Listen... when you're so totally hurt, as you are, it is easy to take the blame for everything. unless you were beating her or mentally abusing her, you are not the cause of this affair. you not bringing her flowers or doing the dishes everynight didn't put her into OM's bed. she put herself there. stop beating yourself up.
your situation sounds pretty positive. sounds like she is remorsfull, but yet not wanting you to know it, thats GUILT. it's gunna take some time for her to sort all this out, she phucked up and she knows it. it's going to take her some time to deal with the guilt., you're going to go through so weird-awkward times together. don't feel the need to fill any silences with words. IE .> I talked to her on the way home and basically told her go ahead and see OM and lets still go to the MC and just not tell her.>
This is validating her affair. screw that. it also is saying lies are ok. Lies are never ok, not to the counselor or to yourself. you can be honest and let her know she did wrong without the smoke and mirrors of deception.
Look, she knows she did wrong, she just needs the time and space to deal with it, given that, don't tell her seeing OM is ok, it's so not. deal with the awkward time as they come, don't try to soothe every hurt feeling or emmbarassing incident she went through. let her own her screw up. just be there with the understanding everyone can screw-up, even this bad. and be honestly willing to forgive. (thats where I need help)
Well W did call and leave a message soon after she left last night to say she was going to go see OM and she just needs space...do not call her...she will be back in the morning. Don't worry about her. Well that is a little hard to do. I appreciate the fact she is still talking to me and being somewhat honest but damn is it hard to deal with.
If MC did anything it made me realize the affair is still very strong...she was definitely telling me differently...that they were just going to remain friends...blah blah blah. Obviously the OM is more important to her than me right now...she had to know it was going wreck me after we just get done with MC to just get up and bolt to the other man. My S3 was with my parents for the night...so I was alone in the house and it was a very unhappy seen.
Did not get much sleep...so I came into work a couple hours early so I could leave early. I have no idea what tonight holds for me...W said she will pick up S3 in the morning and will be back home. We were supposed to go out tonight but I am not sure if that is still the case. I really do not feel like talking to her right now. I am very upset but some part of me is just getting numb to the whole situation and just not caring anymore what she does. I am just going to shut her out for awhile and let her do any of the talking...I feel like I have said all I can and it is doing no good.
I also found that she went through my side of the computer yesterday and deleted all of the emails I had saved of hers from when I first found the evidence of the A. She also looked through my other folders but I don't really have anything to hide. Not really mad about this as I certainly did a lot more of this than her and I have no secrets.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I would be tempted to go to my W and say "I would like to look for a new MC. I don't like the way this person approached our situation, what about you?" I can't see this going anywhere with a MC who lays down the law on the first session. He or she may be absolutely right about the A and the need for it to end but, geez, you both know that already! Or maybe you could tell the MC you are (as a couple) interested in discussing the "symptoms" and "tasks" to be done and not the A! If the MC makes her feel horrible, your W won't go and really why should she!What do others think here? Also I would agree with Ford, don't give her permission or lie for her re the A. I once thought I would just give my W permission to carry on as she wished (hoping she'd burn herself out with the OP). I didn't want her to resent me as somehow keeping her from her "soulmate" but the C I see advised me not to do so. C said "You have told her what she is doing is immoral, how can you now say it's OK? What do you tell your children if this comes out? That dad said it was OK?If she wants to spend time with OP let it be her decision". My W also asked me once for permission to stay at OW's and I said "Don't ask me for permission because I can't give it. You are free to do what you choose but don't ask me for permission". She did it that once and has never again. Anyway, just some thoughts for you to ponder. Remember, try to look for the good in this day, there is plenty of it if we look! Stay well.
Well W just called...she seemed very loving and said she did not do anything last night...just talked. Said she misses me and she thought about me all night. Told me she does love me. Was looking forward to spending the weekend together. Just said she is so confused and I agreed and said I know it is hard and that I am here and I am patient.
I just let her talk and agreed with her/validated. It was definitely a positive call and it was certainly welcome this morning and renews my hope...I had absolutely no idea where she was at emotionally last night.
Just trying to be the rock especially around her...I really am done being the pleading little puppy dog. This is such an up and down struggle...but I really do feel hope right now (lol felt totally hopeless last night). We really do still get along very well...I think we still consider each other best friends...I think we have a lot of positives in our relationship... I think the main problem right now is getting her less dependent on OM for emotional support. I am just trying to be the good soldier and stick with positive reinforcemenets and see if I can't break through her barrier.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Sounds great. Get used to those big swings in hope, mood and everything else. The valleys are deep, my friend. Sometimes the smallest thing can just knock you off your feet and you sit wondering "how the hell could that be making me feel like this?". Just remember that the peaks come back. Don't get swallowed up by the black pit and give up because of it. I know it feels horrible. When I'm like that I go for a run. Exercise is a wonder drug (and ice afterwwards!). I've said it before, I can feel the whole world is falling apart and after a run I come back counting all the blessings in my life. Strange but true. You'll find something that does that for you. Hang in there.
