another bomb... last night. W says she's thinking about separation (already!! ) and thinks it's ME who needs to go. I firmly but calmly told her "I am not leaving my home" and she seems to think there's some legal way to get me out. I looked into our states laws quickly and barring physical abuse or life endangerment, it seems she doesn't have leg to stand on.
This morning I took pictures of the rubbers and panties and her purse, not that that "proves" anything, but I have it for documentation at least. She had hidden the purse under our bed when she went for her walk this a.m.
Unfortunately everything you are describing is typical MLC.
You will hear the word "detach" spoken here. Trying to detach from what she is doing does not mean detaching from her and blocking her out of your life. It means to try to move on with your own life while she is out in her own little world of make believe.
And I might add, this is the hardest part of all. The validating and not getting sucked into their drama. MLC'ers are very selfish and very self absorbed. Everything becomes me, me, me!!!
Again I stress, do not try to rationalize with an unrational person, it is easier to bang your head against a wall.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I talked to my brother and my Mom today about all this. My parents had only heard W side yesterday. My parents are the "let us get involved and help" sort. I don't think that's a good idea in this sitch.
They can support me and my S, but I don't think they will help anything w/ the W. Trying to keep busy today. Son is still sick and we are "hanging out".
Then... Got a new credit bill from Macy's, overdue. In W's name only. Hmmm... Cleaning closet in bedroom and found 3 old Hecht's (dept. store) credit card bills overdue, unpaid. I had paid that one completely off a few months ago. She must have opened a new acct. Yeesh.
Then Fed Ex delivered a refinance package from the bank. We had only talked about a refi and hadn't said we were going ahead, as far as I knew. W wants it to pay credit debt AND buy a car. A convertible! I said the house needs a heat pump. Anyway, HA HA on her. I hid it all! We'll see how long till she brings it up again. I ain't refi'ing anything until I know a little more about what's really going on around here. I mean we haven't even talked to the MC yet and she's already spending the house equity. Whew
===== OK, update. I just got off the phone w/ my Mom and she thought I should get a private detective to find out for sure if the A is real or what. I agree, I was thinking along the same lines. All the signs I see are pointing to PA w/ neighbors S. I think his name is "Jerky Boy".
I hate to do it, but this is spiraling out of control SO fast it's amazing. I need to protect my son and family $. My trust is shot to h*ll already so... I know it's not real great DB talk, but I gotta know where I stand to know how to proceed.
Also I asked if they could help me pay cash so W won't find out too soon and she agreed. Mom you ROCK! Thanx.
W is cracking a little under the guilt I guess. I have not said ILY at all since 8/18, except yesterday morning on the way to work I said, "tell S7 IL Him". She looked a little funny as I left and said, "you know "ILY too, you know". I just said I know and walked away.
That, to me, is one of the hardest parts of detaching. NOT saying ILY. We used to always say it. I'd always add an "Lu2" or whatever on my IM's to her. I made a point to never leave without saying ILY. crap.
Anyhoo... yesterday I get an IM at work from W, who says she needs to talk. I said to call my cell. I went outside, for privacy. She is almost crying and says The OM's Mom asked if I had been snooping in her purse. (?? huh ??) and OM's Mom wants us to see the pastor. They had talked to him after a death in the family and he helped. I do not feel comfortable talking sex and relationships with the pastor who I see in church 2 and 3 times a week! Also her MC appt is today.
So I ask if she has to see the pastor can't we talk at home. So at home last night she "confesses" to the condoms and panties in the purse, but has some weird story about it. She claims "after a "fight" the other day (there wasn't one, Thurs I cryed after seeing the "D list") I went out and bought them and was going to use them. But got cold feet and stopped on the highway and was crying and a motorist assistant comes up, and whatever..." Another story for the panties... Then long pause and "well that's it, my bucket's empty"
No real info about OM and PA.
She could barely stand playing a simple board game w/ me and S7 last night. H asked her to play too and was exicted to see us doing anything together, and was a little roudy I guess. I thought it was cute, ya know?
She was constantly crabbing at him the whole time. It was like she couldn't wait to get away back to the computer and cell phone. It was really hard to watch.
So I got S ready for bed and we read, prayed, and snuggled a little. He said "Mom didn't even say Goodnight to me" kinda sad like. Man. She always tucked him in or snuggled for few before sleep.
W had her MC session today. She said he was OK. ?? Also said he can see us both on Wednesday morning. The sooner the better.
