I am new here, but have read Michele's books and hope to find help to save my marriage before it's too late.
I apologize that this is long, but hope you will read it so you can give thoughts, feedback, and support. Background: I am 42, my husband 39. We have been married 8 years, together for 11. No kids, however H has two daughters from previous relationships. I have felt we have had a happy life together and marriage, although as with all relationships, there were hard times, "ups and downs" and some things I would like to have done differently or changed. My husband has always been a moody person with a "negative" outlook on life, while I was the upbeat, "positive" person. He was diagnosed with depression several years ago and went through a large number of medications, none of which helped much. He also has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) which runs in his family. I always tried to be supportive about this, encouraged him to go to Dr., keep up with his meds, go to counseling, etc. hoping he could feel happier and more content, which would also help our relationship. In early 2005, I noticed that H seemed very discontent, with everything. He showed little interest in me, sex, doing any- thing, or talking about anything. Tried all I could to get him to talk about what was going on, but got anger, denials, or no reply at at all, which was very, very frustrating. I began to feel suspicious that he was spending all this time looking at porn, dating websites or maybe talking to women, something he had done some several years prior. Eventually his behavior became so bizarre that I began to wonder if he had a nervous breakdown or something similiar ! He would call and say he was on the way home, then take 3 hours to get home, went to a local "stripper" bar several times, would have odd receipts and cash in his wallet or briefcase with no explanation, drank more than usual, told stories that just didn't make sense, and got lots of odd calls at various times. He rarely used the home computer, but I did find some links to porn, strange websites and even "Hot Local Escorts", which made me wonder if he was even possibly using prostitutes-
Obviously, this was a very frustrating and difficult time, and my suspicions/his denials led to confrontations, arguing and fighting. H refused to talk about anything, wouldn't answer questions, resented my "snooping" or asking questions and things were very strained. By summer, H was very distant, rarely wanted to do anything, was gone alot, and I was sure he was involved with someone. One night I got into his cell phone to see his "contacts" and found several names of women I was not familiar with. I began checking our cell bill online and was horrified to see numerous calls to a variety of numbers, sometimes many in one day, and some at odd times of night. When I tracked the numbers, I found one to be an "Escort" service, and some to be unknown women. Called and talked to one, who said she had never met my H, but had talked to him on the phone, and that both were listed on a "dating" website. Of course, he hadn't told her he was married, had kids, etc..and she said she never wanted to talk to him again after finding out he had lied. I began to suspect she wasn't the only one, and that H might have also used some "Escort" services, which led me to wonder if he had some kind of "sexual addiction" or other issue. This was especially hurtful since we had originally had a good sex life, and I was always willing and interested - it was not a case where he could not have had sexual fulfillment at home. I asked about the dating sites, escorts, WHY he was doing these things, but he would only get angry, deny, blame me, or refuse to talk and leave . Then, in August 2005, H went away on a couple of weekends, telling me he had "business" but wouldn't say where,what, etc. He did not normally ever have business elsewhere, so I was sure he was going somewhere with someone. When I got a call from his credit card company trying to verify use of his card on one of those weekends, I found out he was in Las Vegas ! I was furious and devestated and at a loss of what to do. The following week H told me he was going to go out of town again and that he wanted me to sign divorce paperwork before he left. I was shocked, did not want to get divorced, and was not prepared to just sign paperwork on short notice, so refused. He had a "fit", cussing, ranting and raving, acting so strange it was scary. Finally, he called down, said he'd wait until he returned so I'd have a chance to talk to my counselor and a lawyer. I did talk to my counselor (who felt H had very serious emotional/mental issues) and a lawyer, who advised I might as well sign the papers since we are in a "no fault, no grounds" state where I can't do anything to keep divorce from happening if H pursues it. Plus the paperwork didn't mean you agreed, it was just "acknowledgement". Sadly I signed the papers, and left them on our office desk on the day H was to return home and pick them up.
