Do LD's want their spouse to become LD?

[Stigmata]

CeMar.



Excuse me. Happened across your thread. Just wanted to deliver an quick message to you through sage words written by a friend of mine. look, listen, learn, man, for godsakes. Tick-tock goes your W's 'Should I Stay or Should I Go?' (to put it in Clashian terms) clock...

To paraphrase from my friend's, Ralph Waldo Emerson, journal:

One day my son and I were trying to get an balky calf into the barn. My son was in front pulling on the halter, while I pushed from behind. The calf had its legs splayed, and for all practical purposes was immovable. our servant girl watched with some amusement from the kitchen window while we huffed and puffed, covered in sweat. When we finally gave up in frustration, the servant girl came out, stuck her finger in the calf's mouth, and easily walked into the barn with it...

Read this again.

-Stigmata-

PS. RWE went straight to his study to record above, ending his entry with:

"I like people who can do things."

And so do I.

.

[blackfoot]

Stig,

I am sorry to hear about your Grandmother passing on.

Cemar Im draging this comment here, so Mrs.Nop and Choc can continue their convo in GGB's thread.

How can you stop your sex drive? THere are guys on here that have actually looked to drugs to try and kill it. I have no clue as to how you can stop it. It is there at all times. Heck, if you are around females, how can you NOT desire. I work hard to NOT desire other women and keep it focused on my wife. Sex, affection, it is freaking EVERYWHERE. It's at work, it's at the mall, it's in the media, it's at the rec center, it's on the street, it's at the kids soccer and football games. And maybe the worst place of all, CHURCH! Ladies dressed to the hilt, some very sexily, and couples sitting VERY close togehter. How can you NOT think about sex.

I never said I stopped my sex drive. It was killed by pysch issues during x's A temporarily (4 months?- probably oxytocin withdrawals, and cortisol spikes. my T levels where nearly out of normal limits and I had incredible aggression. Maintaining humourous confidance was allmost impossible, and made me really incongruent. ok it ended up being impossible...bleh). I would never consider denying, or even think of trying to kill my sex drive.

I lost my desire for x a couple times during our M, but I still had my sex drive. We had a always say yes policy, but she could tell the first time that my desire was down, even though I kept having sex with her. It was the first time I told her No, and the second of 2 times I have been impotent in my life -so far-knock on woood (haha), which is why I said no...couldnt get it up for her. no desire for her.

So you are complaining about no desire and then stating how it is so easy. I believe you. Its not for me though. Im asking you to explain to me how to turn desire back on. Not my sex drive. Your going to have to stick with one phrase/terminology here, or goal, otherwise I get confused, unless your point is just to go in circles. Your welcome to do that, but it doesnt assist me in recovering my desire. Im not asking about a sex drive, I have that allready.

Your W has a sex drive too, or she wouldnt immerse herself in those mystery/romance novels.

I am surrounded by visually attractive females, that doesnt do anything for my desire. You are right sex is everywhere. What does that have to do with desire? Youve allready said they are not the same, and just like me, its not good enough for you either, as your wife will have sex with you whenever you want.

As for men wanting to chemically kill their sex drive...
as I have said before its simply a matter of administering a shot of Depo-Prevera to themselves and they will have no sex drive for a good 3 months. Anyone who truly wants to do this can figure out how to accomplish this, anyone else is just whining.
Do it or shut up about it.

I dont want to kill my sex drive, I embrace and appreciate my masculinity. I want to know how to have desire for whom I am having sex with.
Please explain.

[Corri]

BF:

I want to know how to have desire for whom I am having sex with.

If CeMar doesn't show up to answer your question, just know I'm sitting here in the back of the classroom with my hand raised.

Corri

[Burgbud]

(Bear) The claws don't come out too often but sometimes you just have to be blunt.

Being blunt is often a good idea. Being insulting isn't. The reality is you don't know CeMar at all and have no idea how he treats his wife or how she treats him.

Five keys to right speech

"Monks, a statement endowed with five factors is well-spoken, not ill-spoken. It is blameless & unfaulted by knowledgeable people. Which five?

"It is spoken at the right time. It is spoken in truth. It is spoken affectionately. It is spoken beneficially. It is spoken with a mind of good-will."

I don't always practice right speech myself (just ask MrsNOP). When I don't, I've found it beneficial not to try fooling myself into thinking I have.

Having said that, the rest of your post was very illuminating. Thank you.

[chromosphere]

"The reality is you don't know CeMar at all and have no idea how he treats his wife or how she treats him."

Another reality is that this is an anonymous message board, and if someone chooses to post here, they should realize that the quality of the responses will tend to be proportional to the quality of the information they post. Belive me, I know all about that. The fact of the matter is that CeMar has been posting pretty much the same thing for 3 years now.

Although we don't know him or his wife personally, if we assume that he isn't a troll, we can make the reasonable assumption that little to no progress has been made in his marriage in those three years, despite the offer of help from many people here. People have tried being extremely nice, and others have been extremely blunt (to the point of being insulting).

Sometimes a well-phrased insult is what it takes to break someone out of a self-defeat cycle. Good sports coaches and military commanders are masters at that technique. Getting a person out of this "woe is me" mentality by forcing them to defend themselves against an insult can work. But so far nothing has worked with CeMar. Or maybe it has and he just refuses to talk about it.

I can say that most of the comments directed at CeMar, even the insulting ones, do feel to me as if they are coming from a place of caring, of wanting to help him. The rest tend to come from frustration.

Chrome

[CeMar]

Corri:

Go for it. I would love to know how a person that has no desire can actually genuinely change this.

Myself, I ALWAYS desire sex. I still desire it with my wife (even when I probably should not). SO I have no experience ever with lack of desire. I read about people where it comes and goes, or they can turn it off, and I have absolutely no way of comprehending this. People claim to go for days without even THINKING about sex, and I can not go for 1 hour without thinking about it.

I have been waiting for years to see the answer.

[chromosphere]

I want to know the answer to that question myself Corri. So don't wait for CeMar please.

[Corri]

CeMar:

Can you clear something up for me... just so I understand your definition of desire.... because what I hear you saying sounds like you are just horny all the time.... which I akin to lots of testosterone... a physical drive for sex. Yet... you pass on the thing you want, because you are not feeling desire from your wife.

Which says to me you've lost your desire to have sex with your wife, but not that you've lost your desire to have meaningful sex.

Is this correct? I'm not setting you up... I'm just making sure I understand your POV.

Corri

[honeypot]

Cemar,
Here is my answer to your question.

LD people absolutely do not want their partner to become LD, any more than we want them to. They like the feeling of being desired and some even come to depend on it for their sexual identity. They may be confused about the rest, but they do not want an LD partner.

Secondly, you can't stop desiring sex because you are mentally preoccupied with the fact that you can't have it. This is human nature. If you woke up tomorrow in prison I suspect that your mind would be overcome with thoughts of freedom. That, and how to AVOID sex, lol.

Anyway, my hope for you is that you are able to fight through your fears and improve your M.

H.

[LostGal]

Where the real frustration comes in is when there appears to be no desire to work together. Perhaps this lack of desire is due to poor communication, deep resentment, stubborness, or childishness, who knows.

The only way I don't run into anger is to "not make any advances" I can dress, dance, or not dress 'alone'; that's fine short of teasing. Just don't involve him. It hurts him. There is a medical component here. It may be in others too.