Quote: Sorry this has happened to you. But you've come to the right place. I can certainly understand your anxiety re the OM. Why does your W want to maintain contact? After putting you through hell does she really see this as a caring thing to do to you? Does she not see the never ending anxiety this "friendship" brings? I sometimes think about what I would do if my W decided to work on our M (that's my dream!) and decided to keep contact with the OP. Somehow it just doesn't seem respectful or really committing to work on the M. It seems like keeping the reserves on hand, just in case. I certainly could be wrong, it's happened before! What do others here think? You might want to check Wedge's thread as he has been dealing with this same issue.
Her excuse is she was friends with this individual before it blew up to an affair and wants to remain friends. She says she is sorry it turned into an affair and she regrets it...blah blah blah. At first I basically had her in agreement to stop all contact with him but she was very upset about that and really closed me out...and I also think she was going to remain in contact with him regardless and was going to do it behind my back. I really think she was ready to bolt so I figured at least this way I have a chance. So I guess I made the decision to give in to her and hopefully that puts her in a better mood to work with me. It does suck though...she is out meeting him tonight for the first time since A-day discovery and I am really struggling.
She says she wants to work on our marriage which is a positive but it certainly tears me up for her to still be in contact with him...but she basically does not care. It is like she does not believe I should be upset...she says it is over and they are just friends.
I have no idea if I am making the right choices but at least since I did allow the OM back in the picture she has been much more affectionate to me and has been in a better mood and more willing to talk about things. She has also been up front about contact with him. She is really out for herself right now and admits that.
I just don't know what else to do. At this point I really want to stay married but I do not know how long I can put up with "I am going to go hang out with OM tonight...see ya later...don't wait up". I know I will not put up with that forever but for now I feel I must.
I guess I am hoping for a miracle in MC...that we will reconnect and she will no longer have a need for him. or that eventually he will go away on his own. It is like I have to hope for a natural death to the situation.
It is torture. She even wants us to meet and hang out together. For now this is the hand I am dealt so I must play it...I am not ready to fold....the flop is kind of ugly...hoping for a better turn and river.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Please don't see any judgement in my comments. My heart goes out to you! I would probably do the same thing. If she's there you can still work at your goals. Keep DBing and show her you are the man she wants to be with. The OM might just fade away if she feels her needs are met. Again, as others have told me, the OP is like a drug and that high is hard to let go of. The "fantasy" that person provides is pretty powerful when you compare it to the mundane day to day existence we LBS's seem to offer (in their minds anyway). My W was best friends with the OP in my sitch and guess what.... became more than friends. The OP offered her a fantasy R that can be kept at an intense pace with limited contact. It's like adolescence all over again. They sneak around, it's all seems so romantic....as they degrade themselves yet they just don't see it. It's nuts but what can you do. Hang in there, guy. Remember to GAL through all this because even if it doesn't work out you will have your own life and self respect, you'll like you! That's a hell of a lot to have.
Quote: Hello and welcome. First thing's first, sorry you have to be on this board.
I'm not much of the advice giver like the bright people in this board. Read that book that you ordered and understand it, it would make dealing with your current situation a little easier. Easier in a way that you'll get past some of the things that a betrayed spouse will always overlook in trying to save/salvage the marriage or relationship.
I'm on the verge of maybe succeeding in fixing what I broke (I had part in it), my W was the one who hit it with a hammer. One thing I had to do that was the hardest is stopping snooping. I still have the software in all our computers but I have not looked at it since I started DBing. I don't know if I ever will, I will probably just let it sit in the background and have my normal daily use of the computers purge it out of the buffer. *sigh*
Good luck and keep posting, it helps to vent out what's eating you inside.
Wedge...just read your journaling and situation...I see we are in the exact same boat. Sorry to hear...reading your posts really helped me and gave me some inspiration that my new course of action is the right course.
It is just so difficult but posting on here really helps me vent and not have confrontations with her.
The W will be home in about an hour afer spending some time with the OM...it will be hard to not probe and question but I am just going to smile and try to go to a happy place.
That Unfaithful song really hit home...I had to do everything not to put it on my myspace page...but I do not think that would be a good idea as most of my friends/family have no idea what is going on and would certainly piss off the W to no end if I played that on my page. Maybe I will just happen to play it when she is in our office and we are both on computers...gotta have a little sense of humor...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Well a little steamed right now...she was supposed to be home at 11pm and just called me saying she drank too much and does not want to drive home yet. It took everything within me not to scream at her. Just said that is fine get home when you can and hung up. Probably should not have been so abrupt but I did not feel like I could say much more without getting really pissed.