Came home that day, expecting to see the papers gone and found them still there, on the desk, but some of H's clothes and belongings gone. When he called later I asked if he was going to come back home and he said "NO". Didn't say a word about the paperwork. For the next two months, H would call me often- acting friendly and nice, as though nothing had happened. He would stop by the house once in awhile to leave receipts, pick up his mail and a few more clothes or belongings, and he did continue to pay on our bills and expenses. He wouldn't , however, tell me where he was staying, or anything about what was going on, other than he "wanted to be on his own, alone, and doing his own thing".
On my birthday in early October, I came home to find a roses and a card on the table, from H. I was touched that he did remember, but SO confused by his behavior. Then, in mid Oct he came over for dinner and a little "birthday party" for our dog, something we did every year. After he left, and I was getting ready for bed I got a phone call from a woman who said "You don't know me, but my name is XX. I've been seeing your husband and wondered if you had a problem with that" !!! She went on to tell me that she had met H when she got online to try to make some friends before she moved here to our town from another state for her job, had spent hours talking, TM, and emailing with H, they had both flown to Las Vegas to finally meet, he had flown to her hometown to help her move here, and had immediately moved in with her. H had told her he had been in "a long, unhappy marriage, but had tried "so hard" to make it work, had been to marriage counseling, had been told we were "incompatible" and should divorce, that we had nothing in common, that we were seperated before they met, etc.... which was ALL LIES ! She also thought we were in the middle of a divorce, which also wasn't true, since H had never filed the paperwork. Found out H had told her all kinds of personal things about me, our life, all of which made him sound like the poor, suffering H and me being nothing but a lazy, whiny, nagging wife who contributed nothing to the relationship. Most hurtful of all, she said she had gotten pregnant and that H was very happy about it, but that she had then had a miscarriage. (H and I did not have kids because he did not want them). Hung up feeling numb, horrified, angry, but at least having the answers to many of the questions I'd had for so long. Within minutes, H called, FURIOUS that I'd talked to OW, wanting to know what I said, why I had talked to her, and saying 'HOW DARE" I have told her anything about us or him. I stayed calm, reminded him SHE had called me, and that I just coulnd't believe all I had just heard. He went on and on, cussing, mad, saying I had "broken the last bit of trust he had in me", that we'd never even be friends after this, etc. Next night, H called me , and in a calm manner asked about several things I'd said, or OW had said. I quickly realized OW was listening, and apparently prompting him on what to say, apparently trying to make him "prove" he hadn't lied. I said I heard her there, wasn't about to play their sick game, didn't want anything to do with them, and didn't appreciate his W*&@e calling me. She then got on the phone, tried to defend herself, said she was just trying to get the truth from him. I felt like she was trying to portray the "poor victim", who had gotten herself into a big mess and actually did feel sorry for her to some degree, thinking she had no idea what she was getting involved with, but also felt suspicious of the way she kept trying to get "dirt" on H and felt like she was trying to convince me that I should not be willing to take him back or want to be with him.
Next night, OW called me, saying she wanted to "warn" me that she had kicked H out of her house, and that he'd likely be wanting to come back home. Said they were fighting about him getting his things from her house, and that she had threatened to call the police on him. Seemed like she was very intent on making sure she thought he might be seeing even another woman, and wanted to know if I would take him back or still loved him, which was odd. I was very guarded with what I said, realizing she was NOT my friend, and not someone I wanted to deal with. H did call later, said HE had broken up with OW, and asked if he could stay the night at our house. He did, but stayed in the guest room. Asked me to meet for lunch the next day and revealed that he had filed the divorce paperwork the previous day, because "he had been angry that I had talked to OW, had betrayed his trust, and basically out of spite, but that we could cancel the paperwork, at any time". He said he was unhappy and discontent in our marriage, and had a lot of issues to work on, didn't want to move back home so was goin to rent a place for himself, but that maybe we could talk and spend some time together to "see how it would go". Over the next couple of weeks, we did do go out to eat, talk alot, run some errands, and spent time together, which I thought went well. I found out that some of things OW had told me had not been honest either, and told him the thing that hurt worse was about the pregnancy and his being happy about it, to which he said he had NOT been happy about it at all, and that she did not have a miscarriage, but an abortion. Both had told me that they had fought and argued all the time, he had often slept on the couch, and they actually seemed to have little in common, so I hoped that the brief affair was over and we could work on repairing our marriage. Unfortunately, within a couple of weeks, H was again distant, and I realized he was back to seeing her. We went back to our same pattern of his calling every few days to "touch base", ask about the dog, get his mail, etc.
