wow!! and I thouth my 17lbs was a lot, you are amazing, you go girl! keep up the great job. I wanted to reply to something you posted earlier:
Quote: I don’t understand how he could have no feelings for me at all after 15 years together (9 years of marriage). But now he says he was never happy, never should have married me . . . If he was so unhappy, why in the world did he agree to have 2 kids with me? He didn’t even think he wanted kids at all when we got married (though he fell in love with each of them the moment he saw them). I see so many people here whose spouses have said similar things as my H is saying. I guess I should just back off and not say anything more about him going to his apartment, nor should I ask to talk about what he wants to do in our R.
My H said those things word for word, when in the middle of the mess I even found a note saying he wished he didnt' have any kids, this from a man who wouldn't put the kids down and spent half the time taking picts of them, they just rewrite history to support their craziness, NOTHING is their fault, it took my H months to stop blaming me, he told me he didn't see it was also his fault until much later, sometimes it takes something this awful for the other person to realize too that they had a LOT in the demise of the M.
It does boggle the mind to think that a while ago your H was sane, my H also threw a nice b-day party for me the month before he went bananas. My H also on the days he wasn't supposed to see kids NEVER called them nor would take them ANYwhere. The WAS have to put us as the bad guys and see us in the worst light to justify their feelings, my H also didn't have feelings for me for the longest time, but he is back w/me now and veeeeeeeeeery slowly he has warmed up to me again, we all forget the love isn't in the falling, it is in the staying.
Hope you get some rest, you poor thing, an infant is such work and you also seemed to work very hard, hang in there))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
17 pounds is outstanding! Don't be that impressed with my weight loss, Cat; the 40 I lost was all pregnancy weight gain and its taken 8 months to lose it. The 20 that's left was extra that I had BEFORE I got pregnant, so that's going to be a bigger battle unfortunately. I am also NOT one of those people who lose weight when they are stressed -- I am a comfort eater, and I have really been trying to not succumb to my urges to eat just because I am upset.
It is both comforting and frustrating to see/hear how similar the things that the WASs say to us are! Maybe they have some bulletin board somewhere that they are all posting on, and they feed each other these lines!
So, H did call last night, but he called our house 40 minutes after S3's bedtime, and then seemed miffed that S was asleep (not sure what he expected). We talked for a few minutes about nothing important, but H was clearly in a mood, so he didn't really react much to the thing I told him (all regarding the kids/logistics). He'll probably call again tonight, and will be home tomorrow. He hasn't mentioned whether he in fact finished or thought about the 5LL book, which he said he was going to finish this past Saturday. I am determined NOT to be the one to bring up our R next.
are you kidding? 40lbs of baby weight in 8 mths! lift a 40lbs bag of cat food and you'll be more impressed. I lost 13 the first week H left, the other 4 where on my own, so I'm very impressed w/you gal
I remember giving my H 5LL before he left, the book I gave him, on CD because he had long commutes, was the mars-venus book, he did learn something from it, I recommend it.
LoL about the WAS havign a board, it is scary how the similaries are abundant here, I 've lost count about how many WAS planned or went to Vegas while nuts, my H was going to go without me, but we ended up going together, it's like they all have a scrip and it handed over while they board the mother ship.
I should be the one talking, I had almost phased out my before-bed snack, but if you are a comfort eater drink your sadness away (w/water of course!!) it should fill you up, I heard half the time our body is thristy and we think it is hungry and we feed ourselves when all our body wants is water!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I have had a busy few days and not much time to check in here on how everyone else is doing -- just wanted to quickly post now, and will hopefully catch up some more tonight.
