Everyone, I have been reading around here lately and noticing a trend that disturbs me. Several posters have been telling people who are in a rather distraught state that if they only use the DB principles properly they will not fail--thereby implying 1)that the LBS has some sort of control over the reactions of the spouse, and 2) that if the spouse does not return to the marriage that is because the LBS was not DBing "properly".
I try to chime in on these threads but there are too many so I thought I would make some general remarks. I hope they are not taken as discouraging or anything. But here they are. And since most of you do not know me I will just say my xhusband had a horrific MLC experience of epic proportions, we have been divorced for more than a year, and I have been following the stories of people here since January 2002. Seen a lot and been through it all.
As to DBing "properly"-- in difficult situations like you are in, you do the best you can. You did not choose to be in this situation and you are trying your best to save your marriages. Some will be saved and some will not. The outcome is not up to you! DB techniques are NOT failproof. If your marriage is saved maybe it has something to do with your actions. Maybe not. If your marriage does not survive MLC MOST LIKELY it has nothing to do with you. And the people who say otherwise are making you think that IF ONLY you had done or will do x or y then your MLC spouse will come home to you.
This upsets me very much as I know that places the entire responsibility and guilt for something that is not your fault on you. And that's wrong.
DB techniques can help communications and I advocate them 100% They also help with life in general. There is no perfect execution of them, and every situation is different. In many situations the WAS is just gone and there is not one thing on God's green earth we could do to change it. You will never know that if you do not try, but the feelings of being useless and worthless that come with being abandoned are not helped by people telling you that you that you have not tried hard enough or have not DBd properly if things do not turn around.
The other question I am seeing rather often is I am afraid of making my spouse angry in expressing my financial requirements in separation or divorce negotiations. What should I do?
I am not a lawyer and do not represent myself as that, but I will tell you the most frequent regret I have seen on the boards is being afraid of making the WAS angry during the financical settlement. Everyone, this part is BUSINESS. The law is there to PROTECT you. Do what is right, have the best lawyer you can find or afford, use their advice, take mediation if you can, but the feelings of your WAS when they have ababdoned you and possibly your children are not relevant in that discussion. what matters is what the law provides. That's what I mean in this post by taking care of you. Your WAS is not thinking like you, that person is in another world, and you have to ficus on your future well being and that of your children.
I hope this post will help someone tonight, it took me a long time to write and think through, but the summary is DB and do everything you can to save your marriage if that is what you want and then take care of you. The MLCers will not usually take care of you. Cheers. Wonder
I think what you have said is wonderful and much needed, and I appreciate the time and thought that went into your post.
I have many times been frozen, unable to do anything, for fear I would "DB wrong". Be a friend, go dark, act "as if"--I would twist myself in knots trying to figure out how to do all that simultaneously. Especially when my preference was to take a ball bat to his head. (Yeah, I at least figured out that was not "good DB'ing".)
Same for the financial settlement issue. Have in the past dreaded sending my counter, knowing what sort of negative reaction I would get. But I am past that now. Know, like everything else, I have to do that for me.
Again, thank you for your wise words, and taking the time to monitor this board and share when you think something needs to be said.
Dear I Wondertoo, I think that what you said is very important. In particular, the part about wanting people to feel that even if they tried their best with DB techniques that the outcome of the marriage is not always what they had hoped for. I also believe that people on the board are trying to be supportive through their feedback and that their intentions are to be helpful! Thanks for your thoughts...
SusieR
Divorce Busting Coach
To schedule an appointment with Susie, please give us a call at 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004.
You are so right. It is important that every one realize that dbing is for us. The techniques help us work on ourselves and get a life. More importantly like you said it helps us understand that we cannot control our WAS. We can only control ourselves and we can be happy no matter what the outcome of our m's.
OK, well I am really annoyed that I just wrote a very long post and lost it so just bumping this up and thanking Annie, Mermaid, and Susie the dB coach for responding. The rest of you are you ok and do you understand?
Iwondertooo Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. In fact we had a previous thread going which discussed that a) MLCs differ in severity, possibly in part depending on how damanged the person is; b) MLCs differ in length of time c) some of what we hear about may not be MLC, or only part MLC
Also MLC is 'all about me' we are not really the issue or problem, and may need to change very little. In fact they may value our stability. There is good advie in the resource section which suggests that you change only what you want to change. I don't think 'classic' DB really works for MLC, because you are dealing with someone irrational and crazy. Some things you do and say go in, but others don't. I think DB does start to work when they are coming out of the crisis, and becoming saner.
However, I certainly think that the 'Don't cry, plead and beg' is true, and so is getting a life.
Wonder...thanks for your wonderful post. This is such a traumatic process for the LBS, it's often difficult to overcome feeling that we need to "do something the right way, or else..."
I have found that the easiest thing for me is to apply the general principles, which make sense, with my gut instinct on what is right. each of us had different M's, different spouses, etc....and we know what ways to handle our sitch's and lives are....
There is no "right" way in all of this....no "way" at all....just get on with life, be happy and be strong and see what comes of it all.
Thanks for being a strong light to all of us here.
wonder, no need to be annoyed about your lost post, you're first post was really great. IMHO when dealing with an mlc spouse who's gone into space big time, the most important thing to do is take care of one's self. Our own actions are the only thing that we are in control of, and even with that there is no wrong or right answer because everyone's situation is very different. Glad you took the time to post a very good thread.
Problem is to be "in control" even of our own actions. When in this very out of control situation i.e. it got out of our control b/c it is happening even though we did not want it or ask for it, there is so much to deal with and so much emotion. Yes, we can let go, we can GAL, etc., but I have the feeling at least for me that sometimes I am a bull being pulled around by a ring in my nose. And the person at the end of the rope is some version of me.
So, for example, when meeting w/ my h last night in the 1st round of discussion about D negotiations, I wanted to be cool, to be able to say that we can do this business negotiation and leave the hurt, the sharp edges behind. But even as I approached the meeting I could feel the pull of emotion (from me - he had not said or done anything b/c I was not there yet).
Guess I am not even sure I can claim control of my own actions. I know what I want to do, I have an idea of where I want to go to find my own peace, but it is elusive, and esp. at moments like this. I sure know I cannot control anyone elses actions. xxx Amy
