perfection 2

[whatisis]

Thanks 90210, oh sorry, 12102006 . Yes, it is encouraging but my W has now told me we are not going to the dinner function. She's just not into socializing with all the rich people (it's a work deal). I said that was fine but if she changed her mind I'd be glad to go. I do believe her reasons for not wanting to go. She hates having to chit chat with those people.
As far as my sitch itself, it certainly has been a long haul and I have tried to stick to what I believe will be beneficial in the long run. I have tried to stick to my values, not be vindictive or hurtful, GAL my butt off, set some boundaries, be a supportive H and still be the best Dad I know how to be. I don't whine, cry and or blow my stack (OK, maybe once or twice!) , I do not have R talks with her or verbally attack OP but instead I have tried to use positive actions rather than just more words, pushing the BR dance classes and learning her culture's cooking are examples. I'm trying not to talk change but to be change! By doing so I am growing stronger and happier. If W wants some of that then she's welcome to it and if not, I will have to deal with it. Right now I'm looking at working on some personal stuff. We all have habits or traits that we know aren't particularly effective or even pleasant so I'm going to work on changing some of those. Will I be off the BB soon? I'm not counting the days! But I do appreciate the confidence you have in me, it helps alot. Thanks.

[12102006]

Whatisis;

Please, please....tell me you didn't go there with that
90210 joke...oh no, no you didn't!!!

Just kidding, what I meant was that through your consistency, you have a really BIG chance of turning
your M around. Heavens, not to get off the BB. You set
an example for others to emulate, thus your services are
needed.

Now............no more 90210 jokes...that was really an
insipid show.

[whatisis]

You're right, I really have to work on those number jokes Now, back to the serious job of marriage saving. While I have been consistent I do wonder how one gets past the old bugaboo "You don't read my mind". My W's biggest complaint (and the reason she gave for stepping out on me) was that she needed someone who could "read her inside and out" who would know when she needed something and what she needed without being told (Be my mommy!). My response was that sometimes I would indeed know but other times I would not and would need her to tell me what's going on, I said "I am not a mindreader and never will be". BAD MOVE! She took that as meaning I could not meet her needs so she turned to someone else who apparently could in this area. She directly told me this is when she decided to look elsewhere. So without this little mindreading trick it would seem all the DBing in the world won't turn me into what she wants. She can't get it through her head that an adult R requires two people who COMMUNICATE needs to each other and if one picks up on it early, bonus! I can't flip a switch in her head so that the REASONABLE light will go on. It can't be done. Certainly, I'm not saying that my communication or listening could not improve but to ask for someone else to know and respond to her feelings without any verbalizing on her part is utter nonsense. Now, I'm certainly not talking about quitting here but I do wonder about how you get beyond this? Any thoughts out there?

[osu43130]

I often think about that as well. I think all you can do is the times that you can tell what she is thinking let her know. If you have no clue let it go and if she needs help or advise then let her ask. There is no way possible that anyone can read minds all of the time. Even the OW. She probably just lets her know when she can sense somthing is wrong and is there to listen to her. Heck I really do not know but Try anything. Remeber that is part of DBing try and try again until you find somthing that works and then stick with it.

Take care brother.

[whatisis]

When I do try to ask how she is (cuz she seems down) she says "I don't need a counsellor, thank you" and walks away. So I stopped asking. When she wants to talk she will, and she has twice since I stopped asking. Both times I made sure I listened, validated and didn't tell her what to do (I save that for here )! I guess in reality, we all have to recognize that we can't change what is in the other persons head. That is very difficult sometimes. Hopefully through my DB efforts she will want to change her perspective to compromise somewhat. She doesn't see the compromise aspect to M. She wants what she wants and that is that. If I can't come through then too bad for me! It's a very rigid mindset and it's one she has to look at if our M has any chance of success. I just hope that all the changes I have made give her the impetus to look beyond these rigid constructs that make up her present definition of happiness. Time will tell.

[osu43130]

You are right. At least you tried and found out what seems to work anyway. Keep it up you are a great person she will see it eventually. If not oh well you will still be a happy person. Her loss.