Well things still in limbo land...ups and downs...
This weekend...Friday we just hung out and got a little drunk and watched sex in the city DVDs in our bedroom...probably something I would have never done before this...no relationship talk...no talk at all really...tried to start some harmless conversation but W was to into the show...I really wish we could get to the point where we could just talk about nothing as friends...one of my near goals is to just get her comfortable talking about anything again...problem is I still R talk way too much...very hard for me when that is really the only thing on my mind 24x7. I understand I really need to pick up my spirits and present a more positive upbeat exterior...but is that difficult.
Saturday with her encouragement I went out for the night with my brother and some of his friends...I did have a really good time most of the night...but obviously everything was still weighing heavily on my mind...then finally talked to W late at night and she told me she went out to dinner with OM cause she could not find anyone else to hang out with...took S3 along and I was really drunk at the time and I really wanted to go off...I basically ended the conversation with I do not approve of you going out with him with S3...this just really hit me hard to think of my son in OM company...
Well I spent the night at a friends house which was the plan from the start because we all had planned to get wrecked and it was like a 2 hour drive...gave me enough time to cool down but it was a long sometimes sleepless night...
Sunday/today...we just kind of hung out all day...did some yard work...napped...I do not think I presented myself well...W could see I was depressed...I just do not know how to snap out of this...my W has been my best friend for 8 years...now I know she already has one foot out the door...her new stance is she want to continue living together and raising our son but basically wants to cohabitate and live separate lives when she feels the need...while this is probably for the best for raising our son and financially and maybe even gives me the best chance to win her back in the long run...it makes it very very hard for me in the short term when she decides it is time to go out with OM and makes me so curious as to what is going on and I am constantly on the edge of wanting to go back to PI mode...at least she still wants to continue marriage counseling and also is considering seeing another counselor on her own (which would really make me happy).
One bad incident...is Thursday after she bolted after counseling to OM I was flipping out...she did not say much when she left other than she was out of here so she left me in an empty house in a bad state...well I went on a search and destroy mission and found a journal she had started...only had 2 pages...and what I read was some negative some positive...basically what I knew already she is confused...on one hand she wants to do this on the other that...but she figured out I had saw it and asked me if I had found it...I admitted that yes I had found it and explained the circumstances...she was not overly upset but I felt like a jerk...and I hate that I found it...I really need to find a solution so she can have the space to journal and no matter what state I am in I can't get to it...I know I need to give her space/privacy but it is awful hard when things get really low. Might get her a safe or something where she can lock something up...wish I did not have to resort to that but it is the only way I can trust myself not to pry.
Finally got the DB book...about a 1/4 of the way done...some of the stuff really hit home...my W definitely gave up a while back without me realizing...now just need to figure out how to let me back in and start working on us...
W seems to have caught a cold this evening so tomorrow should be a boring day...supposed to go to my sisters for a party but doubt she will go if she is this sick.
One day at a time...time to go read for awhile and then hit the bed...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
My W's stuff is so boring! I don't bother searching anymore. It's hard to hold back the dogs of jealousy, isn't it. I know I'm fighting the urge to tell W to stop her bitch GF from sending home treats for my kids every time she steps out on me. I know absolutely no good can come from having this "talk" but I still have to fight that urge anyway. You too, in other ways, I guess. Snooping is so damn tempting (or used to be, in my case)!!! Gotta run, take care.
Well Monday turned out pretty good. Wife was over whatever sickness. She was quiet all day and obviously in a depressed mood. Tried to not read too much into it...the obvious answer is she is fighting an inner battle over which direction to go.
We went to a party at my sisters and I thought that it went well. We acted kind of goofy together and had a good time. I am glad I have my family since my wife seems to mostly like them and realizes if something happens between us that their support for her will go down hill quickly. She got first hand knowledge of that when my brothers ex-girlfriend came up as a topic (had been together ~2 years and just broke up recently)...we all loved her when they were together but some negative things were said last night. Anyway party went well.
