Quote: Here's an interesting passage from "How to heal a painful Relationship" by Bill Ferguson (picked it up used for a buck): "Once you have established an intimate R with someone, you will have a R with that person for the rest of your life. This is true whether you live together or apart. Even if you move to the North Pole, a part of the other person will still be with you. Both of you are partners in your R, and will be, for the rest of your lives" Worthwhile pondering before giving up and moving on, isn't it. Very true, as well!
Personally at times I think the above quote/truth is unfortunate...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Here's my planned 180. Every Christmas season I go kind of nuts and buy tons of stuff. I don't spend like crazy but I usually go over budget by a few hundred bucks. No big deal. My W is from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas and although she appreciates and enjoys the season she sees much of it as an orgy of excessiveness, creating massive clutter and a waste of money (she's not wrong.... I guess!). I remember last year she said to me "I know there is no stopping you so could you at least just buy lots of little things for the kids and nothing big". This year, I am going to stop myself. I will discuss the purchases to be made with her and we will then mutually handle Christmas. Usually, she doesn't have time to do much of it, although she does take a day off to do her Christmas shopping. So I end up doing most of it cuz I have more time (or did until the kids stopped going to afterschool care, but then now I have more money to spend on presents!! SLAP, SLAP, SLAP...thanks, I needed that) Well, anyway this year, I change!
...you have grown so much lately, I'm just thrilled to see all of these changes in you...
What a lovely idea...please follow through with it. What a man you are...you are so into listening and getting a life and acting as if...you are a great example for others...bravo, bravo, bravo...
Thanks 1210, today I've been thinking about some of the things I've been reading in "How to Heal A Painful Relationship...", it was well worth the buck I invested!He talks about taking "your responsibility" for the R. Ferguson writes "If someone has an A, that person is clearly responsible. So is his or her spouse. People usually have affairs to find love and appreciation. If this was sufficiently provided by the spousethere wouldn't have been an affair. Both are totally responsible." This was most insightful, "When you point to someone elses responsibility, you give away all your power. You make that person cause and put yourself totally at his or her mercy". So letting go and taking responsibility are musts for doing any real DBing. I look at my W and try to think and feel what she must have been going through in the past few years. It must be horrible to feel yourself being pulled under by the waves of life and feeling the person you want to pull you out isn't there for you. That would be such a lonely, frightening feeling to have. This does not mean that I could have been there in the way she wanted, it matters not now, but it's important to recognize that we both played a part in the sad events that occurred. Anyway, time to go pick up the youngest at her gymnastics class. My Friday is rushing one to gymnastics and the other to dance then picking them up. At 9:00 pm I will rest! Thanks for checking in, the encouragement is always welcome.
Well, tonite W and I are going to discuss allowance for the kids and Christmas presents! Yesterday she called a family meeting to plan for Christmas. She informed the kids that they would not be recieving the same number of presents as in the past but her and I would decide an appropriate number. She also has a plan for giving out allowances which she gave to me to go over. This morning before I left I suggested we get together tonite to discuss these things. Wow, she's actually being proactive here! I guess my planned 180 was right on, too bad she beat me to the punch! Her allowance plan seems on the whole fine but it's just a matter of sticking to it and not making it into a convoluted, detailed nightmare. Keep it simple, will be my motto here. This is one of her issues that we come up with plans and then don't follow through (because life gets in the way). So my goal for this is to follow through on a mutually agreed upon plan that will work detailing who will do what, when etc. I will LISTEN to her ideas re Christmas presents and blow her mind by being in complete agreement (unless she's really out there, and she isn't) I guess she's concerned about finances, she wants to make sure I'll have enough money to move out I'll keep you posted folks.
Great idea, you will be validating her wishes...good for you. What a guy. I have a question though, is this based on actual numbers or quality of gifts? I'm a bit perplexed.
tis a mystery to me thus far!I usually buy lots of things and usually nothing particularly expensive, so my guess is it will be the number. Suits me, I don't have time to buy all the usual stuff anyway, I'm far to busy on this BB ! I will inquire into this after the kids go to bed. Wow, Santa's getting boundaries! Who would of thought.
OK, I'm sure none of you can sleep tonite without finding out the outcome of the big meeting ! It's done. We agreed on a plan re kids allowance and Xmas decisions were postponed as W was too tired to continue. I made sure we got who was going to do what. I let her go on about how terrible we have been re allowances and how we always make plans that last two months and then they die. She loves to point out all our failures (if you want to call them that). I tend to look on some of these things as life happening whereas she likes to use them to put us down as parents. Maybe we should meet halfway! Usually, I start to defend us by explaining why something didn't happen the way we had planned etc but tonite I just let her go. When I defend I am saying "you are wrong" cuz I'm miffed at her negativity...once I even said "then stop bitching about it and get off your butt and do something about it". It didn't go well!!! Tonite, I just let it happen and actually it ended quicker and without frustration on both sides. I should know by now that she's going to "vent" and I can't personalize it (which I do) and then life moves on. So now all you night owls can go to bed, meeting over! P.S. Guess who came home with a Christmas gift for the girls tonite...and it wasn't me! Too funny!!!!!
Just to add to my last post. It does really piss me off when she goes on about our "poor parenting" because we are damn good parents! I look at the way our little girls are turning out and I am so proud. Example, while driving my 9 yr old to gymnastics this week I offered her a Halloween candy (that I scored from our leftovers), she said "No thank you, daddy, it's your candy and I want you to enjoy it" I said "but I brought two, one for you and one for me" and she replied "You don't get much candy, daddy, I want you to enjoy both of them". Is that the result of bad parenting!!!! My girls are my life, so it is so hard for me to bite my tongue when my W starts on about our failures. I mentioned tonite how one of the girls like to organize things and my W said "Yes, but I don't know where we went wrong with the other one" Arggggh!!! My only slip tonite was my reply "we didn't go wrong, they are two different people". Ahh, the joys of being married to a perfectionist. Gee, I wonder why I couldn't measure up? Enough ranting...this too shall pass.
I'll keep you posted folks. 
! It's done. We agreed on a plan re kids allowance and Xmas decisions were postponed as W was too tired to continue. I made sure we got who was going to do what. I let her go on about how terrible we have been re allowances and how we always make plans that last two months and then they die. She loves to point out all our failures (if you want to call them that). I tend to look on some of these things as life happening whereas she likes to use them to put us down as parents. Maybe we should meet halfway! Usually, I start to defend us by explaining why something didn't happen the way we had planned etc but tonite I just let her go. When I defend I am saying "you are wrong" cuz I'm miffed at her negativity...once I even said "then stop bitching about it and get off your butt and do something about it". It didn't go well!!! Tonite, I just let it happen and actually it ended quicker and without frustration on both sides. I should know by now that she's going to "vent" and I can't personalize it (which I do) and then life moves on. So now all you night owls can go to bed, meeting over!