I like to come to this forum and read. I want to know what the "could have been" feels like. I have a couple very near and dear to me who are piecing after one year (she had an affair but is doing EVERYTHING right to make up for it) and still, even though they are an amazing, beautiful couple, they have major bouts of difficulties, unhappiness, depression and anger.
So, in my wildly imaginative brain I wonder what would it have been like if my H and I got back together. Would I have been able to do the things necessary to accept him back? Would I be able to trust him again? Would I forever doubt his sincerity or love?
I see, as I read your posts here, how incredibly difficult it is to come back together. I know that this is a place to vent and things are probably not as bad as they seem here because we tell each other the good bad and ugly and sometimes what is on the page is different than what is at the home.
However, I really would like to know if you are happy now. Do you have doubts about whether it was the right thing to do? Do you ever find yourself wanting to walk away? Does your returning spouse try hard to earn back your love and make up for all the pain they caused or do they return to the old behavior that drove you crazy before the bomb? Do they take responsibility or try to sweepit under the rug?
I'd love to know what your different experiences have been. My hats off to all of you who are doing this work. I know how hard it is, how much self control it takes and I admire you all for the love in your hearts to do it. I wish I had been given a chance with my H, but it looks like that is not ever going to happen.
The answer everyone should give is, "I make my own happiness. My spouse isn't responsible for my happiness. I simply want to share it with him/her".
The reality is that it's hard work. Maybe harder than starting anew with someone else, but it's also more rewarding. The goal for me is creating an environment where it's easy for us both to be happy. Have I succeeded in that? No, because it is very hard. I'm happy that I'm with her and we have a comfortable kind of love. There are bumps, potholes, and roadblocks in this road, but I learn something from these (I hope) and eventually we'll smooth those out together. So, the short answer: Yes, I'm happy. Long answer: There are still problems that we need to resolve together to make this the most fulfilling marriage possible. And I still need lots of work.
Its not all it is cracked up to be. My H left for 3 months and this week is the 1 yr anniversary of his rtn. Sunday is our 18th wedding anniversary. I figure I will spend it alone, not getting any i love yous and not looking into each other's eyes. My H has never re-committed to the relationship fully, refused to see any counselors, mtgs, etc. He seems to only be here for the kids. I told him if he leaves I will not take him back #2, so he strongly considers that. He also has nowhere to go as he didn't get along with his father the first time and we have no $ unless we sell for him to get an apt. So I feel like I am in lingo, I never stopped loving me but says he doesn't feel the same towards me anymore. I still say ILU but don't get a rtn. And he cannot forgive or forget anything ever. I have tried everything I could, but tell him that I have kept up my end of the bargain he has to make up his mind. I don't know how long my mental state can put up with this situation as it stands now. Everyone, friends, family, therapists say if this fails it is totally not my fault, I did everything I could. Not that that makes me feel better. Know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love you back? And lately it seems like he doesn't even respect me anymore. And short of this forum I don't really have anyone to talk to about it which hurts as well. My parents died 15 yrs ago. I feel pretty much alone at times.
Me 43 H 44 S-13 D-9 Separated 90 days 6/28/05 H Says he is done-10/2/06-day after 18th anniv Moved out 10/2/07-to father's house-day after 19th wedding anniv-GF now H Filed for D 7/08
same as phoenix, I have to make myself happy, I am happy he is back and that he's warmed up to me some, no ILYs nor affection like before, but I guess there is still time.
I do despair but I know I can't have all I want. So for now, I'm grateful for what I have, he is w/me, not exatly the way I wish but he wants us to work.
It sure is hard work!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Indigo, sorry I forgot to mention that small detail. It was just one of those things...what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
HSSweatheart,
Not sure whether being present in the house is actually "piecing". My idea of that is two people both committed to making the marriage work, despite the difficulties. Your situation sounds a lot like a more slow, protracted version of ILYBINILWY. It seems to me you should still be focused more on yourself and making your own happiness than on a marriage that he doesn't seem to want.
That is never the kind of "piecing" that I wanted, one in which the spouse returns grudgingly and half-heartedly. I think that the relationship hasn't turned a corner unless they are at least willing to give it a shot. Some appear to do that at a slower pace than others. Hard situation.
Quote: he's warmed up to me some, no ILYs nor affection like before
Not sure how I would handle that. I doubt I'd do that well with half-ways back. My "W" isn't like that. She is all the way in...getting her hands dirty. I know she loves me and she tells me so. Our problems are usual marital difficulties, plus dealing with past issues, plus a few other wrinkles and mistrust brought about by stupid lies (from me). We deal with demons and fears that stuck with us from the old, dead marriage. But at least I don't have to worry (most of the time) about making her love for me, just keeping it alive (which is hard enough).
Happiness needs to come from within. And then transferred to our journeys. And yes, both people need to be in. You know, I don't get the ILY's all the time either - and in fact - I don't mind. It's almost as if all the ILY's in the months prior to the bomb weren't sincere. Now, when WAW does say it - I feel it - and it comes from someplace deeper in her core (and mine). If that makes any sense.
I think if you can get your frame to a place where you aren't "piecing", but rather off on your journey of life - and really living it - you will automatically get a partner - he/she won't be able to resist. And if you go off the deep end (thanks TJ) they will follow with intense curiosity. Inner happiness, projected outward, attracts. I'm glad to be here, where ever that is. Because I know I won't be here for long.
My .02 for now.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
When W announced about 4 months ago she wants to work it out and wants to go to MC (her suggestion!), I was hopeful and looking forward to move to piecing. Since then I learned that she contacted Om again, and last week she called him at least once a day. After I put my foot down she did write Om last Monday an email that it's over and cc'ed me on it. So I will wait and see.
Depending on W's mood I got everything over the last 4 month, ILY, ILYBINILWY, I DON'T LY (last Sat), ILY like a friend, not like a husband.....pretty much every variation that's out there.
W only purpose in life right now is to make herself happy, the family is collateral damage. Looking back I don't really see W's committment.
I know I'm responsible for my own happyness, but it is very difficult to be happy when you see your family falling apart and the children are affected by her behavior.
So to answer the question of this thread I'm not happy. And I'm not sure anymore if I'm in the right forum. Thinking to move to MLC.
And I do have the thoughts of walking away. During the last month at least once a day.
it rocks me to the core when I sit and think "man, my H doesnt' feel much for me now" it truly does.
But, I have not choice, this man adored me and loved me to pieces, that's what carries me sometimes, the memories that I once was his everything, the hope that one day he decides to love me w/that intensity again.
Mind you, his mind did turn to swiss cheese and has huge personal issues (childhood, adhd) so I can see he can only handle one thing at a time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
