Hoping For A Miracle - New Here

[cat03]

hey there, limbo stinks. About the checks, why not just ask up front about them, are those joing investments? if it is also your money I'd ask.

During "alien" mode they only care for themselves, I hope you have a fun birthday on Sunday hon, you deserve it)))))))) hang in there

[nodivorceplease]

Hey lemon-

I hope your birthday is wonderful! My H went out and bought an expensive new motorcycle right after he left. I figured it was another case of him looking for happiness in the wrong places. (He also bought a bunch of other new stuff.) I guess he needs new things for his new life that doesn't include me. It sounds like you are holding up well considering the circumstances. Living in limbo is not a fun way to live. Hang in there sister!

Shelly

[lemondrop]

Cat - Technically, yes, this fund is a joint investment. But, we had previously agreed that if we end up getting a D, he will keep certain investments (including that one) which total to equal the equity in the house, while I will keep the house and the benefit of the equity (we would split other investments/cash and would each keep our own retirement accounts). So I guess, since things are so up in the air, I have already been thinking about the fund that the checks are on as "his", not "ours", and I feel like asking will be seen as "accusatory". I don't know. At this point, I am hoping to just sort of roll with things if possible until the holidays are over, and hope that he changes his mind about how he feels about me/our M in a few months. Unless of course, he brings R/M status up on his own or starts spending more time at his apartment again (he hasn't stayed there in several weeks, though I know he's been there to pick up utility bills for the apartment).

Shelly - My H has always been really into motorcycles, and has been wanting to buy a new one for a long time, but I definitely feel like the choice to do so now has to do with wanting to find a way to make himself happy. He currently has a 1999 BMW and a 1961 BMW (he is restoring that one - it's very pretty). The one he wants would be a 2007 BMW. H got S3 a little Yamaha dirt bike last summer which S3 loves -- he has all the safety gear, don't worry -- he looks so cute zooming around on his dirt bike with training wheels!

H just called me with a question about the grocery list. Our babysitter's birthday is the same day as mine (he knows this), and while we were on the phone I asked him how much money he thought we should give her as a gift. We will see her tomorrow and then not till after her birthday, so I wanted to give her a card/gift tomorrow. We agreed on a number pretty easily. Again, though, no mention of MY birthday. I know I am making way too much of this, but it is really bugging me today.

Thanks for the birthday wishes; I think Sunday will be low key -- me, the kids and probably my parents will just go out (or maybe my mom will cook for me!).

[flip]

Hi lemon,

I was such a crap employee for a long time after the bomb - lol! I just could not concentrate at all. Things are pretty much back to normal now and work is keeping me really busy, which is good.

My H just gave me a card from him and his d8 on my birthday last week. I think he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea that he might be changing his mind, so no present. I was dreading my birthday but funnily enough it turned into a really positive experience. I spent a lot of time with friends over the whole week and really felt very lucky and thankful for my life. I expected nothing from my H, so I couldn't be disappointed, but I know it's hard to do when you've got so much history together. I did look at my ipod and think, slightly sadly - 'hey, you're a year old today' as it was a gift from H last year.

You sound as though you're doing well. This limbo is painful and draining and so much about our WAS's and what they want, we're just left hanging on. You sound as though you still have some connection with your H, e.g. with the ML, which is very good.

Happy birthday for Sunday!

[nodivorceplease]

Well, lemon, I think the fact that he hasn't been staying at his apt and that you guys ML are really good signs. It sounds like you are handling things well. I understand what you are saying about rolling with things until the holidays are over. I am planning the same thing. It's so hard not knowing what is going to happen. I have a feeling a decision will get made in my sitch after the first of the year. My H has eluded to this several times. I pray everyday that God will soften my H's heart.

Shelly

[lemondrop]

The big problem I see is that H has alternated between saying that he is only staying at our house because of the kids or saying that by staying he is trying to see if there is anything to salvage in our R. I hope he is trying to decide (and not only staying for the kids), but he has repeatedly said that he feels no connection to me other than our children. He sees the changes I have made, but still has no feelings for me. This is where he was when we last discussed the R over a month ago. Given that he hasn't said anything different, I am assuming that things are the same or worse. I think that's why I am so hung up on my birthday - if he thought things were hopeful, I would think he would make some effort to do something for me. If he does nothing, it will just be a sign that his feelings (or lack thereof) aren't changing. He doesn't see ML as a sign of emotional connection.

I called him to tell him some news re his cousin this morning, and he was very short with me. I feel like I am on probation or something -- if I do even the smallest thing to annoy him, then everything positive I have done is negated. He was apparently annoyed that I called him while he was washing his motorcycle.

H leaves tomorrow for a three day trip. I won't see him for long tonight as I am going out on a business dinner tonight. I actually wish I wasn't going out - I was up late last night working and dealing with the teething baby, so I am dragging today.

I'd like to have another date, as the last one went pretty well -- maybe I will suggest one for next week. I will wait till my b-day has passed though, as I don't want him to think that I am trying to plan something for that.

I know that there are some positives in my situation, but it's hard to see them when I feel so uncertain of what tomorrow might bring. I pray all the time, too, that we will find a way to reconnect so that H will want to stay in our M.

[lemondrop]

Flip - Thanks for making me feel a little better about being a crap employee!

[nodivorceplease]

Lemon-

My H actually tells me the same thing - he has no feelings for me anymore. That hasn't changed in the 2 months he's been gone. When I asked him to go to MC in the beginning, he said no because he didn't think he could put his heart into it. Ouch! All of this is so hurtful. I've given this man so much of myself and now it's not good enough. I also feel like I am on probation. When he comes to visit, I feel like I have to look great and the house has to be spotless. He was very critical of me right before he left so I am self conscious around him. There are moments when I just want to tell him to go straight to hell. I don't know what he wants from me anymore. I have made changes too but they seem to go unnoticed. I just really miss having someone loving me and telling me how wonderful I am. You know?? This fight feels tired and lonely. My 7 yr old is going thru some grieving as well despite my best efforts to keep her spirits up. I feel like I'll never be able to just relax.

Shelly

[julio]

I am going through the same crap. W dropped bomb a week before your H. Buy DR and follow it. Don't pursue or fight. Work on yourself and try to act like you are getting a life. It can be summed up as playing hard to get. I see small steps it is working for me. Savor the small steps but don't get lost in them!

[flip]

It's hard to read these stories - it's the same thing over and over with so many people and I know exaclty how you all feel. My H's lack of feeling for me was very quickly replaced by his feelings for the OW, although I never knew that at the time. I was just desperate for him to work on our R. I never knew he had really checked out long before I even knew there was a problem.

I can't help feeling you need something to shake up your sitchs. I feel that you need to really make changes, big changes for you. I read so often that the WAS only come back when the LBS has moved on. Is there some way to give the appearance of this sooner? Will they only believe it when it's genuine? I don't know. Hell, I've not successfully DBed my own marriage so maybe I should shut up!