Ok, need some advice/encouragement/information/whatever: Spouse is off to sleep with OW. She does this two times per week. I want to ask her how long she thinks this is going to continue. Is that tabu according to DB? I have a feeling she will go on with this pathetic behavior as long as I "let" her. Do you ever draw a line in the sand and say: enough is enough?
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
I am in the same boat tonight and have the exact same questions...I do not know how the hell I am going to deal with this over an extended time. I am really trying but it feels like my accepting the situation has just made it easier for her...while I sit here tortured.
I just do not know how long I can do this...yes when we are together it has been far better and she has been more receptive to me. The problem is now she feels like she has free reign to go see OM a couple times a week...does not have to hide anything and I just smile and say see ya later. I feel like a door mat...I make all the money she has all the fun...I watch the kid...she goes out and parties...it takes every fiber of my being not to explode and fight back.
I can see her being happy in this situation for an extended time...why shouldn't she? She has me at her beck and call and can see OM whenever her heart desires. There is nothing preventing her from doing this for however long she pleases. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel cause I do not see it?
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
<I can see her being happy in this situation for an extended time...why shouldn't she? She has me at her beck and call and can see OM whenever her heart desires. There is nothing preventing her from doing this for however long she pleases>
This pretty much sums it up. some will do it for YEARS. because they can. The longer this behavior is tolerated, the more "Normal" it becomes.
Tried to answer this but don't know where it ended up. I understand boundaries. But DB and telephone coach say don't issue ultimatums. How do I reconcile the two. I feel like a doormat too. It's ridiculous to think that one adult could find this an acceptable way to treat another adult.
Has anybody had this situation (I'd bet "yes") and how did you handle it. Did ya put your foot down? What were the results? Did you coast along until the A died down? HELP!!!
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
I think this arrangement is an indication fo how well we are db'ing. If the frequency stays the same or increases than obviously we need to try a different tactic in DB'ing. Rather than concentrating on the painful act look at it as a symptom or indicator of how well we are doing. That kind of detachment is hard, hard, hard and actually you can stop them...leave! But you (and I ) are choosing not to. Therefore, in a way, we are no longer victims but are making an active choice to overlook it, for the time being. The hope is that we can make an impact and stop the behaviour. Of course, there comes a time when enough is enough. We each have our limit. If you have reached that limit than maybe an ultimatum is the answer e.g. "you've got one month to decide where you want us to be or I'm gone". If that ends the R then, so be it! But for now to dwell on it can only be destructive and hurt your DB strategy. I too fight my tendency to dwell cuz it's there. My S does not "sleep over" (which I'm sure makes it easier for me) but a few "togetherness" trips have taken place and I'm sure they ain't paying scrabble! Remember, one day the furniture will rise up and take back the house!
I guess it is just a choice to try and fix it this way...the alternative is probably seperation or divorce which would seem to make it less likely for reconciliation. I feel in no position to issue ultimatums...I am pretty certain she would bolt or at least she says she would. Do I call the bluff? I don't think so because I do not think she is bluffing. (I know I should trust my instincts on this because I am a bad ass poker player...lol)
Even if I do issue ultimatums and she decides she cannot leave what position does this leave us in? her resenting me...her angry...her with no desire to work on our relationship...her still in secretive mode and continuing the A anyway...so really this seems like the only way for me...work on myself...treat the situation like I am courting her anew...try not to be confrontational...give her the space and time she needs...do not judge...just prove to her that we can have a better marriage and hope she eventually comes around. When I do stick to these guidelines I can see progress...just going to take time and there will be some difficult times along the way. This is my plan for now...if after some time it does not seem like things are getting any better then I will reassess and decide if I have had enough. I do want to save my marriage and I do love my wife so I feel it is needed that I make these sacrifices.
Anyway...last nights little post from above I was in a bad place...but she got home soon after I posted and we had a nice half hour together before we went to bed. Just helps to vent on here sometimes...spew out some of the relationship problems/talk on here so I do not have a set back and get in that mode with her.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I totally understand what you're saying. It's easy to lose sight of that logic sometimes becase the act itself is so selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. And I was advised to show more emotion to convey just those ideas to spouse (HURTFUL!!) She keeps saying: I don't like hurting you. To me the answer is: THEN STOP DOING IT.