Fall, formally both our favorite seasons, was a painful and lonely time, and I dreaded spending a major holiday, like Thanksgiving alone, while he was going to be with OW. I was invited to a friend's house, but it was a hard day. The night before we had to attend a mandatory conference with a "facilitator" (first step in divorce process), H and I met to eat and talk. He indicated he wasn't so sure about what to do, but had felt discontent and unhappy with me and our marriage for a long time, didn't know if things could change, and thought maybe "too much had happened" for us to get back together. Said he wanted to go to the meeting, but wasn't sure he wanted to go through with divorce. We went next day, asked some questions, and both told the facilitator that we were considering reconciliation, which made me feel much more hopeful. Went through the next month though, with nothing changing. I'd ocassionally hear from H, would sometimes try to talk to him about us, my belif we could change and have a fresh new start, other times would not talk about R at all, but just try to show that we could get along, have fun together still. It was very, very difficult to face the Christmas season alone, but I did my best, planned to just have a small-scale celebration with my parents and friends, and tried not to think of WH spending the season with OW. A few days before Christmas, H came to the house while I was at work and left gifts for me and the dog under our tree, so I knew that he was not planning to spend the day with us, which was very hurtful. Came home from Christmas Eve church feeling sad and heartbroken, and went to bed hoping to just get through the day, then got a call in the middle of the night from H- he had been stopped and arrested for drunk driving, coming home from a nearby gambling town in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve, was with OW, and needed a ride. He had called me for lack of anyone else to call- H has no family here and really has no friends. I did pick him up, had some unpleasant words with OW who was very patronizing to me. H was in bad shape, with the worst depression and anxiety I'd know him to have, also as he had gotten DUI before, was scared and knew the legal consequences were going to be bad.
In the days that followed, H called, stopped by, and really seemed to have come out of the "fog" he'd been in as far as the affair and the OW. He was remorseful, humble, apologetic and indicated he knew he had really "messed up". He realized he needed help and had me go with him to a counseling appt, then a psychiatrist appt after she referred him there. He was diagnosed as not having "just" depression, but with actually having bipolar disorder, something I had suspected for a long time, but that H had not wanted to hear. He was put on new meds which began to help right away. H also began to spend time at home, talked more openly, said he wanted our life and marriage again, and said he was breaking it off with OW. I realized his breaking it off was going to be difficult and was prepared for it to be gradual, rather than "cold turkey", but it was very frustrating that OW continued to call his cell phone, our phone, and kept coming up with excuses that she needed to talk to him, needed him to help with something at her house, etc. H knew I was very frustrated, but continued to reassure me that he loved me, wanted US back, was ending it with her, just felt sorry for her since she didn't know anyone here, didn't want anyone to be hurt, etc. H moved back home at end of January and we celebrated our 8th anniversary early in Feb. Unfortunately, the "antics" of OW continued, with her calling often, leaving nasty messages for me, us having a big confrontation on the phone and then by her sending a packet to me, which contained all the "love notes and letters" H had sent her, plus some very graphic photos of the two of them. I realized she was a very desperate, manipulative, controlling and insecure person and cautioned H about her. LAter in Feb. we went on a trip to Las Vegas, and I had a wonderful time, however, OW called constantly (13 times in 4 hours on one morning) which was a big damper. I was angry with her, but also realized I did not know what H was really telling her, and that it might be leading to her behavior. I began to suspect he had not truly broken it off, but was "playing" both of us. Within a week of getting home, I found this was definitely the case, as I overheard a phone call where OW was telling H that "she couldn't be involved with him as long as he had any involvement with anyone else, and "that if he loved her and wanted to marry her, he'd have to prove himself". H sounded like a total "wimp" as he told her he'd "get right on the divorce", "would prove himself", "would be an open book of honesty", and basically promised her the moon if she'd take him back. I was devestated again. H denied he was back with her, but I knew and wasn't fooled by his excuses and absences. I didn't nag, question, snoop or confront, but did all I could to try to show myself and us in a "good light". The following month, he moved out and into a house that he had bought as an investment last year and recently renovated leaving me and the dog at our home. He took his personal belongings,some of his clothes, and some of our furniture, but didn't want any of our dishes, utensils, bedding, linen, etc., apparently wanting all new stuff "of his own".