On a sad and (makes ME feel guilty! note...) I talked to an investigator today and am seeing about having an investigation done about the PA. I can barely stand not really knowing. My bloodsugar is high from stress lately. I can't get back to sleep after waking up at 4 am. The OM is 2 dang doors down and way too accessible. If it's not cell txt, calls, it's myspace IM and god knows what else. She's been late to work all the time anymore and him being so close makes me wonder what's going on after I leave the house for work. According to the few txt messages I saw, he was meeting her in the parking lot of her job (for lunch one said at 4:30 pm) Is "lunch" code for you know what ??? I mean 4:30.
I hate this crap. I hate the OM and the fact that he has absolutley NO real responsibilities, lives at his parents house, and is so close I could walk over there and beat him senseless with a baseball bat!!! oops... not PMA.
OK. back to our regulary scheduled program....
I'm hoping that if I have more solid evidence and can let her (and him, or at least his parents) know, that I REALLY know what's going on, it might stop. I have been detached to the point of feeling like a ghost around her. A few words here and there and no emotions. That is SO not me. I am usually animated and talkative. I love people, I love my wife so freekin much I just started crying like crap from reading this and feeling like I'm in a crazy twilight zone. Aw man...
I know... self pity, bla bla bla. Sorry. Sleepy.
On a better note: (thank God) W emailed me paystub info that coorborates her alibi about the pay being less. She replaced the $100 into my sons piggybank that she took out of real bank for ?? on Sat. There was less tension after her MC session today. She actually did some laundry (first house type thing she's done in a while). Her plants were all dying outside and I had watered a couple times. I had to call her attention to the fact that they were drying up. It was like they weren't there. I saw W myspace site. Some clues. Some derogatory towards me comments. Not too bad tho. Of course the OM is in her friends list.
I am up way too late already. Go to sleep. sleep is good. Sleep is my friend. I got snot dripping and tears all over my face. yuk. goodnight.
OK.. so today is my MC session, I always get nervous...
It was a little tense around the house this morning. 1st after W got shower and I was rushing to get mine and iron etc. She's just sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hands. Last night she said "I wish you could believe me" (about condoms) I answered I wish she hadn't made these choices.
There is a corner in our kitchen that is aleady crowded with 2 people in there getting coffee and lunches ready. We used to alwayd reach around each other kind hug like.
Well this morn it's me and W trying not to touch each other AND get our stuff. It was awkward and sad. I hate the way this feels. Like I want to just hug her and tell her how much I love her and that all this is just a bad dream somehow. But... blink.
Reality is that she seemed to be esenting that she actually had to be at work on time for a meeting this morning. But this evening it's another "night w/ the girls". I am left wondering how true that is and all that baggage. Ugh.
So anyway I had to go to work, then to the MC's office @ 9. When I left the house my S7 was saying Bye ILY and I did too and left. He ran to the door and wanted a hug. I had just started to lock the door from outside, and was thinking how this was always the moment when I'd say ILY to W and kiss her bye for the day. I started to get teary, and then W opens door to let my S out to hug me. So he's hugging me, I'm about to cry, and W starts to say something that I shouldn't feel this way. I had to walk quick to the car and I just said we'd talk later, I had to go.
I got to the end of the drive and look over to where the OM? car is parked, and I just had to scream loud. LOUD. SCREAM !!! at the top of my lungs at this damn ba&*ard!!!
Felt good really. Now I have a sore throat, but at least I kept most of it in until I was out of ear and eyeshot of W.
The MC visit was OK, she had him pretty snowed though. When I brought up the condoms, he was visibly surprised ti the point that I asked, "Didn't she mention that?". Nope. Didn;t mention OM, cell phone, IM stuff, working late. It was all me. Welp... I gotta go get S from daycare. Shop for groceries and a new kitty color. Go home feed the dogs and let out the cat. Maybe I'll feel like eating dinner. I've lost a few lbs. so far. My blood sugar finally was below 185 today (still way high! ) If that continues I've got to go to the doc and go on insulin. Something I have staved off for about 22 years now.
I need to go to the thread "1 step forward 2 steps back" and read it. That's my life lately. I'm just trying to figure this out and maybe do the right thing. It's hard when you are deflecting blows from W, trying to keep up w/ the everyday stuff of life around the house, keep a stiff upper lip for my S, and try to GAL or continue GAL at the same time. Breathe. Ahhh...
Last night as I got home w/ S and grocerys, W pulls in the drive. She was home at a decent hour! 8pm. I was putting stuff away etc and she asked how it went w/ MC?
I said OK but didn't elaborate. I looked at her and she walked over to me w those big "I'm sorry" brown eyes. She just stood there and I knew she wanted a hug or something.
