I was a little reticent to post your very first post. I know that sometimes, when I revisit my old feelings, they come back with full force.
But you're so positive lately, and it really seems that not only you've "gotten over it", but your H has too. He doesn't seem to be setting himself up as a punching bag anymore.
I don't think you were ever naive. Lack of knowledge about what was going on isn't the same thing.
It's really funny about the bond we feel towards each other. And yeah. It's wierd that we can't share that bond with our "real" friends.
Gosh, it seems like a long time since I posted on my own thread. I've been so busy lately, and things are going so well on the home front that I just haven't gotten around to it.
Re: the "anniversary," it was pretty much a non-event. I did bring it up. As expected, H would have never thought about the significance of that day. He just "wants to forget it ever happened." We did talk a little. There were a few things that were troubling me re the EA. So, we did talk a little about that, and now I can put that episode to rest. The only time it will ever be mentioned again will be in counseling.
Speaking of counseling, the C thinks my H may be bipolar (mild form), which would account for his distorted thought processes. He referred H to a psychiatrist for more evaluation and medication. H went there today. The doctor started him on Wellbutrin -- said he needs to see him a few more times before he can accurately diagnosis him, but did say H definiately has ADD! Now, THAT explains a lot of things (he can't ever sit still and he's always interrupting people).
My healing has been rather miraculous, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm not completely out of the woods, yet, but the progress I've made in the past 2 months compared to the entire preceeding 10 months is amazing.
I think it's partly due to the fact that my H is finally "coming home," so to speak. The awful fog of confusion that he has lived in for the past 2 years has lifted and he is make headway in his own healing process. He is so much more available to me now. He is totally committed to me and our M. I know he is still afraid of the future, still afraid that I will come to my senses and throw him out, but I see that fear lessen each day. He still says that HE will never get over what he's done, and I imagine that is probably true to a certain extent. But, in reality, he is getting over it. I can see it even if he can't. Of course, I don't know what he's feeling inside, but his actions are so completely different now than they were two months ago. Yes, I think he's really starting to get a grip on things (and hopefully the medication and the C'ing will help also).
I think it's also partly due to the fact that after discovering the EA I KNEW I could let him go if I had to. I think he understood that, also. I think that scared the hell out of him.
An interesting thing happened the other day. We were in the car heading to our S's football game. My GF called and wanted to know where we were -- they were already at the game waiting for us. Later I told my H I had been tempted to tell GF that we were seeing our divorce lawyer just to get a reaction out of her (she's the one GF who knows of our sitch). I laughed. I thought it would have been funny. Then I asked H if he'd ever really thought about divorcing me. Well, you should've seen the look on his face! His reply was, "Absolutely not. I couldn't stand the thought of divorce. It was never an option for me."
So I asked him, "Well, then how did you expect to be free of me in order to have a future with **** (the EA)? Were you planning to knock me off?" (LOL). He said, "That's why it's all so stupid and embarassing. I don't have a clue what I was thinking." And, you know what, I think I'm beginning to believe that. It was all borne out of distorted thinking patterns from whatever mood disorder they finally decide to tag him with. Don't get me wrong. I'm not totally letting him off the hook. After all, he did still have reasoning powers to discern between right and wrong, but from what I've read about these mood disorders his thinking process may have been really inappropriate.
So, that's where things are at this point in time. I've made leaps and bounds in my healing process. My H is just beginning his, but at least he's finally beginning it!! We are closer and more affectionate with each other than we have been in many years. I think we are more in the process of rebuilding than piecing. I'm feeling in-love again. I'm seeing the signs of my H being "in-love" with me again. There was a time, just a very short while ago, when I never thought I'd be saying these things.
A friend (who doesn't know my sitch) said to me the other day, "The harder the fall, the higher the bounce back up." Something for us all to keep in mind.
MATTIE!!!! Sounds like you and your H are well on the way to a happier,brighter,more loving and stronger R!!!! I couldn't be happier for you!!!! You just sound upbeat and so much happier when you post now!! Glad things went well when you brought up the anniversary. Sounds like your H is really trying to forget about the OW and is doing a good job. Isn't it amazing how the ones who cheat usually forget things a lot quicker that the person cheated on? Wish I had my H's ability to decide to forget something or someone,just never talk about it or them again and forget about it!! Here I am over a year and a half after the mess and still having crazy thoughts (not nearly as often but they still pop up ocassionally) !! But at least the memories are dimming more all the time!! Continued success to you and to your H!! I will keep the thoughts and prayers coming!! Your Friend, Pat
Mattie-MyH has been so distant lately and I just talked to him and he said he felt TRAPPED! He was wishy washy about wether he even loved me or not. He said I've been with you for 320 yrs, I'll always love you. I asked him if it had anything to do with he OW, and asked him if he loved her. He said no-He only though opf her sometimes if we are not getting along or fighting. I'm so afraiod he is goingto want to move out again! What canI do??? Rachael
I wonder if they really "forget"? I think what happens is that when a memory is triggered they are just better able at pushing it out of their minds because they don't want to feel the pain. For me, I know I will think about it occasionally for the rest of my life. How can I not? This was the most disillusioning, life-altering, painful experience of my life thus far.
