The approach I suggested is not suggested towards an HD man like yourself, it is suggested directly for a man who is rejecting his wife. IT WOULD BE A DREAM FOR YOU I KNOW.
The woman I suggested it to (Nicola)...will have to find the wherewithall within herself to try it too. It won't be easy for her, or maybe it will. Heck she may be nervous and fumbling too...but it's the effort to get his attention that is my point to her. Obviously Nicola....ISN'T ND. If she were...she wouldn't be missing her husbands' attention.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE HD MALE, DON'T TRY TO TURN IT AROUND TO YOU.
(GEL) The times I have done this, I have ABSOLUTELY gotten my H's attention and thrown him off kilter.
If you succeed in getting his attention on a more permanent basis and no longer feel the need to throw him off kilter, is this a behavior you would continue? Or is the main purpose to push him out of his comfort zone?
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Being as I'm an HD woman to begin with...yes I would continue this behavior LOL. However in all seriousness...I would recommend an LD woman continue the behavior as well to foster intimacy between her and her H. In Nicola's sitch I would suggest she continue it as well to show that her desire for her H is sincere and genuine.
Throwing someone off kilter to get them out of their protective comfort zone is sometimes necessary so that they will not have time to think...and merely respond instead...or sit there wide-eyed with mouth agape (like my H). If we have time to think...we have time to remember pain and then the barrier goes up.
I think that would have worked maybe a couple of years ago. I tried something similar last year and he told me to stop. Trust me, it took all my courage to do it, so I don't want to be going there again any time soon. Right now, I'm not just dealing with sexual issues, I'm also dealing with other R issues (mind you, I don't know what they are b/c there's no R-talk going on). I don't think H is at the point of being comfortable with me right now. Or at least, comfortable enough for sex.
I have spoken to DB coach Laurie about how to add PT to our R, because that is my #1 LL, and by far. His is QT. Interestingly, he told me shortly after he moved out that he was in therapy and thought he had a sex addiction.
Last night, he was here for dinner, and I gave him a quick hug with the kids, and also rubbed his back. He didn't try to get away, but certainly didn't reciprocate. Honestly, I am at a loss here. *sigh* I think maybe we just need more time to heal the rest of our R before we get to sex. But it was so important to him at one time, that he claimed it was a big reason he left! Interesting, b/c he kept turning me down, plus he had some, uh, sexual problems at that time, as I found out later. In essence, nobody could satisfy him.
Anyway, I think I'm starting to ramble here, so I'd better finish up.
Thanks for your input, Nicola
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Trust me, it took all my courage to do it, so I don't want to be going there again any time soon. Right now, I'm not just dealing with sexual issues, I'm also dealing with other R issues (mind you, I don't know what they are b/c there's no R-talk going on). I don't think H is at the point of being comfortable with me right now. Or at least, comfortable enough for sex.