You're right. ANd actually, i spoke to my C today, who is also our MC and she said the exact same thing, almost to a tee. I am in so much pain. Everytime he comes back, i get my hopes up. I mean, i always know it can happen again, but he seems so sincere each and every time. Then a few weeks go by and he goes to the dark side again. I so worry about the fact that he has the ability to do these things with seemingly no guilt.
Let me ask you Kasiopea, I see that your H had a PA 6 years ago. This must mean that you survived it, correct? How hard was it for him to give her up? How long did that road back take you two? I feel like anybody in their right mind would have kicked my H out LONG AGO, but yet i still hang on. And he is treating me so terribly, that I don't know why I am hanging on.
Well, H finally showed up on Friday. Said he HAD spoken to her on Monday and that he needed time to clear his head about how he felt about it. So, he now says (once again) that I am who he wants and that he loves me very much and wants a life with me raising our boys.
I told him that at this point, any contact with OW is unacceptable. I told him that he can have a friendship with her, but he just couldn't be in an R with me at the same time. He said it wouldn't be a problem (again, heard that before).
He did seem very sincere. But I do think he actually saw her on Monday and didn't just talk to her on the phone. But clains that not to be the case.
For the moment, he seems to really want to be here. But I wonder how long it will last this time.
By the way, he finally told OW that he is working on the M. Prior to this, he did not tell her he was back with me. He thought she might call here or something (which she did the first time he came back in March).
I don't knwo what to believe anymore. I know that when he is the way he is yesterday and today, i just want to be with him. It's when he starts to withdrawl that his alter ego returns.
Anyway, not sure if he's broken the addiction yet. i guess time will tell.
Hi, When my H was in the full aspect of his A,i did not know about it.I felt something was wrong,just had no answers.He never left home and went to work.He had A with co-worker.I am really not sure how long it lasted,but when he was over it i could tell because he started "coming" back to me.I always asked him if he was having an A,and he denied it.One day the OW's H called me and i found out and confronted H.He gave it all up then,and begged for forgivness and wanted to work on M.The OW lost her job,so she was out of the picture.It was a long road,i asked H to leave a time or maybe two.I always told him he could come back ,i was weak.I decided we needed a C and he agreed and we went and worked on M.It took about a year for me to feel like we might make it. I know how it feels when you have no control over them.My H didn't leave me,but emotionally he did. -Marriage is good now.We communicate much better.We know when we have a problem to sit down and discuss it. -I believe in your situation you just have to let him know that you really mean it when you tell him it's you or OW.Everyones sit. is different and it is hard,but this can't keep going on.As they say,GAL,even if he shows up,do for you and your kids.Be nice but not a maid.Hope things get better for you and he really is done w/OW for GOOD.God Bless,K
I do believe I made it clear that if OW is in the picture, I will not be. He gets that.
The last week has been very good. We went to his C on Tuesday and we went to our MC on Wed. He says he does not have feelings for OW. Should I beleive this? Anyway, this week he has been very engaged. Very attentive. Not withdrawn. He is slowly starting to move his stuff back into the house. He's been staying here every night.
It seems like that last time when I told him that I was done and we didn't talk for 4 days, he seemed to snap back. I mean, since he came back last Friday, he seems to really want to be here. He seems happy. He seems into me. I got two bouquets of flowers tonight.
Is it possible the addiction is broken? Or shoudl I expect another relaps? I have been feeling very connected to my H over this past week. Should I be afraid of that?
Also, and I know i've stated this before, but I am very concerned about a business trip next month where OW will be. It's a big convention and I know last year at this thing, they hung out a lot. In MC the other day, we talked about me going with him on the trip. I really want to go. I feel very uncomfortable with him there with here there. He says I have nothing to worry about. He said it's fine if I go, but he will be very busy every day and night adn tht if I go, it will have to be like I'm not there. There will be absolutely no time for us to spend together. I told him that i'm fine with that becasue it gives me time to spend alone. I'm trying not to make it like I"m babysitting him. Any advice here? Help.
Here's a question that was asked on one of the MLC threads...
How do we know when our spouses R ends with OP? What are the signs we should look for? I don't know about anybody else, but I have learned that words alone don't cut it. What behaviors will we see in our spouses when the A truely dies.
This is a great thread. My thread is in mlc..."are they really happier."
It is so hard not knowing what stage they are in with the ow. My H has a MOW. I found 2 weeks ago that they spent a night at a motel. Someone called to tell me. I thought I better tell H because mow H is supposedly a jealous man with a temper.When I told him I knew he said she is seperated and filing for D and that her H knew. I said " if that was the case then why do you spend most of your free time with me. If she is seperated you should be spending it with her. Go be with her." He had no answer.
After that incident we spent time together, he actually called me on the phone (often in the middle of the night or early am) asking me to come see him or just chatting for a few minutes. Very strange. But we seemed to be making progress. Then yesterday he is cold and couldn't look me in the eye. Started an argument. Must have seen MOW that day.
How do we know when they are done with them???????
Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny), that when we're going through this, we feel like we're in a circus... like we're the only crazy lunatic who is putting up with this crazy behavior. Then we come to this board and see how many of our spouses are acting the exact same way.
I felt like my H was the most rotten, dishonest person ever for doing all the stuff he's done in the past 9 months, but then I come here and read about how common some of this behavior is.
It's also crazy that we can tell when OW is back based on their mood and the way they treat us.
How does the A ever end? I feel like at the rate I'm going, this could go on forever in an endless cycle.
I'll check out your thread. I'm on the MLC board as well, "Hope for the best, expect the worst".
Good luck to you. Your thread has been helpful to me. I can relate. Unfortunately my H isn't wanting to work on our M and even though the MOW w/ kids is getting a D and they say the R is over, I know we are arguing semantics b/c they still have an emotional attachment.
Like you, my H and the OW work together. Is it possible for your H to change jobs? How are you going to deal with that? Good luck! Julie
I think it's happening again... YES, AGAIN! He jsut got back from biz trip and she was there. I suspect that they got together there. He did tell me he saw her, but that he was never alone with her. I don't believe him. And now thta I am questioning him about it, he seems to be getting irritated with me.
I've also been noticing that he's not as forthcoming with his cell phone as he said he would be. I think they have resumed contact and I think he is missing her. I am really at a pooint where I think i'm going to call it quits. He has trated me like abosolute crap. He is killing me. He makes me feel like I"m th jerk if I look at his cell phone.
I don't know what more I can do. I'm completely running out of energy at this point.
H cannot stop contact with OW. Found a text message from her last night. Said he likes talking to her and doesn't know why he can't give her up. I feel like he loves her and not me and that he only comes home for the "package".
I put a longer post on the MLC board, but the net, net is that I told him that I am not willing to tolerate any friendship with OW or lying. THey clearly have more than a business R.
