"Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Twist,

You are absolutely right. Thank goodness this feeling did pass (of course not before I did call and explain the affair in more detail to her husband... I know.... I am being mean and vindictive and it certainly doesn't make me a better person... except I don't scre% other people's husbands... ).

Fortunately my husband is being incredibly patient and understanding, but that doesn't mean I want to continue to do anything that might hurt him or cause problems between us.

Thanks for your input. I hope things are going more smoothly for you.

[twist_of_fate]

this feeling did pass (of course not before I did call

nope, it didn't pass, you are still excusing your actions and deep inside you are planning on doing it again 'til you drive your H nuts.

BTDT, with the snooping, I know it is a hard habit to break, and I think it;s one of those habits that needs to be broken cold turkey, no "I'll just check his car for a bit" or "oh, a new txtmsg he should learn about..for the last time"

My H was understanding and actually concerned when he called me, but I did broke the nice streach of non-A related talks which sets us back I want him to be safe w/me, now I'm back to square 1 on that matter.

<sigh>

[runningoutoftime]

nope, it didn't pass, you are still excusing your actions and deep inside you are planning on doing it again 'til you drive your H nuts.

Yes, I'm probably excusing my behavior. But I did feel an overwhelming need to confirm that the affair truly did happen (previously I could only share my suspicion that it occurred). This time I had more information, so I could confirm it with certainty. Also, I now was certain they spent the night together at least three times.

So, what difference does it make that I told him?I've gotten this off my chest. It's no longer some ugly secret waiting to pop out. It happened, it's acknowleged, and it's slowly losing the power to disturb me.

Suprisingly it didn't drive my husband nuts this time. And he didn't get angry with me. He just said he didn't care and that he was going to stay out of this. Interestingly, this response helped me lose some of my anger at both of them.

I think there's a part of me that expected him to "support her." In the beginning of all this he did support her and he protected her (although they were still sort of together back then). That completely infuriated me and made me feel even more revengeful. Having his kindness and support has made me less angry. It also has made me feel more like I do want to move forward.

Deep down I am not planning anything. I truly don't have any desire at this time to do anything like this again, but I can't predict I won't have those feelings again. I can only hope they will decrease with time.

[kafira]

I think there's a part of me that expected him to "support her."

When my H and I reconciled after our separation 5 years ago, I thought he would defend his actions and those of the OW. I found that he didn't, that he was supportive of my struggle to accept the PA, and that he didn't defend her at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I think he wanted to demonize her as much as I did at the time.

Anyhow, I think this is normal...it's probably his way of showing you it's over and that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore. I think it's good that you were able to get some of this out of your system and that your H didn't flip out about it.

[runningoutoftime]

Hey Liz!!!!

Thanks for stopping by. I hope things are okay with you.

I think I was more worried about my husband flipping out because originally (months ago) when this first happened I sent her an email telling her exactly what I throught of her behavior. She told my husband about it and he cut off my phone service (without even telling me!). Boy was I furious!!!! I immediately grabbed my daughter's cell phone, called my husband and screamed that I was going to make his life completely miserable. Then I hung up and called about 20 people at her company and let them know about her affair with him.

Even after the affair was "over" he still did get mad at me when I bothered her. For example, when I finally learned where her husband worked I told him about the affair. Later that afternoon I thought my husband was going to kill me!!! He was so angry. I refused to even see him for days. I even bought one of those slide locks for the door because I was afraid of him coming in when I was asleep and murdering me (I tend to have a big imagination).

Then over the summer there was another time he had to fly out there for work (she works at the same company in another state). At this time we were starting to get a long again and sort of dating. My husband was suppose to return on a Friday evening to take the kids for the weekend, but his mother told me he was staying through Saturday. Normally they always return on Friday after work unless they want to socialize. So I flipped out, called her husband and told him I thought my husband might be staying there and seeing his wife. Of course, my husband did come back on Friday night, his mother had misunderstood him. My husband was furious at me because he didn't want to deal with OW calling him and being angry with him.

So.... to try and make this long story short... even when things were over between both of them, and we were quite together, he still would get angry with me those few times I bothered her.

Maybe some feelings were still there? Maybe he just didn't want the hassle of angry OW or the embarassment of the situation?

[twist_of_fate]

Maybe he just didn't want the hassle of angry OW or the embarassment of the situation?

I prob agree w/this more, it's hard enough to put the past behind w/someone you have feelings with if this person calls you, specially if you get angry calls.

As far as feelings, as any men who've had an A, there were some and it prob takes time to get rid of them.

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks Twist of Fate for your thoughts. I know a lot of the ugly stuff will eventually melt into history and slowly be forgotten. It just takes time and in the meanwhile there are moments of hyperfocus. That will eventually fade.

Right now things are going really well. My husband did have to fly out of town, and there's even a chance he might run into OW, but he has been so uncharacteristically loving and reassuring I have to trust that he'll keep in mind where his happiness is.

For the first time in many years, I actually feel loved by my husband.

[twist_of_fate]

w/someone you have feelings

yikes! I meant HAD feelings with.

Anyways, glad you are confident today and I'm very happy you feel good about his love for you, my H and I had a great night out on Sat, went to a Halloween party and we danced and he held me and kissed me so often it felt soooo good , hadn't felt like that outside the bedroom since last August

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Twist of Fate,

I'm sooo glad to hear you had a wonderful Saturday night with your husband!!!! My husband sent me some really sweet text messages today.

I had snuck a romantic musical Hallmark card in his luggage and he found it when he arrived at the hotel room this morning. He texted me a message that said I was never second choice. This is something that has bothered me few times. Most of the time I never think about it, but a few times I've felt sad about the idea that perhaps the only reason he's with me is because OW didn't leave her husband.

The text message made me feel really good. It's kind of surprising to me how much closer I feel to my husband. I've heard, and read, about others building a better marriage post affair(s), but never really understood how until now.

[twist_of_fate]

awww, that's sweet

I've heard, and read, about others building a better marriage post affair(s)

I totally agree, I was just coasting along in my M too, so much time wasted, but I'm glad I see the light now