Well, I had to pull out the stick the other day and set some boundaries...H was really on the kids' cases in an overbearing way, and then was patronizing/angry towards me. I called him on his behavior, but the cool thing was, I was then able to drop it and return to neutrality. This felt so healthy...normally I would just withdraw or stay in angry mode myself. He tried to guilt me for setting a limit but I held my ground, and because I bounced back to myself rather quickly, H began to look at himself...and he apologized! Again,this is huge... normally if I call him on something he'll get all defensive, and I will just simmer and brew, and there will be all this distance with no resolution. Anyway, we were able to talk, and what came out was that he felt he was escalating because he felt I was being too lax with the kids and he felt unsupported. This was also cool because normally he can't pinpoint what lead to his out of control behavior because he's too busy denying it. So we reaffirmed our team approach to handling the kids ( just LOVE the teen yrs) and got back to lovey mode.
The lovemaking has been great...very close..I have come such a long way from when I first started posting here, when my sex drive was amped up from my fantasy world and I wanted H to cooperate. He felt too much distance, but bit by bit we have worked up to a more loving and respecful relationship. We still have a lot of setbacks, the old ways return, but hopefully we will get through. I also feel we have a ways to go...there's more love now, but I'd like to move to a place where there's more play and fun and teasing, what Lil and Blackfoot describe.
Oh and this is for you Jenny, H and I were ML, and I was having this imagery of dangling appetizing carrots!
Things have been going along quite nicely, probably due the fact that I have been relatively LD and able to just go with the flow. H has been initiating regularly, every other or every third day: I sense he has more confidence that he can take his body from 0 to 60 mph in small increments and will eventually get there. He has shown this pattern of desire first and then arousal. He went as far as whispering some dirty things to me while at a family dinner over the weekend. I miss my own tingles and wonder when they will return...my body does respond when he initiates, which feels good.
My main problem right now is that I can't seem to differentiate on the point that my H never gets to 30 mph, much less 60, before initiating. I know that if he were phsycially aroused prior to our intermingling it would majorly turn me on ( Light bulb: maybe this is why I am LD). I still want the validation or maybe the drama/excitement of visibly seeing his desire for me...it's most likely the validation. But it just doesn't seem to work that way for him/us. My feeling is there probably is too much water under the bridge for him to feel such outright desire...so I am back to accepting. We're doing good so I just have to say calm, but underneath I feel I am vulnerable to some new, exciting type of male interaction.
Quote: My feeling is there probably is too much water under the bridge for him to feel such outright desire...so I am back to accepting. We're doing good so I just have to say calm, but underneath I feel I am vulnerable to some new, exciting type of male interaction.
You know that I feel some sort of psychic kinship with your H ( he is actually sort of my mentor on how to make a LD Type 4 into a HD Type 4) so here's my take on the matter. I think you may be right. You rejected him too much in the past either outright or by making it clear that you would be more turned on if he behaved sexually in a way that isn't natural for him (more dark than light). Also, he has learned that you become more HD when he does reject you. If he is like me, he probably senses your vulnerability or desire for something more exciting and is telling himself something along the lines of "That's her problem. If that's what she needs to get turned on I wish her luck in finding lots of mysterious strangers in dark alleys". I say this because in my current rather avoidant state, I get the feeling that my H might turn back to his porn habit or leave me for a beautiful crack-addict (LOL)rather than choosing to pursue me and it no longer inspires a spark of jealousy in me. However, I wouldn't say that this has anything to do with how much I love him. It has more to do with me being a little more cognizant of my own value and a little more empathetic about his particular need for validation/sexual dysfunction. If you recognize the fact that your H might have mirror-image fantasies along the lines of wishing that you were more of an assertive "jolly" f*ck who could just get turned on at the sight of his biceps as he happily chops the firewood then you might get more turned on yourself. Of course there must be some opposite rule that would work for me but I haven't figured it out yet. Please tell your H to give me that info once he has.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have always felt there was some link between drive and aggression, which in turn related in part to anger. But I think this may really be due more to who is doing the pursuing. Both of you now say you have moved more to an LD state and are letting your Hs do the initiating. I am thinking that since you do not have to “obsess,” or at least concern yourself, with making the next initiation, you can turn your attention to other things. Those things are probably not sexual and you are not thinking about sex.