Again, we returned to the same pattern- H would call me every few days, act friendly, ask about the dog, house, etc but avoided talking about R or his continuing affair. He continued to pay on the household bills and expenses. About this same time, the divorce paperwork "expired", as we'd never submitted the required financial disclosures or any kind of settlement proposal. I didn't know if he even realized it then found out he had submitted a request for an extension. This too, expired, and the whole case was dismissed and closed by end of April 06.
In mid April, I had called H's house to pass on a phone message, and OW answered the phone ! I called his cell and she anwered that too, and I began to wonder if she was now staying with WH. Next time we talked, I asked and he said she was staying with him, "temporarily" while she was looking for a new place of her own. H began to push me about selling our house, saying he didn't want to keep paying towards our bills and expenses, however I reminded him I could not afford the house and expenses alone and had not made these debts and obligations on my own and he backed off. I assumed his budget was stretched pretty tight paying on our joint items, as well as all the bills he had racked up on the other house and keeping an OW. He also had expenses for a lawyer, fines, alcohol classes and community service for the DUI he received, and had to spend 45 days this summer working for the Parks and Rec dept. in the neighboring county where he was stopped. H would deny it, but I knew OW was having to drive him there each day.
In early July, H called one night and asked if I might be able to give him a ride up to his Comm. Service the next day. I said I would do it, given enough notice and with enough time I could get to my job on time afterwards, but he ended up not needing the ride after all. The following week, he called again, there, but needing a ride home and then both ways for several days after that. I asked what had happened with his ride, and he said that he and OW were fighting, she was moving out, and that they were breaking up. Given their history of frequent fighting, "drama", and several previous "breakups" that didn't last, I didn't want to get my hopes up on this and just gave him a ride to be nice. About the same time, I lost my job, so giving him a ride gave me something to do, and I hoped it would again be a chance to show him we got along, enjoyed each other's company and could work things out, IF he would finally end it with OW. I helped him out for a couple of weeks, until he had finished his required service, at beginning of Aug.
For a few weeks, H and I talked more often, met for dinner once a week, got along, laughed, and had a nice time, as we always did together, and I thought maybe, FINALLY, the affair had ended. OW moved out east of town in an area that allows horses (she has horses and dogs) which is a long way across town from H's house, which I also thought might be a deterrent, especially since H has lost his license for a year ! However, once again, it appears that the "break up" was short-lived and the addiction, obsession, or whatever it is that keeps them going back to each other kept them in contact. From her behavior and things that both OW and H has said, it appears to me that OW is a very insecure, controlling and manipulative person and I believe she has, several times, put an "ultimatum" on H in order to lure him back to their affair and her. Another very strange behavior of hers is calling on the phone. Through out their entire affair, OW has called out house periodically. Sometimes she called from H's phone (maybe thinking I would think it as him and pick up), sometimes with her number blocked (which I don't answer any unidentified calls), and more recently, from her new place, which shows her name but not the number. After a couple of very unpleasant conversations with her, I have no desire to talk to her and won't answer her calls, but I do wonder WHY she calls here- if she is wanting to taunt and insult me again, trying to get more "dirt" or check the facts on H, wanting to find out if he is telling her the truth, or see if I am home or possibly out with him ? Pretty pathetic when you have to call the WIFE of your married boyfriend to check up on him !!? It appears that the number and frequency of these calls increases whenever they are fighting or having some kind of drama !