I do believe I've learned a lot and grown a lot through all of this, but I would rather have done all that a different way .
I went on a women's retreat this past weekend. What an extremely uplifting event that was. The night before I left, my H asked me if I was going to be worried about him over the weekend! You know what, that small statement made me realize that he really does understand at least a bit about what I've been through -- and he cares. I told him I was not worried in the least. I think that made him feel pretty good.
The retreat was by a beautiful lake up in the High Sierra's, so I knew I wasn't going to have service on my cell. I mentioned that to my H and he said, "Well, they'll have a pay phone, won't they?" He was letting me know that he wanted me to contact him over the weekend. We'd been on the road for a couple of hours when he called my cell just to find out where we were and if we were okay (there were 8 ladies with all of our junk piled into a suburban!). When I got home Sunday evening, he had dinner waiting for me.
My son's girlfriend's mother ( ) invited me on this retreat. She knows my sitch. After the blow-up in July, my son needed to be comforted by his GF, and her parents naturally got involved. I was very grateful for the support they gave my son. Anyway, I haven't laughed so hard and for so long (days) in years. It was so much fun. I also felt that once again I was meant to be at that particular retreat. On Sat. night the speaker came up and said that at the last minute she had decided to change her talk. She felt God was telling her there was at least one person in the audience who really needed to hear the message she was about to give. Honestly, when she said that I could swear she was looking right at me. The message was about overcoming disappointment and anger -- in God and in life relationships. Wow.
I wish I could share some of what she spoke about here, but it would take too much time. It just seemed to me that everything she spoke about over the weekend had a direct impact on me. I was meant to be there. That is very clear to me.
Just as an aside, this morning H said something about this past weekend and that he felt he couldn't even go to the movies because of what I'd think if he wasn't there to answer the phone! I knew it was his way of telling me that he hadn't wanted to put me through any unnecessary anxiety. I also knew that, again, he was letting me know that how I feel is important to him. The way he said it was almost in an "You don't trust me" tone. Now, I could have said, "Well, I have every reason in the world to not trust you," but I didn't. I didn't feel the need to state the obvious. He seemed kinda surprised by that -- kept looking at me for a reaction. I just kissed him bye.
Quoting matilda: My healing has been rather miraculous, if I do say so myself. Now, I'm not completely out of the woods, yet, but the progress I've made in the past 2 months compared to the entire preceeding 10 months is amazing.
I’m amazed, Mattie. You are truly amazing!
Quoting matilda: He said, "That's why it's all so stupid and embarassing. I don't have a clue what I was thinking." And, you know what, I think I'm beginning to believe that.
Believe it, Mattie. I seem to recall posting this to you. I wouldn’t necessarily chalk it up to bipolar disorder, but whatever it was, his thinking was messed up. No-one can dispute that. He’ll never be able to explain why he did what he did. Not to you, and not to himself.
Quoting matilda: So, that's where things are at this point in time. I've made leaps and bounds in my healing process. My H is just beginning his, but at least he's finally beginning it!! We are closer and more affectionate with each other than we have been in many years. I think we are more in the process of rebuilding than piecing. I'm feeling in-love again. I'm seeing the signs of my H being "in-love" with me again. There was a time, just a very short while ago, when I never thought I'd be saying these things.
In the long run, it’s all about feelings, isn’t it Mattie. Your first thread was about “getting over” some feelings. Man oh man! You’ve done that and more!
And you’re seeing signs that your H is in love with you. The feelings start before the signs show up, Mattie. This is great!
HEY MATTIE!!!! You have been on my mind a lot lately!! Haven't heard from you since this post. Hope things are still going as well as they seemed to be when you last posted!!
Things are still moving right along here. Still have my moments when the unhappy thing pops into my head but I am doing ok controlling it. Believe I am really trusting my H more and hope that continues to get better and better (and it should as long as he doesn't do something to screw it up!). He is really working hard these days and is so tired and sometimes so stressed out but I am here for him and he knows that I always will be and he lets me know how much he appreciates me not nagging,bitching,fussing or getting upset when his hours change or he has to work late (like I used to do). We are really hoping to get away together for just a couple of days before Christmas but that will depend on work. We both need to!! But I am happy to report that we are really happy,things are going really great for us and our love and our M is strong!!
I come here and check up on everyone every day even though I don't always post. If I feel I might be of some help or comfort I will post. But since it has been awhile since I have seen anything from you I was concerned (but had hope in my heart that things were good). If you get a minute please let us hear from you!! Your friend, Pat the pfroglady
Hi, Pat. Thanks for thinking about me. I, like you, hang out here and try to help out once in a while, but I just haven't had much time to post. Actually, I've been wanting to start a new thread to post basically the end of my saga. Of course, we're still working at this -- but the wonderful thing is, now we're working TOGETHER to piece back our M.
