Well...I'm voting he's not, so there....back to a level playing field.
So much for democracy with this huh? Both of our votes did squat to help her with her issues. It would be nice if her issue were this black/white...but unfortunately it's not likely to be.
GEL
well...not to fan the flames, but this did happen to my sis. its possible...I would say "not enough information" at this point to draw any conclusions, though.
I agree with you (and you aren't fanning any flames ). What you stated is kind of my point we don't have enough info...but issues like this are rarely that black & white. My point to Pit was more that his delivery of his opinion & perspective...was a bit insensitive.
He has experience with his SO turning out gay, you have experience with your sis going through something similar...so obviously that possibility isn't discounted, it's a viable possibility. I and several other women on this BB have experience with completely straight men with normal testosterone levels behaving in a very similar manner though...for completely different reasons.
Quote: Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-out problems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in the world.
As outreach, the network offers information about spouse and family issues, mixed orientation marriages and spouse resources to professionals, community organizations and the media.
I looked at the website and came to a single conclusion - these are better people than I. I have too much sexual jealousy to "share" in that way. If H were to ever "come out" I doubt I would be able to agree to a "mixed orientation" marriage. That being said, I do recognize that I have "agreed" (explicitly or implicitly) to many things that I don't really like in my marrige (e.g. low amounts of sex and passion) so I guess we all draw our lines where we need to.
It does indeed take all kinds... and there are different kinds of love.
I've mentioned in the past a man that I was intimate with off and on for over two decades. His W was bisexual and so was not particularly interested in him sexually, but they were devoted to each other. Sexually I was always absolutely satisfied with him, and I was also very fond of him. They would have easily included me in a three-way relationship, but *I* wanted the exclusivity of knowing that One Man loved me and chose me above all others. That man was my husband.
After he died, and in the subsequent turmoil of my R with my bf, I think I could go back to the ease with which I related to these two people. We were very comfortable with each other, and we always had lots of fun together. They were the kind of friends that when they came to my house I NEVER felt like I had to run around and clean up first! (No, she was never part of the sexual equation, although she was probably willing.) Alas, this man died a month before my H. His W, although she is in a new R with a woman, is still in deep grief over him-- it's been more than six years.
I have given up hope of finding a passionate emotional and physical/sexual connection with my bf. Maybe someday I'll find myself in another R-- I'm not THAT old! LOL! But after having been in all these different types of R's I can see more clearly how people can work out situations to their own satisfaction that look completely distasteful and even wrong to others...
I know you didn't mean it this way... but it's not that they are "better" than you... it's just that different people put the highest value on different aspects of the R. Clearly we see that on this board every day...
By "better" I meant more accepting, more understanding, and perhaps even kinder. I'm sure that after I got over an initial sense of "betrayal" that I could learn to understand the person's need to be who they are but they would need to do that in their own space, I don't think it would work in mine. That is what I mean by "better" - kinder and more accomodating.
Not to belabor it (NOT ME! NO! )... but I think you're a wonderfully kind and understanding person and these people are simply under the influence of different preferences. I don't think they are any kinder or more understanding. When my girlfriend discovered that she really didn't have any sexual interest in her H, and that she would prefer the sexual company of a woman, she was relieved when he and I got together. She told me this explicitly after his death, although I certainly knew it implicitly while he was alive.
Now, from his POV, he seemed genuinely happy when she met a woman with whom she was compatible. It didn't seem to bother him that she wasn't interested sexually in him., Of course, he was a 7 and some of them do their best to be okay with whatever happens. We'll never know how he really felt about it. Maybe HE qualifies for the "Better" designation.
I just meant that it's a question of preferences and not any superiority of character.
If you don't like chocolate, then giving it up for Lent is no sacrifice for you, kwim?
Yeah Lil I do see your meaning and I would understand how your girlfriend could feel that way because she obviously cared for her husband but more like a friend. As for him deciding to be happy with her finding love with another woman. Well...I guess we learn to live with lots of things that maybe weren't our original intention or preference especially when we have genuine respect and caring for that person.