H, who normally had been a level-headed, disciplined person acts like a puppet on a string when it comes to her, and seems to act powerless to put an end to this pattern or see through her games, or what she really is. I just don't understand, how this all got started, and why it continues, when both say they have little in common, each knows the other is a liar, and they fight, argue, and constantly break up ???!!! H still just says "he wants to be alone, on his own, do his own thing" and that it has nothing to do with OW, and is not willing to make any effort at the marriage. I have done all the pleading, begging, tried to "make a case" to remind him of our vows, history, good times, trips, families, future plans, etc. I have asked him to go to counseling to work on changing the things that made us both unhappy or discontent, but he says he isn't interested. We do both go to individual counseling however- mine to work on dealing with this and my own issues, and his for his bipolar and court ordered alcohol classes. I have tried to "back off", rarely calling him, acting kind polite and friendly, but not overly so, trying to go on with my own life and activities, such as in the "180 degree" plan but with us living seperately there hasn't been much change for him to see any of this and it hasn't seemed effective. I still love H, he has recently said he still loves me, but "not like you need to be for marriage", we still get along, and I believe this would be entirely "repairable" if ever the affair would end. I hoped to be able to "wait it out" believing it would eventually self-destruct, and that then H would be interested in me and our life again. However, had a bad development in the past couple of weeks. H again began talking about doing divorce paperwork, and brought it to me, asking me to sign it, about two weeks ago. I said I did not want us to do this, that I believed things could change and we could create a new, fresh marriage that would be happy and satisfying to us both, if he would just end the affair. Of course, he said his usual "speel", that "it has nothing to do with that, he just wants to be alone and on his own". I had a job interview the next day, then went out of town for a few days on a mini-vacation, and did talk to H during that time, with nothing further said, so I hoped I'd get back and he would have changed his mind. Instead however, he still pushed about it, and said if I wouldn't sign the acknowledgement he'd just do it and have me "served". I said I needed a little time to think about it, so he agreed to wait over last weekend. I was then very surprised when he called me, three times, last Saturday. Didn't seem to want anything, just general "chat", asking about our dog, my job hunt, etc. He was calling from his house and called in the morning, afternoon, and evening so it appeared he was just home all day, and not with OW. I wondered if things had fallen through, especially when he called the next day, last Sun. and asked if I wanted to meet for lunch. We did, and it was pleasant. However, he then called Monday, still wanting the paperwork. I just don't GET IT with him and his behavior !!!??? Finally, I signed it, knowing he'd keep bugging about it, and feeling there was nothing else I could do. He picked it up and rushed off, not wanting to have to talk about anything, I'm sure. The following day, he called with a question about our health insurance, we talked briefly, and I emailed him a reply with the details he needed. Wed. he called in the evening, apparently just to "chat", acting friendly and nice, and not a word about the papers. Thurs. night he called while I was out, and didn't leave a message. Friday, he called, asked about where I had been the previous night, was friendly and pleasant, and again, not a word said about the paperwork. I thought perhaps he had changed his mind, or at least was waiting until I find a job, which I had mentioned, however I later looked at the website for the courts, and saw that he did file the paperwork, on Tuesday, the day after he had picked it up from me. I felt heartbroken, and just still stumped over his behavior- not telling me he had filed,but still calling and acting friendly and nice ??????!!!!
I believe he has gone out of town for the weekend, with OW. Made me wonder if her latest ultimatum to get back together was that he had to file the paperwork and that was why he was home alone last weekend, but perhaps with her, having a "romantic, reconciliation" this weekend ?
I can see that we both have continued in the same patterns of behavior for all this time, and I have certainly followed the predictable pattern of acting desperate, crying, begging and pleading with H to "see the light", none of which has worked. It feels frustrating to see that OW's games and ultimatums seem to get response and action from him, when I can't get anything to change and I'd like to change that. I realize I've been doing "more of the same", which just isn't working. I realize these have been "cheeseless" tunnels, keeping us stuck in the same cycle. I would like to change the cycle, dynamics, and pattern by changing my reaction to H, and my behavior, just don't know what and how to do this ??
