I think I mentioned somewhere that I've started attending counseling sessions with my bf and his wonderful therapist every other week. BF still goes by himself on the intervening weeks. I've been with him three times so far.
BTW, I gave the C the book Peace Between the Sheets and he's reading it and sees how it might help me and BF get back in the groove. This is the C that my late H went to also, and uncannily, he is also the perfect C for my BF. They were both raised by single moms who smothered them, both suffer from physically caused ED, both divorced-- C is enough older to serve as a father figure. Anyway, he's perfect.
Now-- on to the intriguing title of my post:
My bf has major mom issues. His mom is still living (89) and runs a bar. She puts out major inappropriate sexual vibes to this very day, and it came out in our counseling session yesterday (me and bf's, that is) that his mom (she raised him alone-- he is an only child) used to run around the house in bra and panties when he was a young boy and when he was as old as 9 or 10, would occasionally come into the bathroom when he was in the shower and handle what she called his "gadget." When he told this, I cried... for the little boy who couldn't protect himself from this mother and yet couldn't live without her either. As a very young boy, he did sleep in the same bed with her (not sure what age).
His mom used to beat him, and he told me once that she would make him go out and cut a switch from a shrub (he still lives in that house, and he has cut that shrub down to the ground more than once!) and when she would start to hit him, she would hold her tongue and mouth in a peculiar way. Don't know exactly what that means, but it gives me the creeps.
Once I did come upon him in the shower with the intention of "fooling around," and he all but threw me out of the room. Now I know why.
As icky as this is, I'm glad it's coming out in the sessions with the C. The way it came out was I point-blank asked BF in front of C: "Were you ever sexually molested by your mom?" C picked up on that and asked some very gentle questions where the above info came out.
BTW, he FINALLY paid his ex the money he owed her from two years of not paying child support due to being unemployed after he lost his job and had heart surgery, etc. AND today is his twins' 18th birthday. Pretty ironic, eh? Or cosmic, if you prefer to look at it that way.
Re his mom's inappropriate sexual remarks: last night the three of us went to a class (taught by his C, as a matter of fact-- the class on Forgiving Yourself that I mentioned on cobra's thread-- where is that guy anyway?) and when I walked up she complimented me on my blouse and then said to both of us that the men in the bar told her they were going to buy her a tight t-shirt to wear instead of those loose high-necked blouses she usually wears. She told this with great delight and much giggling.
Oh my goodness, Lil. Your BF has some tricky issues to deal with. No wonder he has some sexual misgivings. Be patient with the man, he has a lot of sorting out to do.
Is he willing to discuss this with you?
My best to you.
Cine
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
The session yesterday was so interesting. There are times when I catch a glimpse of my bf's soul, and he is just a pure, shining, innocent.... like Gawain in the Arthurian legend. He really doesn't have any malice in him-- all of his anger and negative stuff is purely defensive. When he was telling us about this, he was so clean and clear... you might almost say "noble." There was no color, no blaming, no seeing his mom through rose-colored glasses, but no condemning of her either. It's a fine line to walk-- one that I am not able to. When I think of my own family issues, I'm not able to view them dispassionately, but he is. My hat's off to him for this.
When I heard the part about his mom and the shower, it was all I could do to be civil to her when I saw her later in the evening.
I don't know if I ever told the story that she stopped beating him when he was about 17 and she wouldn't stop one day and he decked her. They went into therapy together and she quit it.
Wow Lil! What a thing to confirm. It's one thing to suspect something like this, but completely different to actually hear someone say it themselves...my heart goes out to your BF on this.
Perhaps NOW you two can begin to move forward. It's still amazing to me the power that the spoken word holds in healing. He's finally let this out, now that it's out there...and people other than himself know about it....he can really start to deal with it.
It's funny, but I had suspicions of this from the first couple of months that we met. I got on the net and got books on the subject of moms molesting boys-- and there's not a lot out there on that. Once we watched a movie where there was an older woman who messed with a little boy and I even asked him, Did anything like that ever happen to you, and he said no, I don't think so.
And he probably doesn't see it as all that bad... and yet if I said to him-- and I do plan to wait for the right moment to say this to him, maybe not until we're back there in the C's office-- picture one of your daughters at the age of 10, naked in the shower, mom divorced so she's not around... and you as the dad go in the bathroom and handle her breasts-- God, the thought would probably make him throw up. It almost makes me throw up.
I believe something like this happened to my mother, which is why she won't talk about her childhood AT ALL. I suspect she was molested either by her older brother or possibly by her parish priest. Her parents were immigrants, her father worked at the church, priests were God and could do no wrong. I know that she was moved to another parish school around age 13 when the rest of her 9 brothers and sisters stayed at the original school.
I think I've mentioned this before, but if you see a photo of BF's mom at around age 40, it IS a picture of his ex. Not just a resemblance, but it absolutely IS the same face. When I first saw that I said to his mom, "Wow! Your picture at that age could be a picture of R___." She said, "I know."
I feel so bad for that little boy who had no place to go and got tangled in this spider's web... love, fear, attraction, revulsion, "feeling special," but wanting to run and hide.
Re Lil I got on the net and got books on the subject of moms molesting boys-- and there's not a lot out there on that I don't think guys want to talk about if it did happen, especially it the mother was the main care-giver.
One, he has to dis his mother, and two, girls are encourager to talk as help, guys are expected to suck it up if it wasn't a constant happening.
I think mom's as the primary care-taker can barge in on girls and boys but dads better not do it to girls.
Its a gender inequality if you want to put it that way. Just look at what happened to female teachers that had a R with a underage male student. Some people say the guy got lucky.
Where a girl might feel violated, It's my opinion the boys feelings were more along the lines of embarrassment.
I don't know what age a mother coming into a shower would make a boy feel abused but, at 9 or 10 yes that is way too old for a mother to be interested in a son's gadget.
One of my mother's friends wondered about her son's gadget. She hadn't seen it for several years and wondered if he developed, something similar to a daughters breast development. I think she wanted to know if the son was developing along some age appropriate lines.
Was your bf's mother interested as a mother, hoping the son was normal, or was it a sexual interest?
I can see how some of your bf's mothers actions, effect his life today.
Wow - what an eye-opener. Does knowing that kind of information help you be more kind to yourself about the odd vibe in the R, about how you felt that "ick" feeling from bf sometimes, that kind of thing? I hope you both can move forward from here to a better place with fewer barriers between you.
I really hope that in time, your bf will read PBS. For reasons, all kinds of reasons, I just really believe, in my heart, that both he and you would get so very much from it...
Dear Lil, I want to give you feedback that your BF must really trust you to share such difficult information with you about his past. Molestation by a parent is such a complicated issue and I am glad that he is working with a therapist on all of the multitude of feelings that occur after this breach of boundary occurs. I think it will be important to be gentle with this topic and I encourage you to get the counselor to help you both through and recommend that you hold off on the example of the girls in the shower. It seems that you are a very supportive and caring partner and I hope you will take good care of yourself within this realization as well.
SusieR
Divorce Busting Coach
To schedule an appointment with Susie, please give us a call at 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004.
