A question for all of you piecing..are you happy?

[kasiopeia]

Hi,It definately is not easy,but i agree with the majority,you have to make yourself happy.That is where the best comes from.
As far as,if you can ever be happy with your decision,i think if you really love each other that it can and will work.Any relationship can turn sour,but if you really love each other it can be worked out.I feel that both parties need to work on it though.I feel for those that don't get the love from spouse when the spouse returns.That would be difficult.God Bless,K

[toughlover]

I'm happy sometimes, sometimes I'm not. Given the specs of my sitch, I'm happy we're where we're at, but I hope we don't stay here but keep moving, keep progressing, but that's what everyone should be doing...cause you're always moving, either forward or backwards.

I think we just have a relationship with every bit of the illusions and wishful thinking stripped away, and we're not replacing it with anything that's not real (I hope).

As me again in 3 more months

[StrongEnough]

After almost two years in piecing and nothing getting much better I can honestly say that I am NOT happy. H isn't happy either.

It was just too easy to go back to having those hateful feelings towards each other and acting on them I guess. Doing/saying things we know are going to irritate the other but saying/doing them anyway.

If that isn't enough to prove it, maybe the almost 50 *yikes* pounds I have put on (emotional eater..gain lots when I am unhappy) is definitely an indicator!

[MotherMovingOn]

HI SE!

I'm happy to see you again, but so sorry things are not going the way you had hoped.

May I ask you some questions then?

1. When you both decided to reconcile, did you establish clear goals and talk about what you wanted out of the marriage or did you both stay quiet about things hoping time would heal the wounds.

2. Did your H make an effort to change? Did he try to make amends for the ways that he hurt you? Do you trust him?

3. Do you feel comfortable talking to him about the things that trouble you or are you unable to communicate your feelings?

4. HAve either of you sought out individual counceling or marriage therapy?

I ask because I wonder if, when a reconcilliation happens after we have been DBers for so long, we are able to suddenly express our emotions again in a productive and healthy way, or if we stay silent as we did while DBing? How difficult is it to switch gears like that?

I know that keeping all your feelings in is bad, but we get into the habit of it when we DB right? Does it feel like a "risk" to open up?

Anyway SE, you are strong and wonderful and you will get through this. Can you turn back to the basics a little bit to try to impove the situation with H and yourself?

Good luck to you my friend.
Althea

[StrongEnough]

Hi Althea!!

I'm sorry to read about how your sitch has turned out. I haven't posted here in a LONG time....but I have kept up with most people's goings ons. (Yeah, nosey me!! Haha)

I will gladly answer your questions:

1) When we decided to reconcile...we spent about three weeks discussing our wants/needs to be sure the other one clearly understood. For a little bit....things were great.

2) My H did make an effort to change. I will have to say that he likes to put time limits on everything. In other words..he will say "We will make sure we go to bed together every night"...then not do it...when I mention something I get "That was 2 years ago, so you wouldn't worry I was doing something wrong". So, he will revert back to his old self if drastic improvements aren't made in the time frame he had in mind. I can't say I trust him comletely yet.
3) Do I feel comfortable talking to him? Not really. It seems that I can't have a problem or concern without paying dearly for it. Before then, it was just a lot of things that were hard for ME to come to terms with in my own mind, never mind saying them out loud.
4) COunseling- We initially tried individual. Turned out to be disastrous.

For me, I found that even now, it is hard to break out of my self containment unit. (That's what I call it) I am still pretty much 100% self-reliant. After two years, it is still very hard to switch gears. I think a lot of it has to do with not feeling safe yet confiding all in my H and leaning on him for my emotional needs. In my mind (twisted and crazy as it is) I only feel safe when I keep things inside and to myself. For self preservation..a great thing......for a healthy marriage.....a terrible thing!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can try to go back to basics, which I think is my only option. However, since I am already so self-reliant and independant....if I happen to become more so because of re-connecting with my DB self it could be the end all of my marriage.

By now I'm sure you guessed my H likes to be in total control. He despises DB because he feels it is manipulative. I know it's more that it takes control away from him.

Keep your chin up Althea....you sound great considering what you have been through. Let me know about your night club.....I will be there with bells on for the grand opening!!!

SE

[MotherMovingOn]

I truly admire those of you going through a reconciliation. And I so appreciate you sharing your experiences. I have often tried to put myself in your shoes and wondered if I could do it--after all the lies and the terrible betrayals I wonder if I could put my own pain aside long enough to learn the lessons I need to learn and also let my H ease back into a good R with me. You are all very brave and big hearted people to forgive and try to move on.