So far, my best "guess" is that H is still caught up in the "drama" of the breakup/makeup, addiction, sex, or whatever the attraction of OW is. He may know it isn't really going to work out based on their history, but is stuck in that pattern too. In the meantime, to appease her, he files the divorce paperwork, thinking he can cancel it or let it just expire again, if it doesn't work out with her, and he thinks by still being friendly and nice with me, that I'll keep hanging on, still love him and be willing to take him back when it all falls through. Does this sound logical, based on all the happenings, or is it me wishful thinking ?
Previously, when in the same circumstances as now, I was still friendly, polite, willing to talk and see him, and he was content to just leave it that way, throwing me a few crumbs sometimes to keep my hanging. I am thinking that the only way for me to change this, do a "180", and break the pattern, is for me to not have much to say, not get together with him, not make any R talk, and make him WONDER if I do still care, would still take him back, or if I've finally had enough. ??? Any other thoughts, ideas, suggestions on how to break this pattern, not do the same thing, force a change of dynamic ? Thanks, Slammed
I know my post is really long, felt like I needed to give all the background in order for anyone to be able to try to make sense of where I am now. I feel really stuck, and very powerless in all this, and need some direction on what I can do to try to get out using the same pattern, which has not brought any help to our situation. Thoughts on ways to break the pattern ? Practical ways and specifics of "180s" or LRT ? Any other ideas, suggestions, or just support ?
I think you and your H are way too wrapped up in each other. He wants you, then he doesn't. His GF probably blames their problems on his still being married. He keeps yoyoing between the two of you.
I think you need to go dark. I wouldn't answer the phone, emails, nothing. He needs a chance to miss you, which he hasn't had since you are in almost constant contact.
If he wants a D, let him do all work. Tell him you don't want it but you won't stand in his way. Don't sign an "acknowledgement" Make him file.
You have been way too nice, IMHO. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. What are you afraid of? That you may lose him forever if you stand up to him a little? Do you really want him, the way he is now?
I'm trying to understand where you are coming from. Where I'm sitting, I think you are being a doormat and letting this very confused man walk all over you. Set some boundaries.
Wish I could be more helpful. This is a horrible spot you are in right now. How long you stay there is up to you.
Hang in there.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thank you so much for your reply, Spitfire. Having someone else look at our situation ,from "outside" is just what I need. I can see that we are "stuck" in the same pattern, just am not feeling like I have a very good idea of how to get "unstuck".
Yes, I probably have been too nice, thinking that being a loving, supportive and kind spouse would get through to H, when all it's seemed to do has made him think it's okay to continue doing what he wants and be disrespectful.
I hoped he would not file the paperwork, and thought he had not, based on his continuing to call and act friendly and nice during the week. He never said anything about it, but I saw on the court website Friday that he had filed. He doesn't know that I know about it, as we have not talked since (I suspect he's out of town with OW for weekend). I didn't want to talk to him, as I wanted to have time to think about this, change my attitude, and change my reaction and behavior.
My best guess is that H filed due to both pressure from OW and his being tired of his own ambivalence about this. I can only assume that he continues to call, and act "nice and friendly" after filing, either because he feels it lets him be less of a "bad guy", alleviates his guilt, that he thinks we will still be "friends", or because he wants to keep me hanging on in case it doesn't work out with OW. (or all of the above) He seems very content to just let it continue to be that way and stick to the same pattern.
I think you are right in that he's never really had to miss me. I think he truly feels that no matter what he says or does, he will be able to "win" me back if he wants to since he knows that I love him and have wanted to repair our life together and marriage. Thinking of it that way, really does make me feel like a "doormat" and I don't like it !
My thought was that I need to show him that his actions have consequences and that I am not going to just sit around, waiting forever for him to get his act together. Thought I needed to "call" him on the fact that he did file the paperwork, and put an end to the daily "chat" calls and acting friendly, since lying and cheating on your wife are not exactly "nice" or "friendly" behaviors ! Would like to give him a "taste" of what it'd be like if we do divorce, and force him to have OW take care of all his needs. If I can do this, I'd like to think it would be a "wake up call", and finally something that would change our pattern of relating and getting nowhere.
