I have posted a fairly long message on my first thread labeled new to the message board and I am feeling a little out of control with what I know today and was wondering what other people might think on the subject.
Brief summary, My wife dropped the Bomb in July that she wanted a D. We have two Sons ages 4.5 and 14 m. I found out in late July about OM, who is married with a 4m. I am living in the house and we were moving towards a S at her request; however, due to financial issues we have backed off. She had told me that she had stopped all contact with OM while we worked on our R. Funny her idea of work is that I make all the changes and she will determine if it is good enough. I made the mistake over the weekend of viewing her e-mail and finding out that she is planning on going out of town under the disguise of seeing her girlfriends to meet with OM.
I asked if she was communicating with other man in any way and if she had seen or would be seeing him and she looked straight at me and said no. I obvouisly know this is a lie which is hard to swallow, even after all that has gone on and I am having a tough time faking the excitement for her upcomming trip knowing that she will be the OM. I want to let her know that I know; however what would that accomplish. I have been working on GAL,PMA and understand that my relationship is gone and I can only control myself and need to stay focused on myself.
With all that being said I am having trouble acting as if. Please help with any insight any of you have regarding my delimina. Confused and not sure I can act as if for the next couple of weeks.
Well can't offer you much advice but just wanted to write you in support. Sorry you find yourself here and in this situation. My situation is very similar so I know what you are going through. Personally I confronted my W but it did little good and probably moved us closer to S and D.
At first I tried to believe the W...trust her again...but quickly found that in this situation you may think you know your W but do not believe a word she is saying because they are a different person and will lie without conscious. That was and is the most difficult thing for me...the bold faced lies...it was one thing to discover the affair...everyone makes mistakes...but then to look me in the eyes and lie over and over again...that is what really hurt.
I guess I am interested in what others say in your situation. When the spouse is on their walk away trip to fantasy land it seems there is little you can do stop it...seems only possible to get out of the way and give them space while they go on their ride...the advice you will likely get is to work on yourself...don't pressure your W...do 180s...get a life...no relationship talk...etc...and just hope she snaps out of it and decides to come back to you...while all of that seems nice, it is almost impossible to execute while the love of your life is running out of your life...I wish you luck and strength...you are in for some trying times.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Thank you for the support, and I agree that even though I want to confront her with the info that I have it will probably only push us closer to a S. She is living two lives, one as a stay at home mom with the kids and one with the OM. I am interested in hearing more of your story, you said that this moved you closer to a S and D. Where are you at now.
I am somewhat still in denial that my relationship with my wife is over and the effects this could have on my family. I realize that by the time I found this web site that my relationhip was dead, it is easier said than done. I only have one option and that is to focus on myself. Prior to the Bomb being dropped my life was made up of three things: my family, work and working out. I never realized that I was not meeting the emotional needs of my wife, I made the mistake of believing that routine equaled satisfaction. The hardest part about finding out that she is dishonest is the fact that I cannot understand why she would continue to lie, given everything she has told up until this point. She has stated that she is in love with someone else and that she does not love me anymore. (OUCH) I realize she just needs a friend right now, I am no longer her husband. In fact the more I act like her friend the better response I receive from her. It just hurts so bad to look at my kids and her and think about what might happen. I really hate the cards that I am holding right now and need help in making sure I play the hand I have been delt to the best of my abilty. I hate spending time in the past playing Monday morning quarterback, I see the mistakes I made and wonder why. I feel like a player who has been tackled in the feild of play and is having trouble standing back up. I have always been able to get back up in the past, why is this so hard do this time.
Very very similar situation. I am a good man...good provider...loyal...my W was a stay at home mom. One child S3. Much like you I went about our/my daily routine...went to work...did stuff as a family on the weekends. I too figured routine and no outward problems was a good thing...don't fix what is not broke. W had quit work when S3 was born...kind of a mutual decision...we were having fertility problems and we thought leaving the stress of her job would help...it did and our son was born. I make good money so there was no reason for her to go back to work...thought it would be best for our son if she raised him at home...the problem is I think she missed the adult interaction of work...got bored at home...unknown to me W was not happy in the marriage felt the passion was gone...got the line later "loves me but not in love with me" "had given up on the marriage 2 years ago", basically she was bored...we were not able to go out as often because of having a child...etc...
