"Officially" piecing... now the real work begins..

[runningoutoftime]

Thanks Cat for sharing that!

Just acting normal and not making a big deal out of everything makes good sense.

Saturday night we went to a party through my husband's work. I know that a lot of these people are aware of what happened, but no one mentioned anything to me. One guy did come up to me and said he was glad we were back together. I just smiled and thanked him. It was nice of him.

I can fully understand the irony!!! I remember before any of this happened thinking the same thing and talking with others about "If my husband did that he'd be out the door!"

It's funny how you truly don't know how you'd react until you go through it. And one interesting thing I've realized is it's not weakness that helps one to forgive and move forward, but strength.

[Delil@h]

I've realized is it's not weakness that helps one to forgive and move forward, but strength.

Bingo....we all have a seat reserved for us in Heaven.
God bless...

[cat03]

honestly, my cousin's H did almost what H did to me and we were all thinking "what is wrong w/her? she should never go back w/that looser...yada yada,, etc" NO one had an incling how it feels unless they go through it, naturally she was the first person I called when it happened to me.
Well, now that I think about it, she did forgive a whole lot more, I do have a debt but hers (his) became so big they had to sell their very nice home and move into an appt so they'd be able to pay his debts, she is my role model

[runningoutoftime]

It's amazing how one's entire view can completely change!!!! For example, I recognize more strength in me, I see the growth in my husband and the potential for building a much stronger and better marriage.

On the other hand, how do you deal with some people's negativity? I don't even want to tell my father about ending the divorce. He's will just tell me how stupid I am for staying in my marriage. Fortunately he lives faraway and I don't have to talk with him too often. Also, I do have friends going through divorce who think I'm making a mistake too. (Although fortunately I have others who fully support reconciliation and you guys here on this board too. That helps).

Do any of you go through this too? Family members or friends who don't believe in what you're doing?

[DonH]

I think all of us have gone through this with friends and family in one form or another. When I told one of my better friends that WAW wanted to file, he told me that was good. He was glad. Okay, well that made one of us. My parents won't even talk to S19 or D21 as if they had anything to do with what their mother is doing. My brother thinks I'm nuts for waiting as long as I did. And even several of WAW's best friends thought it was strange, odd or wrong that I was taking the course that I was. I have no idea what any of them think now that we are Divorced. I can tell you for certain though that I had more who questioned me than supported me. Then again, in the end, perhaps they saw or knew something that I didn't as you see where 14 months of DBing ultimately got me - the same place as no DBing would have - only that likely would have had it done and over with faster. Sorry if I sound bitter. That's not my intention. Moreso, I'm just trying to point out that I at least have the leave the door wide open to the fact that these people were giving me good advice - advice that perhaps I should have taken. Of course, hindsite is a whole other deal. It could have worked out and then I would have been so glad that I didn't listen to them.

[Delil@h]

It could have worked out and then I would have been so glad that I didn't listen to them.



This is how it went for me.. my Family wanted me to close the door,, I on the other hand did not.... it is hard to watch someone you love suffer.My Family wanted me to close the door and couldn't understand why I would allow him to put me thru so much agony...
Even thru the separation, I felt pain of my own but also pain for my H being so lost, I even once told him.

"I do not envy you and May God bless you cause you are soo lost and I will pray for you b/c I would not want to be as confused as you are..."
if they see you are Happy and he is Happy like my Family does,, MY hope is that they would understand better and just let go and let God,,

But hey I should follow my Own advice. I just posted on my thread I am petrified of the thought of going to see my inlaws at Christmas,, my FIL he is a doll now my MIL that is another story...
God bless....

[kafira]

I remember when my H and I reconciled 5 years ago (after 5.5 month separation), I thought it would be really hard to deal with family and friends who were of the opinion I should not have taken him back. In actuality, most people didn't even say anything. They kept their opinions to themselves and welcomed my H back into the fold as much as possible. They were supportive and loving of my decision. There were a couple who made it clear that they didn't like my decision, but they also added that they supported me and just wanted me to be happy. I think that's all anyone wants. Just show them how happy you are and they won't have a choice but to be supportive (if they really care).

[cat03]

I used to turn into an 8yr old little girl w/my father, even after I got married and stuff he always thought he could boss me around and I was careful not to do stuff that would dissagree w/him. But enough is enough. When you tell him you emphasize that this desicion makes you VERY happy and that this is waht you want, sorry if he doesn't feel the same but this is your decision, thank him for "supporting" you, the end, bye bye now...

Luckily, all 2 people who knew about my mess supported us getting back together, but had my extended family had known, (all zillion of them) hell would've broken loose.

Ron, about your post

the same place as no DBing would have

Have you learned nothing by allthis ordeal? I bet you have, yea, it could've been over faster but I believe that all that pain made each of us grow in a way nothing else could've have. I'm sorry it didtn' work fo ryou, but it wasn't because you didnt' try and that's something to be proud of, you went out fighting and that makes a huge difference.

[DonH]

"Have you learned nothing by allthis ordeal?"

I am assuming that by Ron you were just off a letter for Don. Have I learned nothing? Actually to the contrary, I may have learned too much. Just like because of my involvement with healthcare, having seen and treated thousands upon thousands of patients, I know too much. Sometimes just enough to be dangerous. However, what may not mean very much to many people, mean a whole heck of a lot to me when it comes to heart problems, breathing problems, trauma, etc. The same now goes for life. I now know that most of us here will not see our WAS return. I now know that what happened to us happens perhaps millions of times throughout the world. The syndrome of the WAS is not some long shot thing that just happened to us, it's something that is very common. I now know that 2nd M have a 65% chance of ending in D. I now know that 3rd M have a 80 to 85% of ending in D. I now know how many people pretty much lose their minds and break all of their promises to their S.

Oh sure, I have learned positive and productive things as well. I would not have learned these without the past 16 months. Still, just like if I ever get very sick or have a family member very sick, I now know too much. I can't do anything about illiness and death. We all will die some day. I don't have a choice to opt out. Knowing that any future M would only have a 20% chance of success is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Knowing how many S's pull the same crap, it is extreemly hard for me to trust again. For it really doesn't matter what they say. They can make all of the promises in the world. They can say anything. They can assure us their love for us is undieing and forever. The words are really not worth the air they flow through, now are they. Oh sure, many people never go through what all of us here have. However, prior to this, would anyone have even guessed how many do? I can assure you that had I known then what I know now, I don't think I would have ever married again. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish. I am proud of the changes I have made and the efforts I have made. However, like in healthcare, a ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

[cat03]

Knowing that any future M would only have a 20% chance of success is pretty much a deal breaker for me. Knowing how many S's pull the same crap, it is extreemly hard for me to trust again. For it really doesn't matter what they say.

OK, so the statistics are against 2nd marriages...but to those who escape a M and come to a new one with the SAME baggage they had from the first, when they think the othes is the problem and are just looking for sometone else.

Let's say for a sec that I would've D w/my H. If I were to be married again--and while sep. I always thought I would if D-- I would've never put my 2nd H behind the household chores and kids, I wouldn't have talked down to him and treat him like a kid the way I did to my H, I would've made him my priority over my kids (something I learned w/difficulty). I believe I would've had a much better chance than 20% , because I now realized I can be a nag and a b*tch and the way I treated my H was no way to treat a man.

I hope that eventually you are able to trust again, of course is totally understandable you feel like you can never trust anyone again...but I hope it is not forever.