I thought about having a conversation next time he called that goes something like this: ME: I wondered if you had filed the paperwork ? H: Yes, you know that I was going to do so. ME: Well, it was just confusing to me that you still call nd act friendly and nice if that's the case. But since you have made that choice, there really isn't anything else to say, so I need to go. Goodbye (said in a calm, pleasant and quiet manner). Then I would not answer his calls, or call him for any reason. I do think this would clearly state the reason I am not calling or taking his calls, define the fact that he cannot continue his affair and file for divorce, but expect us to be "friends", and make him think about things, maybe even reconsider what he might be losing. Thoughts ? Slammed
Whew. That post was LONG. It WAS important to give the background though so I'm really just teasing you, slammed.
I've gotta tell you, by the time I got to the end of that first post, I was already screaming inside.
STOP TALKING TO THIS MAN NOW!
DON'T HAVE ONE MORE SECOND OF CONTACT WITH THAT PIECE OF CRAP POOR EXCUSE FOR A WOMAN, EITHER!!
Starting right now you need to go dark. There is no strategy. You have become a doormat. You will remain that way until YOU do something to change it. I can tell you are a very smart woman so I bet you already know you need to do this. Well, you have me and Spitfire both telling you the same thing. STOP talking to him. No more lunches or dinners, either. He is not your friend right now so stop acting like he is (sorry, I know that is harsh but it is true). Do NOTHING to help him divorce you. Accept no phone calls, do him no favors.
NONE.
THIS is how you will take back control of your life and hopefully he will soon wake up and start trying to clean up this mess he has made of your marriage.
You must now take care of yourself and let him fall on his face.
Thanks, Amy. I appreciate that you took time to read through my long post and give your thoughts. I agree with you and Spitfire as well, that things need to change. I know I can't change anything that H does, so I can only change me, just have had a hard time in figuring out what to do differently. I admit it is scary to do something differently, go against "instinct" and break old habits, but after being stuck in this same pattern and mess for this long, I'm ready to do something different, and going "dark" is it. We do occassionally need to communicate regarding finances, since H still pays towards our house and expenses and we still have some joint bank accounts. Would you suggest I handle this via email, keeping it short and business-like ?
It will be hard, as I love my H and miss our life very much and talkin to him has kept a little hope alive and kept me from missing him as much, but I will keep reminding myself that this "alien" is not my H, and not a friend. I hope you both will continue to give me feedback, thoughts, practical ideas and support Thanks, Slammed
Thanks again Spitfire and Amy (see previous post regarding your feedback). Wanted to add this update:
I got a call early this morning from the fraud department of a credit card, trying to reach H to verify some "unusual activity" on one of his credit cards, in LAS VEGAS ! (we live in Colorado). I had a feeling he had gone out of town with OW for the weekend, so this just verified my hunch. I know I shouldn't be surprised or care about anything H does anymore, but it did hurt to know he went there since since we use to take a lot of trips we really enjoyed, and especially to Vegas, since we went there this past Feb to celebrate our anniversary and Valentine's Day (during what ended up being a "false" recovery). It seems that H had a chance to break free of the affair and give us and our marriage a chance at a fresh start when OW moved out of his house and they "broke up" about a month ago, but instead he apparently reacted to yet another of OWs ultimatums by filing the paperwork, then taking HER on a trip so they could have a "fresh start". (undoubtedly with him paying for it all and staying somewhere nice, so as to "impress"). I've mentioned that he seems to follow a pattern, and this is another example, as H and OW went to Las Vegas last year just about this same time, to finally meet "in person" after they had met online, talked on the phone and TM for awhile. (OW at the time lived in another state). As an added irony, H's credit card company called last year, checking on the same thing, which is how I had found out he had gone out of town (although at the time I didn't know about OW and H insisted he had gone alone). Strange, huh ? Slammed
Started the week with a better attitude and feeling strongly that I had to really "shake things up" and change both my behavior and attitude towards WH.