8 months ago she met a couple new girlfriends and started going out with them once or twice a month...actually I encouraged her to do this, was alright with it...I was happy she had found some friends...and I trusted her...why shouldn't I? We were married for 6 years...I felt we had a good relationship...we always got along...no fights or anything...I was still passionaltely in love with her...we still had a good sex life. She did not communicate that she was that unhappy.
Well my W is a very attractive lady...hanging out with her GFs she got a lot of male attention and found something she was missing. Ended up started emailing/IMing one guy and fell into an emotional affair...that likely turned physical a few months into it. I immediately noticed changes...she started dressing differently, stopped caring about keeping the house up, paid less attention to our S and me, started going out more often, started coming up with reasons she had to go out or stay out, got more confrontational...I kind of immediately knew something was up and I probably did the wrong thing in trying to suffocate her and make changes and figure out what was happenning.
Well I knew something was happenning...I had caught her in a few lies but she always had an excuse and denied everything. I started snooping...found phone calls to him...found some emails to him...but still no hard proof and even confronted with these facts still denied everything...just friends etc...she just likes hanging out with him sometimes etc...would lie directly to me. Finally I caught her and found semen in her underwear that I knew did not come from me and everything was out...still she would only admit to that one time/first time...and she said she would end it...did not really end it as they were still chatting...just being more secretive...she was VERY depressed...talked me into letting her see him again just as a friend...just for closure (I am a sucker)...I told her I just wanted honesty from her first and foremost...well she started seeing her "friend" as often as possible...I started monitoring her much more closely and found all of the dirty details...a lot of the history.
Once I found all of this I tried to DB for awhile but could not deal with her going out to see OM and made ultimatums...either me or him. I refused to live in the situation...was killing me. She decided to move out...actually she got her apartment yesterday and will be totally out Saturday. She claims it is not about OM...she just wants her freedom...she has never really been out on her own. She thinks that after a year on her own she will want to come back to me and be married again...I am moving towards divorce...I think there is so much damage I could never see her the same way again and never trust her.
At this point I am just grieving...she is leaving S3 with me so she can have total freedom (I am happy to have my S). I do not know what else to do except let her go. I have given up on her...still very hard some days but I need to accept reality.
You can read my entire sitch from the start in this thread...I was pretty much on this board from discovery of the A.
Good luck in your situation...if you need support just post away. I don't know how much help I am since I was not able to save my marriage...but at least I felt like I made the choice. I do think I would have done it much differently...if anything I would have been less of a blubbering needy idiot at the start and been more of a man and stood my ground but I think it is kind of a natural reaction. The funny thing is I think if I really DB-ed now I could win my wife back in a year (she has told me repeatedly this is what she wants)...but I don't think I want this anymore...I just want a clean as possible divorce...try to remain friends with her for S3s sake and move on with my life...start over with a clean slate with someone else.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
One difference is my W claims she is not in love with OM...she says she no longer trusts men and does not want any longterm relationships. If she wanted a relationship she would stay with me. She thinks men make a lot of promises up front and then get lazy. She wants that magical new love passion to last forever (simply does not happen)...has a very unrealistic view of longterm relationships. Just wants to be on her own. I kind of believe her because I know she is working on relationships with a few other men...so she is not even loyal to her OM and tells him they are not dating...just friends with benefits. She just wants to be single and have no other responsibilities in her life...live her life on her terms. She had a rough childhood...very religious stifling...got married when she was 18 to escape home...divorced him and was in a relationship with me within 3 months...so she really has never been out on her own...so I do understand her need for this but unfortunately screws me over in the process.
