ok, I have talked to Dottie (DB coach) and each time she tells me this is a "positive" situation. This week she told me there was more good than bad in the current happenings. ie: Spouse still living at home Spouse indicating great interest in family events Spouse spending less regularly scheduled time with OW Spouse repeatedly says "I'd change this if I could" (pardon me for not screaming "who the hell do you think CAN change this? WTF?)
However when it gets down to the nuts and bolts and she puts on her shoes and says "I'm going now" and I ask "when will you be back" and the answer is "in the morning" I am somehow unable to see the positives. Somehow unable to get beyond how thoughtless and f***ing gutless this is on her part. Somehow unable to see what the hell my next move should be except to walk around the house wailing.
Is this like the old joke where the kid enters the barn full of horse $hit and just "knows there a pony in there somewhere"?
I feel so totally unable to do/take any more. Maybe it's a phase of the moon or maybe it's reality. I no longer know. Observations? Words of wisedom? Funiture polish, Whatisis? HELP ME BEFORE I DIE! (yeah, it's dramatic but it's how I feel)
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
Sometimes when we see hope it seems all the more hopeless (aren't you glad I stopped by ). I know myself when positive things started to happen I began to expect more positive things and when they didn't come I got depressed and hopeless. We are in similar sitch's, you and I, and what I am finding is that I have to find myself and put aside what my looney tunes W is doing. That is starting to pick me up. I CAN'T allow her every mood and night out with OW to drive me nuts, I just won't allow that! I must be willing to let go and recognize that it may never come back if I have any hope of starting anew, with or without my W. One thing I've been thinking lately is that although nothing in this world is permanent and I can't control much of anything, I can control who I choose to love. No one can take that away from me, that is entirely up to me. I choose to love or not to love. She can't make me stop loving her. Maybe that's all there is but it has to be enough for now. Do something for you right now and really try to look for whatever good that can possibly come out of what is happening to you. How is this making you a better, stronger, more loving person? Somehow, somewhere you will come out of this on top. Well, that's enough of my non-sensical ramblings for one evening. I hope somewhere in there you find something of value. If not, just know I'm thinking of you, furniture must stick together. P.S. Maybe if we both just let go of hope that is when the good stuff will happen. The harder we hold on the harder they seem to resist.
thanks dude. It just hurts and it's crap and I'm sad and lonely and I miss my life. Or at least what I thought was my life.
My parents used to have this little plaque with a story about a guy sadly walking along when a little voice said "cheer up-things could be worse." It ends with "so I cheered up and sure enough, things got worse".
sometimes it makes me laugh. Hope dance lessons make you feel better!
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
It's obvious you love your wife; you need to show that love and that side ALWAYS right now, that you support her and her decisions. Be helpful with her choices.
Be a happy, positive, confident guy.
Be there for her when she needs it and when she asks.
Don’t try to ‘fix’ things, listen and validate.
I know it hurts like He!!, but her going out all night lets her miss you and think about the great guy that you are. Be the best that can be, become and stick with being the greatest guy on the planet to her. Do it for yourself. Let her be an adult and make her own mistakes without judgments, just support her . I know it will be hard, but be her BEST friend. ‘Act as if’.
It may take weeks, months, years. Follow the DB book and be the best person you can be, to everyone!
And the joy continues. Flashback to 8pm last night: last sound spouse hears as she leaves is my crying. Probably heard it long after she was out of earshot.
Cut to this morning: phone rings in "our" home. It is spouse "just checking in". (how nice) We discuss a medical problem I have been having and when I quote too many details the NURSE, my partner, gets grossed out and dosen't want to hear about it because these sorts of things "always upset" her when they are about me. Get that? The NURSE can't stand the sight of MY BLOOD. "It's different when it's you! You know how I am!"
potential replies: 1)yes, I DO know how you are. Mentally ill, gutless and blind just to name a few 2) so my blood bothers you but ripping my heart out doesn't phase you? 3) I have to go spit up some more blood now 4) What the F is wrong with you?
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....so many choices. I chose 5)"that's sweet" and began to cry on my end but not so she'd know.
Could someone please tell me when to yell "side out" in this ping pong game that has become my life? Just rhetorical but feel free to comment. Or give concrete examples of things you have said at CRAZY moments like this.