So I reached out my hand and pulled her (willingly) to me. She put her head on my chest and let me stroke her hair. We kissed a little. I said "I really want to work on us" and said the MC said we should spend more time together til next appt.
This went on for a while and was very nice, but I thought am I opening up to her too soon? She did not mention the condoms, or OM to MC. She did not mention the big D list or talk of separation. But I thought I've shown that I don't "hate" her and am not trying to push her away.
Anyway... this morning I find another (bank? credit?) card hidden away in purse, still in envelope. So that's been fished out of mail and stuffed away, hidden. This morning before her walk w/ new friend (not OM thank god!!) she takes it out and hides it in her pocket. This again is in her name according to the mailing address. This may be from the new bank account that I suspect. I didn't open it or move it. ???? AGGGGGHHHHHHH! And as far as I know I am still liable for her debts, because we're still married. Ugghh!!! I need to protect our $ because of S7.
There was a realty listing print out from the web in the car, listing a small house near her work, this was printed 8/22 one day before her MC appt. So does this means she is actively looking at moving? If she does move out, I won't be able to afford this mort, not without a 2nd job. I could always ask for my parents help I guess. I hate to do that, but if it means losing our house... Getting desparate! Damn!
Next MC appt (1st one together) is next Wed. But if this week is anything like last, it will seem like an eternity! I am just very worried that she is racking up debt, that I could be liable for. Then my mind goes to her work. If she's spending work money/credit on "Stuff" (shes the office manager). She could get fired or get charges filed. That would be horrible.
I guess I'm obsessing a bit... detach. detach.
Go behind the waterfall my man. Sit and listen to the water rush over your head and become one with the white noise of your soul... ah that's a little better!
Then to top it off, I'm on the PC this morning and she is sleeping? in the chair next to me (she didn't come up to bed last night...) and I am going to her myspace site. The damn embedded theme song starts to play for a second and she hears it. I act like nothing happened, but later she said "I hope your not obsessing over what I said on my myspace site". I said I was looking at movie clip of S that she posted. I was able to get a few glimpses of what she might be thinking etc from the site. She posted lyrics to a song about smoking and driving down the road, leaving a good man etc. It's in one of my other posts.
Maybe not a good thing to do, try to figure out an MLC's thoughts.
I don't know. My son is waking up now, so I gotta figure out what we're doing for the weekend and whether W will be involved at all. S is noticing her absences more. He asked last night where was and I said out w/ her friends. He said "Again?!"
Man.
How do you do this for years? I am so trying to keep our life and family from going completely insane and it just doesn't stop.
I feel for you, the begining stages of MLC are the hardest. The trying to figure out why the person that you chose for your life partner has all of a sudden been acptured by aliens and taken away.
You do it for years, because you have hope, faith and love!!
The MLC'er creeps in and out of the tunnel many many times....(mine is going on year 4). Don't be frightened!!
Keep taking those deep breaths and listening to the white noise, the constant MLC chatter that can take place in your mind and consume you will drive you crazy!!
Ok people!! It's Monday afternoon and the day is almost done!
But, a little more journaling first: Saturday morning W went for her daily walk w/ new neighbor friend (and myspace buddy). After getting home an hour+ later, she turns around and goes right back out to the neighbor/OM's house to help with their computer. Almost 3 hours later, the OM's mother calls from her cellphone (I know, this is so convoluted ). She asks where W is? I said "At your house". She went on to tell me how I just need to trust and believe her. I need to show more affection etc. I tried tactfully to tell her that they did not have all the information. She went on and on. I finally told her I had to hang up and did so.
I went over to neighb/OM's w my S7 and asked if W could please watch him for an hour so I could go to the dump. On the way home I was able to talk to one of my lodge brothers who has gone through similar issues. That always seems to help to talk to people who have been through stuff and survived.
Anyway when I get home, she asks why I was "rude" on the phone. I relayed what had happened. She wants to know WHAT information do I have that the neighb wouldn't (they talk about eveything) I asked W to just tell me what is really going on and what her plans are. She can't/won't. I wait. Nothing.
So finally I spill the beans. I told her everything that I had found out. About the TXT messages between her and OM. Him meeting her after work in parking lot of work. The wee hours messages. The condoms in the purse. The hidden credit card bills. The secret bank account, which I informed her that she had the new dang bank card IN HER POCKET AS WE SPEAK! That blew her away a little. I asked that she show me. I said this is not in our name, only yours. Doesn't show up online, doesn't seem to be accesable by me WTF!!?? AND I found a print out from realtor.com showing driving directions to a house for sale near her work. ??