After my first M went to crap and we D I haven't lost a single thought over his new sexual relationships. Actually, I'm glad when he has someone because he is happier and is able to be kinder to me then. However, I had long since lost sexual interest in him and had so I had no sexual jealousy. I'm just saying that if someone who I loved, who I wanted to have sex with decided that they needed to have sex with others - men or women I don't think I could have an "open" relationship and continue with the marriage. That is just me. I am someone who is truly meant for monogamy. Every time I have a little fantasy about meeting my libidinous needs outside my M but continuing with the M since H is a great Dad, a great guy and a great partner I ultimately come to terms with the fact that I'm just not built for that kind of confusion. I would wind up romanticizing Mr. Sex Partner and all that intention about not letting "affect" my M would be for naught. I guess that is what I end up thinking about the idea of an "open" M, that any partner who is given sexual license to operate outside the M may get sexual gratification only for a while but that ultimately they would be getting other needs met by their sexaul partner(s) that would negate the purpose of the M. I don't presume to say that it wouldn't work for other people (because apparently it does) I'm just saying that my sexual maturity doesn't extend that far - if I want to have sex with someone in a long term R then I pretty much want them to myself.
Karen, who would take her "ball" and go home rather than "share" her H
But hey Lil, I appreciate your confidence in my niceness. Sometimes the vengeful Scorpio in me makes me doubt it!
I'm going to do a lot of guessing here, partly because I don't know a lot of details, and mostly because I am an amateur at this in every sense of the word.
If you are in a committed, long-term relationship, then you should give progress all the time it needs. I would say if you fear that sometime in the near future that if things don't get better then he will leave, then your first problem is long-term commitment. If you fear that if you push an issue that it will drive him away, then your intimacy has problems as well. I don't mean to sound harsh in saying that. But in an intimate, trusting R, spouses should not fear to make there needs heard by their partners.
Of course, all that is well and good to be known, but it doesn't do you a bit of practical good. The question is what should you DO about it. I'd say the first thing to do is decide yourself where your boundary is. What are the things you absolutely MUST have or need in order to stay in a relationship or feel your are part of one? Then make that boundary known to your H in a very loving way. Remember, boundaries are NOT threats. You are simply stating how you feel, and allowing the other person to react to it in whatever way they choose. Of course, violating a boundary will have consequences, but those consequences have more to do with your resulting actions rather than trying to force an action in your partner. Subtle difference, and hard to put into practice, but vital.
So, let's get down to details. If you feel that regular sex is a vital part of a marital reltaionship for you, you might want to say something like "honey, I feel that sex should be a necessary and integral part of our relationship for it to be healthy. It is something that I need, to feel like we are truly married." Edit it to sound the way you want (and others may chime in here if I am leading the wrong way as far as boundaries are concerned).
The next thing is to wait for his response. It may be immediate, or it may just be a deflection. If it is a deflection, give it a few days and try again. If it is still deflected, you may want to try to make the boundary harder and clearer to him. If his response is that he does not feel the same way as you, then you have a hard choice to make.
Please anyone, if I am saying things wrong here, correct me.
Best wishes, Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chromes reply was very good. Sorry for the earlier hijack - Lil and I had a little side convo going. Believe me, I know the pain of being the HDW and the feeling that I must be fatally flawed if my H doesn't want to have sex with me OR as others have suggested, maybe its' him. Well, I suppose either could be the case but more likely, it is the marital dynamic that is off kilter. Many marriage therapists (Harville Hendrix and David Schnarch among others) have said that marriages are SUPPOSED to go off kilter to give us a chance to grow up, resolve our issues and be better people. It isn't easy but there is lots of help here and elsewhere (books, therapy etc...)
). What you stated is kind of my point we don't have enough info...but issues like this are rarely that black & white. My point to Pit was more that his delivery of his opinion & perspective...was a bit insensitive.
(No, she was never part of the sexual equation, although she was probably willing.) Alas, this man died a month before my H. His W, although she is in a new R with a woman, is still in deep grief over him-- it's been more than six years. 
)... but I think you're a wonderfully kind and understanding person and these people are simply under the influence of different preferences. I don't think they are any kinder or more understanding. When my girlfriend discovered that she really didn't have any sexual interest in her H, and that she would prefer the sexual company of a woman, she was relieved when he and I got together. She told me this explicitly after his death, although I certainly knew it implicitly while he was alive.