She actually still wants to date me...not sure how I feel about this? I really just want to remain friends with her but it is still hard because I do love her and if she feeds my ego and emotions it is very hard not to fall back into that trap. Makes it very hard because of our son and we will still spend a lot of time together for his sake. Our plan right now is to spend one day a week at each others place and swap weekends with him...still do some stuff as a family just so he can have at least a little bit of a normal childhood...he is still too young to comprehend what is happening...this is still the hardest thing for me is that he will not grow up with both of us in the same house in a healthy environment. If she eventually comes to me and tells me she want to be married again I am not sure how I will be able to handle it.
Personally I am going to counseling and that has helped me...plus posting on this board once in awhile...talking to friends. I hate being in this situation and am still going through a range of emotions...from denial...to anger..to depression...to grieving...to acceptance...a lot of ups and downs but I feel like I am getting better slowly...just a long way to go. Taking it a day at a time.
Hope my story helps...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Quote: She has stated that she is in love with someone else and that she does not love me anymore. (OUCH)
If you read around this is the most typical response that everyone gets from a WAS. They are currently in their own little fantasy world with no worries in the world. You sitch is so common to almost everyother sitch on this board including mine.
What you have to do now is to figure out what you want with your life. Do you want to save you M or not? I know my W continues to hide the fact that she is doing stuff with the OM because I believe she does not want to hurt me anymore than she already has. However, the story goes like this....IT IS NOT ABOUT THE OM. It is about what was lacking in your M that caused the seperation. The OM is just someone filling the needs that you and your W did not fill together. So first and foremost you need to forget about him and focus on what you want. Focus on how you were when she fell in love with you. What was it about you that made her so passionately in love with you that she decided to M you? Once you figure this out fix those things within yourself. You can not control what the WAS is going to do no matter how much you want to.
As far is why is this so hard. I and many others believe this is a lot harder than a death of a parent or a very close realitive. You just had everything you wanted walk away and the issue that makes this even harder is the reality that this person is still right in front of you.
One last thing I want to try and explain is that you need to start to process your feelings. How do you feel right now? What is it that you are afraid of and or scared of? If you do not process your feeling you will not be able to heal yourself. which is the first step to trying to save your marriage. Head off sitch and onto you.
There are a lot of very smart people here that will be willing to help that are alot further along the process than I am. All you have to do is keep posting and be honest about your sitch and you will make several friends that are all in the same boat. That is what the great thing about this BB is. We all feel your pain because we are all going through it.
Keep you Chin up and watch out for the zone blitz. It will come out of know where and set you back.
OSU
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Flying Solo, just remember to take everything she says with a grain of salt. What she believes today can change just as quickly tomorow. So, my advice is to take your time with this and make thought out choices based on what is best for you and your sitch. Don't let emotion take hold cuz it can make you do things you will regret (often right after you do them). She'll say she does not love you, the OM is her "soul mate", he understands her like noone else, she won't remember anything good in your M (my W says "I don't think I was ever really happy") but she'll remember every sh!tty little thing you have EVER done or said (I once said, "sorry I hurt your feelings 15 years ago, what else do you want me to say?"). It won't be fair or an accurate judgement on her part, it is all feeling right now BUT it is all based on something that was missing or has died in your M. Look for what was missing and start working on it. We all know feelings change through action. If you take action she must respond in some way, if you change the dynamic in your M, she must respond in some way whether she wants or expects to or not. Have thick skin, my friend and remember to take care of YOU, if you don't your sitch is sunk. I hope this was of some help. You've got a better shot than you probably think you do right now!
What you have to do now is to figure out what you want with your life. Do you want to save you M or not?
I want to save my M and have my children grow up in the same household with both their father and mother. I have done alot of soul searching trying to determine if this is out of need or love and being honest it is more love than need; however, there is a little of need in my desire to save my M.
So first and foremost you need to forget about him and focus on what you want. Focus on how you were when she fell in love with you. What was it about you that made her so passionately in love with you that she decided to M you?
