I am back again. Some of you may have read my posts but for those of you who havent here is a little bit of history. Last year my H after an argument told me that he wanted a D and ILYBINILWY. We were still having sex at that point but not very often. He was more interested in masturbating. After much begging (which I truly regret) on my part we decided to try to work it out. We went to MC a few times before I was diagnosed with a tumor that required surgery. The next few months our marriage was put aside and he was with me throughout my illness up to a few weeks after surgery. We got into another argument at which time he confirmed my suspicions that he was just with me until I was back on my feet. We separated. Four months later I decided to return to my home. I gave him the choice of leaving and he did but a few days later he returned home. He became much nicer and more attentive. We are getting along a lot better and he is so much more affectionate. He will get into bed and cuddle with me and kiss me and grab me but that is it. We kiss on the lips but very quick and simple kisses. Nothing passionate. I get upset sometimes and we argue about how he doesnt want to be intimate with me. I am attractive and I get plenty of attention from other me so this is hard for me to understand. He says he gets his relief from masturbation. So I am wondering if anyone out there can answer something for me, if he really isnt having an A is masturbating that much better than being with me. Not to say this would be acceptable but cant men just close their eyes and have sex with anyone who is there? I mean isnt having sex with your wife better than with yourself? At this point I dont know if this is because he is no longer attracted to me, or that masturbating is so much easier, or that it has been so long since he has had sex with me that he just doesnt know how to initiate it?
I want to tell him how I feel but everytime I try we argue. Its a sensitive subject for him. I am thinking of writing him a letter.
Any advice anyone? I want to be intimate with my H again.
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
I'm sure there will be all kinds of other opinions, but come on. You get into bed with an attractive woman who wants sex and you do nothing?
Its possible he has very low testosterone. Take him to an endochrine specialist... but I'm betting gay.
I've posted a few times here, but your story seems so familiar I had to make a rare post.
I could not understand why my wife was not only so cold to me but hostile anytime the dreaded deed came up even in conversation or in a movie.
When we were moving I found a box of letters and lo and behold here is a picture of a blond girl in a sexy pose and a letter to my wife talking about her leaving me for her and my wife's tough decision to stay with me and raise or baby.
I never told her I found it but all made sense. In a few years that little one goes to college and I leave my wife. I have prepared for years for it.
How rude of her, she gets to have sex with women but I don't.
That was a very insensitive response. YOUR W may have turned out gay, but that does not mean her H is.
There are women (and men too) on here who are married to someone with deeper issues where the answers aren't as simple as gay/straight. Take my own H for example...he's definitely NOT gay...BUT he does have other issues that stemm from his past (whore/madonna) and the fact that he was raised by parents that didn't show affection towards each other in front of the kids or in public (they formed his behavior as role-models). BELIEVE me at different times in this process I've gone through with him...I almost wished I'd discover he was gay, it would have been a comfort of sorts to me, but he's not. Oh..and he's also got normal testosterone levels (had those checked early on.)
Please think before you post something so insensitive to someone who is in obvious pain. There CAN be many other mental/trust issues at play.
If he's MB'ing for his release then he doesn't have to put that energy towards you. It's my guess he has some major trust issues towards you. MB'ing means he doesn't have to be intimate with you, doesn't have to be vulnerable at all...he can give you the attention he feels comfortable with at this time.
Oh and no...men can't just close their eyes and have sex with anyone who is there (at least I wouldn't generalize that...I'm sure some can.) I've known at least two men in my life whose emotions were attached to making love with a woman....I'd even stretch that to say 3 men (including my own husband). Don't let that misperception that men need sex just for the physical release mislead you.
Well...I'm voting he's not, so there....back to a level playing field.
So much for democracy with this huh? Both of our votes did squat to help her with her issues. It would be nice if her issue were this black/white...but unfortunately it's not likely to be.
When there are massive intimacy issues, MB is a much easier way to satisfy the male need for "release." As GEL says though, it is most likely not satisfying to your H, but it is just a way to get by.
Quote: He became much nicer and more attentive. We are getting along a lot better and he is so much more affectionate. He will get into bed and cuddle with me and kiss me and grab me but that is it. We kiss on the lips but very quick and simple kisses. Nothing passionate.
Those sound like good first steps, and very similar to my situation. During the infatuation stage, passion is very easy to acheive. This however can give us the mistaken impression that passion should be easy to acheive in the post-infatuation stages of a long-term R. I think everyone here on this board can testify to how hard it is to really acheive passion when there are underlying intimacy issues.
Quote: I am attractive and I get plenty of attention from other men so this is hard for me to understand.
Given that you are an attractive woman, I'm sure your H is attracted to you to some degree. But attraction doesn't automatically produce passion. Look at it from the dating perspective. If a woman found a man very attractive but is very shy, her physical responses to him could be easily misinterpreted by him as a lack of interest (or passion). I'm not saying your H is shy, but it is easy for other emotions to get in the way of passionate encounters.
Quote: cant men just close their eyes and have sex with anyone who is there
I'd venture to say that this is not the case for most men.
Quote: I want to tell him how I feel but everytime I try we argue.
Don't give up, don't stray from the point, don't let him deflect. This is VERY hard to do, and is something I am frankly horrible at doing. But unresolved arguments, especially serious ones, will kill any chance you have at intimacy.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
You seem like you have experience with this sort of issue. I am in the same boat. My H and I, after coming back from almost divorce, are doing much better in every aspect of our relationship. But H says he just doesn’t feel “that way” about me. I don’t know whether to push the issue (as I see him waiting for those feelings to just come back and I fear that if they don’t just magically come back he will leave again) or giving it time. Any suggestions?