But when you did the initiating, sex was foremost on your mind. The frustration of not knowing when you could initiate or if it would be successful meant you were always thinking about it. I know that is so for me. And because you were always thinking about it, your body was always primed and ready to go. Not “obsessing” about it means you are not constantly primed. I don’t think this means there is anything wrong with your body, you are just in a different mindset now.
I think that is an excellent observation. I, too, have been mysteriously LD but then I recognize that I have been very mentally preoccupied with my health/baby's health concerns. If H were in a mind to initiate I could easily comply, get turned on etc... but I am just not feeling like driving the car -KWIM?
I hope I didn't come across as too harsh in the above post. Here's my take on the Type 4 in a relationship. What the Type 4 (the artist) seeks in a relationship is either a patron or a muse. Somebody to provide the "clean well-lit space" or somebody to provide the inspiration. A very high-functioning Type 4 would be able to perform these functions for him or herself. Both you and your H do a better job at being a patron than at being a muse for you. That is why your marriage is more successful than your sex life. If your H tried to be more of a muse without improving his overall functioning he would naturally become less of a patron. You would feel more turned-on but less cared for in your relationship.
To give an overly simplistic example in my marriage. If I tried to be more of a muse by losing weight (improving my aesthetic appeal)but didn't improve my overall functioning and let the housework go to h*ll (literally not providing the clean, well-lit space) my H would want to have sex with me more but would want to live with me less.
Here is my point. Since I think you recognize the fact that your H is a good patron, you need to work at being more of your own muse. Reading erotica in order to get turned on would be sort of a direct current way to do this but I think it would also work if you were to spend more time actually pursuing some sort of artistic expression. For instance, the high you might get off of your Tuesday night sculpture class might put you in a space where you could connect better sexually with your H. Another overly simplistic example of this from my marriage would be that if I hear my H vacuuming in the bedroom (being his own patron) than I might anticipate some ho-hum husbandly sex. If I hear my H playing the piano (finding his own muse), I might anticipate something a little hotter.(Of course, no sound coming from the bedroom signals a Type 4 bedridden funk from which no possible sex can arise.)
I just wish I was self-aware enough to figure out what the Type 7 equivalents of the "patron" and the "muse" would be. I think one might be the hard-working "handyman" who finishes my projects for me (Hank chopping wood?)(the guy who makes me say "Gee, thanks!), maybe the other is the "candyman" who fulfills my oral fixation? (Hank's biceps swelling visibly as he chops the wood?)(the guy who makes me say "Yum.Gimme!')(LOL at my own pathetic Type 7ishness).
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: have always felt there was some link between drive and aggression, which in turn related in part to anger. But I think this may really be due more to who is doing the pursuing.
I think it's all related. If my H were to not initiate any time soon I would probably become angry BECAUSE I would feel like I had to initiate sex and he was forcing me back into the role of pursuer. However, the fact that I am aware of this natural tendency in myself lets me put the brakes on this reaction. I remember that nobody can "force" me into the pursuer mode except myself. I am free to choose.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
If my H were to not initiate any time soon I would probably become angry BECAUSE I would feel like I had to initiate sex and he was forcing me back into the role of pursuer.
There is nothing like anger to really cause a person to focus. Even the most ADD person can get laser sharp concentration about what makes him/her angry. If this is about sex, then it would make sense that the pup is always primed.
However, the fact that I am aware of this natural tendency in myself lets me put the brakes on this reaction. I remember that nobody can "force" me into the pursuer mode except myself. I am free to choose.
I agree that you can choose whether to be the pursuer or not, but it is a lot tougher to control whether to THINK about being the pursuer or not. You will feel what you feel, no matter how you may try. As long as you think you should be the pursuer, thoughts about sex will creep in, and so the pump will prime, even if you consciously choose not to do anything about it.
Throw that responsibility out the window and therefore all thoughts about sex, and the drive will diminish, at least to a point.
I don't think it's anger that makes me more HD...it's more about anxiety/insecurity, which, in either case, stems from rejection. The way to make IHJ HD in a long term relationship? No longer care. After 4 yrs of working on this marriage project ( and 2.5 yrs sharing all this here with you guys), I do not want to go down that rejection road again.
My H still projects the " I don't care" stuff, but I can sense now it's in a more differentiated way, like " I know I'm doing the responsible thing here and what I'm doing is fine." There is something sexy to this, even though I won't be swinging on chandeliers anytime soon...maybe that's what I can focus on,H's more confident attitude, although I am sure he'd much prefer the biceps compliments.
