Forgive my tone, but you need to cut out that emailing the other guy stuff ASAP else you're going to heap misery on yourself.
Shortly after my W and I started making "a little" progress, I started getting more unsolicited attention from females than I had in a long time (coincided with my working out, losing weight, dressing better, more confidence, etc.). I was REAL tempted to go for it, not for the sex, but for the attention and the need to be wanted by someone else. That never in my life was an issue before the bomb dropped and we started piecing.
I resisted. At one point, I just left work and went home to my W in the middle of the morning, sat and watched her organize photos or something for a while.
Remember...attraction isn't anything more than an addiction, and most addictions ramp up gradually, one finger at a time, until the fist is around your neck.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I really thought it was harmless, I guess I'm still sore from the letters from H to Ow about how "beautiful" she was and in some way I want that.
But you guys are right, it's stupid, I'll cut it off. He'd stop emailing me after I kept talking about my H, then all of a sudden he starts again asking for picts and just saying "good morning beautiful"
Yes, it'd made me mad if he were getting "innocent" emails, I hadn't thought it that way. I',m realizing now that if not w/this guy it could happen w/someone else whom I could be attracted to. Thanks for the reality check, I'll tell him in plain terms I'm not intersted in being "friends" w/him anymore.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Yeah, that's dangerous territory, Cat! Glad you're going to end the 'friendship' with this guy.
Not much advice, but have been reading your thread everyday, and you are doing well. Sorry about the black book - must've been hard to read. I had similar things on the computer, and it almost killed me.
Keep up the attitude, and GAL! Hey, I start Tai Kwon Do (sp?) tonight!!!! I'm a little nervous - not that young anymore. Ha!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
you go and kick some arse BM!! I'd love to do Tai KD, I'm doing yoga, and i feel it on every muscle of my body, it'll do you good, makes me feel better and like I did something just for me
I did it to myself, I'm trying to change my pattern of thinking. I'm trying something new from today, whenever I start to get the "if I would've found them together...", "I wonder how their SL was exactly and when it began/end exactly", "what Id do if we were to D" I think "how is this thought helping me to be the woman he could love?" or "how is thinking of xyz help me to trust him and become the whole woman I was years ago before I married him?"
One day at time my friend, one day at time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It's funny, but I did start thinking about what it would be like if I had D'ed my H, and that's when I really started detaching. Soon thereafter, my H decided he wanted to stay M'ed! He actually said he felt so left out because my D13 and I would chat about how we would decorate our bedrooms, and that we would have an arts and crafts basement, and the fantastic times we would have once we move into our own place. He started realising that he wanted his family, after all, that the fantasy life he had imagined with OW, would never be the same (we had a 20 yr history at that time), and started remembering the woman (moi) that he had fallen in love with, and that he did still feel that deep down, and had just somehow forgotten. That was over a year ago, and we still have our problems, and I know that no matter what happens, I will be just as happy without him, as I am with him. Actually, sometimes the thought of being alone (well, with D13) is very tempting.
Anyway, enough about me. Just want to relate my little story, to give you some hope that there is more out there, than our M's, and the cr*p our H's are putting us through.
Have a great weekend!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I did start thinking about what it would be like if I had D'ed my H, and that's when I really started detaching. Soon thereafter, my H decided he wanted to stay M'ed!
I think what BeingMe said is very true... that when we visualise that we can survive even without H, is the time when we start to detach. I recall putting a list of H's stuff that I need to get rid off, a list of child maintenance requirements, the mechanics of child visitation etc etc, that I could see that things would still be okay no matter what. When I started to detach and living my life as a single person, then only H was "pursuing"... Well, although we are piecing....I am still exorcising my personal demons of dwelling in the past. This is something that I need to let go if my M is to flourish from the mess his stupid A made.
OMGosh, Cat, I'm glad all these people were here this week to BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU. I am walking around stamping my feet in cyberspace. ABSOLUTELY stop that crap. How do you think this stuff gets started? I don't care if you're 'not attracted' to this guy, a) suddenly you could be or b) it just keeps serving to remind you what you're NOT getting from H right now and feeds your discontent/resentment in your M, which is no good.
Must go to sleep but had to come take my turn to slap you about this. And you bet if your H was doing this, you would come unglued. Stop it. Yesterday.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: that when we visualise that we can survive even without H, is the time when we start to detach.
yoyo, I think you might have something there. I've regressed and forgot I had conquered that wall (surviving w/out H) and I'm back to that fearfull self who wouldn't know what to do without him, I think that's my problem, and that's why I can't be the woman that H can be attracted to, I have too much fear and self-doubt.
Had a small "incident" w/H right before he left, we had a great weekend, but long story short I wanted to know where he stood about God, one thing let to the other...him ending up accusing me of pushing him and of bring up YET another issue when he comes home when I mentioned how we married w/the knowledge God would be first and now it wasnt so, me feeling invalidated when he said it wans't "important" right now. After a strained discussion he tells me he isnt' ready to take that road yet, I validate him and tell him I just had to ask since silence had brought me nothing good in the past.
The moral of the story is, I shouldnt have mentioned how his standing on religion is now (he used to be very conservative and believed God was his #1 priority). He is very jaded now and his views are nothing like the ones the man I marry had, which is scary at some degree.
This is another huge whole issue, but I see now that it was a mistake to bring it up, I'll follow his suggestion that unless he brings it up he isn't ready to talk about it.
It tears me to think that the M I wanted to build w/God as the base isnt' going to happen any time soon, that we can't commit together for now and for who knows how long. I know he needs time, but this issue really gets to me, I need to come to terms w/this situation.
BI, thanks for checking on this fool of a woman, as you can see I've been taking stupid pills lately.
OK, one day at time, he has opened up his heart to God before and he can do it again, please let it be so.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
The line where friendship and affair begins to blur is with secrecy. This I learned from that awesome book "Not 'Just Friends.'" If you feel uncomfortable sharing this information with your spouse then you shouldn't do it. This is where to draw the line. If you want to deflate the whole thing, talk about it with your husband, maybe mention this guys problems and then tell him how your husband thinks he needs to do "blank and blank."
Anything you can't share entirely with your husband needs to be stopped and avoided (except shopping of course!!!! I still sometimes sneak packages in when he's not around....not that he can't see how much clothing I have in the closet....).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