[Unloved]

Ah, the mind reading thing! I think that is something which every woman in the world expects. I have been exactly the same in the past and expected my H to know how i am feeling and what i need when i haven't given him any clues whatsoever! I think it's just part of the romantic fantasy we want to live in. That we can have this perfect relationship where we are so close that we can read each others thoughts and feelings. That is a difficult one, to be honest us girls do need to realise that you are not mind readers. We should at least drop some subtle hints (because one thing we hate is to have to spell things out). You are already doing the rights things, listening (without trying to solve everything), showing empathy and validating her feelings. I would be over the moon if my H did any of that! The big problem which used to really annoy me was when H would try to come up with solutions for everything when all i wanted was to have a little rant and have someone to listen to me.

Anyway, sorry, i probably haven't been much help. I can understand now how frustrating it must be to be expected to do something which is impossible. I hope your W realises this soon too.

UL

[whatisis]

Hi UL, I think the mindreading thing becomes even more intense when the "unhappy" S is looking for reasons to verify why the R is not worth holding onto. My W knows I can't read minds but until the OP arrived on the scene that was acceptable (or appeared to be). I think once the intensity of the OP takes hold the S looks at the lack of intensity in the existing R and resents it. My W said "OP knows what I need without me asking, why don't you? We've been together XX years, you should know!" She was comparing me to the fantasy R of a person whose whole world is based on meeting my W's emotional needs. There is no family, bills, child raising issues etc. It's all just the two of them. Now, that said, was my communication superb? Of course not! Could it be improved? Hell, YES! My W was unwilling to work on it with me "If it doesn't come naturally then it just isn't you" Again, anything to justify abandoning the R. But I choose to work on this issue alone, if I change the dynamic she must respond in kind, whether she wants to or not. Yet it is hard to know how much of what they complain about is really what's going on and what isn't. I have always tried to stand back and look at what she complains about and try to be objective (hard to do). When I see the point e.g. the lack of romance in our R, I have tried to improve but it was never enough. Again, I think once the grip of the OP takes over you can work on their issues all you want but unless they are ready to accept your changes it won't help. Not to be negative because really you have to make those changes anyway e.g. to be a better listener so it makes sense to do them but without expectation. To be a better person versus to win back your S. So, enough of my rambling and hopefully it all comes together in some sort of congruent message! UL,thanks for checking in and giving me your thoughts

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Whatisis-

You should win a prize for this post. I battle the OM thing everyday. Wondering what he is like that makes my W so enamored with him. She is not the person I married and she said "I don't want to know the new you." I couldn't read her mind and now I definitely can't.

But, that shouldn't matter anymore. I only know my head and what I need to do for me.

Thank you for this post.

[MuddleThrough]

Things that inspire bad feelings or bad moods cause very long lasting imprints on the brain. Focusing on such things can inspire lasting damage in 30 seconds or so. However, things that inspire good feelings and moods require constant effort in focusing on the positives - they do not imprint the brain the way negative events do. So, if your spouse doesn't take an active role in constantly reassuring themselves of your good qualities and they associate bad feelings with you (it doesn't have to be something that occurs or occurred in reality, they could even imagine the slight) your fault will always be far more a part of their reality than positive contributions (even those exponentially larger than the percieved fault). This is physiologically true. To thrive in a relationship, we are required to maintain our positive emotive state towards our spouse through discipline and our spouse must do the same for us. This requires a fairly advanced level of self awareness to regulate and manage your own mood. It's quite apparent that the passively involved state of being that the cheating spouse is in where feelings happen to them (rather than being responses to thoughts that they can control as well as real events) makes it difficult to imagine them making the leap to the level of self control and responsibility required to be a good spouse.

When you talk about things lacking, that implies there was a kernal of whatever is seen to be lacking there. If the focus is on that which IS there - it's seen as a positive - then good feelings emerge. Therefore, I implore you to maintain your focus on the positive - appreciate things about your spouse. Regulate your feelings for them through your thoughts. If you recognize that you have had a negative thought, offset that with 5 positive thoughts. Appreciate them. Lead by example.