills, if you don't do anything together think of something you might do with your W, if you aren't romantic think of little things you can do to be romantic. I don't know if any of these examples are relevant to your sitch but, if not, I hope they help start you down the right thinking path here. The pain of betrayal is immense so feel it, manage it and think "what now?" I hope this helps.
Great suggestions. I did feel myself making progress last week with working on myself, detaching from the old behaiver which revolves around how I communicate with my wife. Unfortuntly I have started backsliding into that old communcation behaiver these past few days partly due to the fact that I know she is meeting this other guy and the fact that she is still lying to me. I am becoming the OM best friend with my actions and need to move back to DBing. I struggle with the fact that the main breakdown in our R was dishonesty, she had difficulty explaining to me in a way I would understand how she really felt. I had difficulty opening myself up to her which I realized with help from a C caused by abandonment and rejection issues, and in looking back I have not always been completly honest with her with what I thought were trival items. With all that being said a R is built on trust and honesty, two things that we do not have. She is lying about the upcomming weekend and I am not being honest by sharing the info I have. I want to move to the point that if we move forward that is OK and if we do not that is OK. I am ammazed at how much progress I have made as a person through this very painful process. I think I have heard if you are in HELL walk fast, lol. The children our my achiles heal. I believe that my W is still experencing postpartum depression and the OM has become the drug to get her through it. With that being said one of us has to do what is best for the children and that is me right now in our R. How do you protect the children when there are threats of taking them to a different state with OM that will leave his only child? Two people running away from life want to raise the children that we had together. It changes the dating game a little with the aspect of the two children. I did not marry or fall in love with her because I had to. I feel more presure when I look at their two faces and the fact that they are depending on me for their future. I know I am projecting; however, I made a commitment to them for life and I am having difficulty seeing how I can pick up and move and still be able to provide not only the standard of living they have become accustomed to, but just a basic standard of living. I wanted them to have what I did not growing up, which drove me to work long hours to provide this lifestyle. I apoligize for rambling; however, I thought it might help to understand my situation in my head. Attorney's push one direction, C pushes another direction, family and friends take sides and two children sit in the middle. What I would not do or give to remove them from the middle.
SRT thanks for checking in on me. My W was supposed to be gone today through the weekend. Last night she informed me that she had changed her mind and was not going. When I got home last night it looked as if she had been crying and asked if she was ok and if she had in fact been crying and she said she was fine and had not been crying. She did not tell me at that time that she had changed her mind regarding the trip, instead she waited until we were on our way to dinner to inform me. The last week leading up to the planned trip has been one of the most difficult so far. She has been questioning me on everything I do, looking through my wallet, phone, etc. She has even gone as far to check the bottom of my running shoes for grass and dirt to ensure that I in fact went running. Please keep in mind that I have never cheated on her and never will. I have responded that she is acting irrational and asked her what she was hiding given her strange behaiver. She of course said she is not hiding anything. She has said she does not trust me and I do not understand why unless she is just projecting her feelings on to me. I have nothing to hide; however, I get the feeling that she is hoping to find something to justify her actions. I also get the stange feeling that I am being followed at times; however, if that is the case it really is not a big deal because I really have nothing to hide. Last night we went to dinner with the kids and the youngest was tired and hungry and therefore was a challange during dinner. I took care of him and at the end my W gave me a regular kiss and thanked me for taking care of the youngest and after putting the kids to bed I gave her a massage; however, this morning before going to work it appeared that she was depressed again. I am going weekly to see a C and that is helping me look into a mirror and deal with past issues. I am trying to reframe and not look at this as a tragedy but instead as a blessing and I am focusing on a plan for me that includes GAL and detaching from the actions I want to change from the past. The children need to be a part of my GAL, leaving them at home for wife to take care of is not the answer. Any suggestions would be great regarding GAL and a plan. On a side note I also have a pain inside of me that started when my W dropped the bomb that she wanted a D that I have come to realize is being caused by me. I am trying to figure out how to deal with that pain and emptiness and questioning why I keep causing the pain when I obviously do not like it and I really do not see where it serves any great purpose. Thanks to all that are following my sitch and thanks in advance for suggestions you might have.