I am still pondering this question:

What has to change in us, and in our WAS's in order for us to live happily once again with them? What is the winning combination necessary to lead to a better marriage? For my part, because of who I am, there would have to be transparency, openness and honest communication. There would also have to be clear intention on the part of my H to win me back and help me to trust him again. There would also have to be a lot of verbal reassurances. This is just me of course, perhaps my needs vary greatly from others, but I could not imagine a reconciliation without these things. I understand that while I can no longer expect anyone else to make me happy, I also cannot be expected to stay quiet when things trouble me.

We can change many things about ourselves. We can change habits and the way we respond to people. We can change our physical appearance and our careers. People all around us can tell us how awesome we are and we can feel awesome and proud of ourselves, but if our spouse does not see it or appreciate it, can we be happy?

Can we change the way in which we need to feel loved by another? If your returning H or W is not showing the love you want, need and deserve can you alter your expectations and be happy with that? I realize we make our own happiness, but we don’t live in a vacuum and in a marriage we are profoundly affected by the behavior of our spouse. Or perhaps the affection or love language they do express is all the more sweet because you have come so close to losing it and can appreciate the little things more?

I want to believe it is all possible. I want to believe that if my H were to come home, we could work toward something more wonderful. There are many things I have faith in—especially the power of my love and the beauty of my family and I want to believe that these strengths could carry me through any difficulty. Sadly, for me there will not be that longed for reconciliation, but I still hope and pray that for those of you here, there will be great love renewed in your marriage.

Guts and Glory to you all,
Althea

[ford]

I think this thread shows how important it is to make yourself happy.

I've been back with my wife for over a year, and yes I'm happy, but it isnt because I'm with my wife.

I've learned so much over this past year.

the first thing I've learned is to never sell your soul. I think I did this because I was sooo sure that if I got my wife back, all my problems would go away and we'd be happy for ever, amen.
the fact is, I ended up resenting her and myself for not being able to look at what had happened as reality, I saw it as a bad dream, something I could act like it never happened. it did happen. ugly as it is, it happened.

Now let me say my wife has done EVERYTHING she can to make up for it and I can say now I don't hold a grudge. we get alonng great now. But I just don't see her as "Wife" material now. I'll be her friend forever, but i'm taking steps now to break away on my own. I know now that I will be just fine.

The memorys of all the lies and the affair are something I just can't get past. they hurt the kids went through, i can never forget that, I can forgive, but not forget.

after some time back together with me gaining strength and getting my mojo back, I realized I didnt want to settle. to me, a wife is someone who has your back, someone you never have to have your gaurd up with, and after all thats happened, I know I can never drop my gaurd with her.

I realized she deserves a shot at an untainted marriage as much as I do, and our marriage is tainted

I don't want to live with the fact my wife lied, cheated and was generallya horrible person for a time, breaking the hearts of me and our childeren, once that happens there is no going back for me. I tried, but the feeling I was settling was too big to overcome.

she still wants to work it out, and I don't want to lead her on, i've been brutally honest how I feel. she is totally sorry and wished it never happened, i believe her.

it's just me.

there ya go....

[StrongEnough]

Ford.....

Thanks SO MUCH for your post! That is some very powerful stuff and pretty much puts into perspective the things I was at a loss for.

If I could only get it together like you have it. If nothing else, you have confirmed my suspicion that I need to start back at square one for ME and MY KIDS, recenter myself and be happy for me and because of me....and not for H and because of H.

[MotherMovingOn]

Excellent replies here, I really appreciate it and it gives me much food for thought. There is no doubt that this has forced me to look deep within, to change my life for myself and to find happiness in places I would never have looked before. Silver linings and all...

Ford, I too would have sold my soul to have H come home. I didn't care if he came back from guilt about the children, or only because ow dumped him (I wish!) or because he didn't have money for another place (rich father solved that problem), I just wanted him home. I figured once he was back, we could find love again. I am so glad now none of those scenarios played out--I realize it would not have "made me happy."


Anyway, I am glad for this discussion--it is insightful and real.
Althea

[25yearsmlc]

Hey,

I'm in process of deciding about taking H "back" although it is never worded that way. IF H could somehow make me feel reassured that the past deceptions would not reoccur, I'd be a lot closer to saying yes. I have been more forgiving than I knew I could be and I am glad for that. ALSO, regardless of people who say it takes work, so do ALL R's and we underestimate greatly, how much work it'd take to be with new OP. But it's work either way and why not do it with the one you've got the years and chillden with? One other thing: my M was once quite good so I do have an image of what it can be like with H before the alien came. That makes a lot of difference I think, cuz' I read many here who have never been all that close or happy and might be trying to get something they cannot visualize and that is super hard. FWIW, I will let you know if H can meet me half way, or 1/5 the way or whatever. And I will very diligently work hard at telling the difference between pride ;and healthy self respect, and to keep on doing the loving thing....just wish it was always clear what that was....keep posting, it is interesting and like you, I see a silver lining no matter what. Last year at this time, I was terrified. I am not afraid anymore, or at least not as much. that is something.

j-