Well called her back...she sounded very drunk...says she is trying to walk it off...told her not to flippin drive period...OM is going to drive her home or I am going to pick her up...now I have a lovely morning of having to get up 2 hours early so we can go retrieve her car because it is my sons first day of school in the morning. If it not one thing it is another.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Well she got home last night and was very apologetic and in a good mood. She was very proud of herself and thought the night went well and said her and OM are now just friends again. Says this is not going to be a weekly date thing or anything. Just wanted to see him so they could talk and move on.
OM is still a little freaked out and does not understand how/why I would even allow her to see him at all. Of course that would be my preference but allowing her this freedom and trusting her is seeming to make a world of difference. We really seem to be reconnecting and she has shown me a lot more what seems like genuine affection. I still am hoping that he will become less of a friend to her if he realizes she is no longer romantically interested in him.
Now that she seems to be coming back to me my big goal is to change our relationship so we do not fall into the same old rut. I really plan on concentrating on myself and not being so dependent on her for my happiness. We start MC on Thursday and hopefully that helps provide some permanent lifestyle changes.
I still hurt a lot and getting over the A is still going to take me some time but at least I feel some optimism. I read a lot of people trials and tribulations on here and at least feel like I have better luck than some and we have a good chance of working through this.
One day at a time...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Well very depressed this morning...The A seems to be over but now we are back to where we were...limbo land...
Unfortunately I backslided last night and got her talking about our relationship and she said all of the same things...she feels nothing for me...she is empty...does not know how we could fix it. I pursued and pursued...mistake after mistake...I know I am driving her nuts. We didn't fight or anything but I am sure I looked pathetic.
I know I just need to GAL and start working on me. Just so hard. Not in a good place right now...very depressed. I need to pull back.
Did call my brother to see if he was doing anything this weekend...I know I need to get out this weekend without her and start moving on...kind of hopefully let her seek me out eventually instead of constantly smothering her. If that does not pan out I figure I will hit a boat and play a little all night poker...just to get away.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Give yourself a break. Today is a new day. You've been through the most traumatic thing a spouse can deal with (may even be worse than death!). You got feelings here. Afterwards the cheating spouse often just wants to carry on and forget it cuz they feel damn guilty. You don't have to go back to living the way you did before the A. DB is about building your M not just saving it when its going down the toilet. Go for it, guy. It's in your hands. You got the power (that's from a song I think?)!
Well feeling optimistic today. We have our first MC session tonight. Wife says she is very nervous about it...I guess I am a little nervous too...but not really...more looking forward to being put in a situation where we have to talk things out a little. I really feel resolved to work hard and make progress.
We had a good evening yesterday. Pretty quiet...I was calm and collected and put on a happy face at home after really being depressed all day at work. We watched a movie together after she got home from school.
I am feeling pretty good today...we have plans to spend the entire weekend together. Hopefully tonight goes well. Wish me luck.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Moods come and go. The thing to remember is that they do. Ride them out. Let us know how the MC goes. Any time the S is willing to go I see it as a big plus. Good luck with it!
Well the MC was pretty much a disaster IMO...while I thought it went pretty well at first and we got our history out and what led us to this point...the C even took a good approach with the A at first saying it was just a symptom of other problems.
But when it came to the W ever seeing the OM again the C took a real hard line approach on the A and that just shut my W down. I could see she just immediately wanted to bolt. In fact we just got home and that is exactly what she did was bolt likely to go see the OM. Even though they may no longer be in a PA it is still definitely a very strong EA. The OM makes her feel good, alive, and problem free. I do kind of agree with the Counselor that it is going to be sort of impossible to work on our marriage and regain a connection with each other while the W is getting that somewhere else. But I am more willing to work with the wife and try to win her back slowly and DB and hopefully bring her back in her own time.
The C also used our S3 as kind of a hard line tactic saying kids of divorce are X times more likely to be messed up, unhappy, etc, etc... W really did not appreciate that. She feels all of the pressure is on her and it is all her fault now. After we left I tried to calm the situation and accept a lot of the blame but I don't think it did much good. W seems much more concerned about OM and their relationship than anything else.
It is like I feel like I should have came to the defense of my wife while we were with the MC but it is very hard because it is true every time she does go see him it does break my heart and it is very very hard for me to deal with so I would really rather her not see him again but I saw what happenned when I took that approach and could see she wanted to make a run for it. I think I have a better shot with her living in the house and being friendly and honest with me than have her doing things behind my back and feeling cornered and trapped.
I talked to her on the way home and basically told her go ahead and see OM and lets still go to the MC and just not tell her. I don't know what else to do. The MC wants to have like 3 sessions with us together and then 3 seperate sessions each and then 3 more together. I would like to do it but now I am not very sure it is going to happen.
Back to square one...bleh!
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