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
MTH, the problem is that she is controlling your feelings or rather you are allowing her to do so. I know what it is like wanting your S to say the right thing and, guess what, it doesn't happen! So, you choose to be good to yourself or you choose to wallow in the unfairness of the sitch. It is unfair, no doubt! We still somehow expect these people to be fair and loving to us yet these are the same people who decided the R was over (forgetting to tell us) and who decided to step out on us and violate the most sacred vow they have ever taken. What kind of idiots expect them to be "fair" and "loving" in that kind of headspace!!! It's time to STOP giving her so much power, MTH. You must be for you now cuz if you aren't how can you expect your mate to be? Your S isn't gonna come back to a crying, depressed and angry you (although you do have a sharp, sharp wit ) What have you done to GAL lately? Let me know, I'd love to hear more about the new and amazing YOU! And if you haven't been, think about what you will do as of now. I do know your pain MTH, this piece of furniture has had the paint stripped off many times too!
Sorry about your sitch, but in time, one way or another things will get better. Try not to focus on what you think she is doing and more on what you can do for yourself. It is hard, that's part of learning.
Whatisis, gave good advice...btw, I have seen a change in him over the last few weeks; good job Whatisis.
MTH, think of this as a vacation from the W; go out with friends, family etc. Do some things that you want to do. Keep busy...
Anytime you need to vent, do it here. We'll pull you through.
Whenever she's going out make plans to go out to. Start hanging out with friends. Heck, start going out even when she's there! You need to concentrate on your life, start doing fun things.
That way, regardless of where your marriage goes you'll be prepared.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
and now for an opinion/clarification post: My DB coach told me I was "intellectualizing" my reactions and needed to show some more emotion/pain to my partner. But I understand the premise of not looking like a snot nosed wimp to the spouse. (Who wants to come back to that?) And no R talk is also essential. Hmmmmmm....how exactly might I convey that emotion/pain? No tears, no talk, I feel kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Opinions?
And honest to god what DO you say to "I'm going out and will be out all night"?
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
A little corny, perhaps, but how about finding yourself a nice book with a title that mentions something (in bold lettering)about learning to heal your pain or something like that. Yes, it is a prop but so what. Leave lying around and be sure to read it when she is around, but not too obviously. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Ask Dottie if leaving Michele's books lying around where they just *might* be discovered would be a good way to let her know that you do care very much about this and are working on it.
She can't stand to hear about your physical problems because she doesn't like for you to be in pain which means that she DOES care for you very much even though she is screwing around on you. That means that you have one MORE advantage over little Mr.Adulterer in addition to the fact that she lives with YOU, and she has a history with YOU, she calls YOU in the morning from whereabouts unknown, yet probably guessable and how the heck must that make the ol' OM feel. Ha! She is playing games with you and you have got to find ways to block her moves in a positive way that will be to the benefit of you both and she must be able to readily see this. GAL,PMA,ETC...
I wonder, do you have a friend that you talk to on the phone at just the right time when she might over hear bits of the conversation about how you are hurting but respect her feelings, or something like that?
Keep at it- the positives are still there although they are probably obscure for you at times.
Oh, & to the last question: how about a smile (no smirking!) and "I'll see you in the morning then"... and go back to your book, tv, whatever activity you were doing.
Good Luck .
S
). I know myself when positive things started to happen I began to expect more positive things and when they didn't come I got depressed and hopeless. We are in similar sitch's, you and I, and what I am finding is that I have to find myself and put aside what my looney tunes W is doing. That is starting to pick me up. I CAN'T allow her every mood and night out with OW to drive me nuts, I just won't allow that! I must be willing to let go and recognize that it may never come back if I have any hope of starting anew, with or without my W. One thing I've been thinking lately is that although nothing in this world is permanent and I can't control much of anything, I can control who I choose to love. No one can take that away from me, that is entirely up to me. I choose to love or not to love. She can't make me stop loving her. Maybe that's all there is but it has to be enough for now. Do something for you right now and really try to look for whatever good that can possibly come out of what is happening to you. How is this making you a better, stronger, more loving person? Somehow, somewhere you will come out of this on top. Well, that's enough of my non-sensical ramblings for one evening. I hope somewhere in there you find something of value. If not, just know I'm thinking of you, furniture must stick together.
) What have you done to GAL lately? Let me know, I'd love to hear more about the new and amazing YOU! And if you haven't been, think about what you will do as of now. I do know your pain MTH, this piece of furniture has had the paint stripped off many times too! 