H came home from his trip Wednesday night. I had made dinner (a 180 -- I hardly ever cooked on weeknights before, which is one of the MANY things he complained about), straightened the kids and the house, and looked decent. After kids were asleep I surprised H by initiating ML -- this was taking a chance, as I have not done so since he's gotten his apartment - we have only ML when he started it. He seemed pleased, but yesterday I had a busy day at work and barely talked to him. He leaves again for a trip tomorrow, and won't be home till Tuesday. I have to go to LA on Monday afternoon, and won't be back till very late Tuesday night (actually, very early Wednesday morning), so I won't be there when he gets back. My parents will have the kids. On Wednesday, we have a date set up. I am hoping to be a bit dim these next 4-5 days, then try to have a good time on Wednesday. Am stressed about having to leave the kids with my parents as it's alot of work for them. I would be so hosed without them - they are so helpful to me. My mom knows about my sitch and so has been exceptionally supportive. She has probably told my dad and told him not to tell me he knows. Oh well.
I snooped in H's car (I know, bad DBing) this morning, and I saw he had his laundry basket from his apartment in the back seat, so he'll probably do his laundry at our house while I am at work today. I also saw that he has his cell phone charging in his car instead of inside the house, which makes me wonder if he has something to hide. It had one new message on it, but I did not look to see who it was from. H swears up and down that there is no OW, and I had believed him, but this makes me wonder . . . I know I shouldn't snoop, but I feel like I don't know this person anymore and so I am looking for any clue I can to figure out what's going on. I was reading on Shelly's thread a bit, and I wonder if my H is MLCing also - he does seem to have some of the signs. Will have to look at that board this weekend.
Cat - I have been trying to drink more water, I need to just keep a water bottle with me at all times, I think. Good for you for keeping off that initial weight that you lost! I am hoping to just continue slow and steady weight loss.
Journaling: Left work at a reasonable hour yesterday. Had asked H to shop for some groceries to make dinner with, and he had done so. He was on the phone with a friend when I walked in the door, so I didn't even talk to him for the first hour I was home while I made a nice dinner. After dinner, I cleaned up everything, got the kids ready for bed, put them to bed. Except for during dinner, we barely talked at all.
I am working today, so I actually left the house before he did. I gave him a hug goodbye, and he did hug me back. He is leaving for work (probably now), and won't be back till Tuesday. He called me a little while ago to talk about something kid-related. A short conversation.
He brought home (from his apartment) this leather organizer thing that he uses to put his watch, rings, cufflinks in when he's not wearing them. At first I thought, hmm, maybe he is slowly moving things back here. BUT, I noticed that his wedding ring is not in the organizer. He hasn't worn it since May, but before he moved some of his things over to his apartment, his ring had always been in the organizer thing. I know I shouldn't obsess over this, but where is the ring? Did he purposely leave it at the apartment? Did he lose it? Did he throw it out? He knows that it upsets me that he doesn't wear it, but I haven't said anything to him about that since June (when I started trying to DB).
I am also mad this morning that I am the one sleeping in the guest room. I started sleeping in there before the bomb because I was having to get up with the baby, and it disturbed his sleep to have me up and down all the time. I thought that would be temporary, but then he told me he preferred it that way. Now, I don't even feel comfortable sleeping in my own bed when he's not here! On the bright side, the guest room mattress is actually newer/better than the one in the master bedroom.
Snooping always makes things worse. I know from experience when I find stuff, it just makes things worse and sends me into a tailspin. Plus now that you know, NOW WHAT? You can't really do anything with it. As more time passes, you want to be ready to take the worst, and time will allow you to do that. If you're like me, you'll just ruminate on the stuff you find and let your mind play tricks on you, just like the wedding ring. Is it lost? Did he throw it away? Did he pawn it? You'll drive yourself crazy, and you've got too much going on in your head to put that into the mix as well. Snooping is no good! Nothing positive will come from it.