I just wish she would tell me the truth if at all possible. She has her friends and the OM's family believing most of this and the therapist as well. A bunch are on myspace and post all kinds of little things about the sitch and/or me. I finally responded to one today, just saying that they did not have all the info and to please keep our family and S7 in mind when talking about her/my issues. I haven't spoken to MIL in a while, so who knows what her family thinks. Yeesh.
So she explains the issues: We went to lunch after work (4:30 pm!) and didn't want to tell me for fear I'd misunderstand. We are just good friends, she's helping him assimilate (nice word!) himself back into society after prison. The CC bills were paid by her (I paid $100+ last week so I hope we have a credit??), the secret bank account is to put "mad money" from the OM in. Money he won playing poker in Atlantic City. This is the trip she took with OM, and his family. He "tipped" her for being his good luck buddy... Upon return from this trip is when all the weird behavior started. The realtor printout was her "thinking about options".
So all this goes down Sat afternoon. It was pretty civil though... In the end I felt better having unleashed all my snoop guilt and it let her know to what extent I am aware of her actions. (At least partially aware... ugh.)
So after all that she's in the other rm on the computer, and I went in and hugged her. Said ILY and always did. I would remarry her and redo vows if it mattered. We could symbollically start again and she would be forgiven. I said no matter what happens we would be friends, and I truly hope that is true. So, that seemed to crack the shell a bit. Sat night we had movie night at home and things seemed better. Still no ML since all this tho... waiting. waiting. la.la.la.
Sunday morning: W went for her daily walk w/ new neighbor friend, she is gone right up until when I have to go to church. Instead of hoping that she gets S ready in time, drives the 5 miles there, drops him off at children's church and then (lately) goes back home; I got him and me ready and when she got back I said I'll take him and he can play during our early rehearsal. It was a little hectic, but not bad at all. I plan on doing more things like that as 180's. After church S and I go to band practice. During prac. my cell beeps (I usually leave it in the car, but had it inside for some reason...) The message: "Would you call me please it's very important?" I'm thinking death, sickness, dog hit by a car, you know "important". I call and she wants to know "What did you say to OM's Mom? They gave him the 3rd degree about the txt messages."
OMG!! This is rich. The first txt message "I" have gotten from her in a long while and it's for concern for the OM!??
Yeesh. I said "What I told her is what I believe to be the truth. The late night txt'ing. The afternoon get together at your work. The sheer number of messages!!!! Last bill she did 4 messages. This bill is at like 115 sent alone. I just said how it all does not sit well, especially if he knows were having issues. Can he please stop?
Come on! All the people I have talked to who have been through this stuff think it's an A. I'm hoping "only" an emotional A, but still an A... I asked her to try and see it from outside her prospective (I know asking a lot from inside the MLC fog) and to see that all these things added up seem to paint a very disturbing picture for our R. She doesn't seem to see it...
She blogged this on her site:
Sunday, August 27, 2006 = Suspicion is viral = Current mood: gloomy
Why do people take some innocent things, twist them all around, put them in a big pot together and turn them into something they aren't? And then pass it along to other people even?
Anything in life, taken out of context, can have a totally different meaning. If someone already has something in their head or thinks something hinky is going on, of course they'll take that other meaning and run with it.
If you think something is hinky (no I don't know if that is really a word and I don't really give a crap right now), all you have to do is ASK. Most likely, there is a logical explanation.
Now, is that deep, dark hole ready for me? I'd like to crawl in now and never, ever come out.
Yes, this is a big font. Deal with it.
And will I EVER get this stinkin term paper done? =================================================
My reply (1st one... I know I probably shouldn't, but felt like defending my point of view!):
Hello all.
I feel like I am getting blasted here without the benefit of all of you knowing both sides of the story. I am not "miserable", I am not confabulating conspiracies out of whole cloth, there are a lot of factors and different things that NONE of you know about.
I would appreciate if everyone could please think about what's at stake here.
A family, a beautiful child, a relationship that has lasted 17 years so far through all kinds of adversity and life's problems.
No, I'm not perfect. I don't expect perfection either. I am just trying to give our family a chance to survive before it's too late.
Please, realize this is not just about any one person. but about a family. Thanks.
===========================================
Whew... OK enuff... I feel slightly deflated and limp after all that venom and spew got out! Ahhh... better!
OK, I gotta pickup S from school. See ya soon. Mman13.
There is NO MC while OM is in picture....that means there are 3 in the marriage...get it???????
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
) and thinks it's ME who needs to go. I firmly but calmly told her "I am not leaving my home" and she seems to think there's some legal way to get me out. I looked into our states laws quickly and barring physical abuse or life endangerment, it seems she doesn't have leg to stand on.