So, in answer to your question, YES, YES, YES things are going very well indeed with us. I still find it hard to believe that just 3 months ago I felt it was all over. I continue to feel such joy and happiness I sometimes wonder if the past two years was all just a horrible nightmare. Sort of like the famous "shower scene" in Dallas when Bobby "came back from the dead." Remember, it had all just been a horrible nightmare. Well, unfortinately, I know the past two years were real, but the love my H and I are experiencing now -- and is continue to grow each and every day -- is must a miracle.
I do have moments when my thoughts start to overwhelm me, but I am doing great at being able to push those thoughts away. All I have to do is look into my H's eyes and see the love there! He's calling me "babe" (I know Montana is probably gone and won't read this, but if you're out there Andy, you'll remember when I was boo-hooing over wanting my H to call me "babe" again.), and
Sweetheart," etc. He tells me how sweet I am!! (Who me?) He works from home now at least 2 days a week. He says he really likes being with me and hates going into the office!! We spend most evenings curled up together on the couch watching t.v. He's started working out again. Etc, Etc. Too many wonderfuly positive things to post here, besides I don't want to sound like I'm bragging
My H is Cuban and we are planning a "typical" Cuban Christmas feast for Christmas Eve. This entails a lot of work (roasting a whole pig in the ground). A few months ago my H said he absolutely didn't want to do it this year -- even though his sister and her family are coming from Florida to spend the holidays. Now, he's so excited about the prospect that he keeps inviting more and more people. I have no idea where we'll put everyone, but we'll manage. He's even started building the rig he uses for hoisting the pig already! He's like a little kid! He's just very, very happy to have his family intact after all the *%$! he's put us through.
We've talked for years about taking a trip to Tahiti for our 50th birthdays (our b'days are 3 days apart). Last summer he didn't want to talk about it at all. I remember the last time I brought it up was that fateful weekend we went with a group of friends to Yosemite (remember, saw the XOW -- which led me to discovering the EA!!) I was telling our friends we were thinking about going to Tahiti next year for our 50th's. H said something like, well, we don't have to get there for our 50th. Whenever we get there is fine. I'll never forget that. That was another one of those little warning bells that kept going off in my head that something wasn't right.
Well, now he can't stop talking about going on that trip next year. He's been gathering information on the internet and initiating conversations with me about when we should go, why don't we just go ahead and book, etc. Talk about a 180!!
As it stands right now, we're taking a couple of days the first of December to go to Las Vegas and just have some fun before the maddness of Christmas starts. Then we're going to Lake Tahoe for a week in January -- taking all the kids.
So, yes, my dear friend, things are going extremely well here. My H is still going to counseling. We both still struggle at times to "get over" the past. But we both know how really lucky we are to have walked through the fire and gotten to the other side in one piece -- yes, we have a few burns here and there, but those wounds are healing, the pain is dulling.
Well, see once I start typing, I just don't stop . I do have more I'd like to post, but hubby is waiting for me. Funny how he wants me around him all the time now! Funny how I want to be around him all the time now!
Thanks for caring,
Mattie
P.S. Pat I know you left me your email address a while back, but I haven't had time to go back and look for it. Here's mine if you'd ever like to write me off of this board -- and anyone else for that matter. I'm at melopez@pacbell.net.
HI MATTIE!! I was so very happy to see you had posted when I checked in this morning. I wasn't going to check in because my H is up (he 's working nights for awhile and off on Sunday and Monday) and we spend more time together. But had you on my mind and decided to give a quick check to see if you had posted. I was thrilled to read how great things are going for you and your H!!!! I don't see it as bragging but even if it was...you deserve to after all you have gone through!! Sounds like your life is full and going wonderfully well!!
My H has to fly to North Carolina for 2 days. He leaves tomorrow morning so I need to get off here and go be with him but just had to let you know that I had seen your post and wanted to let you know how very very happy I am for you and your H!! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!!!
Thanks for your email address. Here is mine again for you and for anyone else who would like to talk privately off the board. pfroglady@aol.com Pat
You just sound upbeat and so much happier when you post now!! Glad things went well when you brought up the anniversary. Sounds like your H is really trying to forget about the OW and is doing a good job. Isn't it amazing how the ones who cheat usually forget things a lot quicker that the person cheated on? Wish I had my H's ability to decide to forget something or someone,just never talk about it or them again and forget about it!! Here I am over a year and a half after the mess and still having crazy thoughts (not nearly as often but they still pop up ocassionally) 
!! But at least the memories are dimming more all the time!!
.
) invited me on this retreat. She knows my sitch. After the blow-up in July, my son needed to be comforted by his GF, and her parents naturally got involved. I was very grateful for the support they gave my son. Anyway, I haven't laughed so hard and for so long (days) in years. It was so much fun. I also felt that once again I was meant to be at that particular retreat. On Sat. night the speaker came up and said that at the last minute she had decided to change her talk. She felt God was telling her there was at least one person in the audience who really needed to hear the message she was about to give. Honestly, when she said that I could swear she was looking right at me. The message was about overcoming disappointment and anger -- in God and in life relationships. Wow. 