I try to remember that I am dealing with a symptom of a "retardation" of emotional growth ie: IF she was grown up inside she wouldn't do this. I am giving her time and space to work and grow up inside. I just wish she'd hurry the )*&$% up with it. You are right, it's hard hard HARD but I am choosing to do this and am not a victim. This is also a game where I am supposed to be the "bad guy" and end our relationship because of the A. Then spouse has no responsibility for the ultimate outcome. How childish. Back to the "stunted emotional growth" I guess. Battender, furniture polish for all my friends! I'm paying! (if you don't get that joke I apologize)
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
Got it I know my W is choosing not to end it and leaving that to me. She sees it as choosing her kids, not as choosing me. But, if the time comes when I can do it no more, I will end it, bad guy or not! Even Separated you can still DB, the sitch just changes a bit. We can't ever control what they think, only what we do. Again, there is a logic to what they've chosen to do. The R was not working and we weren't getting it. We hate how they chose to bring that to our attention but that's done. We can only push forward until we can't anymore. No guarantees here. Now, I just have to put the s**t I'm preaching into action! I refuse to live as a "victim" anymore nor can I just sit back and call her "crazy" and wait for her to "come to her senses". It won't happen. I've got to take control, which is really what DB is all about. Taking contol of what you can and accepting what will be. No matter what happens we will all be much better human beings for what we've tried to do. P.S.Just remember Helinka, polish is never the answer! It just glosses things over for awhile.
Boundaries, sometimes people mistake DBing with losing their personal boundaries and becoming a doormat to the WAS. I am a firm believer in boundaries. It was one of my biggest struggles when I was in here.
I had to learn what was and was not acceptable behaviour for myself, for Wanker and for at one point, everyone in my life when I went through all my hell.
My take is that while it certainly is easier to DB when your spouse lives under the same roof as you, you also tend to lose yourself in your DBing... perhaps becoming a doormat, subjecting yourself to intense pain, hurt, humiliation, internal, emotional and even physical pursuit. None of which is healthy and if there is one thing I learned through everything is that the only person you have to be responsible for it is yourself. You have to take care of yourself. Your WAS has left you, left the M, the R, whatever. Something happened... somewhere it failed and they found something that for now seems better.
Depending on the situation, your WAS gets the best of both worlds... they have the A, they have you waiting and pining for them at home, DBing your little heart trying to win them back. At some point, you realize that DBing is TRULY for you, for you to regain YOU back... that at that very moment in time, you are not really the attractive alternative to your WAS. They want no part of a relationship with you, perhaps friendship, perhaps to be there to pick up the pieces (and in my case still pay the bills, LOL) but they are soo hooked on the feeling, the drug of the OP that there is little you can do. That was very hard for me to realize. I thought that oh the memories, the life we had built blah blah would always be the more attractive alternative to OW... but wanker was so involved in feeding his pain, his depression and also in his case, alcoholism... there was no turning back for him. Oh, there were signs along the way of him wanting back, but it was too little, too late by then. The heart can only take so much.
SO I guess what I want to say is, don't beat yourselves up... give all that you can without losing yourselves. Take this time to find yourself again, find the person that your WAS fell in love with (you will at some point find yourself admitting that person has disappeared), dig deep into your soul and see if you can find what role you played (it truly does take two for the demise of an R). One of the wisest things I ever was told on here is that the old R is gone and dead, that if the WAS comes back, it is a new R. It makes sense now.
You and your WAS need to find your way through it all. Some will come to the surface and realize they have been in a fog quicker than others, sometimes it takes years, and some, well some may just never find their ways back. That's why it's so important to take care of you.
My .02 cents.... In the beginning of my affair if my wife would have drawn the line or given me an ultimatum, I would have walked for good. As I began to end my affair, if my wife would have drawn the line or given me an ultimatum, I would have come back but with some resentment.
I decided to come back. She did not guilt me into it. She did not beg or cry. The fact it was my decision not hers gives me hope for my marriage. When I left the first time, I came back for guilt....I left again a month later. When I came back the second time, I came back because of remorse. I will not leave again unless she asks.