Journaling: Feeling fairly calm today, but that's because I have had minimal conversation/contact with H for the last few days as he's been on a trip, and I stuck with my resolve to not initiate contact with him. Took S3 to a birthday party yesterday, then we decorated pumpkins (couldn't carve them - he's too little), then I did laundry while both kids napped. Did a little more work later in the evening and got ready for my trip (have a 3:00 flight to LA). H called around 10:00 last night -- I actually think he called to talk to me, as he knew that S3 would be asleep by then -- but we didn't talk too long. Talked mostly about the kids (baby, 8 mos, has learned how to climb as far as the third step on the stairs -- Lord help me, she's going to be a handful) We also agreed that we are still on for our "date" on Wednesday -- I am very nervous about that. I feel like he is constantly watching/testing me, expecting me to mess up. And when I do, he blows the smallest mistakes I make completely out of proportion. Will try to have a PMA about the date, though. Spent some time this morning trying to pick out a restaurant (we're going to a museum exhibit - King Tut - then to dinner). We probably won't talk tonight as he'll be on the east coast, and I'll be on the west, and I have to go out to dinner with a client -- will be very late east coast time by the time I am done.
FLTC - you're right. I keep thinking about the wedding ring and where it is. I also keep wondering if it means anything that he brought his organizer/caddy thing back home. It's actually kind of pathetic that I am analyzing such a small and potentially meaningless action. If he really wanted to move home, he'd cancel his lease and move home, not move things one item at a time.
I am really having a hard time accepting that our M could really be over. I know I am supposed to try to do that, but in my heart, I just keep feeling that things will work out. SO, I get hopeful over small things which probably mean nothing.
I am also having a hard time trying to be patient about the fact that I won't know til who knows when what H's "decision" is going to be about our M. I know this goes with accepting that it could be over and moving on/detaching, but it's sure easier said than done, isn't it?
Then, there's this small part of me that thinks H is a huge jerk and that nothing I did was so awful that he should leave the M over it. I am smart, pretty, generous, a great mom, a good provider for our family, a good cook -- he could have done a lot worse! Yet, he can't seem to see any positives about me/our M -- all he focuses on is the negatives.
I have the feeling that his feelings as to what he wants to do change on a daily basis. I have to admit, when he first announced that we wanted to separate back in May, I would never have guessed that things would still be so unresolved by this point. I probably made a mistake (prior to discovering DB) in working so hard to convince him to put off his move (I begged him to wait till after I had gone back to work/S3 had adjusted to the change before making a change in our living situation). Maybe if I had just let/encouraged him to go, we would have some resolution one way or the other by now. Instead, he has never really moved out, though he spends time away as he feels like it (with very short notice to me), and I have no idea what he thinks/feels now. The last time he discussed it, he didn't love me, didn't think he ever would again, and didn't even really seem to be sad that that was the case (i.e. had no desire to work on fixing things). I don't really want to discuss it again and hear worse.
On the bright side, he has yet to actually tell anyone else what is going on, as that would make it "real" and so I think that means he is still not 100% sure. SO, I continue to DB, 180 and generally be a person that he would want to come home to.
Journaling: Got back from LA at about 2:00 am on Wednesday morning. Both S3 and D8mo were in sleeping with H. S3 gets upset when I am not home, and the baby just doesn't like her crib very much. H had been shoved way over to the edge of the bed -- it was pretty funny, actually. I picked up the baby and went to sleep with her in the guestroom.
Yesterday, I worked from home in the morning, then H and I had our second "date" -- I thought it went well, though I talked more than he did. Still, I thought we had a good time. H didn't say anything one way or the other, but I resisted the urge to ASK him if he had a good time, or if we should set up another date, since that turned out to be a mistake last time we had a date. Maybe I will suggest we do something else in a couple of weeks depending on how things are going.
My birthday is mid-November, but I am sure H won't do anything for that. He is working on the actual day (so will be out of town), but I have no expectation that he will do anything before or after for me. That's fine, I guess, but I feel like he should get me something from the kids - S3 is old enough to "get" that you do special things for your loved ones on their birthdays, but not old enough to actually organize anything on his own. S and D "got something" for H for both his birthday and for Father's Day. I got NOTHING from anyone (except my own mom) on Mother's Day -- not even a "Happy Mother's Day", so I have to assume that my birthday will be the same.
H is leaving for work tomorrow, so I will have the weekend alone with the kids. He won't be back till Monday night.
Am still feeling calm generally, but anytime I let my mind wander at all I start feeling sick -- for all I know, nothing that I have done has made any difference and he still plans to D me.