We then came home and wife said she would like to start a journal on the computer and I showed her how to password protect it so I could not gain access. She started IM-ing her GF and GF did a good job of pissing the W off. She tried to call OM but he did not answer so she vented with me...that was a good thing...and I just listened...did not judge...did not try to fix the situation...just agreed and listened. We then went up to bed and watched sex in the city together...spending time in the evening together is something we used to do often and I think it is very much a positive...I was just watching the show with her and got up to get something to drink and she smiled and said come here and hugged me and told me she loved me...made me feel great but I do realize just one up and there are still going to be downs...so I did not read too much into it but was nice none the less. I then gave her around an hour massage that basically put her to sleep...told me it was the best massage she has ever had. Was nice...except it made me horny as all hell but I controlled my urges...sex is still probably a ways off and I kind of plan on turning her down the first time she offers unless I feel it is very sincere...I do not need mercy sex which is what I feel I have been having for the past year or so.
Finished 2/3s of the DB book...read the chapters on 180s and last resort and my goal now is to start doing some 180s. Today I dressed totally different for work...more dressed up...me emailing and IMing her is over for awhile...she can initiate contact. Tonight after work I am going to do a little shopping and go get a drink or two before I come home...I always come right home so this will be kind of a shock for her. I really feel like this stuff will work...time for her to spend some time thinking about me and make myself less available...also this is the only night all week she could probably see OM so this may put a damper in some plans (then again maybe not...I had asked her if she had any plans this week and she had said no...we have commitments the rest of the week in the evening). I do not really want to trick her or anything just mostly get on with my life a little and hopefully she will see me in a new light...helps me to get away and gain a little confidence in myself. Feel very upbeat this morning...oh well off to a meeting.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Well had another nice evening last night. Now today she informed me she is going out tonight after school to meet with her friend. Just told her to have a good time and I will see her when she gets home. Insists they are just friends now but it still is VERY difficult for me. But tonight I will just smile and hope I can remain composed...I feel like we have made good progress in our relationship the last few days and I do not want any set backs. She is going out with her group of friends on Saturday too...while me and S3 go to the train station to pick up the MIL...I feel like I am getting walked over but I really do not know what else to do? Our relationship has surely been more pleasant since I stopped fighting the situation. This is going to be very difficult to wait for a natural death to the situation...but I do not know what else to do...making ultimatums and demands I know is going to push her further away. At least when we are together now we are getting along but how long can I continue to share the affections of my wife with another man?
Last night we laid in bed and watched sex in the city DVD and I gave her a foot massage...after the show she was like I am not tired and not hungry...What do you want to do? She had kind of a please F me look on her face...we started making out a little but then I think I withdrew and kind of ruined the moment...and then we both realized what was going on and she kind of ran off to do her nightly routine...it is like every fiber in my being wanted to make love but I want her to make the first move...I really want to be patient and let her initiate the action and make the decision. Not that it will change much when we do...still a long road ahead...but at least I see it as a positive that for a moment she wanted to get passionate.
Oh well tonight will be sort of a difficult night but I will play it cool. Tomorrow is our second MC session. Not sure how that will go...almost feel like we should call it off until the A is over...or look for a new MC. I just do not want it to be as disasterous as the first where she immediately bolts for OM. I feel like I should meet with the MC for 5 minutes in private and tell her how I want to handle the A for now and see if she is agreeable to that. I just do not feel I can make demands with my W and force her to do anything...I have to let her come back on her own if I have any chance of ressurecting our marriage. The MC wants to have private sessions with each of us also and maybe I can suggest she can talk about the A with my wife in a private session so at least I will not be in the setting and seen as an instigator of the situation.
It is so hard for me to not R talk with her...it is like I am astounded that she is willing to throw all we have away for some punk kid. Takes all the will I can muster not to get angry and fight back. Well I am going to continue to concentrate on myself and just be the best I can be. Continue to work on 180s. Wish me luck and support...I need it right now.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Quote: I am astounded that she is willing to throw all we have away for some punk kid.
This thought can undermine your resolve to do a lot of the things you want/need to do in your sitch. She is not so much willing to throw away all you have together for some punk kid, as she's willing to throw it all away to gain back her happiness, of which seeing said punk kid seems to be a part of. Also, vilifying him does nothing for you. Sure, he is a low-life piece of crap but I suspect that he's doing SOMETHING W likes or else he'd not be the one in the picture. Maybe it's just that he kisses her a$$, or maybe it's that he's attentive, or more spontaneous, or says passionate things to her, or whatever. There is something to be learned from both her motives to be with him and his personality. Even if he's nothing more than a predator, taking advantage of her, there is SOMETHING in the dynamic that she at least THINKS she needs and wants, and that is possibly something that is missing in her life with you.
I am not suggesting you study the turd for pointers on how to please your W but at the same time I bet there are aspects of him that maybe mirror ways she used to perceive you, especially in the passion department.
Again, study of the OM is usually not anything we want to do but then again, I liken making him the evil villain to writing off our spouses walking away as some kind of temporary insanity. Both ideas can mask a lot of the things we need to look at and change about our dynamic with our wives.