Wife has convinced herself that she has found somebody that she had no idea existed in the world and he has shown her things that I am not even capable of from an emotional standpoint. He is caring, selfless, genuine, thoughtful and thinks of everyone else's needs before his own. WTF given he will leave his 4m old child and is being dishonest with his current wife. He works out of his home, his wife is the primary provider in the family, and he just started a new job in sales. She has been the one to share this info with me I have not wanted to find out about him because I agree that this is not about him it is about what was missing in our marriage and unfortuntly I was missing in the marriage. I was usually gone from 5:30-7am and 8am until 7-7:30 with occasional Sat. work from 8am - 12pm. I would however get up with the kids at night and put them to bed which at times required walking the baby until he fell asleep which could last anywhere from 1-2 hours. This last year was hell and I was living off of 5 hours of sleep; however, I new there was an end in sight and we could get through it. Financially everything came together, unfortuntly at a very heavy price given my wife's present attitude.
One last thing I want to try and explain is that you need to start to process your feelings. How do you feel right now? What is it that you are afraid of and or scared of?
I am scared of losing my children, she has already stated she wants to marry OM and live with him in another State which is 10 hours away. I am scared that we are going to lose everything we worked for financially for the past ten years. I am non-family member in an all family buisness that has stated they will remove me if we S. Finally I am scared that I will lose myself in this whole process, that I will stay in some form of denial and not be the person I am capable of being.
SRTogacihC
thank you for summarizing your sitch. I try to imagine that when I said my vows for better or worse this is what I signed up for. You sound very similiar to me, both my wife and I made the decision for her to stay at home with the kids. He$$ I loved taking care of the kids on the weekend and think in some ways I wish I could have stayed home. I saw that it was difficult on her and encourged and helped dabble in real estate before the second child was born. Unfortuntly with 2 kids and no family I was not smart enough to hire help, I was more concerned with saving money for investment or future attorney's lol. She became depressed and being the smart guy I thought I was I encourged her to work threw it with me. What I did not realize was that we had OM in our R and that I can not solve all the problems; therefore now wife and OM have determined that the depression must have been a result of me. She is happy when she is talking with him or with him, who know's and not with me. I told my wife if she is not happy and wants to be with OM to go and leave the kids with me. Unfortuntly she got mad and wants both kids with her and there in lies our problem. We both love our children and want to be with them. I have been trying to take the high road and keep their needs first in my mind even if that means I do not get to see them very often.
My wife has been showing me more affection lately which may be stringing me along given she has a weekend getaway planned with OM that she believes I do not know about. Again it really does not matter what she does, this is about me controling what I can control which is myself. I have made a decision to stay and fight for my family and unfortuntly there is more pain than I can imagine with that decision.
Thank you both for your words, it really helps to write about this with all of you as opposed to screwing up and talking about it with my wife.
Good luck in your quest and keep posting on here...it is going to be a long tough journey. I respect your decision to stay and work on things...I think one reason it was easy for me to give up on my situation is my W choosing to leave our child with me...if she was threatening to take my S to another state I think I also would have chose a different path.
Does anyone think he should try and stop his wifes trip? This is a tough question...if he confronts her on it...it will likely escalate the situation...if he lets her go she just gets closer and closer to OM. WAW/A seem to hate to be cornered or feel pressure from the LBS and invariably do just the opposite of what is pressured.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
whatisis That is some good advice, tell me what you think of this:
I beleive that what I need to do is just focus on the decisions I make for myself and how I want to live my life in the household with her. i.e. If I want to do something special for her, I should do it and not expect any kind of response back from her. I should invite her to join me and the kids and if she does not want to I should go without her. One of my problems is that she is being nice to me lately due to the fact that she has this upcomming getaway planned, again however that should not matter if I am focused on myself.
The other issue is everyone I know tells me to protect myself, hire the PI and get the proof of what is happening. I do not want to fire off the shot that sends us in a differnet direction and these people care about me and are not in my shoes. Trying to decide if I move to that level with attorney's and PI's because it clearly does not accomplish what I want to accomplish in the end; however, I do not want to wind up bitter, broke with no way to see my children.