I realize that he has never had to "be on his own" (the one thing he says he wants SO much) because he's always had me or OW (or both) to "fall back on". Since he knows I love him and want to recovery our marriage and life together, I feel like he just thinks he can get me back, no matter what awful things he's said and done, because I've always been the "rock"- his security, faithful, honest, caring, and supportive of him. On the other hand, I believe OW plays lots of games, uses guilt, manipulation and control to get her way and get WH to do what she wants. From facts I know about their many "breakups", they have seemed to all be initiated by her, with her telling WH "she can't be involved with him as long as anyone else is in his life" (meaning me), she won't take his calls, won't see him, and then after he "begs" his way back by promising the moon, they get back together. I can only assume that his filing the D paperwork, then going on a trip with her was "upping the antie" on the ultimatum this time. I hate game playing and manipulation but it sure does seem to be effective with WH- he apparently does worry that he will really lose her, so responds to it where he does not respond to me.
I'd like him to have a "taste" of what it'd be like to be divorced, because I really don't think he understands that we would not be "friends" or anything else. Since we have no kids, no joint friends, and live in a fairly large city there would be no reason to run into each other at all, ever. However, it's hard to go that "dark" now when we have joint bank account, insurance, bills, and Wh still pays on our house and expenses. I try to keep contact regarding these issues to a minimum, and mostly via email, but feel like rather than WH getting nervous or afraid he might really lose me and his not being sure that's what he wants, I almost think he views my action as just being me patiently waiting and being "passive" while he does what he wants to.
Besides Michele's books, I've read several other authors and almost all have something similar to the "180's" where you go with behavior opposite from your usual- and this is somewhat similiar to what I've already been doing. Since we live apart, we don't see each other much for me to have much change to "show" him much different behavior, but there still might be a few opportunities- do you think that this might be more effective than just staying "dark" ?? Nothing short of actually being divorced, seems like has been "opposite" enough, but if it goes that far, it'd be too late, so I don't know what to do ???
As has been the case each time WH and OW have "broken up" and then gotten back together, WH seems to go through a period of trying to be on his "best behavior", and attempts little contact with me. (I'm assuming his filing the initial D paperwork and then taking OW to Vegas for the weekend was his big "gesture" to "win" her back).
Our interaction this week has been very brief- got an email from WH on Tues asking a question about the medical coverage for his D10, after she apparently had a problem getting a school physical.(I have always handled and set up our insur) I answered the question, which was going to require that he call his H/R dept. for information.
Came home from a friend's house Wed night and saw that WH had called our house, but he did not leave a message and did not try my cell, so assumed it was nothing important.
Today, got a call from WH's H/R department, saying he had called to ask a question, but knew so little about our insurance that they weren't sure what he wanted, so they called me to find out. I made the inquiry, then left a brief, business-like voicemail for WH, telling him the info. I wondered if this was too much interaction, but didn't feel I could ignore his inquiry when it was a legitimate question about a business/financial issue. Guess I also felt a little obilgated to help since I want his D10 to be taken care of and since WH carries me on his insurance when he doesn't have to...
Any thoughts about ways to be MORE different in behavior, actions or my response to WH ? Try more "180's" or stick to dark ? Any other ideas on ANYthing I can do ? I hate just sitting here as time passes (there is a 90 day waiting period on D) and feeling like I'm passive and doing nothing.
BTW, WH has still not told me that he filed the D paperwork, I only know it from looking at the courts website. Don't know why he woldn't just TELL me ???? (lack of courage, doesn't want to be "bad guy", not so sure about it ?????) Slammed
Slammed, I just want to say that Spitfire and AmyC have given you good advice. My sitch resembles yours in several ways, including the mental health issues, breaking up with the OP and then getting back together, etc. Ultimately, what I've learned recently is that letting go doesn't mean that you stop loving someone. Let go of your H and you will have more peace and happiness.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
